ALL I HAVE IS ME

When I first started dating, I knew who I was and all I had to offer. I was a stay at home mom that devoted my life to my kids and their dad. I didn't have rock hard abs, money in the bank, stocks, bonds, an inheritance, a new car or even a house. It was just us. There was one thing I've always had was my word. I'm blatantly honest, sometimes to a fault. I felt as if I wasnt in the "league" like other women because I had none of those things. I had stretch marks, some adorable love handles, csection scar, and I couldn't seem to break free of my voluptuous curves. Most people out there were gym rats. I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep groceries on the table and an ounce of sanity in my head. I don't have time for anything much less the gym where I feel like I am wearing a sign that says, pitifully out of shape. I would never be on the cover of anything. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a real pedicure. I like the out of doors, gardening and anything other than shopping. What woman says that?!?

  I have no security and I'm trying to figure out what I like in general. Let's not mention trying to figure out who is legit and who is just out for a "lonely woman" that would make a great and seemingly an easy target. Doesn't that sound like a promising profile?  Accomplishments include... Getting up in the morning and not strangling the ex. Boom! Send me a smile, message or get in line!

This was a serious problem in my mind. Who would want me?!? Wait, back it up! Who wouldn't want me? Look what I have been through. I'm like a warrior with the diplomacy of Barbara Walters and the compassion of Mother Theresa. I have survived the birth of 2 children, gossip, depression, weight gain, weight loss, separation from all that I knew, the cold shoulder, being practically disowned, knowing no one believed me and only 2 witnesses to some of the "smaller incidents", joblessness, "homelessness", intimidation, moving several times, losing friends and family, raising two kids with little or no help financial or otherwise. Who wouldn't want someone someone like me? I'm an overcomer! Awesome! Amazing!

 That doesn't change the past or cover the scars or cushion the daily pains that come with being an overcomer. That doesn't make it any easier to hold my head up high and waltz out the door to greet my potential date. What do I say? I have no great travels to brag about, no hiking trips planned, no great boardroom stories to tell. I can tell you how my kids changed my world, how they taught me the art of patience, how they mysteriously forget how to clean up after themselves after bath time, how they came into this world and how they take it by storm. That my friends, is great dating conversations made to impress, says no one ever!

  All I have to offer is me. Take me as I am or not at all.  You think you won't find that person who likes your quirks and your "mom body". You think that you are the only one that thinks you are funny. You think you won't ever trust someone with your kids. You think that you won't ever laugh til you cry. You think that you will never feel like yourself again. You feel like you will always feel like an outsider. Then, when you give up hoping and praying it will happen and it does. You meet that person that loves you "as is". He laughs with you, cries with you, fights with you and loves on you. He rubs your feet and pours you something to drink. He lets you take a nap and keeps all 5 kids busy. He matches you in wit and stubbornness and its a beautiful thing. You work together, play together, wish together and will stay together. If all you have to offer is you, it is just enough for the right person. Believe me, it can happen. Don't let the people in your past, your own insecurities or the messed up world we live in convince you that you aren't a good "catch". You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are just enough. 

