PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE

  One of the hardest things I've ever done is parent my kids through my divorce. It has been harder than walking away from a detrimental relationship, a church I loved and even telling my family what the truth was in my marriage. It was harder than receiving a 5 page hand written letter blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong in my marriage and his family's life. It was harder than having people I thought loved me, turn their back on me or "break fellowship" with me so their name wouldn't be lumped in with mine. It was harder than showing up to church acting as if nothing was wrong. It was harder than helping other people manage their heartbreak when I could hardly breathe through mine. Some people may not understand how parenting through divorce could be so difficult but the ones that have been there or are there, get it completely!

  From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.

  This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.

  You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.

  I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.

 When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.

 The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.

LEAVE ME ALONE

 Most Sunday mornings I try to play music that will help get my spirit right and prepare my heart for church. This past Sunday I had taken a shower and had pressed play on one of my favorite Mandisa songs, "That's what scars are for" and I had a little one knocking on the door telling me she put the dog up so we could get dressed and not worry about accidents. By the time I deciphered what she was saying I missed the song. I pressed replay and started to dry my hair just to hear the puppy whining at my door. I could have swore that the little one just told me the puppy was on her crate! How in the world will we ever crate train this dog if they don't quit popping her in and out of her crate without taking her out?! I chased down the culprit and reprimanded her for letting the dog out again. (The same situation happened the day before, several times. They ask their dad when they know I will say no and he hasn't learned their game yet) I was beyond frustrated at this point. All I want to do it get dressed for church. For church, people! I start drying my hair since I have officially missed the entire sone THREE times at this point. I hear the girls beating the other bathroom door trying to talk to their dad while he's in the shower. Seriously? Is the sky falling? Am I not speaking clearly? LET US GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH! I find out what the problem is and herd them back to their rooms to tidy up and finish getting their clothes and shoes on, which I put together on the floor, even with the the shoes laid out so they will end up on the right feet and the bow pinned on each dress. They can't find their shoes. Really? You can't find your shoes but your found your dress right beside the shoes?

 Again, I go back to the bathroom. My hair has started to dry all crazy with product in it and it wildly bouncing around on top of my head while I'm barking orders and trying not to lose my temper. I dry my hair and hear my husband come out of the bathroom and is telling the girls something opposite of what I just said, oh my word! Breathe! Just breathe!

  I take a deep breath and press play for the fourth time. The first verse goes by as I'm applying my makeup. I start singing with the chorus. I jumped back in time and was at my little house in Durham singing the same song. I was getting ready to go to church and feeling quite defeated. I heard my roommate in the other room and felt wistful that I was hearing my future husband instead. I heard the kids getting ready and talking to each other like they were sharing a secret of great importance. I wondered if my ex would fight me on going through the child support enforcement since he was holding some of the child support as ransom. The burden of the kids innocence was feeling heavier by the day. I was singing the song and remembering the various scars I had on my body and on my heart. I felt so lonely and somewhat alone to carry the burdens that I had. What I wouldn't give for some happy chaos.

  Ashamed of my earlier reaction to such trivial things washed all over me. I was singing this song and hearing my happy chaos and instead of being thankful for where I am at, I was trying not to lose my temper. I wasn't being grateful for my scars mending and my new life and the challenges it has presented. I have felt quite overwhelmed. I haven't even written much in my blog at all. I didn't want to reveal too much of my heart for fear someone would take it wrong.

