SPEAK FOR ME

  When I was younger, I was introduced to Doris Day movies. She became my favorite movie star and still is. She played on a movie called "I'll see you in my dreams" and was trying to explain to the man in the movie that you write songs for the ones that do not know how to say "I love you". The reason that I write is for the people that do not know how to translate their emotions on paper. In addition to that, I want everything I write to be a help to anyone that reads it. Whether it makes you laugh, cry or it sticks with you, I want every post on this blog to touch someone. I don't care to have millions of followers but I do hope to touch 1, every time.
  I've had some people comment to me recently that they read and loved my blogs. I think that is so awesome! I feel the need to apologize for my sporadic posts. As you know, I got remarried in June and now have 3 stepchildren. If I thought my life was crazy before, it is insane now! Sometimes it is very hard for me to write a post because I feel that my audience has changed some but I still want to be able to touch all the people I had reached before. Not only that, but my mind and heart has been assaulted with so many new emotions that is has become quite difficult to decipher them in order to write something that would be helpful, make sense and not too informative. Hopefully, I was very discrete about some things through my divorce. Now, I have an ex, his family, husband, his ex, his family, his kids and so much more to make sure I am not too descriptive about. I went from carrying the burdens of divorce to carrying the burdens of divorce, a blended family, being remarried and many more. I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have but with it comes so much more no one can really prepare you for unless they knew the future. My mind has been so clouded with the burdens and people around me that it has been hard to find the clarity to write.
  I know there are others that are dealing with loss, a spouse, children or just life in general and just wish they could put their feelings on paper. I think my problem isn't not having anything to say but rather saying too much. I know what it feels like to not know if my groceries will last. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a crowded room. I know what it feels like to be on the brink of hopelessness, insignificant and a waste of space. Sometimes I felt like if someone could just speak to my heart, I could catch a glimmer of hope again. If I could just get a hug, human contact, from someone that loved me, I could breathe again. If I could just go back and undo some mistakes, maybe I could repair my current situation. If I... Could last all day, a lifetime even.
  When I was in my early twenties, married, and we were going through a rough patch, I would slip into the "if only" and fantasize about what would have been if I would have made a more informed decision when it counted. That fantasy life was a dangerous place to go to. Now, I have a firm grasp of reality and sometimes reality can weigh you down. I find myself longing for a simple life where there is no such things as traffic jams, divided homes and what you eat is what you have grown. It isn't a possibility right now but I pretend that eventually it will be. I even set goals for myself. It may be a small goal of putting on makeup and doing all the laundry, including folding and putting it away, in an entire day. It may be a large goal of finishing my book I've been writing. If I can check one thing off on a bad day and several things off on a good day, I've made progress.
  The "if only", fantasy world (even found in books and tv) is not a healthy place to live. There are many things about my current status that I cannot change, like how the "other parent" thinks, feels or rears the children. What I can do is do what's right and do it consistently. That is itself and a daunting tasking. I can pray for the children when they are home and while they are away. I can pray for my hubs and show him what he needs to see of God in me. I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like "enough". I want everyone around me to be ok and when I can't fix it, I feel myself spiraling into a pit. I've had to learn that it is ok to "let go" of it and give it to God. If I'm tugging on the problem, He may not have the room to work that He needs. When I feel that pit looming, I have to take myself out of the situation and try to step back and find some good in the fact it cannot be fixed when I want it to be. Sometimes, that is SO HARD!
  I've read James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Variableness means that there no chance of him changing. I love that about God. Life changes every second and sometimes my emotions follow suit. I love that no matter what is going on God is the same. He loves me as much right now as He did before I messed up, lost faith, felt overwhelmed, etc.
  The "situation" I'm in is my gift? Seriously? Think about that verse from that angle, it helped me to. The situation, tough time and even good times were a gift from God. Breathing is a gift, everything else a bonus. Heard that one? I'm thinking.... No more bonuses! Even in a tough time God is showing you what you're made of, even if we really didn't care to know right now.
  I apologize to those of you who have told me that my posts have been too few and to those who only like to read only the funny stuff I write about the kids, I'm working on a good one for you too! Just know that no matter what is weighing you down (or bringing you up), you aren't alone. Sometimes our wings get wet and makes it harder to fly. They will dry and we will be soaring once again!

MY CHILDREN ARE SPIES

  I have discovered, my children are spies. They are clever spies and are very covert. They are at the top of their game at such early ages. As I vacuumed the floor, I happened across several of their trade secrets. They had unfolded a Bobby pin and stuck it through the carpet by the bathroom door to serve as a hidden "key" just in case they were locked out. I also discovered that where their curtains puddled on the floor, was an excellent place to hide little things that they didn't want their co-conspirators to find. There was little hair things and itty bitty toys they never thought anyone would find as I lifted the curtains to vacuum underneath. They had taken great care to hide all kinds of valuable Intel. There were books hidden in between mattresses, under the bed and carefully shoved in between the mattress and the headboard. Instead of bread crumbs to lead the way, my modern day Hansel and Gretels put a path of the tiny colorful hair ties, that they can also use for crafts, as clues to where they had been. These amazing spies that I am apparently raising had also written messages on the walls of the bathroom when the steam had caused the walls to be wet. The palm scanner was so covertly hidden on the opposite wall, that all I could see were the handprints. It is uncanny how smart they are. As I was on my hands and knees, wiping the bathroom floor, I noticed globs of toothpaste strategically placed so they could leave messages stuck to them whenever the need would arise. 

   I moved onto the couches and thought of how suspicious the weight of the couches would have been if we were going to move them since they were heavy with all kinds of goodies. There were toys, hairbrushes, pencils, finger nail clippers and all sorts of hidden treasures. What is so ironic about that particular stash is they can never produce any of these things when they need them. Apparently they are such good secret keepers, even they forgot where they were hidden. 

  They have not mastered going through my room without leaving a trace. As they cross over into my room, everything has to be searched for "bugs". They must touch everything in the room to ensure it is safe to talk. However, they do not return each item where they found it or sometimes in the same condition that they found it in. So far, we've been "bug" free but you never know when that could change. They leave their "calling cards" in the shape of colorful, mismatched socks, throughout the house just to let everyone know they were there. How kind and thoughtful they are. 

  My sweet little spies are stealthy little things that need lots of practice until they go to the "big time". I'm happy to oblige my .007 agents in training. I try to make it as challenging as I can when I wipe off their messages and stashes of goodies, just to keep them on their toes!