THATS NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED

When my children were born, their dad and I were 21 and almost 23. We were babies ourselves. I read books as if my life depended on it, theirs did for sure. I had babysat when I was younger but honestly, I didn't really like kids. They were loud, touched everything, you had to tell them everything, they didn't even have common sense yet and a lot of the ones I saw were just brats. Now, I was having my own monsters and I was so unsure what to do. I didn't really even know the science behind how you got pregnant, how and why your body changed and what exactly happened when you gave birth. So, I made a study of it all. I read books by doctors, teachers, mothers and asked advice from EVERYONE. I didn't feel prepared but I did feel better. However, their dad didn't act like it was a big deal at all. I was so amazed by this. My world and thinking had changed right along with my body. When the children were born he was very standoffish. I didn't know what was going on. I remember crying to my mom about it and finally decided, he was gonna get a crash course in parenting. There was a Carolina game on and I handed him our son and told him, he doesn't even know your voice or was able to be without me for a long time. Talk to him. Of course he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I don't know what to say to him, he doesn't talk back... Coach from the couch, explain to him what's going on even if he doesn't have a clue what you are saying. That was the beginning of the end when basketball season was on.
  The point is, I studied for parenthood. I took it very seriously.  Changes that impacted my life were happening within me while his world was sitting still. We were both raised with a different family dynamic. My dad was the head of the home. He was in charge. Mom was a homemaker and she basically raised us to be the women we are. Dad was the "example" that we followed and looked for men to marry like him. His family was a bit different. I felt like their dad wasn't as "hands on" as I would have liked. I started praying that fatherhood would change his life like it changed mine. My prayer was answered after our divorce. The reality of it was when my son and daughter started missing him during the week when they were with me. It hurt me. When they missed him, I took it personally. I was with them since day one. I taught them everything that they knew. I never left them. My choices in life had them at the forefront and they miss him?
  Then, I had a bit of a conversation with myself. I talk to myself quite often. I prayed for this. I begged God that my kids dad would be the type of father that my kids would miss regardless of the circumstances or the "why" behind it. My prayers had been answered just not the way I wanted them to or when I wanted them to be. For the past two years, the kids dad has been a lot more Interactive in their life. I still don't agree with certain things or what is told to the kids but that's to be expected. The point is, things aren't going to go exactly how I want them to go. My desire is for my kids to have a dad that loves them and tries to spend some time with the. It gives them a healthier lifestyle and makes them more emotionally stable.
  The truth is, when you have kids, it isn't about you anymore. Some catch on quicker than others. Just be patient with the ones who are a bit slower where the kids are concerned. As long as your kids environment seems healthy, support the other parent. If there an unhealthy environment or your children are being hurt emotionally or tried to be turned toward you, I would be careful about letting your kids around those people or that type of environment. If it come between your kids and comfort, choose your kids, if it comes between your ego and your kids, choose your kids. The key is to support the other parent as just that, their parent. You don't have to lie to the kids. you don't have to pretend that you are buddies with their other parent. Be honest. Be strong. Be aware of everything going on in their life by keeping the lines of communication OPEN.
  Your prayers may be answered just not when and how you would like. For the kids sake, be happy that those prayers seem to be answered. It's tough to support someone that hurts you and continues to do so. It's tough to try to teach your kids to respect and love new family members that has come into your kids life when you struggle not to throat punch them when you see them. The point is, it is not about us. It is only about the kids. One day, the truth of the situation will be revealed. It will be hard enough when your kids learn the truth of how they came to be a split family. You don't want them to learn too early because you will not come out the winner and you will have years of repair ahead of you where their emotions are concerned. Keep praying that your kids will have discernment. Pray for the other parents to come to the realization is isn't about making you pay or hurting you, it is about the children and what is best for them and BE READY. Your prayers will be answered.

EVERY WISH I MADE...

