The other day, I was sitting in a meeting full of women and someone had made the statement of "just being a mommy". The lady that spoke worked outside the home and was speaking about how our minds can be used against us. When she said that phrase, a lady sitting in front of me looked down for a minute. It was a big tell. I asked later if she was a stay at home mom, she was.
My heart just felt so heavy for her. I wanted to take her to the side and give her a pep talk. I cannot stand for someone to imply that being "just a mom" or being a stay at home mom isn't a big job. YES IT IS. I have had to work 13 hours a day and be a single parent and I've worked 24 hours a day being a stay at home mom. What isn't said is when you do stay in the home and work, you feel complete guilt when you don't do what is "expected" or don't work yourself into falling asleep on the couch every night. If you work outside the home and don't get your checklist completed, you tell yourself about the 40 hours you did get done at work that week.
I wanted to tell her how her "invisible hands" that folded hundreds of items from the dryer, the dishes she washed, rinsed and repeated, the meals she prepared, the tears she dried, the floors she swept, vacuumed, mopped, the beds she made, the lessons taught, the heads and bodies she washed, the diapers she changed, the walls she decorated, the bathrooms she cleaned and the home she organized wasn't invisible to me. Sometimes it feels like no matter how much you clean, it doesn't matter. It feels like the work you do isn't important but it is. You get to see your children every day. You get to be the one to tuck them into bed at night. You get to be the one that teaches your kids how to make their beds, clean their rooms and brush their teeth. Sometimes, it is very thankless and to be completely honest, it gets old. There are those times when that baby looks at you like you are their world. Those times when your kids hug your neck with all their might and you know you are "it" for them. Those times your son looks at you and says, " Mom, you really ARE the best." It's those times that the mundane becomes a hurdle to jump to get those smiles, hugs and bits of encouragement. It's in those times that mountain of laundry you have to wash AGAIN isn't as bad as it seems.
I go through the same guilt now that I'm married again, stay home with my kids, help with the business and am going to be homeschooling. I've been sick for over 2 months and it makes the guilt worse. If I go through a day that I don't feel as if I have "earned my keep", I'm like a dog with a bone. I just happen to be married to a man that only cares if the bed is made and everything else is a bonus. It still doesn't matter. I seldom give myself a break.
As a mom, you don't get holidays, weekends or even nights off. You are on call 24/7 and you don't get a physical check or benefits for the work you do. You are seldom thanked for wiping a 3 year olds bottom for the umpteenth time in a day. No one puts a gold star on YOUR chart because you go to the bathroom to make sure it's tidy for the 2, 768th time that day and again it looks like a puppy has gotten into the toilet paper and the trash can has been overturned. The 5 towels that were neatly hanging on their hooks have new been blown off their hooks and the door that is the gateway to a magical wonderland of bows, hair things is and all the extras for the bathroom is standing open and random things are disheveled, opened or spilled. Their is toothpaste on the sink, under the medicine cabinet, caked in the shower curtain and under the drawer pull and now on my hand. Their is a even tile now missing in the bathroom. I find myself wondering if they have magic powers that they may turn into little tornadoes when they come into the bathroom. I will never wear socks again into the bathroom that our children use. Ever. The rug is squishy wet and they haven't even taken baths yet. What in the world?!? No one knows how many times you truly clean up after your children and utter the same instructions daily. But, hat box in the living room that I keep forgetting to take to Goodwill, laughs at my inadequacy every time I pass it. As I'm sitting on the couch right now there are 3 bins staring at me begging me to be taken to their owners from my WEDDING. The wedding that happen several weeks ago.
Give yourself a break! It is ok to be human. It is ok to feel like you don't want to do anything but eat and sleep all day. Your body is talking to you, listen. If all you do is play with your kids all day, every once in a while, you aren't a failure. It's called being a mom... That is human.... That accepts that humanity with pride.
I am a mom. Whether I stay at home with my kids or work 40 hours a week, being a mom is job enough. I may not get thanks for the little things but it is my name they call when they need
something or want to talk. It is me that they will wish they could curl up in my lap one more time when life gets too much. We never know what we will say to them, how we love them or what they learn from us will impact them as adults. Being a mom is an honor. Being a mom is a reward. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom sucks when you have to be THAT mom but you do it because that's who you are and one day our kids will thank us for what we were to them.
No one may know everything we have done in our lifetimes but that's not why we do it. We do it because we love them. We do it because no matter how much poop that baby produces, it can never top the amount of love you feel for them. We do it because no matter how many Legos have broken the skin to the soft part of our feet, nothing can replace that little man wrapping his arms around you in front of his friends. We do it because we needed someone to love and God gave us our kids. We do it because we are moms.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
THE CHILD WHISPERER
Last year, I met my husbands kids for the first time. They were and are full of energy and from a very different household than my children. There were some areas that I spotted right away that I could help them grow in. In my mind, I was "the child whisperer". I knew his girls didn't like vegetables or anything that resembled something good for you but with "the child whisperer" on your side, they didn't stand a chance. The first time I made supper for everyone, I had meticulously planned out the meal and timed it just right so we were sitting down to eat as Robby came home. How proud he would be of me as his girls devoured their food, including the vegetables. What do you think is the first thing they said even before I brought the food to the table? I don't like that. I don't want to eat... As I stood there with food in hand, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "But I'm the child whisperer!" My mind pleaded. I still put each thing on everyone's plate because we have to eat what is served. If it is something you do not like, you still must put a little on your plate and eat a couple bites. One of his girls decided she was NOT having it and for the next hour we had tears, hollering and finally hitting the table. I sat there with my eyes about to come out of my head as I tried to eat my food and ignore the scene. My children were staring at me and probably wondering if I was going to punish her or something else. If I was talking to anyone else, I would have explicit instructions to give them about enforcing discipline and making sure that the child wasn't rewarded for her behavior and how to prevent future outbursts. Here's the deal, I'm not her mom.
