THE RIDE....well, sort of

Growing up, I was fearless. I had initial fears in meeting new people but realized they were probably as afraid as I was so I would just be the first one to take the leap. I did the plunge on the biggest "swing" there was in the U.S. I had written permission from dad, but mom knew about it after the fact via video. Lately, I have been afraid of a lot of things. There's a lot of things I want to do, try, experience but let the fear of the unknown keep me from it.
July 4, I had the opportunity to ride four wheelers and horses. I got on an awesome four wheeler and opened it up full speed and wasn't scared a bit. It felt wonderful knowing I was in control and doing something I loved and I helped made it happen. It was freeing. Then, they got out a horse and were going to take turns riding it. I hadn't ridden horses in a year. I love horses. They are big, unpredictable and majestic. I was a bit hesitant. If it can happen to someone, it will happen to me. As soon as I stepped towards the horse, she side stepped. I got up on her like a pro. I was so proud. I could feel her body very tense. I sat on her for a few minutes, talking to her and trying to get situated. As soon as I nudged her to go she started off and my brains felt like they were rattling from the beginning. She jostled me so much, I thought my organs were shaking loose. She was not in the mood for anyone to be on her. She started acting a little worried and I almost jumped off but we were too close to the fence and I was afraid she would kick me in the head. I had to nudge her on a couple times and she didn't seem to keen on me on her back. As I was attempting to ride this gigantic horse, she was shaking my pony tail loose. It was messily going up and down on my head in a ridiculous way. I know I looked like a hilarious clip from a movie. I got tickled and laughed at the picture I must have made. We were more than half way around the circle and the horse stopped again. I wanted to get off but I didn't want to quit. I didn't want to move or holler, just in case it spooked her. She was right beside the fence and I was talking to her softly. I nudged her flank just a little and she shook her head. Right when I thought she would start walking again, she reared up. We went straight up in the air. At that moment a myriad of things went through my mind. For one, it looked exactly like it did on the movies looking through her ears as she went up in the air. I didn't want to die yet. I wanted to raised my kids. I wanted to recover from this with minimal damage. When she went up, is when I realized the saddle wasn't as tight as it should have been. It shifted when my weight did and she started to go straight backwards. I knew that if I didn't let go, I would be on the bottom and she would crush me. When I let go, my arm landed on the fence and then I hit the ground. I couldn't get away fast enough and part of the saddle and her flank landed on my knee. She then fell through the wooden fence. If the fence wouldn't have been rotten, she would have still fell back on me. I laid flat back so she wouldn't kick me and then tried to move. I looked at my knee right after it happened and to the left of my knee cap was completely flat. I felt something what I thought was wet on my head and my ear. I reached up and felt it and found it was just my earring. I immediately thought, "Oh good. I'm glad I didn't lose my ear or that earring."
Up to that point in my life, I had never experienced that kind of pain, ever. It was debilitating. I felt like I would be sick. I couldn't cry. I wouldn't cry. I was so embarrassed this happened to me and in front of an audience, no less. What are the odds? They are forever in my favor. It felt like it took forever for anyone to walk over to me. No one was running. I felt like they should have been running. I needed help FAST. Do you think I hollered at anyone to come? No. I was too busy writhing in pain. I was holding on to the grass with my hands and digging my uninjured leg into the ground. All I could do is moan through gritted teeth. It was insane how much it hurt. There were three men there by that time, hands on hips, staring at me discussing the next plan of action. One of them, I knew better. I asked him to come down there with me instead of staring at me. He allowed me to squeeze his hand until my mind had time to adjust to the pain and I could think of what I wanted to do next.
Finally, I was put on the four wheeler, over my protests of how heavy I felt like I was. Every bump and jostle made me just about crazy. Finally, I was able to talk and started cracking jokes to help me cope with what I was going through. I didn't want to do to the hospital because I didn't have insurance or the funds to cover...anything. It was embarrassing to be the center of attention and not be able to do anything for myself, all the sudden. My friends took care of my like I was family. I hobbled on the one crutch we could find until Sunday night when I went to the ER. I went to work all week with a knee stabilizer on and a set of crutches. I went to the Doctor today and it is looking like a torn ACL and MCL and possibly bone damage inside my knee. I will not know for sure until Monday.
I have discovered that I do not know how to take help. I do not know how to respond to it, ask for it and much less insist on it. I am always the one that is serving someone. I am the one that is fixing meals, doing laundry, being independent. I don't know how to depend on anyone. I don't ask for help anymore because I can no longer handle the rejection of no one showing up.
I faced my fears and did what I wanted to do and now I am paying the price. Now, I wish I would have listened to my intuition. Ultimately, I am glad I finally took the risk and did what I wanted to do without worrying about every little thing. I am hurting and having to depend on my kids for a lot of things. Everywhere I go, people ask me, "Who's with you?" "Is no one here to drive you?"  "Are you alone?" I felt like screaming at one point, " YES! I AM ALONE! NO. NO ONE IS WITH ME. NO, I AM NOT REALLY OK WITH IT BUT THIS IS MY LIFE!!!" It makes me feel a little more sensitive about being "single". Makes me feel more alone than "single".  I realize God will take care of me but I am also human. I bleed when cut and I cry when hurt, sometimes. My life isn't the way I thought it would be, but it is my life. It is going to be a life worth writing about.

