BY HIS FEET

Every week I write a letter to one of Robby's girls. This week, I decided to share one of the letters I wrote to all three of them. The truth of it deserves to be shared.

Dear girls,

  This week I wanted to write a letter to all of you. I hope Kayden will read this to you before bed, when the house is quiet and you can concentrate on my story.
   When we were at Em’s party I noticed something. Do you remember where McKenna laid the gifts everyone brought? Take a minute and think about it… She laid them at Nate’s feet. Even if Em would have been feeling better, those gift would have been laid at her feet. Doesn't that sound like silly that I noticed that. Do you know why I noticed it? I believe God made sure I was paying attention because the entire weekend I thought about gifts.
  
 Do you know that all 3 of you are a gift? Did you know God gave you to your parents as a gift? Some people cannot have children at all, other than through adoption, but He gave her and your dad THREE gifts!
  Think about when you really want to buy a gift for someone.You save your money, think long and hard on what you want to give someone else because you love them so much and want to see them happy. You give your time and sometimes you give your money (Both of those are VERY valuable, like treasure) and then, what you do with that gift? You lay them at the feet of the one you got the gift for.  One day, when we are in Heaven, God will give us crowns for what we do and how we serve Him on earth. Do you know what the Bible says we will do with those crowns? I bet you can guess. (You will have to tell me who guessed correctly) I imagine, we will get those crowns, hold them, admire them and maybe even try them on just to see if they really fit and then…. We will lay them at Jesus feet! Just like those gifts that were worked so hard for. Doesn't that sound silly? Why would someone spend their whole life serving God just to get a reward and not take it? You may not understand now, but serving the Lord IS the reward!

   God gave our children to us and those children were God’s treasures! You were God's gifts that He gave us, remember? Do you know what we did in return? Guess!! I bet you can't guess it… We gave our children (you) BACK to God! WE LAID YOU AT HIS FEET!  Can you imagine getting a gift and knowing the person loved that gift SO much that you gave it back to them instead of keeping it? Wouldn't that have seemed funny if Nate would have given all those presents back? You would have NEVER forgotten that party, ever!

 What I mean is, God loves you more than anyone else does, even more than we do! Kayden, grab your Bible and look up John 3:16. Now, read it to the girls. Jesus loved us so much that He DIED for us! Now THAT is love! We knew how much God loves each and every one of you so we decided that we would raise you to love and serve the Lord and in doing that, we laid our 5 gifts (Jayden, Kayden, Chloe, McKenna and Skylar) down at Jesus feet.  We gave up what we wanted and decided to raise you the way God wants, even when it is hard. THAT’S how much you are loved… Our most valuable things in this world isn't our house, cars, money or popularity, it is YOU!
   When God gave you to us, He gave us our own little pieces of sunshine, laughter and chaos! He gave us a piece of His heart tucked away inside of YOU! That's how special you are! Kayden, now look up, Psalms 139:14 and read that as well. Did you catch that? God said we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Have you ever seen something so beautiful you didn't know how to describe it or maybe you gasped when you saw it? That is what we are to God. We are one of His most valuable things in His creation. Isn't that amazing? We are God’s crown with priceless jewels all over it.

   Sometimes, we may have to be tough. We may have to discipline or get tough with you but it is ONLY because we are trying to raise our “gifts” the way God would have us raise them. Why is it SO important for us to teach you to have a positive (good) attitude and look at the good people do and not their mistakes? Why is it SO important for us to be kind to other people? What does it matter if we go to church? All of those things are SO important because those are the things that God wants us to teach you. We cannot always be with you but God is. When you are scared, lonely, confused, angry, happy, excited, God is there. Always! Our reward isn't getting a crown in heaven for helping to raise 5, wild children. Our reward is in raising you. Our reward is hearing you pray at the table before our meals and before bedtime. It is hearing what each of you said about what you love about each other at our family Valentine’s Day party. It is seeing you learning. It is seeing you be kind and sharing that kindness with others. Our reward is YOU!!!

  We hope you will share your kindness, your heart and Jesus with those around you. I hope you give Him thanks before you eat and before you lay your head on your pillow every night when you are not with us. We love you so much!

