Ever wonder what you would do if you received what you know would make you happy(ier)? If you received everything you have ever wished for, how would you feel?
Recently, I feel like the desires and dreams I have had secretly and publicly have been unfolding right before my eyes. What do you do when you realize your dreams are no longer something you wish on a star or a stray eyelash, they are now a part of your life? If you realize one day in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life that it isn't just going to work, putting the kids to bed, cleaning house, preparing for the next day, getting ready to go to work or bed, dealing with mad, frustrated, concerned or upset members, or even loving on the new people that comes into your life. It has become more. I feel like I slowed down just long enough to know that the things and people in my life every day are part of the dreams I have held close for so long. There are still daily struggles that I have and cannot seem to ever find a remedy or a middle ground for but that is reality. There are people I meet every week that make an impact on me one way or another. There are people that have come into my life, I find myself checking to make sure that it is possible that they are real. The longing and brokenness I have lived with has started to melt away into a feeling I have yet to label.
It seems as if every week something new hits me, that hasn't changed but what has is the ones around me and what is within me. My heart has begun to soften and my desire for more in life has begun to burn strongly once again. All of this has started unfolding right before my eyes. The encouraging words I have offered to a friend have started coming true in my own life. The unspoken longing that I have felt for as long as I can remember now has a glimmer of hope to finding a home. It's amazing and terrifying all at the same time. My kids have a stability and a better future than I could have imagined. Time has past and it no longer feels like my enemy. The future that I kept telling myself is possible is now my present life. The future that I now see is even better than I could have hoped. Not everything is rainbows and butterflies but I am moving and growing towards that place, the place where I have written about, desired and dreamed about for a long, long time.
My path looms ahead at times but it quit being scary. The nights are still long but they aren't as lonely as they have been.The days are still exhausting but they have purpose and drive me to a better tomorrow.
If your desires and dreams start unfolding right before your eyes, what will you do with it? Are you more scared of what will happen if they do come true or if they don't? What we want and what we need may be two different things but what if you get both? Why not expect more? God said He will give us the desires of hearts, why do we expect any different? Be looking for your desires, dreams and passions to unfold right before your eyes.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
THE GUILT THAT I CARRY
It wasn't long after I became an adult, I discovered what guilt was. I carried it with me every day. When I cleaned the house, dealt with the kids and even went to church, I lugged around that guilt. It was so heavy. Every day, I was emotionally exhausted from carrying around that extra weight in my mind and my heart. I was physically tired.
Now, I am a divorced, single mom with a job, the kids, church and many more responsibilities that I have on me every day. I have struggled with guilt again. There are times, I cry because my kids need their dad and I want them to just need me, I don't get home until after 6, they aren't with me most Sundays, etc. I feel guilty for having to work and not be there to pick them up from school or cook supper for them. It's been just us three a lot in their lives and that guilt comes back to me often.
Every child needs their mom and dad, regardless of what that parent is like. I feel guilty for struggling with the fact they need a man in their life and no matter what I do, I can never fill that void. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get upset when there are verbal attacks launched at me or having things from my past life pop up in my current one.
We re not made to carry guilt. Our bodies or minds are not able to sustain that weight. Lamentations 3:22-23 "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." God only gives us what we can handle for that day. He doesn't give us more or less, it's just enough. I have this knowledge but it doesn't mean I don't fight with my emotions and guilt.
Some of where I am is because of the choices I have made. Some of those choices were not good ones and some were. It seems that in times like these, the not so good choices, are the ones that stick out. I cannot change the past, but I can determine that what ever comes my way in the future I will meet and exceed the challenge. No one can control what is to come but we can control how we react to it. There are days I feel completely overwhelmed. I want to craw under the covers, cry, eat pizza and cookie dough and not come out for a week. Then there are days that I get up with a smile on my face and I know no matter what, I am going to be okay.
When I was little, the Lion King was a popular movie. My favorite line is when the baboon hits Simba in the head and Simba says, "Ow! What did you do that for?" He then replies, "it doesn't matta, it's all in da past" That's so true. No matter what happened (that -ed makes it past tense) it isn't what is happening NOW. We process it, deal with it, forgive it and move on.
The guilt we carry is a very real thing. I do not want to make it sound like it's unimportant. Sometimes we tell ourselves it is our punishment for whatever happened. We don't deserve to be forgiven. You are right, we don't deserve forgiveness but that is why it is called forgiveness. Forgiveness is always given to the ones who deserve it the least. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luck 23:34 If God can forgive the ones he created for murdering Him, who are we not to forgive? He forgave us. He knows we will fail. He knows our humanity but gave Himself for us.