  For all the step-parenting books out there, I haven't found one that walks me through my day. I haven't found one that helps me cope with the hatred I feel at times for our exes. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for forgiveness for my thoughts and emotions regarding our exes and at times my stepchildren. They are a reflection of their parents. Sometimes, a child can look exactly like their parent. Therefore, we live with his ex (and mine). One looks just like her and one acts just like her. She is everywhere. She texts and calls him more than I do and I fight with my feelings towards her. I fight with my feelings towards my ex as well. We are currently going through our lawyers to have a written custody order. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. We have some very emotional girls that I don't relate to in regards to those emotions. We have to maintain a balance of structure and standards without making them feel as if the other parent is wrong or being downed by our actions. Yet, while the kids are not with us, everything we have built with them and have established feels like it's being undone. Overwhelmed doesn't even cover it. On top of it all, one of my best girlfriends is MIA and I miss her like a would miss a sister. I pray for her often and pray if I did something thoughtless, I could figure out what it was and make it right.  I don't want anyone to think I am airing my dirty laundry or complaining about my adventure I am currently on. It's just the beginning of... a little bit of everything and it takes time to get your mind and heart in gear.
  We are Christians. We don't turn the other cheek for something we believe is worth the fight. In the case of our exes, we have to let some things go. It doesn't seem fair or just, but it is right. I am not a door mat but having my way doesn't mean that I will get the gratification I think will come. Sometimes when you get your way, you lose. I want to show that I am not who I was. I am not who the gossips say I am, as does my husband. We have risen above so much and refuse to let anyone or any circumstance drag us down now. We want to show Whose we are by our lives, reactions and direction. Do you know how hard that is when you are dealing with people that hate you, even if it is unjust? Those same people know your "buttons". They have power and pull with the little people you love most in the world. They know that you will not jeopardize those babies security for anything in the world and use that against you, sometimes every chance they get. Tell me how cool you would be...
  Instead of losing my temper to the emotions I was fighting, the fear of what is inevitably looming with my ex, the whining dog, the children knocking on the door and my husband giving opposite marching orders while I was trying to get my spirit right, I felt in my heart, LEAVE ME ALONE! Don't try to take away my happiness! Don't try to make me feel so overwhelmed that I can't enjoy the every day things. Don't try to make me feel alone again. Don't make me feel... Any kind of way. You aren't welcome here! That spirit left me. That negative, "bitey", overwhelmed and emotional spirit was replaced by peace and some common sense. I saw the situation for what it was and left the chaos I had felt behind as I left my bathroom and finished locating the items that were previously laid out the day before that were now crammed in the toy box and in the wrong drawer. I slid on my prettiest,  sparkly, 4" heels, draped my pearls across my neck and set out for church with a renewed purpose in my heart.