  This weekend we will be celebrating the one, the only Kaaaaaaayden’s TENTH birthday party!! Bring your dancing shoes and your best moves and meet me at the skating rink!

We love you sweet girls! XOXO

  I hope you can see the picture that I am trying to paint. We need to hear that we are God's greatest treasures but can you imagine how much more our children need to know it? If you have a situation that your kids have 2 homes and you may not know what they experience during that time, allow me to tell you something that someone reminded me of lately. Strengthen their relationship with God because He is with them when you are not. He will ALWAYS be with them.
  In the past several weeks, I have realized that I am trying so hard to make up for what the girls do not know, that I have forgotten my kids need this as well. I have purposed in my heart to reach out to my own children spiritually more than I have been. I used to really struggle with the fact I was always the "good kid" because I was left alone by the adults because they knew I did what I was supposed to. I craved knowledge spiritually and academically but most people took it for granted that I already knew the things they were teaching. PLEASE don't assume your kids know how amazing they are, not just to you but to God. I am looking forward to seeing my kids put their most valued possessions at Jesus' feet. When that happens, I believe that I will have insurmountable satisfaction because at that moment, I will see my gifts that He gave me at His feet.

THE COACHES BOX

  One of my greatest fears in my life is to fail to make God real to my kids. I pray that they aren't blinded by my humanity and fail to see the Light in me. I pray that experiencing parents that were divorced when they were at such a young and impressionable age, will not provide a life-long excuse for every inadequacy and failure. I want them to be more compassionate, loving and discerning than they would have been if their dad and I were to stay together.

  A few nights ago, my son had decided he would protest his current circumstances to someone that loves that kind of ammunition for a "rainy day." I was hurt. I was angry and I was very disappointed. When I found out, I gave it about 30 minutes and walked back into his room to confront him about what I had discovered. You know, it is very hard to talk to someone logically when they hurt you. It is even harder when that person is totally clueless about the amount of damage they could cause because they were naive. For the next 15 minutes I lectured, scolded and tried to make him understand that you do not "throw a fit" (verbally) because you aren't getting your way. I ask him if he knew that he gave that person ammunition and he said he did. WOW! Talk about removing the knife from your heart... That was rough. Afterwards, I sat on the couch trying to focus on what was I was watching, very unsuccessfully. I felt AWFUL!! He needed what I gave him but every time I get on to the children, I worry nonstop if I said the right things, went too far or if I scarred them for life. I made it plain that he had to take what was given without a comment or tear but an hour later, I walked by his room and heard what I was dreading to hear. He was crying. Do you know how awful it feels to see tears on this little mans face that is almost as tall as I am? I guessed he was upset about our one-sided conversation. Instead, he was upset about a whole different thing that I would have never guessed.
 
   I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just wished his dad and I were together still. "I hate divorce. I just want everything to be perfect and it isn't." (Tell me your heart didn't break a little bit because mine did.) You know that moment when your life flashes before your eyes in a split second? I had that. I envisioned his dad and I together. I remembered when we laughed together. I remembered when the kids were born. I remembered the end of our marriage and the times in between. It wasn't perfect and I told him so. Both of my children tell me that their dad was happier when we were together. It feels like my heart is a brick when they say that. "I promise you that I did everything I could to prevent our divorce." Those promises felt empty when his face showed the pain his heart was feeling. "The divorce happened and this is our life. Daddy is re-married and so am I. No amount of wishing changes that. Did you know that I struggled when my parents divorced? My reasons were a little different than yours but I did struggle. You were just born and I felt like a 12 year old child in the turmoil that I had in my mind and heart." His little brow furrowed for a second and he listen as if something I said would make all of this okay again. "You cannot resent Robby because he isn't your daddy and you cannot resent Heidi because she isn't me. That isn't fair. This is our life and life is NEVER perfect. It is almost always messy. If you wait to be happy until life is perfect, you will never find happiness. Happiness comes from within and it comes from God."

