I DESPISE THAT YOU MAKE ME CARE

  Today, I would have been married twelve years. I swear it seems longer than that but it would have been my anniversary. I do not advocate for divorce and every day I realize why God stands so strongly against it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying but I am happier today than I ever thought possible. My life, in many ways, is harder than it was 12 years ago. I was so young and innocent and had the world at my feet. Now, I feel like I've climbed a mountain every other morning before 8 and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders on the other days but I'm happy.

  I do not want to be forgotten. I was there at the beginning. I went through all the painful growth and messes and I bore the children. I feel like driving over to the church where we were married and planting a flag in the yard! Wouldn't that be a sight? Sometimes I want to tell every sordid detail. I want to share the laughs and the tears but all of that is packed away in a different chapter, in a different book, in a different series that's stored in a different lifetime. I've talked to other women who have gone through divorce and I believe there's a general feeling of unfinished business. I like things a certain way and in a certain place. I'm that way with my relationships. I don't do messy. When you plan a life with someone and even have children with them, you are forever tied to them. Those dreams can no longer be fulfilled but the one that you shared those dreams and children with is still around. It feels wrong. It is wrong. When you parent your child, you feel alone even if you have an ex that coparents. You still feel like you are fighting a battle with a spoon and no protection.

  In the midst of this epiphany, I realized for the first time, that I despise the fact that I care. I'm afraid of caring too deeply for the girls, for his family, for the new relationships we are forming. I'm afraid if I care, something will happen and it will all be gone. I'm afraid that I care for others and they don't return that feeling. I'm afraid to get close to anyone that was friends with Robby's ex. I'm afraid that everything I do and say is being weighed. It's debilitating at times. When I hear myself talk around those people, I sound like a stranger to my own ears. I go home and go through every conversation and wonder if they interpreted what I was saying the way it was intended. Did I sound like I was whining or negative? Was I laughing too much? Was I too strict on the girls? Do I teach them enough? What do they see what they watch us? Do they like what their home is becoming since their dad and I have been married?

  It's hard to miss them. It's hard to feel like if you don't entertain them, they won't want to come. If you have rules, they will hate you. I miss my own kids on the weekends but missing the girls is harder. I'm not their mom. I really do realize that. It's different with kids that aren't your own. Your kids love you because you are their mom. Other kids, they aren't required to love you or even like you. I'm scared every day that I turned everyone's world upside down and they miss what used to be. I despise that they have made me care. Used to, I could hang around other people's kids and be the entertainer, go home and not have to worry about what they go through during the week, what they do and don't know and what they are hearing about me every day. There's no attachment. It's a different ballgame now.

  If I could hold myself aloof from all of them, I would have less worries.  If I didn't care... I would miss so much. I would miss the lessons and the play acting. I would miss the mess and the constant fact that my house looks like miniature tornados came through (well, I don't think I would miss the mess), the little arms wrapped around my neck before bed and wet kisses, the letters I write every week, the times they burst through the door. I would miss the children's growth, tears, laughter, concerns, school work, hearing them pray and leading them to the Lord. I would miss so much. If I hold myself at arms length and constantly worry about what everyone is thinking, I will run through myself pleasing people that in the end, won't matter. I'll lose my mind wandering if I'm doing everything right. There's only One person I want to please and only one true guideline I need to follow. If I don't let down my guard and make new friends, whether I get burnt or not, I'll never grow. If every man is your teacher, I have an opportunity to learn.

 Sometimes, I do despise that I care. It seems to get me into more trouble. Mostly, I'm thankful where my life is now. If you compare my life to 12 years ago, I'm so thankful who I am and where I am now. I'm a richer person for it. Yes, it can be scary, frustrating and exhausting but it can also be exciting, amazing and rejuvenating. If you have experienced this, don't hold yourself at arms length. Don't spend any time worrying about what anyone else thinks. If we are pleasing the Lord, that's all that matters! He will send the right friends and He will give us what we need for what we are going through! Let's be real, if you've ever met me, you've never forgotten it!