The guilt that I carry is heavy but not when I give it to God. There are so many things that I feel guilt over. Things that I cannot fix or emotions I have. I am not alone in my struggle because He is with me every step of the way. When I want to stomp my feet in protest, take off my earrings and heels and fight someone that is trying to hurt me, He is there telling me to settle down and helping me see the other side of things. When I feel guilty for even having those thoughts, I imagine Him chuckling at me and shaking His head because He knows me, my spunk and what I'm capable of and loves me anyway. The guilt that I carry is no longer on my shoulders, it is on His.
Now, I am a divorced, single mom with a job, the kids, church and many more responsibilities that I have on me every day. I have struggled with guilt again. There are times, I cry because my kids need their dad and I want them to just need me, I don't get home until after 6, they aren't with me most Sundays, etc. I feel guilty for having to work and not be there to pick them up from school or cook supper for them. It's been just us three a lot in their lives and that guilt comes back to me often.
Every child needs their mom and dad, regardless of what that parent is like. I feel guilty for struggling with the fact they need a man in their life and no matter what I do, I can never fill that void. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get upset when there are verbal attacks launched at me or having things from my past life pop up in my current one.
We re not made to carry guilt. Our bodies or minds are not able to sustain that weight. Lamentations 3:22-23 "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." God only gives us what we can handle for that day. He doesn't give us more or less, it's just enough. I have this knowledge but it doesn't mean I don't fight with my emotions and guilt.
Some of where I am is because of the choices I have made. Some of those choices were not good ones and some were. It seems that in times like these, the not so good choices, are the ones that stick out. I cannot change the past, but I can determine that what ever comes my way in the future I will meet and exceed the challenge. No one can control what is to come but we can control how we react to it. There are days I feel completely overwhelmed. I want to craw under the covers, cry, eat pizza and cookie dough and not come out for a week. Then there are days that I get up with a smile on my face and I know no matter what, I am going to be okay.
When I was little, the Lion King was a popular movie. My favorite line is when the baboon hits Simba in the head and Simba says, "Ow! What did you do that for?" He then replies, "it doesn't matta, it's all in da past" That's so true. No matter what happened (that -ed makes it past tense) it isn't what is happening NOW. We process it, deal with it, forgive it and move on.
The guilt we carry is a very real thing. I do not want to make it sound like it's unimportant. Sometimes we tell ourselves it is our punishment for whatever happened. We don't deserve to be forgiven. You are right, we don't deserve forgiveness but that is why it is called forgiveness. Forgiveness is always given to the ones who deserve it the least. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luck 23:34 If God can forgive the ones he created for murdering Him, who are we not to forgive? He forgave us. He knows we will fail. He knows our humanity but gave Himself for us.
The guilt that I carry is heavy but not when I give it to God. There are so many things that I feel guilt over. Things that I cannot fix or emotions I have. I am not alone in my struggle because He is with me every step of the way. When I want to stomp my feet in protest, take off my earrings and heels and fight someone that is trying to hurt me, He is there telling me to settle down and helping me see the other side of things. When I feel guilty for even having those thoughts, I imagine Him chuckling at me and shaking His head because He knows me, my spunk and what I'm capable of and loves me anyway. The guilt that I carry is no longer on my shoulders, it is on His.
Friday, October 3, 2014
REBUILDING MY CASTLE
Here I am again, looking at my life. I have traveled many miles in the past two years. I have moved a few times and worked in many different jobs to make ends meet. I have started over and over and over. Now, I am working at a job with amazing career potential that will provide my children and I with a secure future. I am attending a caring and loving church. I meet new people every week there and feel like I have found what I have been looking for within those walls. I have discovered many things about myself and other people. I have seen what strong children that I have. As I look forward, I see nothing. No picture is painted before my eyes of my future, just a space in which anything can be built. This space that represents my future has unlimited possibilities. In this space is where I will rebuild my castle. This castle can be made out of anything that I desire. Only the people that I want to enter will have access to it and to me. Everything about this castle will represent me in some capacity.
The foundation needs to be strong, dependable and never change no matter what the weather. The walls of this castle need to be strong so all my enemies will be deterred but also inviting for the ones I love and that need to be loved to know that they can come in. The gate needs to be easy to lower for the ones that seek refuge and quick to be raised when danger is lurking. The furnishings need to represent royalty but make anyone of any station feel at home. The rooms need to be filled with love. The sounds should stir your soul and create a warmth deep within. The smells should take you back to a good place in your life and make you feel comforted. The spirit should put your mind at rest and make you feel safe as soon as you cross the threshold.
