For the past few weeks, I had been writing out my story to speak at a women's retreat. I have relived moments I haven't thought of in a very long time. As I sat at my desk and wrote each word, I could feel the presence of the Lord in that room as if He was sitting beside me. I cried, laughed and sang His praises. Some of it was hard to remember. I have worked very hard at forgetting some things that have left major scars. Some things I still experience "phantom pains" from and I thought those pains would resurface. Instead, God showed me what we have come through together. He's shown me how He is building on what I've gone through to prepare me for the future.
I didn't realize as I was going through all of that growth, it was preparing me for even more. At times, I can see the past. I can sit in a room and the walls fade away, with me in the center. I sit there and the moments and people from the past step into my view. I hear the noises, smell the fragrance, feel the coolness of the night, and see their eyes as if they were still looking at me. Every breath I took, I take again. I see the events unfold and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. The ghosts of my past do not hear me. The me that I see cannot heed the warning or advice that is on the tip of my tongue as I watch.
I am in that place where in a few years, my walls will again fade and I will want to tell my past self something that only my future self knows. What would that advice be? What am I doing in this present moment that I would wish differently in times to come? How can one know that? That about drives me crazy thinking about it. Then. Then, I think. I think about the One that was with me then and is with me now. How do I know what I should do? How will I prevent a mistake that I cannot undo? I ask the One who is with me now and Who will be with me then. How silly that may sound but it is true. It isn't the answer we want, is it? We want to fix everything and then allow God to step in when we get stuck or make a bigger mess just to call on Him to fix it plus clean up the mess we created. It drives me crazy to feel helpless. It physically makes me feel "heavy", like I am running in water, to see a problem and not be able to make it go away. My younger self would just barge ahead and let come what may. I knew I was right. So there!
Now, I can see events unfolding. I can see potential mistakes. I can see the damage that will change my world and the world of those around me that people are creating. I sit and watch like I am watching a movie and the actors cannot see or hear me. I sit there helpless to change anything in my own power. However, I know Someone. The wind and seas obey His every whim. The planets spin on their axis because He caused it to be so. The mountain I climb, He has gone before me. The valley, I fear, He is with me even there. He breathed the very life into my body. I will not be afraid. I will not feel helpless because He has gone before me.
As I sit and the walls fall apart and the events of the past unfold before my eyes, I look with new eyes. I see the hand of God even when I couldn't feel it at the time. I stepped out in faith and although I didn't see the "net" it was always there. Even now, as things transpire in my life that I cannot control, I will trust that He is in control. He wants better for me than even I want for myself. I will take heart because He is already there.