SPEAK FOR ME

  When I was younger, I was introduced to Doris Day movies. She became my favorite movie star and still is. She played on a movie called "I'll see you in my dreams" and was trying to explain to the man in the movie that you write songs for the ones that do not know how to say "I love you". The reason that I write is for the people that do not know how to translate their emotions on paper. In addition to that, I want everything I write to be a help to anyone that reads it. Whether it makes you laugh, cry or it sticks with you, I want every post on this blog to touch someone. I don't care to have millions of followers but I do hope to touch 1, every time.
  I've had some people comment to me recently that they read and loved my blogs. I think that is so awesome! I feel the need to apologize for my sporadic posts. As you know, I got remarried in June and now have 3 stepchildren. If I thought my life was crazy before, it is insane now! Sometimes it is very hard for me to write a post because I feel that my audience has changed some but I still want to be able to touch all the people I had reached before. Not only that, but my mind and heart has been assaulted with so many new emotions that is has become quite difficult to decipher them in order to write something that would be helpful, make sense and not too informative. Hopefully, I was very discrete about some things through my divorce. Now, I have an ex, his family, husband, his ex, his family, his kids and so much more to make sure I am not too descriptive about. I went from carrying the burdens of divorce to carrying the burdens of divorce, a blended family, being remarried and many more. I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have but with it comes so much more no one can really prepare you for unless they knew the future. My mind has been so clouded with the burdens and people around me that it has been hard to find the clarity to write.
  I know there are others that are dealing with loss, a spouse, children or just life in general and just wish they could put their feelings on paper. I think my problem isn't not having anything to say but rather saying too much. I know what it feels like to not know if my groceries will last. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a crowded room. I know what it feels like to be on the brink of hopelessness, insignificant and a waste of space. Sometimes I felt like if someone could just speak to my heart, I could catch a glimmer of hope again. If I could just get a hug, human contact, from someone that loved me, I could breathe again. If I could just go back and undo some mistakes, maybe I could repair my current situation. If I... Could last all day, a lifetime even.
  When I was in my early twenties, married, and we were going through a rough patch, I would slip into the "if only" and fantasize about what would have been if I would have made a more informed decision when it counted. That fantasy life was a dangerous place to go to. Now, I have a firm grasp of reality and sometimes reality can weigh you down. I find myself longing for a simple life where there is no such things as traffic jams, divided homes and what you eat is what you have grown. It isn't a possibility right now but I pretend that eventually it will be. I even set goals for myself. It may be a small goal of putting on makeup and doing all the laundry, including folding and putting it away, in an entire day. It may be a large goal of finishing my book I've been writing. If I can check one thing off on a bad day and several things off on a good day, I've made progress.
  The "if only", fantasy world (even found in books and tv) is not a healthy place to live. There are many things about my current status that I cannot change, like how the "other parent" thinks, feels or rears the children. What I can do is do what's right and do it consistently. That is itself and a daunting tasking. I can pray for the children when they are home and while they are away. I can pray for my hubs and show him what he needs to see of God in me. I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like "enough". I want everyone around me to be ok and when I can't fix it, I feel myself spiraling into a pit. I've had to learn that it is ok to "let go" of it and give it to God. If I'm tugging on the problem, He may not have the room to work that He needs. When I feel that pit looming, I have to take myself out of the situation and try to step back and find some good in the fact it cannot be fixed when I want it to be. Sometimes, that is SO HARD!
  I've read James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Variableness means that there no chance of him changing. I love that about God. Life changes every second and sometimes my emotions follow suit. I love that no matter what is going on God is the same. He loves me as much right now as He did before I messed up, lost faith, felt overwhelmed, etc.
  The "situation" I'm in is my gift? Seriously? Think about that verse from that angle, it helped me to. The situation, tough time and even good times were a gift from God. Breathing is a gift, everything else a bonus. Heard that one? I'm thinking.... No more bonuses! Even in a tough time God is showing you what you're made of, even if we really didn't care to know right now.
  I apologize to those of you who have told me that my posts have been too few and to those who only like to read only the funny stuff I write about the kids, I'm working on a good one for you too! Just know that no matter what is weighing you down (or bringing you up), you aren't alone. Sometimes our wings get wet and makes it harder to fly. They will dry and we will be soaring once again!

MY CHILDREN ARE SPIES

  I have discovered, my children are spies. They are clever spies and are very covert. They are at the top of their game at such early ages. As I vacuumed the floor, I happened across several of their trade secrets. They had unfolded a Bobby pin and stuck it through the carpet by the bathroom door to serve as a hidden "key" just in case they were locked out. I also discovered that where their curtains puddled on the floor, was an excellent place to hide little things that they didn't want their co-conspirators to find. There was little hair things and itty bitty toys they never thought anyone would find as I lifted the curtains to vacuum underneath. They had taken great care to hide all kinds of valuable Intel. There were books hidden in between mattresses, under the bed and carefully shoved in between the mattress and the headboard. Instead of bread crumbs to lead the way, my modern day Hansel and Gretels put a path of the tiny colorful hair ties, that they can also use for crafts, as clues to where they had been. These amazing spies that I am apparently raising had also written messages on the walls of the bathroom when the steam had caused the walls to be wet. The palm scanner was so covertly hidden on the opposite wall, that all I could see were the handprints. It is uncanny how smart they are. As I was on my hands and knees, wiping the bathroom floor, I noticed globs of toothpaste strategically placed so they could leave messages stuck to them whenever the need would arise. 