Never met a child that didn't like you or listen to you? Become a stepparent. You will be welcoming a huge dose of reality! As a stepparent, you aren't the parent. Although in your title is the word parent, it means more of a supervisor. You do not have that bond that a parent has with their child. You do not know their history. You weren't there when they were born, took their first step and learned how to talk. You stepped in, without their consent, and started setting rules and guidelines that they've never heard of or had to adhere to. Basically, a stranger to them married their dad and is now "running things" and taking their daddy away from them, in their mind.
You cannot imagine how many people told me that you could not be happy and have stepchildren. How awful! Wait until your kids are grown! Don't do it. You may love him but you may not love his kids. Can you imagine how overwhelming that was to me and how determined I became to make sure that didn't happen to me?
So I'm not "the child whisperer" or Nanny 911. I'm a mom. I have a mothers heart and I know children. What complicates it is I am now the devils advocate for my husbands ex, still dealing with my own kids dad and expected to work miracles without the children's consent. It changes your thinking. It's easy to take everything personally.
What I have learned is: I am not a miracle worker and I need to give myself a break. I am human. It is ok not to feel an immediate motherly bond with his kids. Love needs to be nurtured and to grow. There will be times when we ALL need space. It's ok if I feel overwhelmed. It's ok to not feel guilty I'm enjoying the house with no children in it. It's ok if we have a bad day or a bad weekend, it won't last forever. Also, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, divorced and newly married. I still have scars, emotional days and times when I have to be quiet. There are still emotions that come along with marriage and still some that remain from the past. It's ok to feel it all and sometimes all at the same time. I am not superwoman... I'll allow you time to absorb that because I needed time too.........
Wisdom from a "child whisperer" they are little people that have emotions and struggles just like we do, they just don't understand how to process it and talk through it like we do. Take the time to learn them and see the signs when they are struggling BEFORE the meltdown occurs. Have a time when you spend time with each of them alone. I have lesson times with all the kids but at night, I lay by each one of them and talk to them about the day, plans or tell them a story, if time allows. I have found when I do this as often as I can, our time together goes smoother and they listen quite well. We have even grown to the point that everyone tries what they don't like without a tirade. AMAZING! It's slow and sometimes looks like there won't be an end but then we have a breakthrough and it's better than a trophy.
Also, there are some things i cannot tell them. I am not their mom. One day they may remind me of that. Some things HAVE to come from their dad or mom. Sometimes all I can do is pray it will. I cannot control how different the rules are when they or my children are away so I cannot put that responsibility on myself either. All I can do is work on my own consistency and pray that they will make a choice one day that will honor what I taught them and honor the Lord.
Child whisperer, I am not but mother I am. I can love them, in my own way and receive the love they give me in the way that works for them. They may never know everything a stepparent goes through but they will always know our home is a happy and loving place that they are always welcome.
Never met a child that didn't like you or listen to you? Become a stepparent. You will be welcoming a huge dose of reality! As a stepparent, you aren't the parent. Although in your title is the word parent, it means more of a supervisor. You do not have that bond that a parent has with their child. You do not know their history. You weren't there when they were born, took their first step and learned how to talk. You stepped in, without their consent, and started setting rules and guidelines that they've never heard of or had to adhere to. Basically, a stranger to them married their dad and is now "running things" and taking their daddy away from them, in their mind.
You cannot imagine how many people told me that you could not be happy and have stepchildren. How awful! Wait until your kids are grown! Don't do it. You may love him but you may not love his kids. Can you imagine how overwhelming that was to me and how determined I became to make sure that didn't happen to me?
So I'm not "the child whisperer" or Nanny 911. I'm a mom. I have a mothers heart and I know children. What complicates it is I am now the devils advocate for my husbands ex, still dealing with my own kids dad and expected to work miracles without the children's consent. It changes your thinking. It's easy to take everything personally.
What I have learned is: I am not a miracle worker and I need to give myself a break. I am human. It is ok not to feel an immediate motherly bond with his kids. Love needs to be nurtured and to grow. There will be times when we ALL need space. It's ok if I feel overwhelmed. It's ok to not feel guilty I'm enjoying the house with no children in it. It's ok if we have a bad day or a bad weekend, it won't last forever. Also, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, divorced and newly married. I still have scars, emotional days and times when I have to be quiet. There are still emotions that come along with marriage and still some that remain from the past. It's ok to feel it all and sometimes all at the same time. I am not superwoman... I'll allow you time to absorb that because I needed time too.........
Wisdom from a "child whisperer" they are little people that have emotions and struggles just like we do, they just don't understand how to process it and talk through it like we do. Take the time to learn them and see the signs when they are struggling BEFORE the meltdown occurs. Have a time when you spend time with each of them alone. I have lesson times with all the kids but at night, I lay by each one of them and talk to them about the day, plans or tell them a story, if time allows. I have found when I do this as often as I can, our time together goes smoother and they listen quite well. We have even grown to the point that everyone tries what they don't like without a tirade. AMAZING! It's slow and sometimes looks like there won't be an end but then we have a breakthrough and it's better than a trophy.
Also, there are some things i cannot tell them. I am not their mom. One day they may remind me of that. Some things HAVE to come from their dad or mom. Sometimes all I can do is pray it will. I cannot control how different the rules are when they or my children are away so I cannot put that responsibility on myself either. All I can do is work on my own consistency and pray that they will make a choice one day that will honor what I taught them and honor the Lord.
Child whisperer, I am not but mother I am. I can love them, in my own way and receive the love they give me in the way that works for them. They may never know everything a stepparent goes through but they will always know our home is a happy and loving place that they are always welcome.
