Two years ago, June 6th I was married for the second time. Since that day, writing has been a challenge for me. There are many more people that will be effected by what I say than before. I feel like I have to filter so much that it isn't worth the effort unless I can just be real.
Our construction zone has included our relationship with "our girls" (my husband's girls) mom and step-dad. We had a meeting in March about communication and things that we have learned that may help them. I would like to share a few of them with you. It is our prayer that the lessons we have learned, specifically the ones we learned the hard way, will save you the trouble by learning it from us.
We have learned that in order for the kids not to suffer more than necessary through a split family, it stops being about you and becomes about them. What I mean by that is not bow down to your children and lavish them with attention and give them everything that suits their fancy at that time but rather put your feelings aside when it comes to dealing with the other parents. No matter how much your ex has hurt you and no matter how little sense they may still display, your kids NEED them. You are going to have to put on your big girl panties (or big boy undies) and deal with it. One of the best ways to deal with it is to come to terms with the past and your new reality. Forgive yourself for the past and when you let your emotions overtake you in the future. Forgive them. Honestly, it doesn't matter the level of "wrong" that they did against you, you need to forgive them or you will be tied to them forever emotionally. They will have not only determined your past but will hold your future as well. Do you really want that? If they make you angry by breathing, they still have power over you. If they make a jab at you and you snap back, they still have the power over you. Get my drift?
You should promote the other parent to the kids. NEVER lie to them and give them a false sense of who that parent is but find a good trait and lift that parent up through the truth of that trait. The girl's mom is much better at doing hair than I am.I often brag on her skills to the girls. That seems trivial and almost silly but it gives them pride that their mom is talented in something and that I acknowledged it. My kids dad is great at technology and works in the IT field. We comment that we aren't as gifted in that area as their dad. I even told my kids that their dad had to make my eggs for me because I was so bad at it for a long time. They see that camaraderie and it gives them security.
Let your kids see you getting along with the other parents. When you go to sporting events, sit together sometimes or share a story about your kids in front of them with the other parent and let them see you getting along. Some of you may not be near this stage yet, but pray that you will get there. My children think their dad and I are bff's. Even if you don't feel it or secretly still feel the pain every time you think about the other parent, it isn't about you. Give them genuine security.
Don't allow your children to dictate their time with the other parent and even their every day lives. You are the parent. So, BE the parent. "Let me ask the kids and see if they want to spend an extra night with you." YOU are the parent. A better response would be, "Guess what?! You have off Monday and that means you get to spend an extra night with your dad!" Every Friday, after our divorce and he started to level out, I would wake them up that morning and say, "Guess what today is?! Iiiiit's DADDY DAY!!!!!" I would make a big deal out of it. I called them every other night so it wouldn't be so hard on my youngest. I get it may not be your "fault" that this has happened and you feel punished because you cannot tuck your kids in bed every night or at least talk to them but allow me to repeat myself. It is NOT about YOU. Save your tears for when they aren't in front of you. When they call you, be upbeat and casual. Please don't interrogate them or try to tell them what they are missing since they aren't with you. Let them be glad they are able to spend time with the other parent.
Talk about things with the other parent BEFORE you get to that stage. For instance, the kids have asked me about boyfriends/girlfriends, phones, sleepovers, a second ear piercing, coloring their hair, etc. I have mentioned it to their dad to give him time to process his preferences and we will carve out time to discuss it at length at a later time. It is VITAL that you are on the same page about the milestones and the bigger things. I reserve the right to experience the beginnings of each stage as the mom. The step-mom/bonus mom has to come in second. *If you cannot agree on the BIG things, you may need to contact a mediator.
I have pulled almost every tooth in this house with all five kids. The youngest had her first loose tooth and her mom made sure the kids told me that she wanted to pull her first tooth. It's within the bio mom's/dad's "rights" to enjoy the firsts.
Your kids do not need to bear the burden of the truth. There are things about my marriage and divorce that my kids will never know. I have heard, countless times, "I am not going to lie to my kids" or "They asked me and I told them." I personally believe that is a very selfish thing to do. You may get a moment of gratification that your kids know what a low down dirty snake the other parent is but they have to carry that burden for the rest of their lives. They may have permanent scars because of it. Please, do NOT make them bear that burden. I tell my children age appropriate truths but have NEVER revealed the knitty gritty or even the reason we ultimately got a divorce.
Your house may be like mine and you may strap on that hard hat and safety vest every day of your life. Eventually, it will change, Eventually, like every season, it will pass. However, it is solely up to you HOW it passes. Pray. Pray. Pray and give the grace to the other parent, your kids, and yourself that God has given you.
"For I am confident of this very thing,
that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 1:6