2014 is supposed to be my year and what a ride it has been so far!! 

YOU LEFT YOUR MARK

  In this post, I am going to for-warn you that I am going to be honest, blatant and expose my heart, again. To those of you that posts ugly posts and send me messages when you don't like what you read, I wouldn't read this one.

   You left your mark on me when you went away. You left your mark on me when you chose someone else over me. You left your mark on me when I continually felt alone when you were there. You left your mark when I still have dreams about the rejection I have felt and the words that were said. You left your mark when you said, "No one will ever be good enough for you." You left your mark when I could never do enough to make you proud. You left your mark when I need you and am too afraid to say because I cannot handle the rejection. You left your mark when someone gives me help and I have no idea how to handle it. You left your mark on me because sometimes I am afraid. You left your mark on me when I still dream of what it was like inside your hug.

You left your mark on me. 

  Don't think for one second it is one person of which I am referring. I believe we have all had people to "leave a mark on us". Sometimes, I am weirdly afraid I will bump into certain people when I go to certain places and they were so mean and cruel to me in a public way, I am afraid I would crumble in front of them. My silence was mistaken for weakness, when in fact it took me more strength to bite my tongue than it did to say the truth that I was thinking. It would kill me to think that leaving "my mark" on someone was a bad thing. I want "my mark" to be of kindness and laughter and encouragement. 

   It is my belief that ones that have the "ugliest marks" left on them are the ones that leave the prettiest on others. We know how it feels to be rejected and utterly alone. We know how it feels to want for that parent to be proud of us and wear our heart on our sleeve around them, just to feel the rejection and loss every time we walk away. We know how it feels to be there for everyone else but no one is there for us when we need it. We (I) am not the type of person to say I need help. I long for the person and friend that knows when I need it and comes over my protests. 

  I have discovered I have a fear of rejection. Not a fear of rejection of men, necessarily, but a fear of rejection from my friends and family. I am that girl that a guy asks out and by the end of the conversation he now knows he isn't healed yet from a past relationship or he is getting back with his person. I am that girl! I have to try to help everyone. It's a blessing and a curse. In my case, I help people, hold their hand, build their confidence and watch them go. One day, just maybe one day, I want to look back at the hand I thought I let go of and see that they never let go. That guy that asks me out will be ready to date and see me for me. The one time I build up my courage to ask for help, I don't live to regret it or be "owned" for the next 50 years of my life. I want a knock to sound at my door and be someone that I would have never imagined, just because. 

