How do you know how strong you are? What do you do to measure your strength? Do you want to know how I found out how strong I was? It was when I had no choice but to push through. When I was alone and feeling like the world may as well end, I realized I will never know what I am capable of until I try. I mess up A LOT!! I say and do the wrong thing even when I am conscientiously trying to be an angel. Perfection just isn't a trait I have.
The days I think that things cannot possibly turn around, I look at where I am and know that they are turning. Sometimes it is an imperceptible movement but I am not in the same place i was in. I am changing through all of this as well. I have had high school friends talk to me and say they cannot believe we are having the conversation we are having. I am not who I was. Everyday I want to improve. Everyday I want to be stronger. It isn't always earth shattering, but the small things help me know that I am victorious. For instance, a few weeks ago I had to go pick up my gorgeous entertainment center that I had earned and some pictures that were given to me, I painted and some I have had forever. I couldn't find a single solitary person to go with me and help me load it all into a truck. It had been pouring all day and that day was the ONLY day I had to go get it. So, I got in the borrowed truck and headed out. I figured out how to load that monster ALONE! I had rain dripping off my nose, hair, and eye lashes. My makeup had ran to the edge of my jawline and was a bit on the scary side. My hair was soaked, stringy and a hot mess. I had my nice clothes on and rolled my brand new (unwashed) jeans to my knees. I just knew my legs would be died blue. I got the entertainment center, rug, end table, giant mirror and all my pictures loaded and I felt like I had just climbed Mount Everest in flip flops and a sun dress. I hadn't felt that accomplished in forever. When I got back to the house, I realized my key was on my key chain with my friend that had my car. I waited for a few minutes then started unloading the truck knowing someone would show up. Not 5 minutes later, someone showed up with a key and helped me unload. Every time I look at that giant piece of furniture, that same sensations come over me again. Accomplishment. Victorious. Strong.
Sometimes it is the small victories. It doesn't always come in the way I think it should, but it does come.To be completely honest, as I was driving towards my belongings I felt more alone than I had felt since "the discovery". Afterwards, it didn't matter I was alone. I was strong and MADE it happen. My house isn't all put together yet, which is driving me crazy, but I have a house. I have my own roof over my head and two children sleeping in their rooms and I helped make that happen. I have had awesome friends that have helped me and for that I will never be able to repay them in the way that I would like to. They can rest assured that I will pay it forward. The Lord has been with me and I am afraid His arms may be weary of carrying me, but I am HERE!! My nights are not as dreaded as they used to be. I actually enjoy being alone. It does get tiresome sometimes but I am figuring out ways to keep myself busy and not focusing on what I don't have but what I do have.
Just Sunday I have made it my pray for the Lord to strengthen my knees. "Make my knees strong that I may worship you continually on them. Make my eyes observe the ones that need someone to comfort them. Make my heart be tender to You and others in need. Make my arms be quick to hug away a bad day. Make my hands ready to serve. Strengthen my back to be able to carry my load. Make me weak enough to know I will always need you. Of any request, just strengthen my knees."
It is the small things that makes us who we are. It is the small things that make us feel victorious. It is the small things that add up to the big things in life. I hope I am one of those "small things" to someone and especially to the Lord.