Friday, May 22, 2015
I'M NOT THAT STRONG
I have been complimented on how strong others perceive me but I am not that strong. I have been told, if I could just have a little bit of your courage but I am not that courageous. I struggle. I feel overwhelmed. I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel lost. I go through the same emotions that anyone else does. I am driven to follow the principles I have decided I would follow a long time ago. For some unknown reason, I am fighter of injustice and always stick up for the "under dog" even if that person is me. Being a people pleaser is a bit of a curse but if I don't stand up for myself, who will?
I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone, that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.
I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone, that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
My Problems Should be OVER!
As you know, my journey has been quite an interesting one to say the least. A lot of people think once you meet the one you are going to marry will "fix" some things that you haven't had in your other relationship. What you don't expect is the emotions and complications that come with the amazing happiness that you find.
Once Robby and I met, I didn't expect the resentment, anger, anxiety and insecurity that would follow. Although, it made me more compassionate towards my exes wife. The anxiety of not being exactly what everyone needs all the time, not being the perfect step mom, not meeting everyone's expectations, not listening more and talking less, not being patient, not being...enough. The insecurity of the the feeling I have to compete with his past, my totally hot mom bod getting old, the wonder if me or my children will be a disappointment. The resentment of what "she" took from him and feeling that she took time away from me. The constant fight of my anger and emotions because of her being everywhere. The resentment that it wasn't me that had his first baby. It wasn't me that shared that intimate first time parent moment with your spouse. The anger of feeling like our lives are constantly disrupted by petty, selfish fits of immaturity all the while trying to remain neutral. No one says, his kids may hate you at some point. No matter what you say, that reassurance has to come from their parents. No one says that you will grieve the kids you don't have together. Just to have all those emotions compounded with guilt because you love the kids you have. No one tells you that you will feel like a failure more times than not at first, especially when you feel like they think your mode of transportation is a broom.
Everything should be perfect and in some aspects they are. The deal is, you are dealing with children, someone that's views are distorted with anger and also "lost time". I've had to constantly remind myself to be thankful for the time that I have now. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better but I believe that you can have a happy home in your blended family. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone in this "fight". He doesn't understand why I'm emotional about things that are said, done or misunderstood. I refuse to change who I am but is that the right thing to do? Or should I be me and just almost "ignore" their ups and downs until they start to warm up to me again? You don't know what line his or your kids are being fed. You don't know what the other very verbal parent is saying that is tearing you down or if the kids are trying to manipulate you for attention. You can't resent them. They are just kids but yet you live with the chaos they leave in their wake, better yet "her" chaos. Sometimes, you feel as if you have to "pay" for her sins. A simple word or phrase said in complete innocence can trigger something from the past you didn't know was there. No one I talked to had said anything like this to me. I was clueless.
How do you process that without losing your mind, feeling on an island or being perceived as the evil stepmother? I have personally started reading books on marriage, again, and on being a wise stepparent. If our marriage is strong, we will be a united front for when the kids start getting older and everything gets more complicated. I'm looking into getting the kids into some safe, Christian counseling, and making sure I do not taking all this personally. Divorce is SO hard. Can you imagine being a kid in it and not being able to perceive who's looking out for you and who just wants an ego boost? Some parents just want the kids angry at their ex like they are, but don't understand the lifelong damage that can do. You may have satisfaction in their anger but I can assure you, it will be short lived.
Sometimes the "other children" will resent you because you are what their mom is not and they can't be angry at their mom because, well, she's their mom. When they hurt their dad, all you can do is being loving, kind and show them another way with your actions because at this point, your words mean nothing. Never had a child treat you with blatant disrespect? Become a stepparent. Feel Madea creeping out of you? Walk away. If you know me, you know what a challenge this truly is. Children do not comprehend that you can love and be loyal to both parents. However, some parents make their children choose sides. When they are smaller, that control is powerful. However, as they get older they will hate the parent that required the choice and the time they lost with the one that didn't make them choose.
Having an ex, stepchildren and dealing with his ex is a constant source of growth for me, I'm growing in leaps and bounds and it is PAINFUL. Just when I think everything is over, I realize I just started a new chapter with all new characters and all new situations and opportunities to overcome and create a better me. There are so many places that I've never been that he has. There are pictures I'm not in. There are children that will never be. There are laughs I missed out on. I've had to stop and look at what I have and what we share, not what I don't have or share. There's a very good chance, I wouldn't have even liked Robby 10 years ago but I love who has become. I hate there are things I don't share with him but I would rather be with him now than not have him at all. What we went through in our lives made us who we are. The emotions are strong, real and sometimes come to me, back to back. I love the challenge and I will meet it head on. I can see how special his girls are. I can see their potential and what I believe they need. I know he is an amazing man.
I can say, have to remind myself to not feel guilty for being human and not doing it all right all the time. I know he fell in love with me knowing that I am not perfect. Patience with myself is what I have to find now. Some "problems" are over. Many things are better than I could have ever hoped for. Ultimately, his kids aren't my kids to raise. They are my kids to support and give their dad another team member. I am more there for guidance than as another "parent". This has been very hard to grasp for me at first because of the lack of things they need that he can't provide. The struggle can be real but dependence on my own knowledge isn't enough. Grace, patience, understanding, prayer and not being too hard on myself is going to have to be daily goals. Sometimes, new problems, aka challenges are in store right when you least expect it but we've got this!! Breathe and know that being human isn't as bad as it seems. I'm good back up. I am a great friend. I love deeply and want the best for everyone. We are going to be family and we will learn what that means from a blended family's perspective together. Problems are also called opportunities and I am sure we will have lots of opportunities to grow and to help others in our journey.