  I want my mark to be something beautiful. I want that mark to be one that changes someone's perspective. I want that mark to be a pivotal time in someone's life that they can trace back to me. I don't mean that in a self-centered way, I mean that in a way that I want that to be my gift from God. I am up most of the time. I don't like to let people know how really low I feel until after I see the silver lining, until after I have processed it and can turn it around to something good. I was just gotten on to, quite strongly, because I don't ask for help or let people know when I actually need something. What I didn't get across properly was if there is a history of someone not showing up or I think it will inconvenience anyone, I will not ask. Example. The last time I asked for help moving, when that person got mad at me, they said I used them. First of all, they volunteered. I just actually said yes, this time. If this sounds familiar to you, if you are as I have described, if you have a friend that is as I have described and you know of a remedy, I am opening myself up to hear it. 

  I have had people in my life that have helped me through an unbearable time. God sent them when I least expected it. It is those in between times that I have a hard time with. It is those times when I could use a no strings attached hug. I miss having someone I can be human with and cry and protest without being berated or quoted scripture to for feeling the way I do. I have the head and the heart knowledge. Doesn't change the fact I am human. I am imperfect and have needs just like you do. 

   What kind of mark are we leaving? Are we the person others call because they know we will come or are we the ones that are thought of years down the road when the realization of certain issues comes up because of a thoughtless or angry comment that we made? I pray that I am a memorable person. I know I am a bit crazy and I laugh instead of crying most times but it is my prayer I am that person that leaves an impression. Hopefully, a good impression, a good mark on everyone that I meet. You don't have to be "up" all the time or even perfect to make an impact. Sometimes those "ugly marks" that were left on us help us identify the ones like us and we can help each other along the way.  Every time I write in this blog, I pray that this blog is doing just that. 

GOD'S GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR....YOU.

   How many times have we quoted that "My grace is sufficient for you."? How many times have you told someone else that? We all believe it when we tell people that God's grace is sufficient for them. Here is where I stopped in my tracks. I believe it 100%, with everything that is in me that God has and gives us His amazing grace everyday. I do. What I found that I believe or didn't realize I believed, that His grace is sufficient for everyone else, but me. That sounds horrible. I know it does. I have told people of God's grace and God's love so many times, but what is so hard for me to grasp is that he has grace and love for ME. Not just my friends, church family, preacher, etc. He has it all and wants to give it all to ME.
   I have talked to many of you and tried to help you in any way I can. I have seen marriages put back together, women who were falling apart become so strong and determined, men who were at their wits end with their situations find hope. I am not crediting all of that to me but I would hope I had a part in their encouragement. I have a good grasp on spiritual things. I have a relationship with God. I know Bible verses and have had some personal experience with the Lord showing Himself to me. I "get" it, I really do.
   Here I am, telling everyone these things and I am not even listening to my own words. I do not apply them to me. God will show up when you least expect Him. God will never let you starve. God will speak to you, you just need to make sure your are listening. I have said it. I have experienced it. It just seems like, after so much that you quit believing it for yourself.
   I have never doubting the existence of God. The thought of Him being here since before time began, and knows everything seems completely illogical. On the flip side, it makes perfect sense. Once I asked Jesus into my hear to save me, I never doubted my salvation. It's just ironic to me that I believe He is God enough to "keep" my salvation but not God enough to take care of me. Think about it. How many times do we pray and "give" our problems to the Lord, just to turn around and be worrying ourselves over it a few minutes later? How many times do we try to make our own way because He hasn't "shown up" yet?
   I love my son just as much as I love my daughter. There are things about them that I love, that the other one doesn't posses. I love them equally. Sometimes, I feel closer to one than the other and then it changes again. I believe that we are made in Christ image and He feels the same way about us. If God can do ___ for ____, he can do it for me. Where I think we mess up is comparing our lives to someone else. We are different people. Just like I love certain things about one child that other doesn't posses. There are things that God knows we need because we have or don't have something in us or in our lives. We cannot expect to have everything the same as the next person. Just like buying presents for your kids. You may have a $100 budget. One may get a large present and a couple small things. The other may have a lot of smaller gifts. You spent the $100 on both, but with their perception, they may think the other one got more or a better gift, etc. It is the same with us, I believe. God loves us equally but gives us what we need at different levels, times and "costs" as He would one of His other children.
   The love is the same. The grace is the same. He is the same. It is us that are different. We perceive time and what He give to us in a different way than God does. How do we expect to think that same that He does, when we don't even have the whole picture?
  God's grace is sufficient for me. His love is the "same" for each one of His children. It doesn't matter what we go through, what we lack, what we don't have or need, He loves us. Period. There is nothing you can do to earn His love and approval. He gives it freely. There is nothing I can do. I am just as capable of receiving something from the Lord as anyone else. Just because I do not feel worthy doesn't make God any less likely to lavish me with His favour.
   I thank the Lord that He loves unconditionally. Even if I do not feel Him near, or hear His voice, I know He is there. My own worries drown out His voice. My own pain fills my ears that I cannot even hear Him speaking to my heart. He is there. I know that He is there.