  "Do you remember when we watched the Panthers play, the coaches have on headphones with a microphone? They were talking to other coaches in the coaches box way above the field, the teams playing and the people cheering them on. They are way up there because they can see everything. They have a view of the teams, the plays and even what they should do to help anticipate what the opposing team is going to do. That is what God does for us. He is in our coaches box. He can see EVERYTHING. He knew the decisions we would make to wind up here. He knew your heartbreak before you shed the first tear. You have to trust that God wants you to win and that He knows the best plays to get you there. He is calling those plays down to me, your teachers and to the Pastor. Right now, we are the ones that tells you the plays He tells us to call. Eventually, you will be the one wearing the headphones and it will be your choice whether or not to listen to the Coach in the box. Personally, I believe going through this divorce and learning to cope with the consequences of it is going to make you a kinder and more compassionate man. I believe it will help you make a better decision when it comes to picking a spouse. I know it is rough and you may always struggle in some ways but don't give up on your coaches. Listen and trust us. One day, you will understand why we made the calls we made."

   It was a reminder that I may be happy in my marriage and be healing but they will struggle with the divorce long after my scars have healed. Their little hearts will always be tender towards what they went through. It was a reminder to be more aware of the struggles they currently are having. It was a challenge to keep communicating to the ones that impact their life as well. My heart breaks when they hurt but it was a reminder that God was in my coaches box and calling the plays that I needed in order to be victorious. Listen, trust and run the plays with the knowledge our "Coach" wants us to win even more than we do!

RELEASE ME

   Recently, I had an encounter with a prominent person from my past. We will call her Gertrude to protect the innocent. Gertie was one that I was warned against as a teenager. In my mind, the source wasn't very reliable so I disregarded the warning. Looking back, it should have been taken a little more seriously. She was my teacher and trainer of sorts. She taught me to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and kept a meticulous "ledger" of every mistake that I made. Later, Gertrude shared it with me. She made a statement to me when my marriage had ended that wasn't to comfort but rather to push me into the despair she thought I was on the brink of. "One day, your pictures will be replaced by another women. You will soon be forgotten to us. Someone else will be helping to raise your children because of your decisions."

  During that time, God had moved within me in a way I never thought possible. I was granted a great insight to that teacher and many more with the same type of comments. It took the strength that I didn't posses to forgive them all. It still does. When I walked up to Gertrude 3 years later and tried to pretend business as usual, she made it clear to me that she had not changed her opinion of me a bit. At first, I felt sad and then angry. Finally, I felt relief. Relief that if I still grate on her nerves and don't meet with her approval. It showed me that I am doing something right! I don't want to be approved by someone that won't allow anyone to be human. I don't want to be approved by someone that has caused devastation in the wake of their self appointed position as judge, jury and executioner. I want to be loathed by the people that I refuse to be like and loved by the ones that are compassionate, true friends and are regular humans that need Jesus, just like me. I want to be loved by people that can overlook my imperfections and see my heart.

   I've had many people ask me questions about my divorce and how I coped with it in different areas. What I'm afraid is getting lost in the message is divorce is wrong. You don't get a divorce because he gets on your nerves or he is mean when he is mad. You don't get a divorce because his sins were more than yours. You don't get a divorce to get rid of problems.You don't get a divorce because you cannot forgive their past. I understand more and more every day why God doesn't like divorce. There are biblical reasons for divorce, I get that. I have been there but even then, you can still forgive, get help and become the couple God wants you to be. I believe our generation is full of weak people that quit instead of working harder. I did it. I gave forgiveness and I did my best to out it out of my mind. There is so much more about my situation that I cannot share with anyone. There is a point, even with the knowledge that you are "justified" in your situation, that you have to protect yourself. You have to do what is in the best interest of you, your family and right in the eyes of God. It took guts to end my marriage. I knew the fallout would be catastrophic and I still feel the effects. I knew I would be alone. I knew that only God knew the entire truth of what went on behind closed doors. Some people that I talk to, I feel so burdened for. Some, I'm amazed that they haven't been struck by lightning. Some have justified an affair. Some are just tired of him or her. Some, just don't want to put in the effort because they are selfish and some, of no fault of their own, now have a scarlet D on their forehead.