"Remember why you chose to come together in the first place--the love that you have for your partner. Your partner's children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness." -Beth Huber
"You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come." _Kelly LeFurgey
Once Robby and I met, I didn't expect the resentment, anger, anxiety and insecurity that would follow. Although, it made me more compassionate towards my exes wife. The anxiety of not being exactly what everyone needs all the time, not being the perfect step mom, not meeting everyone's expectations, not listening more and talking less, not being patient, not being...enough. The insecurity of the the feeling I have to compete with his past, my totally hot mom bod getting old, the wonder if me or my children will be a disappointment. The resentment of what "she" took from him and feeling that she took time away from me. The constant fight of my anger and emotions because of her being everywhere. The resentment that it wasn't me that had his first baby. It wasn't me that shared that intimate first time parent moment with your spouse. The anger of feeling like our lives are constantly disrupted by petty, selfish fits of immaturity all the while trying to remain neutral. No one says, his kids may hate you at some point. No matter what you say, that reassurance has to come from their parents. No one says that you will grieve the kids you don't have together. Just to have all those emotions compounded with guilt because you love the kids you have. No one tells you that you will feel like a failure more times than not at first, especially when you feel like they think your mode of transportation is a broom.
Everything should be perfect and in some aspects they are. The deal is, you are dealing with children, someone that's views are distorted with anger and also "lost time". I've had to constantly remind myself to be thankful for the time that I have now. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better but I believe that you can have a happy home in your blended family. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone in this "fight". He doesn't understand why I'm emotional about things that are said, done or misunderstood. I refuse to change who I am but is that the right thing to do? Or should I be me and just almost "ignore" their ups and downs until they start to warm up to me again? You don't know what line his or your kids are being fed. You don't know what the other very verbal parent is saying that is tearing you down or if the kids are trying to manipulate you for attention. You can't resent them. They are just kids but yet you live with the chaos they leave in their wake, better yet "her" chaos. Sometimes, you feel as if you have to "pay" for her sins. A simple word or phrase said in complete innocence can trigger something from the past you didn't know was there. No one I talked to had said anything like this to me. I was clueless.
How do you process that without losing your mind, feeling on an island or being perceived as the evil stepmother? I have personally started reading books on marriage, again, and on being a wise stepparent. If our marriage is strong, we will be a united front for when the kids start getting older and everything gets more complicated. I'm looking into getting the kids into some safe, Christian counseling, and making sure I do not taking all this personally. Divorce is SO hard. Can you imagine being a kid in it and not being able to perceive who's looking out for you and who just wants an ego boost? Some parents just want the kids angry at their ex like they are, but don't understand the lifelong damage that can do. You may have satisfaction in their anger but I can assure you, it will be short lived.
Sometimes the "other children" will resent you because you are what their mom is not and they can't be angry at their mom because, well, she's their mom. When they hurt their dad, all you can do is being loving, kind and show them another way with your actions because at this point, your words mean nothing. Never had a child treat you with blatant disrespect? Become a stepparent. Feel Madea creeping out of you? Walk away. If you know me, you know what a challenge this truly is. Children do not comprehend that you can love and be loyal to both parents. However, some parents make their children choose sides. When they are smaller, that control is powerful. However, as they get older they will hate the parent that required the choice and the time they lost with the one that didn't make them choose.
Having an ex, stepchildren and dealing with his ex is a constant source of growth for me, I'm growing in leaps and bounds and it is PAINFUL. Just when I think everything is over, I realize I just started a new chapter with all new characters and all new situations and opportunities to overcome and create a better me. There are so many places that I've never been that he has. There are pictures I'm not in. There are children that will never be. There are laughs I missed out on. I've had to stop and look at what I have and what we share, not what I don't have or share. There's a very good chance, I wouldn't have even liked Robby 10 years ago but I love who has become. I hate there are things I don't share with him but I would rather be with him now than not have him at all. What we went through in our lives made us who we are. The emotions are strong, real and sometimes come to me, back to back. I love the challenge and I will meet it head on. I can see how special his girls are. I can see their potential and what I believe they need. I know he is an amazing man.
I can say, have to remind myself to not feel guilty for being human and not doing it all right all the time. I know he fell in love with me knowing that I am not perfect. Patience with myself is what I have to find now. Some "problems" are over. Many things are better than I could have ever hoped for. Ultimately, his kids aren't my kids to raise. They are my kids to support and give their dad another team member. I am more there for guidance than as another "parent". This has been very hard to grasp for me at first because of the lack of things they need that he can't provide. The struggle can be real but dependence on my own knowledge isn't enough. Grace, patience, understanding, prayer and not being too hard on myself is going to have to be daily goals. Sometimes, new problems, aka challenges are in store right when you least expect it but we've got this!! Breathe and know that being human isn't as bad as it seems. I'm good back up. I am a great friend. I love deeply and want the best for everyone. We are going to be family and we will learn what that means from a blended family's perspective together. Problems are also called opportunities and I am sure we will have lots of opportunities to grow and to help others in our journey.
"Remember why you chose to come together in the first place--the love that you have for your partner. Your partner's children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness." -Beth Huber
"You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come." _Kelly LeFurgey
Thursday, April 16, 2015
ALL I HAVE IS ME
When I first started dating, I knew who I was and all I had to offer. I was a stay at home mom that devoted my life to my kids and their dad. I didn't have rock hard abs, money in the bank, stocks, bonds, an inheritance, a new car or even a house. It was just us. There was one thing I've always had was my word. I'm blatantly honest, sometimes to a fault. I felt as if I wasnt in the "league" like other women because I had none of those things. I had stretch marks, some adorable love handles, csection scar, and I couldn't seem to break free of my voluptuous curves. Most people out there were gym rats. I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep groceries on the table and an ounce of sanity in my head. I don't have time for anything much less the gym where I feel like I am wearing a sign that says, pitifully out of shape. I would never be on the cover of anything. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a real pedicure. I like the out of doors, gardening and anything other than shopping. What woman says that?!?
I have no security and I'm trying to figure out what I like in general. Let's not mention trying to figure out who is legit and who is just out for a "lonely woman" that would make a great and seemingly an easy target. Doesn't that sound like a promising profile? Accomplishments include... Getting up in the morning and not strangling the ex. Boom! Send me a smile, message or get in line!
