As some of you know, I was never the little girl that dreamed about having kids. I wanted to be a cowgirl, Calamity Jane or Anne Oakley. I wanted to raise horses and monkeys rather than children. I was the son my dad never had. I was tougher than most of the boys growing up and my dad was afraid that I would be a woman's lib leader. I overheard him telling my mom that if she didn't get me "in the kitchen", no man would want someone that was better than him in everything.
When I got married as a 19 year old girl, for the first time, I had a desire to be a mom. However, I wanted to have 4 boys that would all be red headed. Yes. I had great plans...
In reality, I have 10, 9, 8, 5 and 3 year old children. 2 of which were born to me and 3 that God gave me through marriage. We have a very busy and a very full house at times. We do not have a huge house but it is enough for us. Saturday night and Sunday's are always a circus at the house. Saturday night is in preparation for church on Sunday. Almost every Saturday night our night sounds a little bit like this...
"Everyone get your pjs and panties and underwear, it's time for baths" (Since we have 5 kids, they all have a number and a color so we can keep up with who's is who's, and where it goes) #4 says, "Do I HAVE to take a baaaath? I didn't even sweat today and I took a bath yesterday." To which I respond (every time), "Yes, you must have a bath. You need a bath every day, even if you don't sweat if it's just to wash germs off your body. Besides, you sweat very easily so I believe it's safe to say, you definitely require a bath tonight." The last statement was a huge mistake. "Feel my hair. It's not even wet. I really don't need a bath. I promise." In my head I'm thinking... Did I ASK your opinion? No. I said take a bath but out of my mouth I say, "#4, you have to take a bath. You may take it with a smile or with a frown but you will be getting into the tub first so you can get it out of the way."
No sooner than this conversation ends, #5 comes to inform me she will NOT be taking a bath. Her favorite sentence is "I don't want to." "What did I say? I don't care if you want to. You go get into the tub." "I DONT WANT TO!", she wails. My husband will try to convince them to take a bath. I, on the other hand, will tell them to do it immediately or be punished and then they will still have to do it. I can hear him in there trying to soothe her and talk her into the tub. Either she got into the tub of her own will or was lifted over the edge due to her inability to bend her knees at this present moment. She's now crying and standing in the tub determined she will NOT be bathed. I round the corner and see her standing there with tears streaming down her face. I give her a look that says I mean business and tell my husband that I will take care of it. He leaves and I pick up the rag, ignoring her insistence and tell her she only has the option to sit down and take a bath. #4 and 5 are still young enough that they still take their baths together. It's helpful for me as well. Most of the time, I will talk to them, ask them about their week or tell them stories. Depending on the time, I may get right down to scrubbing. In this instance, I am wetting hair and scrubbing "clean" bodies as fast as I can. As I am bathing #4 and 5, #2 ALWAYS comes and finds me with a look that her dog just died, and says the same thing. "I can't find my pjs." "Did you look in your drawers?", I reply while counting to a hundred in my head. "Yes. I looked in my top drawer." I let the air out slowly and ask, "Did you try looking in ALL your drawers?" She smiles at me and turns around to find the mysterious pjs that continually crawl out of her drawers every weekend and hide just long enough for her to tell me she cannot find them. As I'm finishing up #4 and 5, #2 again makes her appearance. There are no pjs in her hands OR panties... "I cannot find anything in my drawers." I have now moved up to counting to a thousand. I'm telling myself in between numbers to not lose my cool. I walk her through the correct way to search her magic drawers that eat her clothes every weekend. We go into the bedroom and there are random clothes and things in these magic drawers. Apparently, the toys and clothes are fighting when we leave the room and they have had some of each cross enemy lines and have been captured because some are in the closet and some in the drawers. The very FIRST place I look, I find pjs (several) and enough panties to clothe the Cabarrus county Jr cheer squads. Before I could cross the threshold of her room to go back towards the bathroom, #1 comes up to me. "We are taking baths???? Do I have to take a bath?" He says "I" like he is a king on the throne and he couldn't possibly come to the commoners domain to wash his royal self. "Yes sir you do. You also get to wash your face, put on moisturizer and brush your teeth. Isn't that awesome?" He looks at me with a smirk on his face and turns back towards his room in defeat. #3 has yet to make an appearance because it is in her tactical plan for me to be so busy that I do not realize she has not yet bathed. She's the only one of the 5 that doesn't mind a bath, most of the time. However, #3 is the mom of the group. She wants to instruct everyone else about how to bathe and when it's their turn. I can hear her in the little ones room saying, "Where's your brush? Your hair looks like rats have lived there. You didn't clean your room either. You better do that before mom comes in here." She is our little mother. Bossy but a little mother.