  Mid August last year, I was beyond frustrated with dating, I started praying that God would take away my desire to share my life with someone. Two weeks after those prayers started, I started communicating with a guy I met on a dating site. We texted here and there and finally, he called me. He hadn't texted much up to that point, so that made things interesting. Our first conversation lasted almost an hour and a half. From that night, we talked almost daily. Almost four weeks later, we decided to meet. He was from the Charlotte are and I from Durham. Our central location was Greensboro or Asheboro. He decided that we would meet that following Sunday night for supper in Greensboro. I'm almost always early which in this case was a gigantic curse.
  As I sat in the parking lot, I was going between excessively happy and ready to panic. What am I thinking?! I'm totally insane! No one says I have to marry this guy. I'm just gonna have fun. What if he's crazy? What if he doesn't look like his picture? What if I fall for him but he isn't legit?! Can I take heartbreak anymore? He calls me. He confesses that he is beyond nervous. He said, "My hands are even sweating." Then, I was laughing. It was so great that this big ol NC boy was nervous about little me. I see his power stroke, Ford 250 sitting at the stoplight. I laughed out loud and clapped my hands like a kid. This is going to be great! I knew I wouldn't walk away from this night the same. I sat there and wanted him to walk into the restaurant first. I wanted to get a good look at him to prepare myself. Yes, I totally want to check him out. He sat in his truck and I could hear his thoughts from where I was sitting. He was thinking, where is she? Do I get out and go in? Should I meet her in the parking lot? I don't want to look stupid. I was holding my phone in my hand because I knew he would call me. He did. My phone rang and I laughed in it and said, "you are a chicken." He said where are you at? Coyly I responded, "Watching you. I can almost hear your debate from here." He laughed then and I told him I would meet him at his truck. He still hesitated. By then I could hardly quit smiling and laughing, my sarcasm was on overdrive in my head. I saw his boots hit the ground and I knew I was in BIG trouble. I came around the truck and we both looked at each other with smiles and I laughed as I and hugged him. We had immediate chemistry. Immediate. I was teasing him to make him comfortable and loving ribbing him for his nerves. We went in and i complimented him and he told me, You don't look too bad yourself. As a matter of fact, can I hug you again?" And that folks, is what we call brownie points. We were seating at our table and didn't talk a whole lot at first. He was just a mess. He now says it was an act, but I can assure you, it wasn't. The lady next to me didn't realize she had reached her limit on wine and started stroking my hair. "Is your hair real?" She asks me if I minded if she touched it as her dirty fingers were literally entangled in my hair. She's laughing and leaning over trying to talk to me so we start laughing at her expense. It was priceless.
 After we ate, he decides the night can't end. We are within a few miles of the theater and we jet over there to watch a movie. I can't remember a thing about it except that he relaxed a bit more. At the end of the night, we both were wishing for more time and less space. He walks me to my car and I get in. He is sitting in his truck at this point. I sit there for a second, talking to myself as I am slowly inching out of my parking spot. You know if you go home now, you will regret not kissing him. We have no idea when we can get together again and even if we have THAT kind of chemistry... Oh goodness, you only live once. No regrets, remember? I pulled on the other side of him. I get out, and he opens his door, which kind of almost ruined my plans. I crooked my finger at him and I had a really serious face on. He's like, what's wrong?! I said, "Are you ready?" His eyes got big as can be and he said, "Are you going to kiss me?!!" I laughed at his face and said, "Yes. I hope you're ready." Well, that was a great ending to a perfect first date and I'm pretty sure fireworks were going off, if not over our heads then in them.
  We talked every day since that night. We have spent evenings under shooting stars. We have spent evenings dealing with emotional children. We've spent time beside our grandparents as they went to Heaven. We have stood beside each other and held each other as we cried over the loss. We have had some very big things to get through. We have dealt with deaths in our families that shook us all to our core. We have had to deal with past hurts, exes and learning to trust ourselves and each other. We have had to learn to balance our lives, kids, exes, church, work and reality all at the same time. I have lived two lives. I have one in Durham and one in Charlotte. I've lived out of a suitcase sine January. I have traveled almost 300 miles every weekend since then. When my kids are with their dad, his kids are just arriving. Sometimes, there have been tears and fears that have clouded our time together. Sometimes there has been personal tough times for both of us that caused us to learn that we have a team member that will help carry the load.
  We discussed getting married and had a date picked out. We have two sets of kids and there has to be allowances made for that in dealing with the exes and the transition. We have been working on giving his house a face-lift in all of this craziness as well. Thursday evening, I had finished my first day of class and he had finished work. It was raining like crazy but we wanted to have a date. We hadn't had a kid free, real date in a while. I got dressed up and had my "real" hair done up like a real, southern movie star and we set out. We ate some amazing food at Firebirds and I laughed until I cried. We were just sitting there and he started being sentimental. He told me he loved me and asked me if I knew that he did. I'm still giggling about what we had been talking about before. I can't ever just say, yes I know you love me, I have to ask why. Bless him. He told me, as he has before, you are what I've always wanted and what I had been looking for. He says, I got something for you. One of my love languages is sarcasm, so I'm still thinking he's teasing and say, you do huh? He pulls out a gorgeous box and I look at him with wide eyes and say,You're serious? I thought you were teasing me. He gets down on his knee and asks me if I will marry him. Mmmmmhhhh. Lemme think... Haha, YES!
  Back it up two weeks, he had everything planned out to come to my house and surprise me. He caught a horrible bug and was down for the count for a long time. Then, that night, it rained. Again, thwarting his plans. I wasn't really expecting it because I knew he had been planning this for a while. Good surprise, for sure!!!
 Ever since I was a girl I wished on every falling star I saw, making wishes on dandelion puffs and eye lashes. I wished for that love, the kind that you can't live without. The kind of love that thousands of books have been written about. The kind of love that lasts forever. It isn't fickle or easy to forget. It is something that you don't just happen upon or fall into but love that you choose. Yes, I was and am very attracted to him, but more than that, my heart and soul has longed for something I didn't think I would find and then, I did. I found it in him. Robby is a rough and rugged type of man. He is kind and genuine. He is an incredible hard worker. He is the man that I trust with my kids. He will be a great example for my kids. He is loving and just as stubborn as I am! We have grown together in our relationship and have become better people because we have known each other.
  June 6, 2015, Robby and I will be having a nighttime wedding and beginning our adventure surrounded by our family and a few friends. We won't be just getting married, we will be blending our families. Jayden and Chloe are very excited that they will have Robby in there lives permanently. Chloe is SO thrilled to have 3 more girls to play with and Jayden is coming to terms with being incredibly outnumbered. We will be a part of an amazing family that has accepted me with open arms. I'm so blessed to have their influence on my children as well.
  I'm so grateful for every prayer, encouraging word and every person that supported me even when all I could do was speak about my hurt. Thank you to my mom and sister that have been my protectors and for loving me through my heartache even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you to my mom and her husband for showing me what a second chance looks like. Our journey didn't even start smoothly but who wants that? "We don't do easy, we do worth it." Apparently, easy isn't something I know anything about. Every bump, mountain and hilltop has made us stronger and I just pray it continues to do so.
 