How do I build this castle? Where do I begin? Every step has purpose. Every day holds a promise. The foundation will represent the Lord. His faithfulness, goodness and dependability is shown in every inch of the it. The walls represent every decision I have made. Every stone that is placed by me is a point in time that I decided to take the high road and do the right thing or let my humanity reign. If you look closely at those bricks you can see that decision play out as if it is a living picture. It takes time to build those walls and with every step, every day, a new stone is placed. The gate is what I allow in and out of the castle. Whether it is people, my own words or circumstances, it is up to me to allow it to come before my presence. Each time the gate is lowered I am risking the safety of the castle. The protection of the ones who reside within rests on my shoulders. The furnishings represent what I wear and how I carry myself. It represents my personality and class. The sounds of us lifting our voices in praise of each other and the Lord should be something that is commonplace. My spirit and love that I want others to learn and share should fill each and every area of the castle. When people come to my castle or in front of me, I want to leave feeling better than when they came. I want them to see a difference in me than anyone else. I want my castle and everything in it to represent a child of the King. I want the ones inside my castle to feel safe and loved. My castle may not be like the one I had before and that is my goal. I want it to be better than I could have even hoped for.
In those times when my enemies do try to enter into my castle I want to handle it with grace and poise and let them know they have been dealt with. It needs to be in such a way that it doesn't hurt or harm them but make them think twice before even pointing themselves in my direction. I want to be known as a loving and caring queen but one to be reckoned with.
Each day, I will look at my castle and see if there are any weak spots in its construction. Each day, I will remind myself of the responsibilities I have as a queen to the people and to myself. Each stone should be sturdy and represent a part of myself I am proud of. It is a big responsibility to build a castle but I have been equipped with the knowledge and fortitude to complete the task. The process is taking longer than I would like at times, but with the Lord as my foundation, there is nothing impossible that we cannot handle together. One day my castle will be completed and my story will be told to all of those who pass by my castle. My name will be carried on through generations. It is up to me what they see and the story that is told. You and I both know that story is gonna be nothing less than amazing!!
The foundation needs to be strong, dependable and never change no matter what the weather. The walls of this castle need to be strong so all my enemies will be deterred but also inviting for the ones I love and that need to be loved to know that they can come in. The gate needs to be easy to lower for the ones that seek refuge and quick to be raised when danger is lurking. The furnishings need to represent royalty but make anyone of any station feel at home. The rooms need to be filled with love. The sounds should stir your soul and create a warmth deep within. The smells should take you back to a good place in your life and make you feel comforted. The spirit should put your mind at rest and make you feel safe as soon as you cross the threshold.
How do I build this castle? Where do I begin? Every step has purpose. Every day holds a promise. The foundation will represent the Lord. His faithfulness, goodness and dependability is shown in every inch of the it. The walls represent every decision I have made. Every stone that is placed by me is a point in time that I decided to take the high road and do the right thing or let my humanity reign. If you look closely at those bricks you can see that decision play out as if it is a living picture. It takes time to build those walls and with every step, every day, a new stone is placed. The gate is what I allow in and out of the castle. Whether it is people, my own words or circumstances, it is up to me to allow it to come before my presence. Each time the gate is lowered I am risking the safety of the castle. The protection of the ones who reside within rests on my shoulders. The furnishings represent what I wear and how I carry myself. It represents my personality and class. The sounds of us lifting our voices in praise of each other and the Lord should be something that is commonplace. My spirit and love that I want others to learn and share should fill each and every area of the castle. When people come to my castle or in front of me, I want to leave feeling better than when they came. I want them to see a difference in me than anyone else. I want my castle and everything in it to represent a child of the King. I want the ones inside my castle to feel safe and loved. My castle may not be like the one I had before and that is my goal. I want it to be better than I could have even hoped for.
In those times when my enemies do try to enter into my castle I want to handle it with grace and poise and let them know they have been dealt with. It needs to be in such a way that it doesn't hurt or harm them but make them think twice before even pointing themselves in my direction. I want to be known as a loving and caring queen but one to be reckoned with.
Each day, I will look at my castle and see if there are any weak spots in its construction. Each day, I will remind myself of the responsibilities I have as a queen to the people and to myself. Each stone should be sturdy and represent a part of myself I am proud of. It is a big responsibility to build a castle but I have been equipped with the knowledge and fortitude to complete the task. The process is taking longer than I would like at times, but with the Lord as my foundation, there is nothing impossible that we cannot handle together. One day my castle will be completed and my story will be told to all of those who pass by my castle. My name will be carried on through generations. It is up to me what they see and the story that is told. You and I both know that story is gonna be nothing less than amazing!!
Thursday, September 18, 2014
I ASKED GOD WHY
We look at God as this supreme-being sitting up in Heaven on a marble throne with a sack full of lightning bolts with one at the ready just in case someone dares to do wrong.
Where do we get this idea that we are being punished for a mistake? Where do we get this idea that He will take a child from us because we did something wrong? What a shameful thing to teach and a horrible thing to believe. God is the God of love. The LAST resort would be for Him to punish us. Any place you look in the Bible about Jesus’ time on earth He fought for our cause with God. He used a prostitute, a whore, a prideful king, a thief, a murderer, a liar and the list goes on. There were consequences to their actions but it was a last resort to do something as a capital punishment. God created us. Don’t you think He is smart enough to know what He got Himself into? He knew what He was undertaking when He decided to make man. Nothing that happens in our lives is a surprise to God. If you want to know why, ask! Are you afraid of the answer? You never know, you may get one.