"#2! Go hop in the shower." What seems like a week later, I hear the water still running and I go into the bathroom to see if she has fallen and knocked the sense out of her head as for the explanation of why she would still have the water running for that length of time. "Whatcha doing?" She responds, "I'm brushing my hair while there is conditioner on it and I cannot get all the tangles out." Have you washed your body? "Not yet." I have now counted to 300,479. "#2, if it is going to take you that long to comb through your hair, please do everything else first, shut off the water, comb through your hair and THEN turn the water back on and rinse. #1 or 3 hasn't gotten to take a bath/shower yet.
I then start trolling the hallway handing out vitamins and instructions to finish up our evening. I think to myself, who's in the shower now. I walk into the bathroom and find #2 STILL in the bathroom soaking wet. What in blue blazes could she be doing? "Um.... #2, why are you still in the bathroom? We have 5 kids to get in and out and you are still in. It took me less time to bathe your sisters than it is taking you." I hear a scramble around the corner of the bathroom, "oh I'm done." I realize I'm holding my breath and I let it out. "Good! So, you took a shower, washed your face and brushed your teeth?" "I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth." Heavenly Father up above, PLEASE help these children to live to see their next birthday. At this point my speech is slow and deliberate. "Why did you not wash your face and brush your teeth?" "You didn't tell me to." 536,284... 536,285... "Every time you take a bath or shower here, do you wash your face and brush your teeth as well?" She's smiling at this point and I am not. "Yes." "So, why would I have to tell you in order for you to do it? You know it must be done." She then goes into the bathroom to finish up. #1 and 3 believe they have gotten through the day with no bath. They have BOTH jumped into bed of their own volition and are saying their prayers like spiritual warriors. If I listened closely, they are probably beseeching Jesus to intercede for them with me and make me tell them no baths for the day.
At this point of the night, #2, 4 and 5 must call their mother. I never know when this may be going down but I hear ruckus and I have already told #4 and 5 to get into bed and wait for us to tuck them in. Get them all into bed is like herding chickens. By the time you have gotten one in the pin, the other 4 have gotten loose. I'm barking orders while they are talking to their mom! I know I sounded like a drill sergeant and she probably thinks I'm killing her kids. While I'm kicking myself for not checking what was really going on before I barge into the room and assuming they are disobeying, I'm now locating my little prayer warriors. "#3, go hop into the shower. Take a quick shower but do it correctly." #3 gets into the shower but must sing what she's doing, I mean everything. #2, 4, and 5 are done talking to their mom and I am trying to tidy up from the hurricane Hancock that blows in every day. They have been told they can read a book until their dad and I come in the finish tucking them in but they must not leave their beds. I hear footsteps down the hallway. They aren't man footsteps they are the steps of a disobedient child that will get no birthday presents next year. "What are we going to do tomorrow?"