  "I've been through enough to know He will be enough for me."

THE JOURNEY (part 2)

 THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING

  When our journey began, everything was exciting. We were unsure of where our path split off so we were very intent and careful, reading the map, looking for the blazes and teaching everyone what to look for on the way. The kids were prattling on about each little bug, flower and rock they saw. They felt like they were prepared for this trip. For a few weeks before, I had been walking 2-4 miles several times a week to try to prepare for the excursion. I felt like I was as prepared as I was going to be. Honestly, I was a little wary of the kids coming. Five miles is a long way for a kid. I was tired at the end of it, I couldn't imagine how a child with even shorter legs than mine would feel. I knew I would be in "mommy mode". I wouldn't be okay with listening to complaining or anything like that. This was my much needed getaway. I wanted it to go off without a hitch and them make it pleasant. They had been warned that this was my birthday trip and I invited them to come. Because of it being my weekend, there would be no fighting, whining or anything related to negativity. Period. 

   Obviously, I can be a talker. I didn't speak as much as I usually do. I was taking it all in: the company, the other conversations, the feeling of hiking up the ridge, the noises and smells. I was so excited about the trip when I first found out about it. There had been a lot going on in between then and the present that sent me into a funk. I didn't want to go. There had been forecasts of thunderstorms and who wants to get caught out in the middle of a thunderstorm with two kids in tow, in the middle of nowhere? 

   I wish I could adequately describe where my head was at the beginning of the trip. I had another big disappointment before our journey began and then a let down on top of it. It just hurt. I hurt. I wanted to be left alone to sulk and feel broken, abandoned, unloved, undesired and miserable. But, here I was at the beginning of a 5 mile adventure, listening to children prattle on and acting like they would be able to maintain a ridiculous pace the entire trip. We had went about 100 yards and I heard, "I'm hungry. Can I have a snack?" Yep. This is going to be interesting. 

   I was able to watch my mom and her husband on this trip. In a way, it hurt to see how happy they were. I was selfish in wishing I had that happiness. In another way, I continued to flash back to a time where I described the man mom would meet. She can tell you, I nailed it. He isn't perfect, but he is for her. He isn't my dad, but I seek his advice a lot. My kids and I hang on his every word. He is a balanced man and Christian. God has richly blessed our family when he brought my mom's husband into it. It brought me back to me, of course. We talked of the various people I have dated. Each having good qualities but none being exactly what I needed. I feel that it is possible to find someone that is my "match" I just haven't found him yet. Since cloning mom's husband isn't an option...I will have to continue on. 

   You know that I compare my life to a lot of the things that I see. Here we were on this trail, beginning a journey, armed with snacks, water, good shoes, light clothes and any necessities we would need that night. The kids felt like this would be like a walk in the trails by the park. Little did they know, there would be almost every kind of woodsy terrain you could think of. There were stone steps, bridges to cross, gravels, leaves, mud, wood walkways, roots and rocks. It was beautiful but there were some scraped legs, twisted ankles and stubbed toes before it was over. There were twists and turns, inclines and downgrades. It was a great trail and we had a really neat place to stay that night. It was peaceful and serene. 