Some things I have seen, like losing a child at a very young age or babies undergoing heart surgery, etc. I don’t get it. I don’t have to understand, I just need to trust. Since I have gone through some unexplained craziness in my world, I have been a more compassionate and understanding person. Did I enjoy going through those things? Absolutely not! Am I glad I did now? YES!! I am so glad I have allowed the hard stuff in my life to change me into a softer person. I am a fighter, and may wear armor, but my heart is soft. I may shoot fire from my eyes, but if you look closely there is always a tear at the edges. I may come down with a “hard hand” but my arms are always open for a hug. My back may be stiff, braced for what is to come and my feet ready to run into the battle, but my shoulder is also open for someone to cry on them. Each time my heart has been broken it has mended even stronger than it was before. Each time I have cried tears of hurt, tears of joy weren't far behind.
I asked God why and He gave me my answer. I looked around me, at what used to be my life, and realized He gave me reinforcements long before I needed them. He gave me two strong little people who have been my constant and I have been theirs. When others came in and out of their lives as if it were nothing, we were always together. They have asked the questions I didn't think of and forgave with grace that has shamed me. They have been my backup dancers and singers as we flatfooted to bluegrass music in the kitchen.They have been my hide and seek partners. They have held my hand as we walked into the church alone. They have been my movie buddies and ice cream thieves. They have read my stories before anyone else and thought I was amazing because I could write. We have been study buddies and princesses on parade. We have been stealth fighters and hunting pros. We have read hours of stories and have created our own. We have decided that our future is what we make of it. We aren’t allowed to sit around and think of what was or what should have been. We think about what is. If we don’t like how things are then we change them. We decided that anything that comes into our lives will make us stronger. No one person will have the power to determine how our life turns out other than ourselves. We are overcomers, fighters, loving people that cannot wait for each and every day because we have reinforcements.
I do not believe it is a bad thing to ask God the "why" of things. He position, power or intent isn't threatened. He knows how we are and what we lack. He isn't surprised at any of it. Sometimes, saying "God is in control." isn't enough. Sometimes, we need answers of questions we don't even know how to form. I love that He knows what I need, even when I don't. Ask. Look for the answer. Just never forget that God's love reaches through our questions and doubts and when we come to terms with what it happening in our lives, He will already be there.
*This is a little preview out of the book I have been writing. I hope and pray that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Where do we get this idea that we are being punished for a mistake? Where do we get this idea that He will take a child from us because we did something wrong? What a shameful thing to teach and a horrible thing to believe. God is the God of love. The LAST resort would be for Him to punish us. Any place you look in the Bible about Jesus’ time on earth He fought for our cause with God. He used a prostitute, a whore, a prideful king, a thief, a murderer, a liar and the list goes on. There were consequences to their actions but it was a last resort to do something as a capital punishment. God created us. Don’t you think He is smart enough to know what He got Himself into? He knew what He was undertaking when He decided to make man. Nothing that happens in our lives is a surprise to God. If you want to know why, ask! Are you afraid of the answer? You never know, you may get one.
Some things I have seen, like losing a child at a very young age or babies undergoing heart surgery, etc. I don’t get it. I don’t have to understand, I just need to trust. Since I have gone through some unexplained craziness in my world, I have been a more compassionate and understanding person. Did I enjoy going through those things? Absolutely not! Am I glad I did now? YES!! I am so glad I have allowed the hard stuff in my life to change me into a softer person. I am a fighter, and may wear armor, but my heart is soft. I may shoot fire from my eyes, but if you look closely there is always a tear at the edges. I may come down with a “hard hand” but my arms are always open for a hug. My back may be stiff, braced for what is to come and my feet ready to run into the battle, but my shoulder is also open for someone to cry on them. Each time my heart has been broken it has mended even stronger than it was before. Each time I have cried tears of hurt, tears of joy weren't far behind.
I asked God why and He gave me my answer. I looked around me, at what used to be my life, and realized He gave me reinforcements long before I needed them. He gave me two strong little people who have been my constant and I have been theirs. When others came in and out of their lives as if it were nothing, we were always together. They have asked the questions I didn't think of and forgave with grace that has shamed me. They have been my backup dancers and singers as we flatfooted to bluegrass music in the kitchen.They have been my hide and seek partners. They have held my hand as we walked into the church alone. They have been my movie buddies and ice cream thieves. They have read my stories before anyone else and thought I was amazing because I could write. We have been study buddies and princesses on parade. We have been stealth fighters and hunting pros. We have read hours of stories and have created our own. We have decided that our future is what we make of it. We aren’t allowed to sit around and think of what was or what should have been. We think about what is. If we don’t like how things are then we change them. We decided that anything that comes into our lives will make us stronger. No one person will have the power to determine how our life turns out other than ourselves. We are overcomers, fighters, loving people that cannot wait for each and every day because we have reinforcements.