A little bit about me, there's only so long I can refrain from being sarcastic and then My head explodes. I can only count but SO high! This child has escaped a huge 6' tall man, 4 other children who are warning her as she is passing their bedrooms and she lands in the kitchen like she hasn't a care in the world. I pause in disbelief at the sight before my eyes. I'm sure my eyes have flames bursting out of them and when I talk little bursts of smoke come out through my teeth I am trying to un-clench. "Do you have an emergency? Is some thing deathly wrong with you? Did I speak English when I gave you instructions to look at a book until I came back to your room to tuck you in?" The disobedient offender has taken off down the hall with a gallop like I'm after her with a paddle before I can finish my rhetorical questions.
#3 has finished her shower and is singing her way into her bedroom. #1 is faking sleep after his ultra spiritual prayer life had to come to a halt. "#1, go get in the shower really quickly. It's past bedtime and church is tomorrow." THIRTY seconds later he is emerging from the bathroom claiming he is clean. Smell me. I'm clean. I am just really fast." Even if he just jumped in and counted to 5, I just want them all in bed. I walk into the bathroom and look around. Apparently, a tiny drone with miniature bombs big enough to destroy a very small space without disrupting anyone in the next room. There is toothpaste on the sink, UNDER the mirror, on every conceivable item on the surface of the sink, on the floor and even on the shower curtain. There is a mound of towels that looked like they are trying to hide a body with in the middle of the room along with 5 sets of clothes. Apparently, there was temporary paralysis to everyone that entered the bathroom and until they left, they wouldn't regain use of their extremities. There is rags and lufa's piled in the tub or dripping off the side of the tub. My foot squishes as I step to a "safe zone", otherwise called the rug. The toilet seat is up and must have been on fire. Why else would it be wet on every square inch? There is toilet paper in little bitty pieces on the floor that is now soaking wet. Half a roll is in the trash can and the piece that was hanging down has now been taken captive by the dog and there is a trail, she doesn't realize I can follow, and she is playing in the middle of it. "What in the world?" I say in utter disbelief and just loud enough for the refugees to hear. The movement and whispering I heard before that moment stopped immediately. "Oh!" #1 says like the light bulb just went off. "Hey mom, Um, I forgot my,,, uh." He looks into the bathroom and what he missed earlier. I'm just assuming he was struck with blindness and temporary paralysis moments before and the veil has been miraculous lifted from his eyes. He sheepishly and quickly grabs his things and I summon the remainder of the refugees to do clean up on this battle zone.
Finally, everyone is in their beds. Prayers, snuggles and bear hugs have been given, in some cases multiple times. We sit on the couch and hear that dreaded sound that every parent knows so well, footsteps down the hallway, AGAIN, but that story is for another time!!
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
WHAT DID I ASK YOU TO DO?
This weekend we celebrated my son's 10th birthday! I cannot believe I have a kid in double digits! I picked up one of his friends that he had at his school in Durham, we had the girls and my mom and her husband as well. We had a total of 6 kids, 4 adults and our near perfect "baby", Bitsy. The house was full. There were people everywhere. My mom and her husband slept at our house instead taking the of a comfort a kid free room and a bed that felt like a cloud that his parents offered and piled in with us. Bless them! My daughter even talked my mom into letting her share her twin bed while her husband slept on the pop up trundle beside them.
The next morning we decided we would make the kids pancakes and let them eat so we could have some adult conversation and could eat in peace. The children ate 2-4 pancakes a piece and were released to go outside while we got our meal finished and table set. My mom and I play music while we cook. She had been wanting me to hear a song that she said reminded her of my grandpa that passed away before she was remarried. She started the song and the first couple notes were played and a child emerges in front of me with the most pertinent of questions. Can I play with the puppy??
"What did I ask you to do while the adults ate?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast."
The song is still playing in the background of the door opening and shutting and in that small window of opportunity another child comes into the house. Can we ride four wheelers? "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast." So... We can't ride four wheelers? At that point "the look" was administered.