    Every wish I made, I made for you. I just hadn't met you yet. 

WHEN MY HEART WENT DARK

I am a happy, go lucky person. I always saw the bright side of life. There was nothing a little determination could fix and then... Just a few years ago, my heart was broken. In that time, I was distraught, confused and lost and then...I was angry. I wasn't just angry, I was mad! I was so mad, I saw red. I could feel it from my toes all the way up to the top of my head, even my hair hurt. I felt the injustice of that time. I knew that my well laid out plans with having children with someone to watching them grow up to dancing together at their wedding to babysitting the grandkids were over because of what? Selfishness. Inconsideration. "A tough time." "A bad day." Not only were my dreams shattered but my children's security was gone as well. He had taken so much.

  To say one is mad is one thing, at one point my heart went dark. I felt as if I had not just built a wall but it had bobbed wire on top and if by chance someone got too close or asked about the ex, the venom that spewed from my mouth was something to be reckoned with. Every man was the same. Every man secretly had the heart of the one that hurt me. Every man was punished for his sins. I would date but I would feel myself setting them up to see if they would "take the bait" and prove what I thought in my heart was right. After all, they were just like the one that hurt me. Since I couldn't make him pay, I would make everyone else pay instead. I told myself this wasn't the case, that I was ok but it was the furthest thing from the truth. Everyone else, including me, paid for his sins. I was drinking poison and expecting him to get sick. 

  Everyone that was kind to me HAD to have an ulterior motive. Every church was the same as the one that turned their back on me. Every "friend" was the same as the one that didn't want to associate with me because of what I was going through. I had even cut myself off from my family for a time. I was "protecting" myself. If I was protecting myself, why did it hurt so much and feel so lonely? Oh, I was ok,  but could still feel the anger inside me so strongly that it literally burned. I could speak his name but only through gritted teeth. I could tell "my story" but with more anger than understanding and compassion. My heart was cold and dark. I consistently had a scowl on my face and didn't even know that I did. 