   I moved onto the couches and thought of how suspicious the weight of the couches would have been if we were going to move them since they were heavy with all kinds of goodies. There were toys, hairbrushes, pencils, finger nail clippers and all sorts of hidden treasures. What is so ironic about that particular stash is they can never produce any of these things when they need them. Apparently they are such good secret keepers, even they forgot where they were hidden. 

  They have not mastered going through my room without leaving a trace. As they cross over into my room, everything has to be searched for "bugs". They must touch everything in the room to ensure it is safe to talk. However, they do not return each item where they found it or sometimes in the same condition that they found it in. So far, we've been "bug" free but you never know when that could change. They leave their "calling cards" in the shape of colorful, mismatched socks, throughout the house just to let everyone know they were there. How kind and thoughtful they are. 

  My sweet little spies are stealthy little things that need lots of practice until they go to the "big time". I'm happy to oblige my .007 agents in training. I try to make it as challenging as I can when I wipe off their messages and stashes of goodies, just to keep them on their toes!

I'VE GOT A QUESTION

  I have been married for almost 6 months. We have been a blended family for almost 6 months. We have learned A LOT about each other. It is such a struggle for me to get my thoughts together and post a blog. I carry more on me in some ways than I thought I would. Having 3 additional children. It isn't a bad thing at all. It has taught me a lot about myself. I have seen myself through someone else's eyes. I have had emotions towards them that I would have never thought I would. I have struggled with jealousy, love, injustice, opinions, beliefs and fear. It has been a wonderful and tumultuous ride.

  I'm a tad bit opinionated. However, I try to base my opinions on what the Bible says. When my opinions are asked for, I give it without a problem. Now I am in the position of a stepmother and my filter must be put on high. As an ex wife, it must remain on high as well. I asked one of our 5 children what they were scared of with each parent in their life. They were very honest, even about me. Have you ever saw yourself through your kids eyes? It can be enlightening. She told me that what scares her about me is when they do something they shouldn't and how it makes them feel bad that they did wrong. Another parent, they were scared of because they screamed and threatened them when they were bad. As they went through all the parents, their school and friends, it really painted a picture for me of how they viewed things.

  This same child had an attitude with me a couple weeks ago with her voice, neck and body. I saw red! I had to walk away. However, when she said she feels guilt for doing wrong, I felt like that was a success. When the children do wrong, I walk them through the whole ordeal...

  What did you do? Why is that wrong? How should you have acted or reacted? You chose wrong, do you understand that? When you do wrong, what is that? Sin. Sin has to be what? Punished. Your parents are practice for learning to listen to God one day. When we ask you to do something that you don't understand or don't want to do and you do it with a good attitude anyway, you will eventually respond to God in the same way. Do we punish you because we want to see you sad? No. We punish you because that is what God says to do. It teaches you to think about the consequences the next time you come to that crossroads.
 