Mom started laughing and said, "I don't know why I thought you could listen to an entire song." Welcome to my world! We started the song again and almost made it through the entire thing. We put the finishing touches to our breakfast and called the men inside. We said the prayer and began to eat. The door burst open and I heard "Chloe is hurt and she needs you right now!!" What happened? "I think she got hit in the head by the soccer ball!" Is her head still attached? Is she bleeding? Is she walking and talking, then she can come inside and let me look at her. The door slams and we try to continue our conversation. During this time, I notice our puppy running back and forth from one of the girls rooms to my room. I put a little bell on her because she is so small, we can find her and won't step on her. That bell is jingling as hard as it can. I'm telling stories about the kids and about every 2 minutes she's running like the devil is chasing her. Her back is hunched over and her tail is tucked beneath her body and her ears are flopping. The door flies open and Chloe come stomping in and down the hallway. She isn't happy I didn't run to her aid. SLAM! The door shut once again. Jingle, jingle, jingle the dogs collar goes as she is flying across the hallway once again. Apparently she has gotten into one of the rooms that she isn't supposed to be and is running around in victory of stealing a toy. I start back into my story, yet again and the door chimes again, "front door". "They won't let me have the bike! Daddy said he would teach me how to ride without training wheels!" Excuse me. "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating? Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast. We will fix it all then." The dog runs across, once again. I believe we were able to get through several bites and the littlest one comes in with pure panic on her face. Patenna (McKenna) fell down and is bweeding! "Oh Lord! Can she walk? Ask her to come inside." She tan't walk, she's BWEEDING! As if on queue, the puppy runs across and back again as if in emphasis of he impending doom that awaited us.
Robby jumps up and comes to her aid. She had fallen while using her roller blades and skinned her "bad eh-bow" (she broke her elbow a few months back, yes you can do that). She had a spot of blood on her elbow and she was walking but acted as though she needed a wheelchair. I took a deep breath and looked at mom and David. We all just started laughing. What a nice relaxing breakfast we were having. I started winking and twitching like I was starting to get a tick. No sooner than my sarcasm overtakes me, one more child comes through and asks about something that was not an emergency. I didn't even respond. We just all started moving in different directions showing our defeat trying to get some peace and the guys went outside to play with the kids while we cleaned up from breakfast as the dog runs back across the hallway.
I did find out why she was acting so crazy. She had gotten into the girls room and stole a stuffed baby puppy. She thought she had done something big! Mom and I cleaned up and watched the kids play and learn how to ride their bike without training wheels. The boys threw the football and the girls painted on the hammock. It looked so peaceful to watch them play outside. Looks can be deceiving. The morning was pure chaos. When they are gone, we miss it.
I have never in my life been on such an emotional roller coaster. Either they are in tears or I am most weekends. I feel like we should have this figured out by now but as my own sweet guardian angel and mom of 4 told me, we just started. I can't expect to have figured anything out yet and that is ok. There's so many things no one could ever understand that is going on behind the scenes. The accusations and tears, the emotional children being told to keep secrets and using the children's fears to get what they want. Dealing with emotional abuse and fearing what's going on that we don't know about. Knowing that the only power we have is prayer and not liking the feeling of having no control. Prayer can change things but it's hard to let that be your secret weapon. From the outside it looks like you are "taking" what's being dished out. It's humbling.
You may not can get through 5 minutes without some sort of "emergency " or one week without a lawyer calling or a threat from your ex but it's ok. Sometimes the hardest, most challenging and craziest things are what helps us be who we need to be. Sometimes it's the unexpected emotions that make us realize it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't reflect badly on your mothering skills to have a revolving door, it means your children are human and so are you. It's ok to want to hide in the closet and put a sign on the door that reads "Out of the office". Hang up your superwoman cape. She is only real in comics and movies. Just breathe. Plaster a smile on your face, force yourself not to scream at your children and remember that in moments they will not be right down the hall and forgetting to shut their doors. The dog won't be stealing their toys, she'll be whining by their doors because they don't live their anymore. Enjoy the chaos and smile through the tears. Besides, it all makes for a great story!