  One day, my son said, "Mom, why are you angry all the time?" I chuckled and said,"I'm not. Why would you say that?" He very seriously looked at me and then wrinkled up his face in a hideous scowl and said, "because your face always looks like this." I felt my face fall. I just stared at him and the first time in ages, I felt tears in my eyes. I AM angry all the time and they are suffering for it. Everyone is suffering for what one person did. I knew my heart was dark. I believed that everyone turned their backs on me and I was suffering an unjust punishment for something that I must have done a long time ago. If God was REALLY a God of love, why would he allow that? What an unfair question but i said it anyway. 

  I took some time and went through the days of my marriage and everything that lead up to that moment but I processed it through different eyes and with a different heart. I allowed myself to be angry but not to stay that way. I allowed myself time to cry but not to continue to cry. I could feel the darkness fighting with the new knowledge that I had and love I wanted to feel. It felt as though I was cutting away at the weeds and briars that had overtaken my "garden" with dull pair of child's scissors. I felt as though I had made some progress and then I would see him again. He would say something hurtful and I would see red. I wanted to take those dull scissors and... Well, I would have to start over. Each time was less and less. I eventually found some "weed killer". I began to open up to my real friends. I shared my story. I learned compassion and how to turn around such a unimaginable situation into a tool to help other people. I still struggle. He says something hurtful or uses the kids as a tool to hurt me and I see red! Again! I stop, take a breath, cry, vent and then I ask for forgiveness for the anger that overtook me for that time and move on. Sometimes it takes longer than others but it always goes away. I refuse to drink the poison and allow that darkness to overtake my heart again. 