  Tonight, I was tucking the girls in and he let me pray with them this time. I started a silly tradition with Kayden, 9 years old, when Robby and I were dating and we would tuck them in. I would peek in her room just enough for her to see the outline of my face. She starts to giggle and I take off running and jump in her bed. I was leaning over her and kissed her little soft cheek and she said, "I've got a question." To which I responded, "I have an answer. You can ask me anything." She smiled really big and said, "Do you have to go to church to be saved?" All the bells and whistles in my head went off. I started praying in my head that this would be the opportunity I was looking for to share the gospel with her. I had thought about it this week a few times, wondering if I should open that door or let her.
I started from the beginning with Adam and Eve and told her where sin came from and how it was passed to us all. I explained what sin is and how Jesus died on the cross for us. I drew the picture of Jesus dying on the cross and He looked through time and saw me. He knew I would meet her. He knew I would marry her daddy. He knew my heart and my need for Him. As he hung there on the cross, he knew of our existence and He died for us. I explained our need for Him, the purpose behind church and reading our Bible. Then, I asked her if she would like to ask Jesus into her heart. She said YES. I called her dad into the room and told him what had taken place. I asked her, "If you disobeyed your mom, would you no longer be her kid?" She shook her head no. "The same way is with God. If you disobey and sin, you are still His child. You still must ask for forgiveness, just like you do when you wrong someone else, but you will always be His child once you ask Him into your heart." I saw the light come on in her mind and that it had hit its mark. I prayed for her and thanked God for softening her heart towards Him. I begged Him to help us show that God is real every day. When I paused, she prayed something like this... Lord, forgive me of my sins. Please come into my heart. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Help us tomorrow as we go to church to learn more about you. Please help all of my family to get saved too. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
  It took everything in me to not start blubbering. We told her we would get her a Bible to take to her moms house and I would underline really good verses that would help her everyday. We assured her that if she had any questions to come ask us and we would explain anything to her. If we didn't know, we would find out and learn together. I walked out so her dad could talk to her alone and express how proud he was of her alone. As I stepped out of the room I heard noises in the little girls room. I peeked inside and they said, "Would you read that Bible to us too?" If I could have melted, I would have been a puddle. It was then I hid in the bathroom and cried. Robby came in there and we held each other rejoicing over that sweet little girl answering the call and seeing her need for a Savior.
 
  Honestly, I have been discouraged. There has been a lot going on lately and you get to wondering if anything is taking? I try to have lessons with the kids every time they come. They will beg sometimes.  You wonder, are you understanding? Am I being clear? Am I saying the right things? Are their spirits growing? Guess what? They are!! Tonight was total proof. The lessons that we have had, the prayers prayed, the rules and guidelines implemented have all been working together. Isn't it amazing how God works? I have a question for you. Is God real to you? Is He real to your kids? How are you showing them that you aren't just going through the motions? Don't be discouraged! They are listening even when you think they aren't! This has lit a fire under me. This has encouraged me to make sure my steps are ordered by the Lord in every area of my life so I can lead by example. What an awesome responsibility we have as parents and as Christians.

LOVE IS YES. LOVE IS NO.

   As my hubs and I were talking about our differences in child rearing, I made the statement,”Love is yes. Love is no. Love is hugs and kisses and presents. Love is discipline and creating rules.” How many times have we wanted to be the “good guy” and make our kids lives like a giant vacation? How many times would we like to tell them yes to anything that they wanted it just because we love them so much? Then again, how many times have we told them no for that very same reason?
  When my children were smaller, I took their bed frames out to their rooms and out the mattresses on the floor. You can't imagine the looks of “bless your heart” I received for that and “are you kidding me?” The reason was, I allowed my kids to jump on their beds until they were so big they got hurt flipping off the mattresses. When their friends came over, they jumped on the beds too. It was so great! That was my “yes”. Why they got to the point that injury was prevalent, I got “official beds” and told them they were no longer able to jump on the beds. If they did, they would be punished. Not only would they get hurt but they would break the bed. We must always take care of what God has given us. That, was my “no”. Did I love them any less because they now couldn't jump on their beds? Absolutely not. The reason they were told “no” was because they would be hurt if we continued to do what we were doing.
  Think about this. What happens if you illuminate every opportunity to tell your kid no? What will happen? If your first thoughts may be, no more fights, I won't feel like the “bad guy”, they will be happier, I have another thought for you. What does it teach them? If they are never told “no” and they group up to be adults, in a real world, what do you think they will do when they are told “no” by a friend, boy/girlfriend or boss? If they have never been told no, they will not know how to deal with the emotions that are going to hit them, no matter their age, when that word hits their ears. How fair is that? Are you really doing them any favors? Have you ever went to work or school with someone that has never been told “no”? I have. They had be told “yes” by everyone or they would pay dearly.
  I have recently been able to get aquatinted with a very unhappy child. This child used to scream and beat her head against the wall when she didn't get her way. She would hide and pout for hours and scream and shove if she didn't get attention. She is such an unhappy little person with so much built up anger inside. Her mother tried to not tell her “no” and everyone around her as well. Then, in walks me. I have observed her for months. Do you know when she is most happy? She is most happy in doing something for me or serving others. She doesn't realize that but it is true. It's amazing.