This was a serious problem in my mind. Who would want me?!? Wait, back it up! Who wouldn't want me? Look what I have been through. I'm like a warrior with the diplomacy of Barbara Walters and the compassion of Mother Theresa. I have survived the birth of 2 children, gossip, depression, weight gain, weight loss, separation from all that I knew, the cold shoulder, being practically disowned, knowing no one believed me and only 2 witnesses to some of the "smaller incidents", joblessness, "homelessness", intimidation, moving several times, losing friends and family, raising two kids with little or no help financial or otherwise. Who wouldn't want someone someone like me? I'm an overcomer! Awesome! Amazing!
That doesn't change the past or cover the scars or cushion the daily pains that come with being an overcomer. That doesn't make it any easier to hold my head up high and waltz out the door to greet my potential date. What do I say? I have no great travels to brag about, no hiking trips planned, no great boardroom stories to tell. I can tell you how my kids changed my world, how they taught me the art of patience, how they mysteriously forget how to clean up after themselves after bath time, how they came into this world and how they take it by storm. That my friends, is great dating conversations made to impress, says no one ever!
This was a serious problem in my mind. Who would want me?!? Wait, back it up! Who wouldn't want me? Look what I have been through. I'm like a warrior with the diplomacy of Barbara Walters and the compassion of Mother Theresa. I have survived the birth of 2 children, gossip, depression, weight gain, weight loss, separation from all that I knew, the cold shoulder, being practically disowned, knowing no one believed me and only 2 witnesses to some of the "smaller incidents", joblessness, "homelessness", intimidation, moving several times, losing friends and family, raising two kids with little or no help financial or otherwise. Who wouldn't want someone someone like me? I'm an overcomer! Awesome! Amazing!
That doesn't change the past or cover the scars or cushion the daily pains that come with being an overcomer. That doesn't make it any easier to hold my head up high and waltz out the door to greet my potential date. What do I say? I have no great travels to brag about, no hiking trips planned, no great boardroom stories to tell. I can tell you how my kids changed my world, how they taught me the art of patience, how they mysteriously forget how to clean up after themselves after bath time, how they came into this world and how they take it by storm. That my friends, is great dating conversations made to impress, says no one ever!
All I have to offer is me. Take me as I am or not at all. You think you won't find that person who likes your quirks and your "mom body". You think that you are the only one that thinks you are funny. You think you won't ever trust someone with your kids. You think that you won't ever laugh til you cry. You think that you will never feel like yourself again. You feel like you will always feel like an outsider. Then, when you give up hoping and praying it will happen and it does. You meet that person that loves you "as is". He laughs with you, cries with you, fights with you and loves on you. He rubs your feet and pours you something to drink. He lets you take a nap and keeps all 5 kids busy. He matches you in wit and stubbornness and its a beautiful thing. You work together, play together, wish together and will stay together. If all you have to offer is you, it is just enough for the right person. Believe me, it can happen. Don't let the people in your past, your own insecurities or the messed up world we live in convince you that you aren't a good "catch". You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are just enough.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
THATS NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED
When my children were born, their dad and I were 21 and almost 23. We were babies ourselves. I read books as if my life depended on it, theirs did for sure. I had babysat when I was younger but honestly, I didn't really like kids. They were loud, touched everything, you had to tell them everything, they didn't even have common sense yet and a lot of the ones I saw were just brats. Now, I was having my own monsters and I was so unsure what to do. I didn't really even know the science behind how you got pregnant, how and why your body changed and what exactly happened when you gave birth. So, I made a study of it all. I read books by doctors, teachers, mothers and asked advice from EVERYONE. I didn't feel prepared but I did feel better. However, their dad didn't act like it was a big deal at all. I was so amazed by this. My world and thinking had changed right along with my body. When the children were born he was very standoffish. I didn't know what was going on. I remember crying to my mom about it and finally decided, he was gonna get a crash course in parenting. There was a Carolina game on and I handed him our son and told him, he doesn't even know your voice or was able to be without me for a long time. Talk to him. Of course he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I don't know what to say to him, he doesn't talk back... Coach from the couch, explain to him what's going on even if he doesn't have a clue what you are saying. That was the beginning of the end when basketball season was on.
The point is, I studied for parenthood. I took it very seriously. Changes that impacted my life were happening within me while his world was sitting still. We were both raised with a different family dynamic. My dad was the head of the home. He was in charge. Mom was a homemaker and she basically raised us to be the women we are. Dad was the "example" that we followed and looked for men to marry like him. His family was a bit different. I felt like their dad wasn't as "hands on" as I would have liked. I started praying that fatherhood would change his life like it changed mine. My prayer was answered after our divorce. The reality of it was when my son and daughter started missing him during the week when they were with me. It hurt me. When they missed him, I took it personally. I was with them since day one. I taught them everything that they knew. I never left them. My choices in life had them at the forefront and they miss him?
Then, I had a bit of a conversation with myself. I talk to myself quite often. I prayed for this. I begged God that my kids dad would be the type of father that my kids would miss regardless of the circumstances or the "why" behind it. My prayers had been answered just not the way I wanted them to or when I wanted them to be. For the past two years, the kids dad has been a lot more Interactive in their life. I still don't agree with certain things or what is told to the kids but that's to be expected. The point is, things aren't going to go exactly how I want them to go. My desire is for my kids to have a dad that loves them and tries to spend some time with the. It gives them a healthier lifestyle and makes them more emotionally stable.