JUST A MOM

  The other day, I was sitting in a meeting full of women and someone had made the statement of "just being a mommy". The lady that spoke worked outside the home and was speaking about how our minds can be used against us. When she said that phrase, a lady sitting in front of me looked down for a minute. It was a big tell. I asked later if she was a stay at home mom, she was.
  My heart just felt so heavy for her. I wanted to take her to the side and give her a pep talk. I cannot stand for someone to imply that being "just a mom" or being a stay at home mom isn't a big job. YES IT IS. I have had to work 13 hours a day and be a single parent and I've worked 24 hours a day being a stay at home mom. What isn't said is when you do stay in the home and work, you feel complete guilt when you don't do what is "expected" or don't work yourself into falling asleep on the couch every night. If you work outside the home and don't get your checklist completed, you tell yourself about the 40 hours you did get done at work that week.
  I wanted to tell her how her "invisible hands" that folded hundreds of items from the dryer, the dishes she washed, rinsed and repeated, the meals she prepared, the tears she dried, the floors she swept, vacuumed, mopped, the beds she made, the lessons taught, the heads and bodies she washed, the diapers she changed, the walls she decorated, the bathrooms she cleaned and the home she organized wasn't invisible to me. Sometimes it feels like no matter how much you clean, it doesn't matter. It feels like the work you do isn't important but it is. You get to see your children every day. You get to be the one to tuck them into bed at night. You get to be the one that teaches your kids how to make their beds, clean their rooms and brush their teeth. Sometimes, it is very thankless and to be completely honest, it gets old. There are those times when that baby looks at you like you are their world. Those times when your kids hug your neck with all their might and you know you are "it" for them. Those times your son looks at you and says, " Mom, you really ARE the best." It's those times that the mundane becomes a hurdle to jump to get those smiles, hugs and bits of encouragement. It's in those times that mountain of laundry you have to wash AGAIN isn't as bad as it seems.
I go through the same guilt now that I'm married again, stay home with my kids, help with the business and am going to be homeschooling. I've been sick for over 2 months and it makes the guilt worse. If I go through a day that I don't feel as if I have "earned my keep", I'm like a dog with a bone. I just happen to be married to a man that only cares if the bed is made and everything else is a bonus. It still doesn't matter. I seldom give myself a break.
  As a mom, you don't get holidays, weekends or even nights off. You are on call 24/7 and you don't get a physical check or benefits for the work you do. You are seldom thanked for wiping a 3 year olds bottom for the umpteenth time in a day. No one puts a gold star on YOUR chart because you go to the bathroom to make sure it's tidy for the 2, 768th time that day and again it looks like a puppy has gotten into the toilet paper and the trash can has been overturned. The 5 towels that were neatly hanging on their hooks have new been blown off their hooks and the door that is the gateway to a magical wonderland of bows, hair things is and all the extras for the bathroom is standing open and random things are disheveled, opened or spilled. Their is toothpaste on the sink, under the medicine cabinet, caked in the shower curtain and under the drawer pull and now on my hand. Their is a even tile now missing in the bathroom. I find myself wondering if they have magic powers that they may turn into little tornadoes when they come into the bathroom. I will never wear socks again into the bathroom that our children use. Ever. The rug is squishy wet and they haven't even taken baths yet. What in the world?!? No one knows how many times you truly clean up after your children and utter the same instructions daily. But, hat box in the living room that I keep forgetting to take to Goodwill, laughs at my inadequacy every time I pass it. As I'm sitting on the couch right now there are 3 bins staring at me begging me to be taken to their owners from my WEDDING. The wedding that happen several weeks ago.
  Give yourself a break! It is ok to be human. It is ok to feel like you don't want to do anything but eat and sleep all day. Your body is talking to you, listen. If all you do is play with your kids all day, every once in a while, you aren't a failure. It's called being a mom... That is human.... That accepts that humanity with pride.
   I am a mom. Whether I stay at home with my kids or work 40 hours a week, being a mom is job enough. I may not get thanks for the little things but it is my name they call when they need
something or want to talk. It is me that they will wish they could curl up in my lap one more time when life gets too much. We never know what we will say to them, how we love them or what they learn from us will impact them as adults. Being a mom is an honor. Being a mom is a reward. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom sucks when you have to be THAT mom but you do it because that's who you are and one day our kids will thank us for what we were to them.
  No one may know everything we have  done in our lifetimes but that's not why we do it. We do it because we love them. We do it because no matter how much poop that baby produces, it can never top the amount of love you feel for them. We do it because no matter how many Legos have broken the skin to the soft part of our feet, nothing can replace that little man wrapping his arms around you in front of his friends.  We do it because we needed someone to love and God gave us our kids. We do it because we are moms.