  Let's take this one more direction and see if it makes sense. After my divorce,  I had prayed that I would meet a guy I had already knew along the way or someone I trusted knew so I wouldn't get into a mess on down the line. I started talking to a guy I knew in grade school. We had a similar background, went to the same school, our parents used to be close and we hit it off just like the “good old days”. He told me he was divorced. He kept asking me to meet him for supper. So, I had asked him if we could go to church together first. That always illuminates who it needs to. He said, “Well, my ex would flip.” To which I respond, “Um, why would that matter, you are divorced?” He smoothly replies, “We just have this agreement because church is more personal than a meal.” Yes. I was shaking my head and realizing something wasn't right. “You told me you are divorced, I'm still not following.” Well, TECHNICALLY we aren't divorced yet. We are actually living in the same house because she won't leave. WHAT?!?!? You have got to be kidding me! He wasn't. Needless to say, I no longer spoke to him and was fed up with the whole dating scene. I was over it! I told the lord to take away my desire to be with someone that loves me and would help me raise my kids. My mom decided that she would pay for a months subscription to “Christian Mingle” and within the month I met my husband.
  I had prayed, fervently but God said “wait”. Sometimes, he out and out said “no”. That can still be aggravating as an adult. Did that mean that God didn't love me? Did that prove that He tried to “take back” dying in the cross for me? Did that show that I really am not important enough to be given a “yes”? No to all the above. God loves us to tell us “yes” and He loves us enough to tell us “no”. His love doesn't change just because our likes and circumstances do. His love is always the same. No matter what the question, even life or death, His love doesn't change according to what He answers.
  I believe if I pattern my life after Christ then I will be the parent I need to be. Why is ok for the One that created us and literally gave His life for us to say “no” and still be a good God but we are  horrible parents if we say “no” to our own children? You don't have to agree with me but I do believe we are selfish parents if we spoil our children and never tell them “no”. We want the “parent of the year award”, we want to be our children's friend. That isn't our job yet. Our job is to parent. Another word for parent is rear, raise or nurture. Nurture means to care for and encouraging the growth and development of someone or something. Do we fit that description? Are we equipping our kids with the knowledge and discipline they need to be contributing adults? We are teaching them how to handle being told "no". How to have a good spirit even when they don't get their way. What if God didn't give them their way when they prayed. Maybe it wasn't even a selfish prayer, but the answer was still "no". Knowing how to handle an answer they don't want will possibly save them from being so bitter at God they reject everything they have learned. I love my children enough to tell them "yes" and I love my children enough to tell them "no". Do you?

BATH TIME

  As some of you know, I was never the little girl that dreamed about having kids. I wanted to be a cowgirl, Calamity Jane or Anne Oakley. I wanted to raise horses and monkeys rather than children. I was the son my dad never had. I was tougher than most of the boys growing up and my dad was afraid that I would be a woman's lib leader. I overheard him telling my mom that if she didn't get me "in the kitchen", no man would want someone that was better than him in everything.

  When I got married as a 19 year old girl, for the first time, I had a desire to be a mom. However, I wanted to have 4 boys that would all be red headed. Yes. I had great plans...

  In reality, I have 10, 9, 8, 5 and 3 year old children. 2 of which were born to me and 3 that God gave me through marriage. We have a very busy and a very full house at times. We do not have a huge house but it is enough for us. Saturday night and Sunday's are always a circus at the house. Saturday night is in preparation for church on Sunday. Almost every Saturday night our night sounds a little bit like this...