  The darkness still looms. It is an ever present feeling. Some days it is almost akin to the feeling you get when you feel someone staring at you. Or someone that is standing near you that you don't see but you feel. Sometimes it doesn't even seem like that was ever a part of my life. It doesn't seem real. If it weren't for the kids, my mind could be convinced it never happened. I realize that once I have seen and felt that darkness, it is something that I will have to be conscious of and know it would be so easy to let it overtake me again. Sometimes the light has to fight the darkness but the light has always won. The light that came into my life was the realization of Gods unconditional love. That love will always overpower anything but it is up to me to allow it to. 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Sometimes I really struggle with things that happen in my life and those around me. It's hard to see others suffer even more than it is to suffer myself. For a while I have went through some tough times self inflicted, mainly out of naivety, and inflicted by others. Still today, I have to endure the consequences of those tough times. I see good people suffer and it is so hard to see it happen. Sometimes, I want to scream out the injustice and broadcast to the world what the "real" story is and make them suffer as they have made me or my loved one suffer. Don't be too shocked, I'm pretty sure I am not alone in that.
  Throughout the years, I have learned that it is not my job to understand or to exact revenge, it is my job to trust. How simple that sounds. Trust means to have a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. Trusting someone is not that easy for me. I have put my trust in a lot of people and that didn't go so well. Before you start producing all kinds of platitudes and scripture, hear me out. As a child, we are exceptionally trusting and forgiving to a fault. We have to be taught to distrust.
 Growing up, I was a teetotaler. I did everything expected of me, plus some. I never gave my family any reason to worry. I thought I did it all "right". According to how we were taught, if you do that and follow the well laid "plan", certain things you wouldn't have to worry about. You've heard the sermons on how to protect your marriage from infidelity or the way you dress will protect you from someone taking advantage of you. I'm afraid to report that is a huge misconception. It took me a while to realize that and quit blaming myself for the events that happened in my life. Don't get me wrong, I took ownership of my mistakes but I quit blaming myself for the things that I didn't do or were responsible for. The blame that was laid at my feet for the mistakes, bitterness and desires someone else had in there life. I had to learn, if someone blamed me it was because they couldn't handle the guilt that they carried.
  When I was still a teenager, I was married. I was so young and innocent. I had two kids before I had even cut my wisdom teeth. I had said some STUPID things in my innocence. I was told because of what I wore (pants), I had sin in my life and that was why my marriage ended in the way it did. I was told that if I would have loved him more and been more spiritual, he wouldn't have made the decisions he did. Let's get some things straight, everyone is responsible for their own choices. How spiritual I was wasn't reflected in his decisions, how spiritual he was was reflected in those decision. What I wear shouldn't influence anyone in the way it was told to me. You and I may disagree but on that we should agree on just fine. Some of those people offered that advice and input that love me very much. They were people I had trusted. When i finally started voicing what was going on behind closed doors, there was an invisible line drawn in the sand that I didn't realize was there. I was on the wrong side of that line. I was the one who verbally ended the marriage. My name was the first one on the divorce papers. I do not trust easily because the ones I chose to council with and speak the truth too were the ones that turned their backs on me or shared my personal information to better their cause.
  I know, not everyone is like that. I know to not put your eyes on man but on God. Believe me, if I judged God by how others betrayed Him, I would spend my life telling others not to trust in a god like that. How do you trust Someone that has allowed you to go through all of these thought times and loss? How do you trust someone that seems so harsh? As I have told many others and have had to remind myself, forget everything you know, trust and have heard and start over. Become a blank slate. Read the Bible as if it is the first time. Take everything you read with an open mind and heart and then form your opinions. We may be saved by asking the Lord to forgive the wrong things we have done, believe that He died on the cross in order to make a way, through His blood, to for us to join Him in Heaven one day. Through His blood and our belief, we trust Him with our eternity but how much more difficult is it to ask for the every day things in life? Why is that?
 That trust to take care of things in the same way that you would. For example, I may get a babysitter for my kids and asked them to do certain things while I'm away. I know very good and well, those things may be done but they for sure won't be done the way I would have done them. I trusted her to do them, but not the way I would. What I think we get mixed up is, God wants us to succeed and have the desires of our hearts much more than even we do. Why then, would he give us just enough for a tease? Why would He give us something just to take it away again like a cruel joke? Some have said, "I would never blame God". Haven't you though? Haven't you asked, why has this happened? I have done everything you asked and yet, here I am. Why would you allow this? Here's the deal, bad things happen to good people. We may be saved, we may do the "right" things but we live with the effects of sin. Jesus was perfect. He never sinned and yet He was brutally beaten to death and hung on the cross as He was suffocating, He gave himself up to death. The people He created for fellowship with Him did the unthinkable to Him. He lived with the effects of that first sin. Can you imagine that? Committing the sin that ultimately put Jesus on the cross. We all can take the blame for that. Knowing that, I cannot feel "blameless" in what led to the demise in my marriage or even the "words of wisdom" some people shared with me. I cannot feel too pious in the injustice that has been done to me.
  What amazes me about knowing that Christ did all of that for me, and no it isn't a fairy tale, is that He knew it was going to happen and created mankind anyway. Think of it from a mom's perspective. We knew that childbirth was going to be some of the most pain we have ever experienced. We knew long before we heard our baby's first cry and watched them suckle at our breast that they would hurt us. We knew that they would disobey, lie, steal, cheat and temporarily hate us but we still anxiously awaited their arrival. How much more so did the God of the universe anticipate our arrival. How much more did he anticipate when we wake up every day to fellowship with Him? Remember how you used to watch your kids sleep in the morning and couldn't wait til they woke up because you missed them so much? I so did that! I remember when I looked at the face of my children for the first time and could see my own self in them. Can you imagine that God feels the same about us? When I say how hard it is to trust, it sounds so silly in light of all of that. How can I not trust a God such as that? I don't understand but I do trust even in the things that I struggle with almost daily that there is a greater plan that I cannot see yet. I will trust that He will make my path plain to me when I come to that point in my journey.
  Trusting someone isn't easy for me but God isn't just anyone. God is my Father that has never chosen anyone over me, loved me "as is" and only wants the best for me. Jesus put Himself out of His "comfort zone" in order to show me how much love He really had for me. He gave up His home and came to a place that He knew He would be hated and mistreated. He has never believed a word of gossip or judge me by someone else's sins. He loves me because of who I am not in spite of who I am. I may not understand but I can trust in a God like that.