The truth is, when you have kids, it isn't about you anymore. Some catch on quicker than others. Just be patient with the ones who are a bit slower where the kids are concerned. As long as your kids environment seems healthy, support the other parent. If there an unhealthy environment or your children are being hurt emotionally or tried to be turned toward you, I would be careful about letting your kids around those people or that type of environment. If it come between your kids and comfort, choose your kids, if it comes between your ego and your kids, choose your kids. The key is to support the other parent as just that, their parent. You don't have to lie to the kids. you don't have to pretend that you are buddies with their other parent. Be honest. Be strong. Be aware of everything going on in their life by keeping the lines of communication OPEN.
Your prayers may be answered just not when and how you would like. For the kids sake, be happy that those prayers seem to be answered. It's tough to support someone that hurts you and continues to do so. It's tough to try to teach your kids to respect and love new family members that has come into your kids life when you struggle not to throat punch them when you see them. The point is, it is not about us. It is only about the kids. One day, the truth of the situation will be revealed. It will be hard enough when your kids learn the truth of how they came to be a split family. You don't want them to learn too early because you will not come out the winner and you will have years of repair ahead of you where their emotions are concerned. Keep praying that your kids will have discernment. Pray for the other parents to come to the realization is isn't about making you pay or hurting you, it is about the children and what is best for them and BE READY. Your prayers will be answered.
The point is, I studied for parenthood. I took it very seriously. Changes that impacted my life were happening within me while his world was sitting still. We were both raised with a different family dynamic. My dad was the head of the home. He was in charge. Mom was a homemaker and she basically raised us to be the women we are. Dad was the "example" that we followed and looked for men to marry like him. His family was a bit different. I felt like their dad wasn't as "hands on" as I would have liked. I started praying that fatherhood would change his life like it changed mine. My prayer was answered after our divorce. The reality of it was when my son and daughter started missing him during the week when they were with me. It hurt me. When they missed him, I took it personally. I was with them since day one. I taught them everything that they knew. I never left them. My choices in life had them at the forefront and they miss him?
Then, I had a bit of a conversation with myself. I talk to myself quite often. I prayed for this. I begged God that my kids dad would be the type of father that my kids would miss regardless of the circumstances or the "why" behind it. My prayers had been answered just not the way I wanted them to or when I wanted them to be. For the past two years, the kids dad has been a lot more Interactive in their life. I still don't agree with certain things or what is told to the kids but that's to be expected. The point is, things aren't going to go exactly how I want them to go. My desire is for my kids to have a dad that loves them and tries to spend some time with the. It gives them a healthier lifestyle and makes them more emotionally stable.
The truth is, when you have kids, it isn't about you anymore. Some catch on quicker than others. Just be patient with the ones who are a bit slower where the kids are concerned. As long as your kids environment seems healthy, support the other parent. If there an unhealthy environment or your children are being hurt emotionally or tried to be turned toward you, I would be careful about letting your kids around those people or that type of environment. If it come between your kids and comfort, choose your kids, if it comes between your ego and your kids, choose your kids. The key is to support the other parent as just that, their parent. You don't have to lie to the kids. you don't have to pretend that you are buddies with their other parent. Be honest. Be strong. Be aware of everything going on in their life by keeping the lines of communication OPEN.
Your prayers may be answered just not when and how you would like. For the kids sake, be happy that those prayers seem to be answered. It's tough to support someone that hurts you and continues to do so. It's tough to try to teach your kids to respect and love new family members that has come into your kids life when you struggle not to throat punch them when you see them. The point is, it is not about us. It is only about the kids. One day, the truth of the situation will be revealed. It will be hard enough when your kids learn the truth of how they came to be a split family. You don't want them to learn too early because you will not come out the winner and you will have years of repair ahead of you where their emotions are concerned. Keep praying that your kids will have discernment. Pray for the other parents to come to the realization is isn't about making you pay or hurting you, it is about the children and what is best for them and BE READY. Your prayers will be answered.
Monday, March 23, 2015
EVERY WISH I MADE...
Mid August last year, I was beyond frustrated with dating, I started praying that God would take away my desire to share my life with someone. Two weeks after those prayers started, I started communicating with a guy I met on a dating site. We texted here and there and finally, he called me. He hadn't texted much up to that point, so that made things interesting. Our first conversation lasted almost an hour and a half. From that night, we talked almost daily. Almost four weeks later, we decided to meet. He was from the Charlotte are and I from Durham. Our central location was Greensboro or Asheboro. He decided that we would meet that following Sunday night for supper in Greensboro. I'm almost always early which in this case was a gigantic curse.
As I sat in the parking lot, I was going between excessively happy and ready to panic. What am I thinking?! I'm totally insane! No one says I have to marry this guy. I'm just gonna have fun. What if he's crazy? What if he doesn't look like his picture? What if I fall for him but he isn't legit?! Can I take heartbreak anymore? He calls me. He confesses that he is beyond nervous. He said, "My hands are even sweating." Then, I was laughing. It was so great that this big ol NC boy was nervous about little me. I see his power stroke, Ford 250 sitting at the stoplight. I laughed out loud and clapped my hands like a kid. This is going to be great! I knew I wouldn't walk away from this night the same. I sat there and wanted him to walk into the restaurant first. I wanted to get a good look at him to prepare myself. Yes, I totally want to check him out. He sat in his truck and I could hear his thoughts from where I was sitting. He was thinking, where is she? Do I get out and go in? Should I meet her in the parking lot? I don't want to look stupid. I was holding my phone in my hand because I knew he would call me. He did. My phone rang and I laughed in it and said, "you are a chicken." He said where are you at? Coyly I responded, "Watching you. I can almost hear your debate from here." He laughed then and I told him I would meet him at his truck. He still hesitated. By then I could hardly quit smiling and laughing, my sarcasm was on overdrive in my head. I saw his boots hit the ground and I knew I was in BIG trouble. I came around the truck and we both looked at each other with smiles and I laughed as I and hugged him. We had immediate chemistry. Immediate. I was teasing him to make him comfortable and loving ribbing him for his nerves. We went in and i complimented him and he told me, You don't look too bad yourself. As a matter of fact, can I hug you again?" And that folks, is what we call brownie points. We were seating at our table and didn't talk a whole lot at first. He was just a mess. He now says it was an act, but I can assure you, it wasn't. The lady next to me didn't realize she had reached her limit on wine and started stroking my hair. "Is your hair real?" She asks me if I minded if she touched it as her dirty fingers were literally entangled in my hair. She's laughing and leaning over trying to talk to me so we start laughing at her expense. It was priceless.