  "Everyone get your pjs and panties and underwear, it's time for baths" (Since we have 5 kids, they all have a number and a color so we can keep up with who's is who's, and where it goes) #4 says, "Do I HAVE to take a baaaath? I didn't even sweat today and I took a bath yesterday." To which I respond (every time), "Yes, you must have a bath. You need a bath every day, even if you don't sweat if it's just to wash germs off your body. Besides, you sweat very easily so I believe it's safe to say, you definitely require a bath tonight." The last statement was a huge mistake. "Feel my hair. It's not even wet. I really don't need a bath. I promise." In my head I'm thinking... Did I ASK your opinion? No. I said take a bath but out of my mouth I say, "#4, you have to take a bath. You may take it with a smile or with a frown but you will be getting into the tub first so you can get it out of the way."
  No sooner than this conversation ends, #5 comes to inform me she will NOT be taking a bath. Her favorite sentence is "I don't want to." "What did I say? I don't care if you want to. You go get into the tub." "I DONT WANT TO!", she wails. My husband will try to convince them to take a bath. I, on the other hand, will tell them to do it immediately or be punished and then they will still have to do it. I can hear him in there trying to soothe her and talk her into the tub. Either she got into the tub of her own will or was lifted over the edge due to her inability to bend her knees at this present moment. She's now crying and standing in the tub determined she will NOT be bathed. I round the corner and see her standing there with tears streaming down her face. I give her a look that says I mean business and tell my husband that I will take care of it. He leaves and I pick up the rag, ignoring her insistence and tell her she only has the option to sit down and take a bath. #4 and 5 are still young enough that they still take their baths together. It's helpful for me as well. Most of the time, I will talk to them, ask them about their week or tell them stories. Depending on the time, I may get right down to scrubbing. In this instance, I am wetting hair and scrubbing "clean" bodies as fast as I can. As I am bathing #4 and 5, #2 ALWAYS comes and finds me with a look that her dog just died, and says the same thing. "I can't find my pjs." "Did you look in your drawers?", I reply while counting to a hundred in my head. "Yes. I looked in my top drawer." I let the air out slowly and ask, "Did you try looking in ALL your drawers?" She smiles at me and turns around to find the mysterious pjs that continually crawl out of her drawers every weekend and hide just long enough for her to tell me she cannot find them. As I'm finishing up #4 and 5, #2 again makes her appearance. There are no pjs in her hands OR panties... "I cannot find anything in my drawers." I have now moved up to counting to a thousand. I'm telling myself in between numbers to not lose my cool. I walk her through the correct way to search her magic drawers that eat her clothes every weekend. We go into the bedroom and there are random clothes and things in these magic drawers. Apparently, the toys and clothes are fighting when we leave the room and they have had some of each cross enemy lines and have been captured because some are in the closet and some in the drawers. The very FIRST place I look, I find pjs (several) and enough panties to clothe the Cabarrus county Jr cheer squads. Before I could cross the threshold of her room to go back towards the bathroom, #1 comes up to me. "We are taking baths???? Do I have to take a bath?" He says "I" like he is a king on the throne and he couldn't possibly come to the commoners domain to wash his royal self. "Yes sir you do. You also get to wash your face, put on moisturizer and brush your teeth. Isn't that awesome?" He looks at me with a smirk on his face and turns back towards his room in defeat. #3 has yet to make an appearance because it is in her tactical plan for me to be so busy that I do not realize she has not yet bathed. She's the only one of the 5 that doesn't mind a bath, most of the time. However, #3 is the mom of the group. She wants to instruct everyone else about how to bathe and when it's their turn. I  can hear her in the little ones room saying, "Where's your brush? Your hair looks like rats have lived there. You didn't clean your room either. You better do that before mom comes in here." She is our little mother. Bossy but a little mother.
"#2! Go hop in the shower." What seems like a week later, I hear the water still running and I go into the bathroom to see if she has fallen and knocked the sense out of her head as for the explanation of why she would still have the water running for that length of time. "Whatcha doing?" She responds, "I'm brushing my hair while there is conditioner on it and I cannot get all the tangles out." Have you washed your body? "Not yet." I have now counted to 300,479. "#2, if it is going to take you that long to comb through your hair, please do everything else first, shut off the water, comb through your hair and THEN turn the water back on and rinse. #1 or 3 hasn't gotten to take a bath/shower yet.