   My heart still felt opened and kind of raw. My emotions were everywhere. That funk just had a tight grip on me. That night, I had a hard time sleeping. I hadn't really enjoyed the surroundings as much as I thought I would. I just had a longing in my heart that would not go away. The next day, my son was about to come out of his skin in anticipation of going back down. My daughter discovered she didn't like to hike. Her legs were in agreement with her. The trek down was very different. Mom had twisted her knee the day before and was not only stiff but in a lot of pain. She became a cross country skier and we were the commentators as she crossed "hurdles" and mile markers with the "tenacity" rarely seen". We made up stories and told funny stories on our way back. I still felt in a fog, but watching the kids respond to the interaction was intriguing. They voted me the best story teller. My ego needed that. My concern for mom overcame my concern for myself. I talked to her and tried to keep her distracted as well. It took us a little longer with a 5 mile hike the day before still lingering and an injury. 

   By the end of the trail, we were all feeling like we had been on the wagon train for months. It was great overall, but tired, didn't begin to cover it. I knew that as soon as we reached the cars again and grabbed a much needed bite to eat, I would be meeting the step-mom and my kids would be gone for another week. In a way, I was ready for solitary confinement, but in another way, somehow over the past 2 days, it felt like we were closer. The closer I got to the meeting place, the more the tears pooled in my eyes. I was almost to the sobbing point when we pulled into the parking lot. 

   After the dreaded drop off had taken place I had realized that I was in the town my dad used to pastor my senior year in high school. I decided I would take a walk down memory lane........

THE LITTLE VICTORIES (part 1)

  This past weekend I went on a hike. We hiked 5 miles to a lodge, stayed the night and hiked 5 miles back. To avid hikers, it would have been a breeze and record times could have been set. To a group of 5 with 2 kids, it took us a little while. Little legs were tired and tummies were growling, wanting real food, not just snacks.
   I had been in a funk the entire week before. I was verging on ill/frustrated the entire week. Normally, it takes me a day to snap out of it. Lately, I have been so tired that it has taken me a little longer to come back to a good mind set. As we started our journey, everyone was excited and talking nonstop. The kids were getting ahead of us and we were trudging along at a steady pace. As the path got narrower and steeper, the group was quit. The longer we went, the less likely running ahead was happening. The more tired everyone was, the more we had to  think outside ourselves to come up with things to talk about to keep the kids distracted from their tired legs and aching feet.
   My mom had read a book called "South bound-The barefoot sisters" It was a book telling of 2 sisters that hiked the Appalachian trail barefoot. So, being the daredevils we are, we decided to see if we could hike barefoot as well. We started at the 2 mile marker. Mom didn't go the entire 3 miles but she did go quit far. I went 3 miles there and then the next day went the entire 5 miles back, barefoot.
   For me, the hike was healing. I was outside, in the woods, two of my favorite things. Everywhere I looked there was luscious green leaves, beautiful trees, some flowering plants, and birds singing just out of view. There were frigid creeks that gurgled happily as we past by or took a moment to soak sore feet. The trail was peaceful. We passed hikers periodically that were would pass us going to or from and just smiling as they trudge on. The entire time we were on the hike, we didn't pass one person that was ill or mean. Everyone wore a smile and each person looked as if they were walking away from their stress and burdens they carry daily. As they lifted their hiking gear onto their backs, they cares of their life were put aside. That ten pound pack didn't feel near as heavy as what we carry every day.
   I am hooked. I love to hike. I am already planning another hike and my calves are still a little sore from my journey. When you hike barefoot, you use different muscles. It was a small accomplishment and to some, quite a silly one. I felt victorious. I had walked through a horrible patch of holly leaves, rocks, stones, leaves and wonderful cold and gooey mud. I had walked over roots that would hit the arch of your foot and make you see stars. I had walked on no matter what was in front of me. I kept an awesome pace and didn't lag behind. I did it. It was only 5 miles compared to the Appalachian trail but it was my victory.
   Lately, I have needed a victory, even if it is a small one. I needed to feel like I could accomplish something. Something, no matter how small was in my control. Honestly, my feet were not sore. For maybe an hour, I could feel the little gravels, that were at the beginning/ending of the trail, still piercing my feet. After that, I was not sore at all. Now my calves have taken a couple days to not be stiff and sore. A wise man told s on the trail, "Pain is weakness leaving your body."
   Our little family adventure showed me a lot about each one of us. It also showed me that on any journey, having good company is crucial. Whether it is a hike or in life, being with people that can get you through sore feet, a twisted knee, a funky week, is beyond important. As we each pulled our hiking packs on, we took off the load we carry everyday. We became hikers. We were no longer, tellers, students, etc, we were just everyday hikers walking towards a goal. It didn't matter what was going on outside of the woods or even off the trail. What mattered was their was tea, lemonade and cookies waiting for us at the end of our trail. It was the small victories as we saw each mile marker. It was the stories that were spun and the last mile of the hike being turned into an enchanted tale as we tried to keep a little 7 year old's mind busy. The small victories add up to a huge achievement. I needed to feel like I did something. I needed to see the tenacity of my kids. I needed to have the company I had on the trail. I needed a victory and a victory is what I had.