  Gertrude sat there looking at me through judgmental eyes, with a flaming tongue and a heart of stone and a pious look. I looked at her and, not even for a second, did I feel like I did 3 years ago. However, I wanted to plead with her. I wanted to ask her to release me from the past, to release me from the sins she puts at my feet and to allow her eyes to be opened and see who I really am. I didn't feel like cowering in front of her and begging for her approval. I had grown through her teaching in a much different way than she ever knew. I was relieved that I did not have to deal with her unless it was of my choosing. I live with the knowledge that my children can be touched by that poison but I send them in armed with the love of Christ and a spirit of grace. Prayerfully, through my own learning from Gertie's teachings, my children can be spared.

   The ironic thing about the entire encounter was I still loved her. I still felt compassion. It used to aggravate me that I could love people that have done everything in their power to destroy me. Now, I'm thankful for it. God put that there. I believe He wants us to know what it is like to love people that try to destroy you, to love the ones that don't understand the truth. He wants us to know Him and only through that type of love can He truly be known.

  No matter who has purposefully tried to hurt you, broadcast your personal life, not allowed you to make mistakes, destroyed your world, has tried to take away your dignity, destroy your marriage, or has managed to make you feel insignificant. You can rise above that and love them in spite of the damage they have tried to do to you. It doesn't seem fair that they get love instead of retribution but it is mercy that sets you apart. My prayer is that we will be a teacher ourselves but instead of teaching to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and how to keep a "ledger" of everyone's mistakes, we can be the kind of teacher that teaches and shows, forgiveness, love, grace and mercy. We can release someone from the bondage we put them in through our own prejudices. We can forgive them and grant them freedom. What kind of teacher will we choose to be?

I DESPISE THAT YOU MAKE ME CARE

  Today, I would have been married twelve years. I swear it seems longer than that but it would have been my anniversary. I do not advocate for divorce and every day I realize why God stands so strongly against it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying but I am happier today than I ever thought possible. My life, in many ways, is harder than it was 12 years ago. I was so young and innocent and had the world at my feet. Now, I feel like I've climbed a mountain every other morning before 8 and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders on the other days but I'm happy.

  I do not want to be forgotten. I was there at the beginning. I went through all the painful growth and messes and I bore the children. I feel like driving over to the church where we were married and planting a flag in the yard! Wouldn't that be a sight? Sometimes I want to tell every sordid detail. I want to share the laughs and the tears but all of that is packed away in a different chapter, in a different book, in a different series that's stored in a different lifetime. I've talked to other women who have gone through divorce and I believe there's a general feeling of unfinished business. I like things a certain way and in a certain place. I'm that way with my relationships. I don't do messy. When you plan a life with someone and even have children with them, you are forever tied to them. Those dreams can no longer be fulfilled but the one that you shared those dreams and children with is still around. It feels wrong. It is wrong. When you parent your child, you feel alone even if you have an ex that coparents. You still feel like you are fighting a battle with a spoon and no protection.

  In the midst of this epiphany, I realized for the first time, that I despise the fact that I care. I'm afraid of caring too deeply for the girls, for his family, for the new relationships we are forming. I'm afraid if I care, something will happen and it will all be gone. I'm afraid that I care for others and they don't return that feeling. I'm afraid to get close to anyone that was friends with Robby's ex. I'm afraid that everything I do and say is being weighed. It's debilitating at times. When I hear myself talk around those people, I sound like a stranger to my own ears. I go home and go through every conversation and wonder if they interpreted what I was saying the way it was intended. Did I sound like I was whining or negative? Was I laughing too much? Was I too strict on the girls? Do I teach them enough? What do they see what they watch us? Do they like what their home is becoming since their dad and I have been married?

  It's hard to miss them. It's hard to feel like if you don't entertain them, they won't want to come. If you have rules, they will hate you. I miss my own kids on the weekends but missing the girls is harder. I'm not their mom. I really do realize that. It's different with kids that aren't your own. Your kids love you because you are their mom. Other kids, they aren't required to love you or even like you. I'm scared every day that I turned everyone's world upside down and they miss what used to be. I despise that they have made me care. Used to, I could hang around other people's kids and be the entertainer, go home and not have to worry about what they go through during the week, what they do and don't know and what they are hearing about me every day. There's no attachment. It's a different ballgame now.