After we ate, he decides the night can't end. We are within a few miles of the theater and we jet over there to watch a movie. I can't remember a thing about it except that he relaxed a bit more. At the end of the night, we both were wishing for more time and less space. He walks me to my car and I get in. He is sitting in his truck at this point. I sit there for a second, talking to myself as I am slowly inching out of my parking spot. You know if you go home now, you will regret not kissing him. We have no idea when we can get together again and even if we have THAT kind of chemistry... Oh goodness, you only live once. No regrets, remember? I pulled on the other side of him. I get out, and he opens his door, which kind of almost ruined my plans. I crooked my finger at him and I had a really serious face on. He's like, what's wrong?! I said, "Are you ready?" His eyes got big as can be and he said, "Are you going to kiss me?!!" I laughed at his face and said, "Yes. I hope you're ready." Well, that was a great ending to a perfect first date and I'm pretty sure fireworks were going off, if not over our heads then in them.
We talked every day since that night. We have spent evenings under shooting stars. We have spent evenings dealing with emotional children. We've spent time beside our grandparents as they went to Heaven. We have stood beside each other and held each other as we cried over the loss. We have had some very big things to get through. We have dealt with deaths in our families that shook us all to our core. We have had to deal with past hurts, exes and learning to trust ourselves and each other. We have had to learn to balance our lives, kids, exes, church, work and reality all at the same time. I have lived two lives. I have one in Durham and one in Charlotte. I've lived out of a suitcase sine January. I have traveled almost 300 miles every weekend since then. When my kids are with their dad, his kids are just arriving. Sometimes, there have been tears and fears that have clouded our time together. Sometimes there has been personal tough times for both of us that caused us to learn that we have a team member that will help carry the load.
We discussed getting married and had a date picked out. We have two sets of kids and there has to be allowances made for that in dealing with the exes and the transition. We have been working on giving his house a face-lift in all of this craziness as well. Thursday evening, I had finished my first day of class and he had finished work. It was raining like crazy but we wanted to have a date. We hadn't had a kid free, real date in a while. I got dressed up and had my "real" hair done up like a real, southern movie star and we set out. We ate some amazing food at Firebirds and I laughed until I cried. We were just sitting there and he started being sentimental. He told me he loved me and asked me if I knew that he did. I'm still giggling about what we had been talking about before. I can't ever just say, yes I know you love me, I have to ask why. Bless him. He told me, as he has before, you are what I've always wanted and what I had been looking for. He says, I got something for you. One of my love languages is sarcasm, so I'm still thinking he's teasing and say, you do huh? He pulls out a gorgeous box and I look at him with wide eyes and say,You're serious? I thought you were teasing me. He gets down on his knee and asks me if I will marry him. Mmmmmhhhh. Lemme think... Haha, YES!
Back it up two weeks, he had everything planned out to come to my house and surprise me. He caught a horrible bug and was down for the count for a long time. Then, that night, it rained. Again, thwarting his plans. I wasn't really expecting it because I knew he had been planning this for a while. Good surprise, for sure!!!
Ever since I was a girl I wished on every falling star I saw, making wishes on dandelion puffs and eye lashes. I wished for that love, the kind that you can't live without. The kind of love that thousands of books have been written about. The kind of love that lasts forever. It isn't fickle or easy to forget. It is something that you don't just happen upon or fall into but love that you choose. Yes, I was and am very attracted to him, but more than that, my heart and soul has longed for something I didn't think I would find and then, I did. I found it in him. Robby is a rough and rugged type of man. He is kind and genuine. He is an incredible hard worker. He is the man that I trust with my kids. He will be a great example for my kids. He is loving and just as stubborn as I am! We have grown together in our relationship and have become better people because we have known each other.
June 6, 2015, Robby and I will be having a nighttime wedding and beginning our adventure surrounded by our family and a few friends. We won't be just getting married, we will be blending our families. Jayden and Chloe are very excited that they will have Robby in there lives permanently. Chloe is SO thrilled to have 3 more girls to play with and Jayden is coming to terms with being incredibly outnumbered. We will be a part of an amazing family that has accepted me with open arms. I'm so blessed to have their influence on my children as well.
I'm so grateful for every prayer, encouraging word and every person that supported me even when all I could do was speak about my hurt. Thank you to my mom and sister that have been my protectors and for loving me through my heartache even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you to my mom and her husband for showing me what a second chance looks like. Our journey didn't even start smoothly but who wants that? "We don't do easy, we do worth it." Apparently, easy isn't something I know anything about. Every bump, mountain and hilltop has made us stronger and I just pray it continues to do so.