HER LAST REQUEST

This past week, we laid to rest one of my heros. She was a mother of 10 children, grandmother to 27 and great grandmother to 17 children. No matter what happened in life, she overcame it all. She fought for  her family, her beliefs and her marriage. Before her last son was born, she adopted her 4 nieces. Since the day those girls were brought to her house, they were hers. She took them in and loved them as her own. She had a way to make you feel like you were her favorite. She never belittled or spoke ill of you but she was a straight shooter. Her heart was bad but her love was never not felt. She had went through personal and family struggles that she didn't speak much about to those around her. Her greatest concern was for her children and grandchildren. She loved the Lord and wanted all of those she loved to love Him too. She served him unfailingly.
  When I was young, we lived on the family land. I saw grandma almost every day. She always had a great supply of pickles, popcorn, and ketchup. A sleepover at grandma's was a treat. The Disney chanel, Matlock, The Waltons, Little House on the Prairie or a western was always on. Every Sunday night we would go to her house for Avonlea. We would book it home from church and pile in front of the fireplace while grandpa snoozed in the chair after a healthy dose of popcorn. If we were lucky, dad would let us crash on the couch and we would sneak popsycles out of the freezer sometimes reaching over the most recent kill to get to the box. If Amy snuck one first, she would shreak!
   I could talk to grandma about anything. She never belittled my quirks or made me feel silly for the way I felt about things. I remember complaining to her about everyone always telling me how beautiful my sister was, how she always looked just so, how her hair was never out of place... I asked her, "Why does no one say that about me? Am I not pretty?" She patted my hand and said,"One day you will blossom." I asked her the other day, "Did I blossom grandma?" She did her little "ch" laugh and said,"You blossomed beautifully."
  No matter where our paths have led, there's always a path that leads back to grandma's house. She was loving and kind. She was fiesty. She was the calm in the storm. She kept the family together. She had the tenacity of a strong warrior but the gentleness to love everyone around her without question or expectation of a return of her investment. I sat by her bedside in her last hours. I thought of all the years that sped by and I was unable to come as often as I wanted. My plan to move back home didn't go exactly as I planned. That regret is strong in my mind. Every time I came to visit grandma, I felt like I stepped back in time. Nothing had changed. Grandpa and grandma were still in their chair, the sliding glass door still made a whooshing sound when it was opened, there was always a ready welcome, the smells were the same, the look was the same and the outside... well, still resembled Sanford and sons complete with guineas on the roof. I sat there trying to visualize what life would be without walking in the door and not seeing grandma in her chair, not hearing her voice on the phone or hearing her laugh. I couldn't. What I could imagine is her face when she sees her three sons that died before her or her babies she miscarried. I could see her eyes as she looked at Jesus. I could see the age in her hands disappear as she crossed into the gates. I could hear the commotion as my uncles barrelled their way through the crowd. I could almost see her look back at me and say,"It's ok Sweetie." I sat there as she struggled to breathe and decided that I wanted to send her off to Heaven by singing to her. After swallowing the lump in my throat, several times and working up my courage, I sang "Beaulah Land". I imagined that she was laying there with her eyes clothes smiling and then God pulled back the veil from her eyes and there were angels all around her bed, singing along with me. I imagined my voice fading ino the background as the angels voices got stronger. I imagined her tilting her head to the choir and seeing the host that awaited her arrival. As I held her hand, I felt as though I was holding on to her as she was inbetween this world and the next one. As she took her last breath, peace flooded my soul. It was so reassuring that she was ready, at peace and I was able to tell her "goodbye".
  Grandma is now in Heaven and I miss her. It will not be the same walking into the house and seeing her chair empty. Grandpa has slept with her in his arms for 62 years and now he sleeps alone. Her last request was that we all meet her in heaven. There is comfort in knowing you will see your loved ones again. I cannot imagine not having that peace. I'm so thankful at a young age, I asked the Lord to forgive me of my sins and save me. One day, I will see her again. I pray her last request is one that is fulfilled. It was an honor to watching the homegoing of one of my heros, sing at her bedside and at her funeral. It was a comfort to be surrounded by family and see how much she was loved. These past 6 months has been a pivitol time in my life. I feel like I have seen two faithful Christians come to the end of their journey as a visual aide of how my life should be and how I desire my earthly journey to end. The Legacy that my grandma has started will be continued on through me. I pray I can earn the praise from my children and grandchildren as she did. I pray that I will be found faithful as I am sure she did. Her last request was spoken at the end of her journey but an amazing beginning for others.