The next morning we decided we would make the kids pancakes and let them eat so we could have some adult conversation and could eat in peace. The children ate 2-4 pancakes a piece and were released to go outside while we got our meal finished and table set. My mom and I play music while we cook. She had been wanting me to hear a song that she said reminded her of my grandpa that passed away before she was remarried. She started the song and the first couple notes were played and a child emerges in front of me with the most pertinent of questions. Can I play with the puppy??
"What did I ask you to do while the adults ate?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast."
The song is still playing in the background of the door opening and shutting and in that small window of opportunity another child comes into the house. Can we ride four wheelers? "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast." So... We can't ride four wheelers? At that point "the look" was administered.
Mom started laughing and said, "I don't know why I thought you could listen to an entire song." Welcome to my world! We started the song again and almost made it through the entire thing. We put the finishing touches to our breakfast and called the men inside. We said the prayer and began to eat. The door burst open and I heard "Chloe is hurt and she needs you right now!!" What happened? "I think she got hit in the head by the soccer ball!" Is her head still attached? Is she bleeding? Is she walking and talking, then she can come inside and let me look at her. The door slams and we try to continue our conversation. During this time, I notice our puppy running back and forth from one of the girls rooms to my room. I put a little bell on her because she is so small, we can find her and won't step on her. That bell is jingling as hard as it can. I'm telling stories about the kids and about every 2 minutes she's running like the devil is chasing her. Her back is hunched over and her tail is tucked beneath her body and her ears are flopping. The door flies open and Chloe come stomping in and down the hallway. She isn't happy I didn't run to her aid. SLAM! The door shut once again. Jingle, jingle, jingle the dogs collar goes as she is flying across the hallway once again. Apparently she has gotten into one of the rooms that she isn't supposed to be and is running around in victory of stealing a toy. I start back into my story, yet again and the door chimes again, "front door". "They won't let me have the bike! Daddy said he would teach me how to ride without training wheels!" Excuse me. "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating? Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast. We will fix it all then." The dog runs across, once again. I believe we were able to get through several bites and the littlest one comes in with pure panic on her face. Patenna (McKenna) fell down and is bweeding! "Oh Lord! Can she walk? Ask her to come inside." She tan't walk, she's BWEEDING! As if on queue, the puppy runs across and back again as if in emphasis of he impending doom that awaited us.
Robby jumps up and comes to her aid. She had fallen while using her roller blades and skinned her "bad eh-bow" (she broke her elbow a few months back, yes you can do that). She had a spot of blood on her elbow and she was walking but acted as though she needed a wheelchair. I took a deep breath and looked at mom and David. We all just started laughing. What a nice relaxing breakfast we were having. I started winking and twitching like I was starting to get a tick. No sooner than my sarcasm overtakes me, one more child comes through and asks about something that was not an emergency. I didn't even respond. We just all started moving in different directions showing our defeat trying to get some peace and the guys went outside to play with the kids while we cleaned up from breakfast as the dog runs back across the hallway.
I did find out why she was acting so crazy. She had gotten into the girls room and stole a stuffed baby puppy. She thought she had done something big! Mom and I cleaned up and watched the kids play and learn how to ride their bike without training wheels. The boys threw the football and the girls painted on the hammock. It looked so peaceful to watch them play outside. Looks can be deceiving. The morning was pure chaos. When they are gone, we miss it.
I have never in my life been on such an emotional roller coaster. Either they are in tears or I am most weekends. I feel like we should have this figured out by now but as my own sweet guardian angel and mom of 4 told me, we just started. I can't expect to have figured anything out yet and that is ok. There's so many things no one could ever understand that is going on behind the scenes. The accusations and tears, the emotional children being told to keep secrets and using the children's fears to get what they want. Dealing with emotional abuse and fearing what's going on that we don't know about. Knowing that the only power we have is prayer and not liking the feeling of having no control. Prayer can change things but it's hard to let that be your secret weapon. From the outside it looks like you are "taking" what's being dished out. It's humbling.