  There are many more stories to come from this little adventure of ours......

WHY PRETEND?

   Lately, I have been walking 3 or 4 miles almost every day if I don't work 13 hours. I have enjoyed it immensely. I listen to music on my phone and stop and take pictures when something catches my eye. It has been so soothing and healing to be able to do that. Sometimes, I start an hour before I need to go walk talking myself into it. I know I need to go and enjoy it so much but I want to sit down and melt into my chair. Often times, I don't want to be stopped or talked to. I'm in a mode and want to be in that place until my legs can't take it.
   I have seen such beauty on my walks. I have overcome my weird fear of cud-zoo.  I cannot stand the thoughts of that stuff overpowering yards, gardens and reaching up and grabbing my legs as I walk by. Oooh! It gives me the creeps. One day on my walk, I walked by an area covered in the stuff. The sun was setting between two huge trees that the cud-zoo had covered and was draping down them like curtains. You could see where bushes and trees were but they now had the covering of this plant. In the huge mass of the cud-zoo there was a path. The cud-zoo was still there just pressed down from the wheels and feet that had went over that place many times.
   It was such a beautiful sight. Almost breathtaking when looking at it through the window of my life. I feel like I am on that path. I am being overrun with work, kids, responsibilities that are usually shared, etc and I have to figure out how to muddle through. My path may not be clear and it may be covered with those responsibilities but it is winding its way through the curtain of my fears and everything that has been consuming me.
   This beautiful scenery grabbed me and held my mind captive. It was a moment in time I captured on my phone, but it made an impression.
   God has brought me through so much. If you talk to me or read my blog at all, you know that. I have just been so overwhelmed here lately. I am at my limit with my emotions, sleeplessness, loneliness, blame, hurt, tears. It has been all at once and way too much. My heart literally feels heavy. I go to bed most nights hoping it will be better by morning. I am so much stronger than I was, but have never felt weaker at this present moment. I feel like I am trying to run through water that is up to my chest. "It takes time." Yes, it does. Time and I just aren't on good terms right now.
   You know that when you have a bad day, you try not to show it or admit to the turmoil in your mind. You paste on a smile and keep trudging along pretending like your feet are coated with cement and it is taking all the effort you have to just lift them. You tell people what you know you are supposed to say but not the truth in your heart. No, people don't want to be drug down but we also don't want to feel alone.
   For the past couple years I have talked to a lot of people about a lot of things that I would have never thought I would have experience with. I have encouraged and rooted people on that I admired. Sometimes I cannot believe that I am the one giving the advice or encouragement. Those same people have picked up the pieces that represented their lives and/or marriages and made something beautiful from it. I have seen couples go from talking to a divorce attorney to being blissfully happy. I have seen scared lonely women, start talking marriage with "the one." I have watched some bloom where they were planted. I have seen some go for their dreams and accomplish them with gusto. On days like this, I wonder, why isn't it me doing those things? What purpose do I serve? Those who can't do, teach or advise. Does that describe me? It is troubling and scary to think that could be the truth. I would be honored if God continued to use me because of what I went through. I don't want that to be "all". Is that selfish? Am I Jonah saying I will do anything just to get my assignment and say, that's not what I thought you would say. I don't want to do that. Am I Moses getting impatient and striking out in anger instead of being patient and reaping my reward? Am I Eve desiring what I am not supposed have? Am I David shouting "Is there not a cause"? Am I Ruth loving, trusting and sacrificial? Am I broken but allowing God to make me beautiful? Who am I in this and who will I become?
   These days I have where all seems lost and without purpose will pass. It is up to me to figure out who I am now and who I will be when this part of my journey is over. I'm not going to lie. I would rather be writing a blog about life after divorce and talking about the one I met and am going to be with for the rest of my days. For now, you and I will be sharing our ups and downs and ins and outs of this path we are on. I hope there is something here you can relate to. I pray that we both see that there is more to it than what we are feeling. Feelings aren't facts. This has been the journey of a lifetime. I pray this particular part is just a portion. My mask is off. I am not pretending to feel some way I am not or be someone I am not. I do not believe I have been that way in a long time. Like me or not. Agree or not. This is my journey. This is my struggle. There is no reason to pretend.
 