THE CHILD WHISPERER

 Last year, I met my husbands kids for the first time. They were and are full of energy and from a very different household than my children. There were some areas that I spotted right away that I could help them grow in. In my mind, I was "the child whisperer". I knew his girls didn't like vegetables or anything that resembled something good for you but with "the child whisperer" on your side, they didn't stand a chance. The first time I made supper for everyone, I had meticulously planned out the meal and timed it just right so we were sitting down to eat as Robby came home. How proud he would be of me as his girls devoured their food, including the vegetables. What do you think is the first thing they said even before I brought the food to the table? I don't like that. I don't want to eat... As I stood there with food in hand, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "But I'm the child whisperer!" My mind pleaded. I still put each thing on everyone's plate because we have to eat what is served. If it is something you do not like, you still must put a little on your plate and eat a couple bites. One of his girls decided she was NOT having it and for the next hour we had tears, hollering and finally hitting the table. I sat there with my eyes about to come out of my head as I tried to eat my food and ignore the scene. My children were staring at me and probably wondering if I was going to punish her or something else. If I was talking to anyone else, I would have explicit instructions to give them about enforcing discipline and making sure that the child wasn't rewarded for her behavior and how to prevent future outbursts. Here's the deal, I'm not her mom.
   Never met a child that didn't like you or listen to you? Become a stepparent. You will be welcoming a huge dose of reality! As a stepparent, you aren't the parent. Although in your title is the word parent, it means more of a supervisor. You do not have that bond that a parent has with their child. You do not know their history. You weren't there when they were born, took their first step and learned how to talk. You stepped in, without their consent, and started setting rules and guidelines that they've never heard of or had to adhere to. Basically, a stranger to them married their dad and is now "running things" and taking their daddy away from them, in their mind.
   You cannot imagine how many people told me that you could not be happy and have stepchildren. How awful! Wait until your kids are grown! Don't do it. You may love him but you may not love his kids. Can you imagine how overwhelming that was to me and how determined I became to make sure that didn't happen to me?
   So I'm not "the child whisperer" or Nanny 911. I'm a mom. I have a mothers heart and I know children. What complicates it is I am now the devils advocate for my husbands ex, still dealing with my own kids dad and expected to work miracles without the children's consent. It changes your thinking. It's easy to take everything personally.
 
   What I have learned is: I am not a miracle worker and I need to give myself a break. I am human. It is ok not to feel an immediate motherly bond with his kids. Love needs to be nurtured and to grow. There will be times when we ALL need space. It's ok if I feel overwhelmed. It's ok to not feel guilty I'm enjoying the house with no children in it. It's ok if we have a bad day or a bad weekend, it won't last forever. Also, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, divorced and newly married. I still have scars, emotional days and times when I have to be quiet. There are still emotions that come along with marriage and still some that remain from the past. It's ok to feel it all and sometimes all at the same time. I am not superwoman... I'll allow you time to absorb that because I needed time too.........

  Wisdom from a "child whisperer" they are little people that have emotions and struggles just like we do, they just don't understand how to process it and talk through it like we do. Take the time to learn them and see the signs when they are struggling BEFORE the meltdown occurs. Have a time when you spend time with each of them alone. I have lesson times with all the kids but at night, I lay by each one of them and talk to them about the day, plans or tell them a story, if time allows. I have found when I do this as often as I can, our time together goes smoother and they listen quite well. We have even grown to the point that everyone tries what they don't like without a tirade. AMAZING! It's slow and sometimes looks like there won't be an end but then we have a breakthrough and it's better than a trophy.
   Also, there are some things i cannot tell them. I am not their mom. One day they may remind me of that. Some things HAVE to come from their dad or mom. Sometimes all I can do is pray it will. I cannot control how different the rules are when they or my children are away so I cannot put that responsibility on myself either. All I can do is work on my own consistency and pray that they will make a choice one day that will honor what I taught them and honor the Lord.
   Child whisperer, I am not but mother I am. I can love them, in my own way and receive the love they give me in the way that works for them. They may never know everything a stepparent goes through but they will always know our home is a happy and loving place that they are always welcome.

I'M NOT THAT STRONG

 I have been complimented on how strong others perceive me but I am not that strong. I have been told, if I could just have a little bit of your courage but I am not that courageous. I struggle. I feel overwhelmed. I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel lost. I go through the same emotions that anyone else does. I am driven to follow the principles I have decided I would follow a long time ago. For some unknown reason, I am fighter of injustice and always stick up for the "under dog" even if that person is me. Being a people pleaser is a bit of a curse but if I don't stand up for myself, who will?
  I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
  My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
  Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone,  that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
  Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
  I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
  No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.

My Problems Should be OVER!

  As you know, my journey has been quite an interesting one to say the least. A lot of people think once you meet the one you are going to marry will "fix" some things that you haven't had in your other relationship. What you don't expect is the emotions and complications that come with the amazing happiness that you find.