I do not believe it is a bad thing to ask God the "why" of things. He position, power or intent isn't threatened. He knows how we are and what we lack. He isn't surprised at any of it. Sometimes, saying "God is in control." isn't enough. Sometimes, we need answers of questions we don't even know how to form. I love that He knows what I need, even when I don't. Ask. Look for the answer. Just never forget that God's love reaches through our questions and doubts and when we come to terms with what it happening in our lives, He will already be there.
*This is a little preview out of the book I have been writing. I hope and pray that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Monday, September 15, 2014
JUST A LITTLE LIE
Tonight was one of those nights that I had to do what every parent hates to do. I had to discipline my son for lying. He had lied about finishing his homework assignment and this was the second time. The first time was on his birthday, of all days. They both receive a "grace card" that they can use whenever they want on the first demerit for school. He used his on his birthday and took a small punishment for what else that had happened. This morning I had got an email that he hadn't finished his homework and was receiving a demerit. After correspondence with his dad, I found out the entire story and he had lied, again. My heart sunk, The entire day, every time I thought about the kids I felt a sense of dread because I knew what had to be done.
I got home and said my hello's, took off my shoes and started warming up my supper. I called him into the kitchen. The conversation went a little like:
"Did you get a demerit today?"
"Yes"
"Why did you get a demerit?" I could tell that his future hadn't sunk in yet.
"I didn't do my math homework."
"When daddy asked you if you finished your homework, what did you tell him?"
(recognition) "I told him I did it all. I forgot that I had to do my math."
"Did you have your math book in your book bag?
"Yes."
"Why else would you have your Math book in your book bag unless it was to do homework? What is in the front of your binder?
"My weekly homework assignments."
"So you do know where to find them?"
"Yes." (weepy voice has fully taken effect at this time)
" When you told your dad you did all your homework and you didn't have it done, what would you call that?"
"A LIE!!!" (crying has set in)
"When you did this a few weeks ago, what did I tell you?"
"If I did it again I would get punished."
I proceeded to lecture him on lying. I know everyone hates to be lectured but it is a tool to teach and teach I did.
"You believe that telling that "little lie" bought you 10 minutes of extra play time but it snowballed. Now, you have to suffer the consequences of that choice. When you lie, it doesn't just affect you, it affects me, your dad, your teacher, your school work and your relationship with God. Just a little lie is now a huge ordeal. When you lie you break someone's trust. Not only to you have to catch up on that school work but you have to recover from the relationships that were affected by that 'little' lie."
I drew a diagram of a lie in the middle and lines going from the circle with the word "lie" written in it, to other circles that had mom, dad, teacher, school work, J and God written in them. I showed him how far reaching it is when you tell a lie. I explained how each thing or person was affected by that seemingly small choice. Afterwards, I brought it home to him and honestly, I am still praying that it was a good move.
"Do you remember what you told me when your dad left? You said that you knew why we weren't together anymore. You said that it was because dad lied. (He nodded his head.) He broke my, what?"
"Trust."
"I am practice for when you grow up. If you listen to me and obey the guidelines I set, more than likely, you will obey God when you are grown. If you start a habit of lying now, when you are 25 or 30 years old and break your wife's trust over and over again, your kids will be just like you and your sister. They will visit you on the weekends and staying with your wife during the week. They will be crying over the same hurt that you feel. Do you want that? You could possible prevent that from happening by practicing good habits now. Does that make sense?"
"Yes."
"I don't get disciplined by my parents anymore but I do get disciplined by God. If I don't obey Him, I have to pay the consequences as well. God gave you to me and I have a HUGE job of training you and giving you back to Him to serve Him one day. It's a big deal but I need your help. I need you to obey and listen, I am not trying to boss you around, I am trying to teach you for when I am not around anymore. There is no little boy I love more than you and what a good boy you are. It is all up to you. The decisions you make is yours. If you don't like the boy you see in that mirror than change it." (then he prayed and asked God for forgiveness. Called his dad and did the same)
One of the hardest things I have to do, more so that discipline, is making sure the truths and the "why" behind what you teach them to hit home. I want them to not just follow MY rules but guidelines they will use from now until they are older. That is so important to me. I don't want them to do it because I say. I want them to do it because it is right. I don't know if you are aware but raising kids is not easy. If you think it is, maybe you should reevaluate what you are doing.