LONELY BUT NOT ALONE

   Here lately I feel not just lonely, but totally alone. You know those days you call every friend in your contacts and everyone's too busy? Or you don't call because you don't want them to say they don't have time for you, even if you know it is for a very good reason. Very seldom in my life have I have admitted that I need someone to come keep me company or spend time with me. It seems when I do, no one is there. It hurts and makes me feel defective. I totally realize that my emotions being strung out over my kids, my jobs, my house, my bills, not being part of a team to help with the burdens, being away from family, etc is a big contributor to these emotions. I have the knowledge but the tears are at the ready. I HATE that. I hate being emotional. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling insignificant. That is how I feel. I am working to pay bills, not to live, have adventures or even have something of my own. It feels bad. It feels useless. I keep wondering when I will feel complete again.
   My emotions are raw. My eyes fill with tears at the most inopportune times. I want to hide but I can't. My heart feels like it's exposed and somehow I don't care right now. That part in me that lives to help people, fix problems and nurture my children is scrambling to fight off this wave of "blah-ness". I have come to term with the fact that these days and sometimes weeks will always be a part of my life. I have overcome a lot in my life, but sometimes I cannot keep this syndrome away. It's a bit of a "divorce hangover". You just don't have warning when it will come.
   Some days, I feel like I HAVE GOT THIS!! I am amazing! I am strong! I am MOMMA hear me ROAR! Then, some days, I feel like: Don't look at me that way Mr. I know what you are thinking and you don't want a piece of me. I will break you like a PENCIL! Then, some days I want to be hugged and held so bad my body aches. My skin pricks at the thought of strong arms encircling me and a steady voice assuring me that everything is gonna be ok.
   This is just how it is. I have to remind myself it doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. My friends are having babies, getting married, buying houses, getting promotions, new cars, etc and I am.... sitting here on a Saturday night is a deathly quiet house talking to...? My time is coming. I have to believe that or go crazy. Until then, I have to remind myself that I am never really alone. Sometimes it does feel like when I pray it hits the ceiling and goes no further. I remember reading about David sighing (in the Bible). It said that God heard his sighs. If God heard his sighs, why wouldn't He hear mine? Jesus knows how it feels to lose someone He loves. He experienced the ultimate rejection and died for it. I'm still breathing. It hurts to breathe sometimes, but I keep doing it. My feet refuse to move but they still work. My brain won't quit going on the track it is on, but eventually I will realize that lonely doesn't equal alone.
   I am not part of a physical team, but I am a part of a Heavenly one. I cannot feel God's arms around me but it doesn't mean He isn't there. My tears may flow freely sometimes but he catches them and feels my pain. My sorrow will be turned to joy. This evil that I have seen, God may mean it for good. One day, these worries will be nothing but words on a page and a distance memory. Until then, let's remember together that we are never really alone.