  If I could hold myself aloof from all of them, I would have less worries.  If I didn't care... I would miss so much. I would miss the lessons and the play acting. I would miss the mess and the constant fact that my house looks like miniature tornados came through (well, I don't think I would miss the mess), the little arms wrapped around my neck before bed and wet kisses, the letters I write every week, the times they burst through the door. I would miss the children's growth, tears, laughter, concerns, school work, hearing them pray and leading them to the Lord. I would miss so much. If I hold myself at arms length and constantly worry about what everyone is thinking, I will run through myself pleasing people that in the end, won't matter. I'll lose my mind wandering if I'm doing everything right. There's only One person I want to please and only one true guideline I need to follow. If I don't let down my guard and make new friends, whether I get burnt or not, I'll never grow. If every man is your teacher, I have an opportunity to learn.

 Sometimes, I do despise that I care. It seems to get me into more trouble. Mostly, I'm thankful where my life is now. If you compare my life to 12 years ago, I'm so thankful who I am and where I am now. I'm a richer person for it. Yes, it can be scary, frustrating and exhausting but it can also be exciting, amazing and rejuvenating. If you have experienced this, don't hold yourself at arms length. Don't spend any time worrying about what anyone else thinks. If we are pleasing the Lord, that's all that matters! He will send the right friends and He will give us what we need for what we are going through! Let's be real, if you've ever met me, you've never forgotten it!

SPEAK FOR ME

  When I was younger, I was introduced to Doris Day movies. She became my favorite movie star and still is. She played on a movie called "I'll see you in my dreams" and was trying to explain to the man in the movie that you write songs for the ones that do not know how to say "I love you". The reason that I write is for the people that do not know how to translate their emotions on paper. In addition to that, I want everything I write to be a help to anyone that reads it. Whether it makes you laugh, cry or it sticks with you, I want every post on this blog to touch someone. I don't care to have millions of followers but I do hope to touch 1, every time.
  I've had some people comment to me recently that they read and loved my blogs. I think that is so awesome! I feel the need to apologize for my sporadic posts. As you know, I got remarried in June and now have 3 stepchildren. If I thought my life was crazy before, it is insane now! Sometimes it is very hard for me to write a post because I feel that my audience has changed some but I still want to be able to touch all the people I had reached before. Not only that, but my mind and heart has been assaulted with so many new emotions that is has become quite difficult to decipher them in order to write something that would be helpful, make sense and not too informative. Hopefully, I was very discrete about some things through my divorce. Now, I have an ex, his family, husband, his ex, his family, his kids and so much more to make sure I am not too descriptive about. I went from carrying the burdens of divorce to carrying the burdens of divorce, a blended family, being remarried and many more. I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have but with it comes so much more no one can really prepare you for unless they knew the future. My mind has been so clouded with the burdens and people around me that it has been hard to find the clarity to write.
  I know there are others that are dealing with loss, a spouse, children or just life in general and just wish they could put their feelings on paper. I think my problem isn't not having anything to say but rather saying too much. I know what it feels like to not know if my groceries will last. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a crowded room. I know what it feels like to be on the brink of hopelessness, insignificant and a waste of space. Sometimes I felt like if someone could just speak to my heart, I could catch a glimmer of hope again. If I could just get a hug, human contact, from someone that loved me, I could breathe again. If I could just go back and undo some mistakes, maybe I could repair my current situation. If I... Could last all day, a lifetime even.
  When I was in my early twenties, married, and we were going through a rough patch, I would slip into the "if only" and fantasize about what would have been if I would have made a more informed decision when it counted. That fantasy life was a dangerous place to go to. Now, I have a firm grasp of reality and sometimes reality can weigh you down. I find myself longing for a simple life where there is no such things as traffic jams, divided homes and what you eat is what you have grown. It isn't a possibility right now but I pretend that eventually it will be. I even set goals for myself. It may be a small goal of putting on makeup and doing all the laundry, including folding and putting it away, in an entire day. It may be a large goal of finishing my book I've been writing. If I can check one thing off on a bad day and several things off on a good day, I've made progress.
  The "if only", fantasy world (even found in books and tv) is not a healthy place to live. There are many things about my current status that I cannot change, like how the "other parent" thinks, feels or rears the children. What I can do is do what's right and do it consistently. That is itself and a daunting tasking. I can pray for the children when they are home and while they are away. I can pray for my hubs and show him what he needs to see of God in me. I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like "enough". I want everyone around me to be ok and when I can't fix it, I feel myself spiraling into a pit. I've had to learn that it is ok to "let go" of it and give it to God. If I'm tugging on the problem, He may not have the room to work that He needs. When I feel that pit looming, I have to take myself out of the situation and try to step back and find some good in the fact it cannot be fixed when I want it to be. Sometimes, that is SO HARD!
  I've read James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Variableness means that there no chance of him changing. I love that about God. Life changes every second and sometimes my emotions follow suit. I love that no matter what is going on God is the same. He loves me as much right now as He did before I messed up, lost faith, felt overwhelmed, etc.
  The "situation" I'm in is my gift? Seriously? Think about that verse from that angle, it helped me to. The situation, tough time and even good times were a gift from God. Breathing is a gift, everything else a bonus. Heard that one? I'm thinking.... No more bonuses! Even in a tough time God is showing you what you're made of, even if we really didn't care to know right now.
  I apologize to those of you who have told me that my posts have been too few and to those who only like to read only the funny stuff I write about the kids, I'm working on a good one for you too! Just know that no matter what is weighing you down (or bringing you up), you aren't alone. Sometimes our wings get wet and makes it harder to fly. They will dry and we will be soaring once again!