Now that I have kids of my own, I can see that even the smallest things that I never gave much thought to were tools that were taught to me by my parents. When my kids were first born I realized what a "blank slate" they really were. It was my job to teach them EVERY little thing. What a huge and daunting task that looked like. They present you with many, many opportunities to teach them and show them the right way. At the same time, I really believe God uses that to show us some lessons as well. So many times I hear myself talking and think of God saying the same thing to me. It has changed my world.
It is so hard to explain how much I love my children. Even more so, it never ceases to amaze me how much more God loves us. I pray every day that I can be the parent my kids deserve. I pray that they will grow up to be more than just good citizens. I want them to be adults that change the world, even if it is just one person at a time.
I got home and said my hello's, took off my shoes and started warming up my supper. I called him into the kitchen. The conversation went a little like:
"Did you get a demerit today?"
"Yes"
"Why did you get a demerit?" I could tell that his future hadn't sunk in yet.
"I didn't do my math homework."
"When daddy asked you if you finished your homework, what did you tell him?"
(recognition) "I told him I did it all. I forgot that I had to do my math."
"Did you have your math book in your book bag?
"Yes."
"Why else would you have your Math book in your book bag unless it was to do homework? What is in the front of your binder?
"My weekly homework assignments."
"So you do know where to find them?"
"Yes." (weepy voice has fully taken effect at this time)
" When you told your dad you did all your homework and you didn't have it done, what would you call that?"
"A LIE!!!" (crying has set in)
"When you did this a few weeks ago, what did I tell you?"
"If I did it again I would get punished."
I proceeded to lecture him on lying. I know everyone hates to be lectured but it is a tool to teach and teach I did.
"You believe that telling that "little lie" bought you 10 minutes of extra play time but it snowballed. Now, you have to suffer the consequences of that choice. When you lie, it doesn't just affect you, it affects me, your dad, your teacher, your school work and your relationship with God. Just a little lie is now a huge ordeal. When you lie you break someone's trust. Not only to you have to catch up on that school work but you have to recover from the relationships that were affected by that 'little' lie."
I drew a diagram of a lie in the middle and lines going from the circle with the word "lie" written in it, to other circles that had mom, dad, teacher, school work, J and God written in them. I showed him how far reaching it is when you tell a lie. I explained how each thing or person was affected by that seemingly small choice. Afterwards, I brought it home to him and honestly, I am still praying that it was a good move.
"Do you remember what you told me when your dad left? You said that you knew why we weren't together anymore. You said that it was because dad lied. (He nodded his head.) He broke my, what?"
"Trust."
"I am practice for when you grow up. If you listen to me and obey the guidelines I set, more than likely, you will obey God when you are grown. If you start a habit of lying now, when you are 25 or 30 years old and break your wife's trust over and over again, your kids will be just like you and your sister. They will visit you on the weekends and staying with your wife during the week. They will be crying over the same hurt that you feel. Do you want that? You could possible prevent that from happening by practicing good habits now. Does that make sense?"
"Yes."
"I don't get disciplined by my parents anymore but I do get disciplined by God. If I don't obey Him, I have to pay the consequences as well. God gave you to me and I have a HUGE job of training you and giving you back to Him to serve Him one day. It's a big deal but I need your help. I need you to obey and listen, I am not trying to boss you around, I am trying to teach you for when I am not around anymore. There is no little boy I love more than you and what a good boy you are. It is all up to you. The decisions you make is yours. If you don't like the boy you see in that mirror than change it." (then he prayed and asked God for forgiveness. Called his dad and did the same)
One of the hardest things I have to do, more so that discipline, is making sure the truths and the "why" behind what you teach them to hit home. I want them to not just follow MY rules but guidelines they will use from now until they are older. That is so important to me. I don't want them to do it because I say. I want them to do it because it is right. I don't know if you are aware but raising kids is not easy. If you think it is, maybe you should reevaluate what you are doing.
Now that I have kids of my own, I can see that even the smallest things that I never gave much thought to were tools that were taught to me by my parents. When my kids were first born I realized what a "blank slate" they really were. It was my job to teach them EVERY little thing. What a huge and daunting task that looked like. They present you with many, many opportunities to teach them and show them the right way. At the same time, I really believe God uses that to show us some lessons as well. So many times I hear myself talking and think of God saying the same thing to me. It has changed my world.
It is so hard to explain how much I love my children. Even more so, it never ceases to amaze me how much more God loves us. I pray every day that I can be the parent my kids deserve. I pray that they will grow up to be more than just good citizens. I want them to be adults that change the world, even if it is just one person at a time.
Friday, September 5, 2014
WISHING ON A SHOOTING STAR
The kids and I were walking in from church one night and it was so dark we could barely see the outline of the house. We looked up and it was breathtaking how much the stars shown. My daughter asked me, "If you wish on a shooting star, will it really come true?"
(I am not one of those people that can out right lie to my kids, even if it about Santa or the Tooth Fairy. I will say something that lets the imagination work but I just cannot lie if they ask me outright. They know that and use it against me.)