You may not can get through 5 minutes without some sort of "emergency " or one week without a lawyer calling or a threat from your ex but it's ok. Sometimes the hardest, most challenging and craziest things are what helps us be who we need to be. Sometimes it's the unexpected emotions that make us realize it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't reflect badly on your mothering skills to have a revolving door, it means your children are human and so are you. It's ok to want to hide in the closet and put a sign on the door that reads "Out of the office". Hang up your superwoman cape. She is only real in comics and movies. Just breathe. Plaster a smile on your face, force yourself not to scream at your children and remember that in moments they will not be right down the hall and forgetting to shut their doors. The dog won't be stealing their toys, she'll be whining by their doors because they don't live their anymore. Enjoy the chaos and smile through the tears. Besides, it all makes for a great story!
Monday, August 31, 2015
PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE
One of the hardest things I've ever done is parent my kids through my divorce. It has been harder than walking away from a detrimental relationship, a church I loved and even telling my family what the truth was in my marriage. It was harder than receiving a 5 page hand written letter blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong in my marriage and his family's life. It was harder than having people I thought loved me, turn their back on me or "break fellowship" with me so their name wouldn't be lumped in with mine. It was harder than showing up to church acting as if nothing was wrong. It was harder than helping other people manage their heartbreak when I could hardly breathe through mine. Some people may not understand how parenting through divorce could be so difficult but the ones that have been there or are there, get it completely!
From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.
This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.
You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.
I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.
When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.
The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.
From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.
This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.
You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.
I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.
When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.
The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.
Monday, August 24, 2015
LEAVE ME ALONE
Most Sunday mornings I try to play music that will help get my spirit right and prepare my heart for church. This past Sunday I had taken a shower and had pressed play on one of my favorite Mandisa songs, "That's what scars are for" and I had a little one knocking on the door telling me she put the dog up so we could get dressed and not worry about accidents. By the time I deciphered what she was saying I missed the song. I pressed replay and started to dry my hair just to hear the puppy whining at my door. I could have swore that the little one just told me the puppy was on her crate! How in the world will we ever crate train this dog if they don't quit popping her in and out of her crate without taking her out?! I chased down the culprit and reprimanded her for letting the dog out again. (The same situation happened the day before, several times. They ask their dad when they know I will say no and he hasn't learned their game yet) I was beyond frustrated at this point. All I want to do it get dressed for church. For church, people! I start drying my hair since I have officially missed the entire sone THREE times at this point. I hear the girls beating the other bathroom door trying to talk to their dad while he's in the shower. Seriously? Is the sky falling? Am I not speaking clearly? LET US GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH! I find out what the problem is and herd them back to their rooms to tidy up and finish getting their clothes and shoes on, which I put together on the floor, even with the the shoes laid out so they will end up on the right feet and the bow pinned on each dress. They can't find their shoes. Really? You can't find your shoes but your found your dress right beside the shoes?
Again, I go back to the bathroom. My hair has started to dry all crazy with product in it and it wildly bouncing around on top of my head while I'm barking orders and trying not to lose my temper. I dry my hair and hear my husband come out of the bathroom and is telling the girls something opposite of what I just said, oh my word! Breathe! Just breathe!
I take a deep breath and press play for the fourth time. The first verse goes by as I'm applying my makeup. I start singing with the chorus. I jumped back in time and was at my little house in Durham singing the same song. I was getting ready to go to church and feeling quite defeated. I heard my roommate in the other room and felt wistful that I was hearing my future husband instead. I heard the kids getting ready and talking to each other like they were sharing a secret of great importance. I wondered if my ex would fight me on going through the child support enforcement since he was holding some of the child support as ransom. The burden of the kids innocence was feeling heavier by the day. I was singing the song and remembering the various scars I had on my body and on my heart. I felt so lonely and somewhat alone to carry the burdens that I had. What I wouldn't give for some happy chaos.