11 YEARS AGO TODAY.....

As I drove away from dropping the kids off, I thought About 11 years ago today. I didn't know that when i walked down the aisle to pledge myself to the man I thought only death would part us, that it would only last less than 10 years. I had no idea that one day I would be looking at my future and it would seem like a dark chasm. I would feel lost and instead of my world spinning out of control, I would feel as if I lost gravity and I was floating in a dark void with no direction. I had no idea that I would have a little boy and girl looking to me for guidance when I wasn't even sure what to do myself. I remember thinking that my life didn't even feel real on my wedding day and at that moment, that feeling returned. On the day I was to be married, I had no point of reference to what my life would be like and again that feeling returned when I realized we would no longer be together. On my wedding day, there was the usual drama, stress and pandemonium. The day our marriage ended, there was no one. I was alone. I sat on the grass outside and tried to find direction, to hear His voice. It felt like an injustice was done to me and to the kids. The past 9 plus years had been a waste. Then, through the rustle of the leaves, the coolness of the breeze and the noises all around me, it was if a bigger picture was revealed to me. The confusion was still there, the pain was still present, he was still gone but I knew I wasn't really alone. The decision that was made wasn't the "Lords will" for my life but I knew it would all serve a purpose. 

Today, as I drove away, the song "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe came on. I do not believe it was a coincidence. I could feel His purpose for my life even stronger today than ever. I know where I'm going. I know who I will be traveling with. I know that what I have gone through has a purpose. At the time, none of it made sense. At the time, it hurt with no mercy. At the time, the impossibility of my situation loomed. Now, now, I can see that there was a path before me. At first, it was too dark to see. Each step, I took in faith. Each step, I was terrified I would fall. Every time I placed my foot, I had to get my balance again. I felt as if I was learning to walk all over again. I would walk into church and feel like I would hyperventilate. I would will my eyes to close at night so sleep would come to give me some peace from my worries and fears. But now, I go to church and I feel at home. I close my eyes and rest in peace. I know that God went through that dark chasm before I took my first step. He had a plan to make the mess I called my life into something remarkable. 11 years ago today, as I took the first steps down that aisle, I was taking steps towards who I am today. God has proved himself time and time again though He didn't need to, He did it for me. That void became an amazing new life. There has been incredible struggles but His plan for me is slowly being revealed. There are still times when the life I had before comes back in a rush. There are times when I look at my kids and grieve for what they will never know. There is also the knowledge that new people will come into to their lives that will enrich their lives far more than I would had ever thought. No matter what, God is with me. There will never be a time that He doesn't love me and be there to guide me in my journey. I am not where I thought I would be back then but I know where I am heading now. I find comfort in that and excitement that it is up to "us" where we go from here. 11 years ago today marked the timeline of my life but my life didn't end when my marriage did. It started me on a path that has been slowly revealed to me. Each day a little more light has been cast in my path and the scary shadows that danced in the darkness are now taking shape to reveal beauty all around me. The journey I thought I would travel alone I have found that I have people all around me shining their light along the way. I am walking towards a new light, a new life and no matter what happens, I know I am not alone.