So, I told her as honestly as I could. "Well, if I ever see a shooting star, I wish on it. I don't recall if even one hasn't come true. So, if it doesn't work, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Let me wish on my stars and leave me be." She looked at me very skeptically after we got inside, shrugged her shoulders, said,"OK" and went to her room.
The more I thought about that, the more I felt thankful that I never had to worry if my wish was coming true. My wishes sound a little more like prayers than wishes but I send them to the One that can deliver. I don't HAVE to wish or hope that a shooting star has some mystical powers that takes that wish with it and delivers it to some phantom being as it's last act before it goes into oblivion. The thing is, I know the Creator of the stars. He knows when that star has shown its brilliance for the very last time. He knew the exact second that it died and I believe He smiles at me when I send it off with a secret wish.
We say that we believe in God, but do we really? We say He can do anything but how do we really know? What have we done that shows that we believe that? How easy it is, as those little phrases, verses and cliches just roll off our tongue. How do we back it? What has happened in our own life that shows other people that we have the "proof"?
I have been through a time where I said all the right things and I sympathized with whomever I was speaking with. It wasn't until my own hard time came that I really believed in what God could do. I still try to control the situation, work myself to death and don't ever admit it but think that God is too busy or has people with "real" problems to worry about. After everything I have been through, I still think that sometimes. I have to make myself stop, turn around and look at where I have been. I have to remember where God walked with me, carried me and sometimes drug me along the way. Bless me, but I don't make it easy. I think before a guardian angel can retire, God sends them to me for six months to where I can help them earn their retirement. I imagine those angels walking into the celestial choir after their bout with me, scooting into their row. One nods their head at the other with a knowing smile on their face and says, "Stacy?" The other one, nods back and says, "Yep." He knows my problems, weaknesses and dreams. It is up to me to ask. It is up to me to let Him show me who He is and work through me.
I have seen some teenagers with very good singing voices sing in churches. Different group, same song but the church comes unglued. What is the difference? It's the "proof". They have lived a life where God proved that He was real. They have lived in a situation or had no one but Him. The words were the same. The music was the same. Four part harmony echoed throughout the building. The difference was, they didn't wish on a star and hope it would be okay. They knew it would be because they believed in a God that showed up and they allowed Him to work in their lives. Even when all they could do is cry in hurt and confusion, He heard their cry and answered their prayers. Those singers knew that He not only knows when that star fell but He knows their name.
(I am not one of those people that can out right lie to my kids, even if it about Santa or the Tooth Fairy. I will say something that lets the imagination work but I just cannot lie if they ask me outright. They know that and use it against me.)
So, I told her as honestly as I could. "Well, if I ever see a shooting star, I wish on it. I don't recall if even one hasn't come true. So, if it doesn't work, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Let me wish on my stars and leave me be." She looked at me very skeptically after we got inside, shrugged her shoulders, said,"OK" and went to her room.
The more I thought about that, the more I felt thankful that I never had to worry if my wish was coming true. My wishes sound a little more like prayers than wishes but I send them to the One that can deliver. I don't HAVE to wish or hope that a shooting star has some mystical powers that takes that wish with it and delivers it to some phantom being as it's last act before it goes into oblivion. The thing is, I know the Creator of the stars. He knows when that star has shown its brilliance for the very last time. He knew the exact second that it died and I believe He smiles at me when I send it off with a secret wish.
We say that we believe in God, but do we really? We say He can do anything but how do we really know? What have we done that shows that we believe that? How easy it is, as those little phrases, verses and cliches just roll off our tongue. How do we back it? What has happened in our own life that shows other people that we have the "proof"?
I have been through a time where I said all the right things and I sympathized with whomever I was speaking with. It wasn't until my own hard time came that I really believed in what God could do. I still try to control the situation, work myself to death and don't ever admit it but think that God is too busy or has people with "real" problems to worry about. After everything I have been through, I still think that sometimes. I have to make myself stop, turn around and look at where I have been. I have to remember where God walked with me, carried me and sometimes drug me along the way. Bless me, but I don't make it easy. I think before a guardian angel can retire, God sends them to me for six months to where I can help them earn their retirement. I imagine those angels walking into the celestial choir after their bout with me, scooting into their row. One nods their head at the other with a knowing smile on their face and says, "Stacy?" The other one, nods back and says, "Yep." He knows my problems, weaknesses and dreams. It is up to me to ask. It is up to me to let Him show me who He is and work through me.
I have seen some teenagers with very good singing voices sing in churches. Different group, same song but the church comes unglued. What is the difference? It's the "proof". They have lived a life where God proved that He was real. They have lived in a situation or had no one but Him. The words were the same. The music was the same. Four part harmony echoed throughout the building. The difference was, they didn't wish on a star and hope it would be okay. They knew it would be because they believed in a God that showed up and they allowed Him to work in their lives. Even when all they could do is cry in hurt and confusion, He heard their cry and answered their prayers. Those singers knew that He not only knows when that star fell but He knows their name.