Ashamed of my earlier reaction to such trivial things washed all over me. I was singing this song and hearing my happy chaos and instead of being thankful for where I am at, I was trying not to lose my temper. I wasn't being grateful for my scars mending and my new life and the challenges it has presented. I have felt quite overwhelmed. I haven't even written much in my blog at all. I didn't want to reveal too much of my heart for fear someone would take it wrong.
For all the step-parenting books out there, I haven't found one that walks me through my day. I haven't found one that helps me cope with the hatred I feel at times for our exes. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for forgiveness for my thoughts and emotions regarding our exes and at times my stepchildren. They are a reflection of their parents. Sometimes, a child can look exactly like their parent. Therefore, we live with his ex (and mine). One looks just like her and one acts just like her. She is everywhere. She texts and calls him more than I do and I fight with my feelings towards her. I fight with my feelings towards my ex as well. We are currently going through our lawyers to have a written custody order. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. We have some very emotional girls that I don't relate to in regards to those emotions. We have to maintain a balance of structure and standards without making them feel as if the other parent is wrong or being downed by our actions. Yet, while the kids are not with us, everything we have built with them and have established feels like it's being undone. Overwhelmed doesn't even cover it. On top of it all, one of my best girlfriends is MIA and I miss her like a would miss a sister. I pray for her often and pray if I did something thoughtless, I could figure out what it was and make it right. I don't want anyone to think I am airing my dirty laundry or complaining about my adventure I am currently on. It's just the beginning of... a little bit of everything and it takes time to get your mind and heart in gear.
We are Christians. We don't turn the other cheek for something we believe is worth the fight. In the case of our exes, we have to let some things go. It doesn't seem fair or just, but it is right. I am not a door mat but having my way doesn't mean that I will get the gratification I think will come. Sometimes when you get your way, you lose. I want to show that I am not who I was. I am not who the gossips say I am, as does my husband. We have risen above so much and refuse to let anyone or any circumstance drag us down now. We want to show Whose we are by our lives, reactions and direction. Do you know how hard that is when you are dealing with people that hate you, even if it is unjust? Those same people know your "buttons". They have power and pull with the little people you love most in the world. They know that you will not jeopardize those babies security for anything in the world and use that against you, sometimes every chance they get. Tell me how cool you would be...
Instead of losing my temper to the emotions I was fighting, the fear of what is inevitably looming with my ex, the whining dog, the children knocking on the door and my husband giving opposite marching orders while I was trying to get my spirit right, I felt in my heart, LEAVE ME ALONE! Don't try to take away my happiness! Don't try to make me feel so overwhelmed that I can't enjoy the every day things. Don't try to make me feel alone again. Don't make me feel... Any kind of way. You aren't welcome here! That spirit left me. That negative, "bitey", overwhelmed and emotional spirit was replaced by peace and some common sense. I saw the situation for what it was and left the chaos I had felt behind as I left my bathroom and finished locating the items that were previously laid out the day before that were now crammed in the toy box and in the wrong drawer. I slid on my prettiest, sparkly, 4" heels, draped my pearls across my neck and set out for church with a renewed purpose in my heart.
Again, I go back to the bathroom. My hair has started to dry all crazy with product in it and it wildly bouncing around on top of my head while I'm barking orders and trying not to lose my temper. I dry my hair and hear my husband come out of the bathroom and is telling the girls something opposite of what I just said, oh my word! Breathe! Just breathe!