  Once Robby and I met, I didn't expect the resentment, anger, anxiety and insecurity that would follow. Although, it made me more compassionate towards my exes wife. The anxiety of not being exactly what everyone needs all the time, not being the perfect step mom, not meeting everyone's expectations, not listening more and talking less, not being patient, not being...enough. The insecurity of the the feeling I have to compete with his past, my totally hot mom bod getting old, the wonder if me or my children will be a disappointment. The resentment of what "she" took from him and feeling that she took time away from me. The constant fight of my anger and emotions because of her being everywhere. The resentment that it wasn't me that had his first baby. It wasn't me that shared that intimate first time parent moment with your spouse. The anger of feeling like our lives are constantly disrupted by petty, selfish fits of immaturity all the while trying to remain neutral.  No one says, his kids may hate you at some point. No matter what you say, that reassurance has to come from their parents. No one says that you will grieve the kids you don't have together. Just to have all those emotions compounded with guilt because you love the kids you have. No one tells you that you will feel like a failure more times than not at first, especially when you feel like they think your mode of transportation is a broom.

Everything should be perfect and in some aspects they are. The deal is, you are dealing with children, someone that's views are distorted with anger and also "lost time". I've had to constantly remind myself to be thankful for the time that I have now. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better but I believe that you can have a happy home in your blended family. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone in this "fight". He doesn't understand why I'm emotional about things that are said, done or misunderstood. I refuse to change who I am but is that the right thing to do? Or should I be me and just almost "ignore" their ups and downs until they start to warm up to me again? You don't know what line his or your kids are being fed. You don't know what the other very verbal parent is saying that is tearing you down or if the kids are trying to manipulate you for attention. You can't resent them. They are just kids but yet you live with the chaos they leave in their wake, better yet "her" chaos. Sometimes, you feel as if you have to "pay" for her sins. A simple word or phrase said in complete innocence can trigger something from the past you didn't know was there. No one I talked to had said anything like this to me. I was clueless.

  How do you process that without losing your mind, feeling on an island or being perceived as the evil stepmother? I have personally started reading books on marriage, again, and on being a wise stepparent. If our marriage is strong, we will be a united front for when the kids start getting older and everything gets more complicated. I'm looking into getting the kids into some safe, Christian counseling, and making sure I do not taking all this personally. Divorce is SO hard. Can you imagine being a kid in it and not being able to perceive who's looking out for you and who just wants an ego boost? Some parents just want the kids angry at their ex like they are, but don't understand the lifelong damage that can do. You may have satisfaction in their anger but I can assure you, it will be short lived.

  Sometimes the "other children" will resent you because you are what their mom is not and they can't be angry at their mom because, well, she's their mom. When they hurt their dad, all you can do is being loving, kind and show them another way with your actions because at this point, your words mean nothing. Never had a child treat you with blatant disrespect? Become a stepparent. Feel Madea creeping out of you? Walk away. If you know me, you know what a challenge this truly is. Children do not comprehend that you can love and be loyal to both parents. However, some parents make their children choose sides. When they are smaller, that control is powerful. However, as they get older they will hate the parent that required the choice and the time they lost with the one that didn't make them choose.

  Having an ex, stepchildren and dealing with his ex is a constant source of growth for me, I'm growing in leaps and bounds and it is PAINFUL. Just when I think everything is over, I realize I just started a new chapter with all new characters and all new situations and opportunities to overcome and create a better me. There are so many places that I've never been that he has. There are pictures I'm not in. There are children that will never be. There are laughs I missed out on. I've had to stop and look at what I have and what we share, not what I don't have or share. There's a very good chance, I wouldn't have even liked Robby 10 years ago but I love who has become. I hate there are things I don't share with him but I would rather be with him now than not have him at all. What we went through in our lives made us who we are. The emotions are strong, real and sometimes come to me, back to back. I love the challenge and I will meet it head on. I can see how special his girls are. I can see their potential and what I believe they need. I know he is an amazing man.
 