MY CHILDREN ARE SPIES

  I have discovered, my children are spies. They are clever spies and are very covert. They are at the top of their game at such early ages. As I vacuumed the floor, I happened across several of their trade secrets. They had unfolded a Bobby pin and stuck it through the carpet by the bathroom door to serve as a hidden "key" just in case they were locked out. I also discovered that where their curtains puddled on the floor, was an excellent place to hide little things that they didn't want their co-conspirators to find. There was little hair things and itty bitty toys they never thought anyone would find as I lifted the curtains to vacuum underneath. They had taken great care to hide all kinds of valuable Intel. There were books hidden in between mattresses, under the bed and carefully shoved in between the mattress and the headboard. Instead of bread crumbs to lead the way, my modern day Hansel and Gretels put a path of the tiny colorful hair ties, that they can also use for crafts, as clues to where they had been. These amazing spies that I am apparently raising had also written messages on the walls of the bathroom when the steam had caused the walls to be wet. The palm scanner was so covertly hidden on the opposite wall, that all I could see were the handprints. It is uncanny how smart they are. As I was on my hands and knees, wiping the bathroom floor, I noticed globs of toothpaste strategically placed so they could leave messages stuck to them whenever the need would arise. 

   I moved onto the couches and thought of how suspicious the weight of the couches would have been if we were going to move them since they were heavy with all kinds of goodies. There were toys, hairbrushes, pencils, finger nail clippers and all sorts of hidden treasures. What is so ironic about that particular stash is they can never produce any of these things when they need them. Apparently they are such good secret keepers, even they forgot where they were hidden. 

  They have not mastered going through my room without leaving a trace. As they cross over into my room, everything has to be searched for "bugs". They must touch everything in the room to ensure it is safe to talk. However, they do not return each item where they found it or sometimes in the same condition that they found it in. So far, we've been "bug" free but you never know when that could change. They leave their "calling cards" in the shape of colorful, mismatched socks, throughout the house just to let everyone know they were there. How kind and thoughtful they are. 

  My sweet little spies are stealthy little things that need lots of practice until they go to the "big time". I'm happy to oblige my .007 agents in training. I try to make it as challenging as I can when I wipe off their messages and stashes of goodies, just to keep them on their toes!

I'VE GOT A QUESTION

  I have been married for almost 6 months. We have been a blended family for almost 6 months. We have learned A LOT about each other. It is such a struggle for me to get my thoughts together and post a blog. I carry more on me in some ways than I thought I would. Having 3 additional children. It isn't a bad thing at all. It has taught me a lot about myself. I have seen myself through someone else's eyes. I have had emotions towards them that I would have never thought I would. I have struggled with jealousy, love, injustice, opinions, beliefs and fear. It has been a wonderful and tumultuous ride.