"He counts the stars one and all.
He knows how much sand is on the shore.
He sees every sparrow that falls.
He made the mountains and the seas.
He's in control of everything.
Of all creatures great and small
He knows my name,
Every step that I take,
Every move that I make,
Every tear that I cry.
And He knows my name,
When I'm overwhelmed by the pain
And can't see the light of day
I know I'll be just fine
Cause He knows my name.
I don't know what tomorrow may bring
I can't tell you what's in store
I don't know a lot of things
I don't have all the answers to the questions of life
But I know in whom I believe. "
Sunday, August 31, 2014
DIRTY HANDS
There have been so many times my kids have come to me with unidentified substances on their hands, face and coming out of every conceivable place on their body. They look at me with their big eyes and a sweet, melt your heart smile, wanting to be held. We have all seen a kid that has gotten into candy and runs up to their mom, hands held up, chocolate all over her and says, "I wanna hold you". The mom sweetly smiles, shakes her head at the child, picks the child up and calmly walks over to the sink, begins cleaning and talking or consoling the child. It is amazing how many times our kids have come to us with dirt, blood, candy, cake, food, unidentified slime and we just take it in stride, find the nearest hose and clean them off. Then, we send them on their merry way knowing that they will be back with something else we need to clean or dispose of. Those little dirty hands rarely ever are held up to us when they are clean. Our clothes can be covered in spit-up, snot, bits of food and we just take our kids as they come, mess and all.
All I have are dirty hands. I come to my Lord with my hands held up in need of love, attention and someone to take me as I am. I am nothing without Him. He takes it all in stride and picks me up no matter what I have done or gotten into. He cleans me off and lets me go again knowing full well I will get into something else and He will have to clean me up again. I used to wonder how God had the patience to deal with me until I became a mom. It still amazes me but I get to see a small glimpse of that love through my kids. Those sticky finger prints on my car window that is like trying to remove super glue, reminds me that all I have to give are dirty hands. There is nothing I can offer God to amaze Him or win His approval. I need HIM. Not the other way around. I am a vessel, a tool for His use and His glory.
We all want to think that He can use our talents and we really aren't THAT bad because we haven't ever.... But really, compared to perfection, we can never measure up. The things I know I shouldn't do, I do them. The things I desire in my heart and try to strive for, I don't do. Paul nailed it in Romans 7.
"For without me ye can do nothing." The little bit of "good" I may do is only contributed to the One that lives within me. Without Him....I cannot fathom where I would be, who I would be or even who I would be. The good thing is, I DON'T HAVE TO MEASURE UP. He loves me "as is". Dirty hands and all. I cannot earn His love or approval. He gives it freely.
I am so glad that when I lift my hands in want of my heavenly Father, He doesn't look down at me in disapproval. He sees his baby girl in need of her dad. He sees an opportunity to hold me in His arms and help me get through a problem that I cannot get through without Him. He sees a chance to use my humanity to further His cause. When I lift my hands in praise, I do not impress Him. He sees dirty hands but He looks at them through eyes of love.
All I have are dirty hands. I come to my Lord with my hands held up in need of love, attention and someone to take me as I am. I am nothing without Him. He takes it all in stride and picks me up no matter what I have done or gotten into. He cleans me off and lets me go again knowing full well I will get into something else and He will have to clean me up again. I used to wonder how God had the patience to deal with me until I became a mom. It still amazes me but I get to see a small glimpse of that love through my kids. Those sticky finger prints on my car window that is like trying to remove super glue, reminds me that all I have to give are dirty hands. There is nothing I can offer God to amaze Him or win His approval. I need HIM. Not the other way around. I am a vessel, a tool for His use and His glory.
We all want to think that He can use our talents and we really aren't THAT bad because we haven't ever.... But really, compared to perfection, we can never measure up. The things I know I shouldn't do, I do them. The things I desire in my heart and try to strive for, I don't do. Paul nailed it in Romans 7.
"For without me ye can do nothing." The little bit of "good" I may do is only contributed to the One that lives within me. Without Him....I cannot fathom where I would be, who I would be or even who I would be. The good thing is, I DON'T HAVE TO MEASURE UP. He loves me "as is". Dirty hands and all. I cannot earn His love or approval. He gives it freely.
I am so glad that when I lift my hands in want of my heavenly Father, He doesn't look down at me in disapproval. He sees his baby girl in need of her dad. He sees an opportunity to hold me in His arms and help me get through a problem that I cannot get through without Him. He sees a chance to use my humanity to further His cause. When I lift my hands in praise, I do not impress Him. He sees dirty hands but He looks at them through eyes of love.
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