  I can say, have to remind myself to not feel guilty for being human and not doing it all right all the time. I know he fell in love with me knowing that I am not perfect. Patience with myself is what I have to find now. Some "problems" are over. Many things are better than I could have ever hoped for. Ultimately, his kids aren't my kids to raise. They are my kids to support and give their dad another team member. I am more there for guidance than as another "parent". This has been very hard to grasp for me at first because of the lack of things they need that he can't provide. The struggle can be real but dependence on my own knowledge isn't enough. Grace, patience, understanding, prayer and not being too hard on myself is going to have to be daily goals. Sometimes, new problems, aka challenges are in store right when you least expect it but we've got this!! Breathe and know that being human isn't as bad as it seems. I'm good back up. I am a great friend. I love deeply and want the best for everyone. We are going to be family and we will learn what that means from a blended family's perspective together. Problems are also called opportunities and I am sure we will have lots of opportunities to grow and to help others in our journey.

"Remember why you chose to come together in the first place--the love that you have for your partner. Your partner's children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness." -Beth Huber

"You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come." _Kelly LeFurgey

ALL I HAVE IS ME

When I first started dating, I knew who I was and all I had to offer. I was a stay at home mom that devoted my life to my kids and their dad. I didn't have rock hard abs, money in the bank, stocks, bonds, an inheritance, a new car or even a house. It was just us. There was one thing I've always had was my word. I'm blatantly honest, sometimes to a fault. I felt as if I wasnt in the "league" like other women because I had none of those things. I had stretch marks, some adorable love handles, csection scar, and I couldn't seem to break free of my voluptuous curves. Most people out there were gym rats. I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep groceries on the table and an ounce of sanity in my head. I don't have time for anything much less the gym where I feel like I am wearing a sign that says, pitifully out of shape. I would never be on the cover of anything. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a real pedicure. I like the out of doors, gardening and anything other than shopping. What woman says that?!?

  I have no security and I'm trying to figure out what I like in general. Let's not mention trying to figure out who is legit and who is just out for a "lonely woman" that would make a great and seemingly an easy target. Doesn't that sound like a promising profile?  Accomplishments include... Getting up in the morning and not strangling the ex. Boom! Send me a smile, message or get in line!

This was a serious problem in my mind. Who would want me?!? Wait, back it up! Who wouldn't want me? Look what I have been through. I'm like a warrior with the diplomacy of Barbara Walters and the compassion of Mother Theresa. I have survived the birth of 2 children, gossip, depression, weight gain, weight loss, separation from all that I knew, the cold shoulder, being practically disowned, knowing no one believed me and only 2 witnesses to some of the "smaller incidents", joblessness, "homelessness", intimidation, moving several times, losing friends and family, raising two kids with little or no help financial or otherwise. Who wouldn't want someone someone like me? I'm an overcomer! Awesome! Amazing!

 That doesn't change the past or cover the scars or cushion the daily pains that come with being an overcomer. That doesn't make it any easier to hold my head up high and waltz out the door to greet my potential date. What do I say? I have no great travels to brag about, no hiking trips planned, no great boardroom stories to tell. I can tell you how my kids changed my world, how they taught me the art of patience, how they mysteriously forget how to clean up after themselves after bath time, how they came into this world and how they take it by storm. That my friends, is great dating conversations made to impress, says no one ever!

  All I have to offer is me. Take me as I am or not at all.  You think you won't find that person who likes your quirks and your "mom body". You think that you are the only one that thinks you are funny. You think you won't ever trust someone with your kids. You think that you won't ever laugh til you cry. You think that you will never feel like yourself again. You feel like you will always feel like an outsider. Then, when you give up hoping and praying it will happen and it does. You meet that person that loves you "as is". He laughs with you, cries with you, fights with you and loves on you. He rubs your feet and pours you something to drink. He lets you take a nap and keeps all 5 kids busy. He matches you in wit and stubbornness and its a beautiful thing. You work together, play together, wish together and will stay together. If all you have to offer is you, it is just enough for the right person. Believe me, it can happen. Don't let the people in your past, your own insecurities or the messed up world we live in convince you that you aren't a good "catch". You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are just enough.