  I'm a tad bit opinionated. However, I try to base my opinions on what the Bible says. When my opinions are asked for, I give it without a problem. Now I am in the position of a stepmother and my filter must be put on high. As an ex wife, it must remain on high as well. I asked one of our 5 children what they were scared of with each parent in their life. They were very honest, even about me. Have you ever saw yourself through your kids eyes? It can be enlightening. She told me that what scares her about me is when they do something they shouldn't and how it makes them feel bad that they did wrong. Another parent, they were scared of because they screamed and threatened them when they were bad. As they went through all the parents, their school and friends, it really painted a picture for me of how they viewed things.

  This same child had an attitude with me a couple weeks ago with her voice, neck and body. I saw red! I had to walk away. However, when she said she feels guilt for doing wrong, I felt like that was a success. When the children do wrong, I walk them through the whole ordeal...

  What did you do? Why is that wrong? How should you have acted or reacted? You chose wrong, do you understand that? When you do wrong, what is that? Sin. Sin has to be what? Punished. Your parents are practice for learning to listen to God one day. When we ask you to do something that you don't understand or don't want to do and you do it with a good attitude anyway, you will eventually respond to God in the same way. Do we punish you because we want to see you sad? No. We punish you because that is what God says to do. It teaches you to think about the consequences the next time you come to that crossroads.
 
  Tonight, I was tucking the girls in and he let me pray with them this time. I started a silly tradition with Kayden, 9 years old, when Robby and I were dating and we would tuck them in. I would peek in her room just enough for her to see the outline of my face. She starts to giggle and I take off running and jump in her bed. I was leaning over her and kissed her little soft cheek and she said, "I've got a question." To which I responded, "I have an answer. You can ask me anything." She smiled really big and said, "Do you have to go to church to be saved?" All the bells and whistles in my head went off. I started praying in my head that this would be the opportunity I was looking for to share the gospel with her. I had thought about it this week a few times, wondering if I should open that door or let her.
I started from the beginning with Adam and Eve and told her where sin came from and how it was passed to us all. I explained what sin is and how Jesus died on the cross for us. I drew the picture of Jesus dying on the cross and He looked through time and saw me. He knew I would meet her. He knew I would marry her daddy. He knew my heart and my need for Him. As he hung there on the cross, he knew of our existence and He died for us. I explained our need for Him, the purpose behind church and reading our Bible. Then, I asked her if she would like to ask Jesus into her heart. She said YES. I called her dad into the room and told him what had taken place. I asked her, "If you disobeyed your mom, would you no longer be her kid?" She shook her head no. "The same way is with God. If you disobey and sin, you are still His child. You still must ask for forgiveness, just like you do when you wrong someone else, but you will always be His child once you ask Him into your heart." I saw the light come on in her mind and that it had hit its mark. I prayed for her and thanked God for softening her heart towards Him. I begged Him to help us show that God is real every day. When I paused, she prayed something like this... Lord, forgive me of my sins. Please come into my heart. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Help us tomorrow as we go to church to learn more about you. Please help all of my family to get saved too. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
  It took everything in me to not start blubbering. We told her we would get her a Bible to take to her moms house and I would underline really good verses that would help her everyday. We assured her that if she had any questions to come ask us and we would explain anything to her. If we didn't know, we would find out and learn together. I walked out so her dad could talk to her alone and express how proud he was of her alone. As I stepped out of the room I heard noises in the little girls room. I peeked inside and they said, "Would you read that Bible to us too?" If I could have melted, I would have been a puddle. It was then I hid in the bathroom and cried. Robby came in there and we held each other rejoicing over that sweet little girl answering the call and seeing her need for a Savior.
 
  Honestly, I have been discouraged. There has been a lot going on lately and you get to wondering if anything is taking? I try to have lessons with the kids every time they come. They will beg sometimes.  You wonder, are you understanding? Am I being clear? Am I saying the right things? Are their spirits growing? Guess what? They are!! Tonight was total proof. The lessons that we have had, the prayers prayed, the rules and guidelines implemented have all been working together. Isn't it amazing how God works? I have a question for you. Is God real to you? Is He real to your kids? How are you showing them that you aren't just going through the motions? Don't be discouraged! They are listening even when you think they aren't! This has lit a fire under me. This has encouraged me to make sure my steps are ordered by the Lord in every area of my life so I can lead by example. What an awesome responsibility we have as parents and as Christians.