   I then start trolling the hallway handing out vitamins and instructions to finish up our evening. I think to myself, who's in the shower now. I walk into the bathroom and find #2 STILL in the bathroom soaking wet. What in blue blazes could she be doing? "Um.... #2, why are you still in the bathroom? We have 5 kids to get in and out and you are still in. It took me less time to bathe your sisters than it is taking you." I hear a scramble around the corner of the bathroom, "oh I'm done." I realize I'm holding my breath and I let it out. "Good! So, you took a shower, washed your face and brushed your teeth?" "I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth." Heavenly Father up above, PLEASE help these children to live to see their next birthday. At this point my speech is slow and deliberate. "Why did you not wash your face and brush your teeth?" "You didn't tell me to." 536,284... 536,285... "Every time you take a bath or shower here, do you wash your face and brush your teeth as well?" She's smiling at this point and I am not. "Yes." "So, why would I have to tell you in order for you to do it? You know it must be done." She then goes into the bathroom to finish up. #1 and 3 believe they have gotten through the day with no bath. They have BOTH jumped into bed of their own volition and are saying their prayers like spiritual warriors. If I listened closely, they are probably beseeching Jesus to intercede for them with me and make me tell them no baths for the day.
   At this point of the night, #2, 4 and 5 must call their mother. I never know when this may be going down but I hear ruckus and I have already told #4 and 5 to get into bed and wait for us to tuck them in. Get them all into bed is like herding chickens. By the time you have gotten one in the pin, the other 4 have gotten loose. I'm barking orders while they are talking to their mom! I know I sounded like a drill sergeant and she probably thinks I'm killing her kids. While I'm kicking myself for not checking what was really going on before I barge into the room and assuming they are disobeying, I'm now locating my little prayer warriors. "#3, go hop into the shower. Take a quick shower but do it correctly." #3 gets into the shower but must sing what she's doing, I mean everything. #2, 4, and 5 are done talking to their mom and I am trying to tidy up from the hurricane Hancock that blows in every day. They have been told they can read a book until their dad and I come in the finish tucking them in but they must not leave their beds. I hear footsteps down the hallway. They aren't man footsteps they are the steps of a disobedient child that will get no birthday presents next year. "What are we going to do tomorrow?"
    A little bit about me, there's only so long I can refrain from being sarcastic and then My head explodes. I can only count but SO high! This child has escaped a huge 6' tall man, 4 other children who are warning her as she is passing their bedrooms and she lands in the kitchen like she hasn't a care in the world. I pause in disbelief at the sight before my eyes. I'm sure my eyes have flames bursting out of them and when I talk little bursts of smoke come out through my teeth I am trying to un-clench. "Do you have an emergency? Is some thing deathly wrong with you? Did I speak English when I gave you instructions to look at a book until I came back to your room to tuck you in?" The disobedient offender has taken off down the hall with a gallop like I'm after her with a paddle before I can finish my rhetorical questions.
  #3 has finished her shower and is singing her way into her bedroom. #1 is faking sleep after his ultra spiritual prayer life had to come to a halt. "#1, go get in the shower really quickly. It's past bedtime and church is tomorrow." THIRTY seconds later he is emerging from the bathroom claiming he is clean. Smell me. I'm clean. I am just really fast." Even if he just jumped in and counted to 5, I just want them all in bed. I walk into the bathroom and look around. Apparently, a tiny drone with miniature bombs big enough to destroy a very small space without disrupting anyone in the next room. There is toothpaste on the sink, UNDER the mirror, on every conceivable item on the surface of the sink, on the floor and even on the shower curtain. There is a mound of towels that looked like they are trying to hide a body with in the middle of the room along with 5 sets of clothes. Apparently, there was temporary paralysis to everyone that entered the bathroom and until they left, they wouldn't regain use of their extremities. There is rags and lufa's piled in the tub or dripping off the side of the tub. My foot squishes as I step to a "safe zone", otherwise called the rug. The toilet seat is up and must have been on fire. Why else would it be wet on every square inch?  There is toilet paper in little bitty pieces on the floor that is now soaking wet. Half a roll is in the trash can and the piece that was hanging down has now been taken captive by the dog and there is a trail, she doesn't realize I can follow, and she is playing in the middle of it. "What in the world?" I say in utter disbelief and just loud enough for the refugees to hear. The movement and whispering I heard before that moment stopped immediately. "Oh!" #1 says like the light bulb just went off. "Hey mom, Um, I forgot my,,, uh." He looks into the bathroom and what he missed earlier. I'm just assuming he was struck with blindness and temporary paralysis moments before and the veil has been miraculous lifted from his eyes. He sheepishly and quickly grabs his things and I summon the remainder of the refugees to do clean up on this battle zone.
  Finally, everyone is in their beds. Prayers, snuggles and bear hugs have been given, in some cases multiple times. We sit on the couch and hear that dreaded sound that every parent knows so well, footsteps down the hallway, AGAIN, but that story is for another time!!