As I sat in the parking lot, I was going between excessively happy and ready to panic. What am I thinking?! I'm totally insane! No one says I have to marry this guy. I'm just gonna have fun. What if he's crazy? What if he doesn't look like his picture? What if I fall for him but he isn't legit?! Can I take heartbreak anymore? He calls me. He confesses that he is beyond nervous. He said, "My hands are even sweating." Then, I was laughing. It was so great that this big ol NC boy was nervous about little me. I see his power stroke, Ford 250 sitting at the stoplight. I laughed out loud and clapped my hands like a kid. This is going to be great! I knew I wouldn't walk away from this night the same. I sat there and wanted him to walk into the restaurant first. I wanted to get a good look at him to prepare myself. Yes, I totally want to check him out. He sat in his truck and I could hear his thoughts from where I was sitting. He was thinking, where is she? Do I get out and go in? Should I meet her in the parking lot? I don't want to look stupid. I was holding my phone in my hand because I knew he would call me. He did. My phone rang and I laughed in it and said, "you are a chicken." He said where are you at? Coyly I responded, "Watching you. I can almost hear your debate from here." He laughed then and I told him I would meet him at his truck. He still hesitated. By then I could hardly quit smiling and laughing, my sarcasm was on overdrive in my head. I saw his boots hit the ground and I knew I was in BIG trouble. I came around the truck and we both looked at each other with smiles and I laughed as I and hugged him. We had immediate chemistry. Immediate. I was teasing him to make him comfortable and loving ribbing him for his nerves. We went in and i complimented him and he told me, You don't look too bad yourself. As a matter of fact, can I hug you again?" And that folks, is what we call brownie points. We were seating at our table and didn't talk a whole lot at first. He was just a mess. He now says it was an act, but I can assure you, it wasn't. The lady next to me didn't realize she had reached her limit on wine and started stroking my hair. "Is your hair real?" She asks me if I minded if she touched it as her dirty fingers were literally entangled in my hair. She's laughing and leaning over trying to talk to me so we start laughing at her expense. It was priceless.
After we ate, he decides the night can't end. We are within a few miles of the theater and we jet over there to watch a movie. I can't remember a thing about it except that he relaxed a bit more. At the end of the night, we both were wishing for more time and less space. He walks me to my car and I get in. He is sitting in his truck at this point. I sit there for a second, talking to myself as I am slowly inching out of my parking spot. You know if you go home now, you will regret not kissing him. We have no idea when we can get together again and even if we have THAT kind of chemistry... Oh goodness, you only live once. No regrets, remember? I pulled on the other side of him. I get out, and he opens his door, which kind of almost ruined my plans. I crooked my finger at him and I had a really serious face on. He's like, what's wrong?! I said, "Are you ready?" His eyes got big as can be and he said, "Are you going to kiss me?!!" I laughed at his face and said, "Yes. I hope you're ready." Well, that was a great ending to a perfect first date and I'm pretty sure fireworks were going off, if not over our heads then in them.
We talked every day since that night. We have spent evenings under shooting stars. We have spent evenings dealing with emotional children. We've spent time beside our grandparents as they went to Heaven. We have stood beside each other and held each other as we cried over the loss. We have had some very big things to get through. We have dealt with deaths in our families that shook us all to our core. We have had to deal with past hurts, exes and learning to trust ourselves and each other. We have had to learn to balance our lives, kids, exes, church, work and reality all at the same time. I have lived two lives. I have one in Durham and one in Charlotte. I've lived out of a suitcase sine January. I have traveled almost 300 miles every weekend since then. When my kids are with their dad, his kids are just arriving. Sometimes, there have been tears and fears that have clouded our time together. Sometimes there has been personal tough times for both of us that caused us to learn that we have a team member that will help carry the load.
We discussed getting married and had a date picked out. We have two sets of kids and there has to be allowances made for that in dealing with the exes and the transition. We have been working on giving his house a face-lift in all of this craziness as well. Thursday evening, I had finished my first day of class and he had finished work. It was raining like crazy but we wanted to have a date. We hadn't had a kid free, real date in a while. I got dressed up and had my "real" hair done up like a real, southern movie star and we set out. We ate some amazing food at Firebirds and I laughed until I cried. We were just sitting there and he started being sentimental. He told me he loved me and asked me if I knew that he did. I'm still giggling about what we had been talking about before. I can't ever just say, yes I know you love me, I have to ask why. Bless him. He told me, as he has before, you are what I've always wanted and what I had been looking for. He says, I got something for you. One of my love languages is sarcasm, so I'm still thinking he's teasing and say, you do huh? He pulls out a gorgeous box and I look at him with wide eyes and say,You're serious? I thought you were teasing me. He gets down on his knee and asks me if I will marry him. Mmmmmhhhh. Lemme think... Haha, YES!
Back it up two weeks, he had everything planned out to come to my house and surprise me. He caught a horrible bug and was down for the count for a long time. Then, that night, it rained. Again, thwarting his plans. I wasn't really expecting it because I knew he had been planning this for a while. Good surprise, for sure!!!
Ever since I was a girl I wished on every falling star I saw, making wishes on dandelion puffs and eye lashes. I wished for that love, the kind that you can't live without. The kind of love that thousands of books have been written about. The kind of love that lasts forever. It isn't fickle or easy to forget. It is something that you don't just happen upon or fall into but love that you choose. Yes, I was and am very attracted to him, but more than that, my heart and soul has longed for something I didn't think I would find and then, I did. I found it in him. Robby is a rough and rugged type of man. He is kind and genuine. He is an incredible hard worker. He is the man that I trust with my kids. He will be a great example for my kids. He is loving and just as stubborn as I am! We have grown together in our relationship and have become better people because we have known each other.
June 6, 2015, Robby and I will be having a nighttime wedding and beginning our adventure surrounded by our family and a few friends. We won't be just getting married, we will be blending our families. Jayden and Chloe are very excited that they will have Robby in there lives permanently. Chloe is SO thrilled to have 3 more girls to play with and Jayden is coming to terms with being incredibly outnumbered. We will be a part of an amazing family that has accepted me with open arms. I'm so blessed to have their influence on my children as well.
I'm so grateful for every prayer, encouraging word and every person that supported me even when all I could do was speak about my hurt. Thank you to my mom and sister that have been my protectors and for loving me through my heartache even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you to my mom and her husband for showing me what a second chance looks like. Our journey didn't even start smoothly but who wants that? "We don't do easy, we do worth it." Apparently, easy isn't something I know anything about. Every bump, mountain and hilltop has made us stronger and I just pray it continues to do so.
Every wish I made, I made for you. I just hadn't met you yet.
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