How many times have we teased each other saying things like, "I will beat/love you like a redhead step-child"? I was talking to a friend and made such a reference myself. I said, "A woman wants to be loved and cherished as a wife and not feel like a naughty step-child." I immediately felt ashamed. That phrase continued to echo in my mind for the next week. What does it mean to me?
I met my stepchildren about a year and a half ago. I had high hopes and crazy notions that they would love me at first sight and I would heal all wounds and we would fit immediately. I've never met a kid that didn't like me, I would reassure myself. I was brimming with confidence. I guess I thought they would think of me like a fairy that could speak the language that they spoke with the power of my fairy dust. Here I come, full of smiles and some expectations of the magic that I had in tow. To my great surprise, they didn't believe in fairies at all! They looked at me like I carried a secret vile of poison on me at all times. I was an intruder. Their daddy was spending time with me and I was invading their space. What audacity! The littlest was 3 and literally wouldn't look in my direction. If I spoke, she acted like I didn't. I laughed about it but it broke my heart. The second weekend I spent time with them all together, the two oldest started fighting over a stick of deodorant. They were screaming, pulling hair and rolling on the ground. I felt like I was in a scene from "The parent trap" and it wasn't as fun on set as I thought it would be. Their dad didn't even notice until he turned around and saw my face. I'm pretty sure my eyes were as big as possible without popping out of my head and my mouth was wide open. So much for mastering my composure, it was over!
A year and a half later, I have different aspirations. We all have a different relationship than we did then. I expect that will change every stage of their lives and it sometimes it changes daily. Loving a stepchild, a little person you have no connection with other than their parent, is something that is very hard to describe. I've learned to love them very much. At first, I felt a little threatened by them. Their daddy was completely different when they were around. If the girls wanted to go to McDonalds then that's what we did. If they didn't want to eat vegetables or if they wanted ice cream for supper, then by golly, that's what happened. I just about lost my mind. Bear in mind, I am serious about a schedule, making sure they eat properly and they have bows in the hair for church, and they go to bed at a decent time every night, etc. Give me a minute and I can give you a reason for everything I do. My husband is a fly by the seat if ya britches person. Give them what they want it will be ok. Within a few short months they were a part of "Stacy's boot camp". That was NOT the thing to do. They didn't know me and they for sure didn't care to listen to me. It got much worse. Our relationships all suffered in my naivete. I have learned many important things since then. One thing was that love grows slowly and trust us even slower. I have went through some emotions towards them that even when I was in the struggle I knew it was unjust but I didn't know how to make my mind and my heart connect on it. I couldn't "turn off" the struggle even if I knew it wasn't rational.
My bonus daughters represent love that isn't required but still given. There is no guarantee you will love your step kids and they you. They represent more prayers and grey hairs that will never be known. They represent more laundry, for sure! They bring laughter, tears, noise and a whole lot of mess. I strive every day to treat them as if they were my own, even when I don't feel like it. They represent their mother. They represent the children you will not have with their daddy. They represent the past. They bring in drama and destroy the peace but we treat them as if it's the best "disruption" ever and a lot of times, it is. They show me my weaknesses. Your children are very forgiving but your stepchildren (sometimes) are not as much. You don't have that bond like you do with your own children that comes naturally. You have to form it and it takes lots and lots of time. I believe that there is no love like a stepmomma's love. I don't say these things for praise. It is rare a stepmom gets praise. She is more likely to receive criticism. You are the referee. You are the one that ends up being the mediator. When things go awry and they will, you take the blame. Yet, you cannot help but love so deeply even when/if it isn't returned. What does "like a step-child" mean to me? To be treated like a stepchild is to be chosen to be loved beyond measure and without natural cause. Isn't that the same love that God gives to us? A love without measure. A love that will never be returned in the same way. What love! He gave and expected nothing in return. What an amazing gift to give your stepchildren. What a beautiful picture of God that we can paint every day for them to remember, value and never leave them no matter where they go in life. I am so grateful that I get that opportunity and pray that I paint the picture worth of their viewing.