WHAT DID I ASK YOU TO DO?

 This weekend we celebrated my son's 10th birthday! I cannot believe I have a kid in double digits! I picked up one of his friends that he had at his school in Durham, we had the girls and my mom and her husband as well. We had a total of 6 kids, 4 adults and our near perfect "baby", Bitsy. The house was full. There were people everywhere. My mom and her husband slept at our house instead taking the of a comfort a kid free room and a bed that felt like a cloud that his parents offered and piled in with us. Bless them! My daughter even talked my mom into letting her share her twin bed while her husband slept on the pop up trundle beside them.
  The next morning we decided we would make the kids pancakes and let them eat so we could have some adult conversation and could eat in peace. The children ate 2-4 pancakes a piece and were released to go outside while we got our meal finished and table set. My mom and I play music while we cook. She had been wanting me to hear a song that she said reminded her of my grandpa that passed away before she was remarried. She started the song and the first couple notes were played and a child emerges in front of me with the most pertinent of questions. Can I play with the puppy??
"What did I ask you to do while the adults ate?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast."
The song is still playing in the background of the door opening and shutting and in that small window of opportunity another child comes into the house. Can we ride four wheelers? "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast." So... We can't ride four wheelers? At that point "the look" was administered.
Mom started laughing and said, "I don't know why I thought you could listen to an entire song." Welcome to my world! We started the song again and almost made it through the entire thing. We put the finishing touches to our breakfast and called the men inside. We said the prayer and began to eat. The door burst open and I heard "Chloe is hurt and she needs you right now!!" What happened? "I think she got hit in the head by the soccer ball!" Is her head still attached? Is she bleeding? Is she walking and talking, then she can come inside and let me look at her. The door slams and we try to continue our conversation. During this time, I notice our puppy running back and forth from one of the girls rooms to my room. I put a little bell on her because she is so small, we can find her and won't step on her. That bell is jingling as hard as it can. I'm telling stories about the kids and about every 2 minutes she's running like the devil is chasing her. Her back is hunched over and her tail is tucked beneath her body and her ears are flopping. The door flies open and Chloe come stomping in and down the hallway. She isn't happy I didn't run to her aid. SLAM! The door shut once again. Jingle, jingle, jingle the dogs collar goes as she is flying across the hallway once again. Apparently she has gotten into one of the rooms that she isn't supposed to be and is running around in victory of stealing a toy. I start back into my story, yet again and the door chimes again, "front door". "They won't let me have the bike! Daddy said he would teach me how to ride without training wheels!" Excuse me. "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating? Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast. We will fix it all then." The dog runs across, once again.  I believe we were able to get through several bites and the littlest one comes in with pure panic on her face. Patenna (McKenna) fell down and is bweeding! "Oh Lord! Can she walk? Ask her to come inside." She tan't walk, she's BWEEDING! As if on queue, the puppy runs across and back again as if in emphasis of he impending doom that awaited us.
Robby jumps up and comes to her aid. She had fallen while using her roller blades and skinned her "bad eh-bow" (she broke her elbow a few months back, yes you can do that). She had a spot of blood on her elbow and she was walking but acted as though she needed a wheelchair. I took a deep breath and looked at mom and David. We all just started laughing. What a nice relaxing breakfast we were having. I started winking and twitching like I was starting to get a tick. No sooner than my sarcasm overtakes me, one more child comes through and asks about something that was not an emergency. I didn't even respond. We just all started moving in different directions showing our defeat  trying to get some peace and the guys went outside to play with the kids while we cleaned up from breakfast as the dog runs back across the hallway.

  I did find out why she was acting so crazy. She had gotten into the girls room and stole a stuffed baby puppy. She thought she had done something big! Mom and I cleaned up and watched the kids play and learn how to ride their bike without training wheels. The boys threw the football and the girls painted on the hammock. It looked so peaceful to watch them play outside. Looks can be deceiving. The morning was pure chaos. When they are gone, we miss it.
  I have never in my life been on such an emotional roller coaster. Either they are in tears or I am most weekends. I feel like we should have this figured out by now but as my own sweet guardian angel and mom of 4 told me, we just started. I can't expect to have figured anything out yet and that is ok. There's so many things no one could ever understand that is going on behind the scenes. The accusations and tears, the emotional children being told to keep secrets and using the children's fears to get what they want. Dealing with emotional abuse and fearing what's going on that we don't know about. Knowing that the only power we have is prayer and not liking the feeling of having no control. Prayer can change things but it's hard to let that be your secret weapon. From the outside it looks like you are "taking" what's being dished out. It's humbling.
  You may not can get through 5 minutes without some sort of "emergency " or one week without  a lawyer calling or a threat from your ex but it's ok. Sometimes the hardest, most challenging and craziest things are what helps us be who we need to be. Sometimes it's the unexpected emotions that make us realize it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't reflect badly on your mothering skills to have a revolving door, it means your children are human and so are you. It's ok to want to hide in the closet and put a sign on the door that reads "Out of the office". Hang up your superwoman cape. She is only real in comics and movies. Just breathe. Plaster a smile on your face, force yourself not to scream at your children and remember that in moments they will not be right down the hall and forgetting to shut their doors. The dog won't be stealing their toys, she'll be whining by their doors because they don't live their anymore. Enjoy the chaos and smile through the tears. Besides, it all makes for a great story!