I take a deep breath and press play for the fourth time. The first verse goes by as I'm applying my makeup. I start singing with the chorus. I jumped back in time and was at my little house in Durham singing the same song. I was getting ready to go to church and feeling quite defeated. I heard my roommate in the other room and felt wistful that I was hearing my future husband instead. I heard the kids getting ready and talking to each other like they were sharing a secret of great importance. I wondered if my ex would fight me on going through the child support enforcement since he was holding some of the child support as ransom. The burden of the kids innocence was feeling heavier by the day. I was singing the song and remembering the various scars I had on my body and on my heart. I felt so lonely and somewhat alone to carry the burdens that I had. What I wouldn't give for some happy chaos.
Ashamed of my earlier reaction to such trivial things washed all over me. I was singing this song and hearing my happy chaos and instead of being thankful for where I am at, I was trying not to lose my temper. I wasn't being grateful for my scars mending and my new life and the challenges it has presented. I have felt quite overwhelmed. I haven't even written much in my blog at all. I didn't want to reveal too much of my heart for fear someone would take it wrong.
For all the step-parenting books out there, I haven't found one that walks me through my day. I haven't found one that helps me cope with the hatred I feel at times for our exes. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for forgiveness for my thoughts and emotions regarding our exes and at times my stepchildren. They are a reflection of their parents. Sometimes, a child can look exactly like their parent. Therefore, we live with his ex (and mine). One looks just like her and one acts just like her. She is everywhere. She texts and calls him more than I do and I fight with my feelings towards her. I fight with my feelings towards my ex as well. We are currently going through our lawyers to have a written custody order. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. We have some very emotional girls that I don't relate to in regards to those emotions. We have to maintain a balance of structure and standards without making them feel as if the other parent is wrong or being downed by our actions. Yet, while the kids are not with us, everything we have built with them and have established feels like it's being undone. Overwhelmed doesn't even cover it. On top of it all, one of my best girlfriends is MIA and I miss her like a would miss a sister. I pray for her often and pray if I did something thoughtless, I could figure out what it was and make it right. I don't want anyone to think I am airing my dirty laundry or complaining about my adventure I am currently on. It's just the beginning of... a little bit of everything and it takes time to get your mind and heart in gear.
We are Christians. We don't turn the other cheek for something we believe is worth the fight. In the case of our exes, we have to let some things go. It doesn't seem fair or just, but it is right. I am not a door mat but having my way doesn't mean that I will get the gratification I think will come. Sometimes when you get your way, you lose. I want to show that I am not who I was. I am not who the gossips say I am, as does my husband. We have risen above so much and refuse to let anyone or any circumstance drag us down now. We want to show Whose we are by our lives, reactions and direction. Do you know how hard that is when you are dealing with people that hate you, even if it is unjust? Those same people know your "buttons". They have power and pull with the little people you love most in the world. They know that you will not jeopardize those babies security for anything in the world and use that against you, sometimes every chance they get. Tell me how cool you would be...
Instead of losing my temper to the emotions I was fighting, the fear of what is inevitably looming with my ex, the whining dog, the children knocking on the door and my husband giving opposite marching orders while I was trying to get my spirit right, I felt in my heart, LEAVE ME ALONE! Don't try to take away my happiness! Don't try to make me feel so overwhelmed that I can't enjoy the every day things. Don't try to make me feel alone again. Don't make me feel... Any kind of way. You aren't welcome here! That spirit left me. That negative, "bitey", overwhelmed and emotional spirit was replaced by peace and some common sense. I saw the situation for what it was and left the chaos I had felt behind as I left my bathroom and finished locating the items that were previously laid out the day before that were now crammed in the toy box and in the wrong drawer. I slid on my prettiest, sparkly, 4" heels, draped my pearls across my neck and set out for church with a renewed purpose in my heart.
Friday, July 24, 2015
JUST A MOM
The other day, I was sitting in a meeting full of women and someone had made the statement of "just being a mommy". The lady that spoke worked outside the home and was speaking about how our minds can be used against us. When she said that phrase, a lady sitting in front of me looked down for a minute. It was a big tell. I asked later if she was a stay at home mom, she was.
My heart just felt so heavy for her. I wanted to take her to the side and give her a pep talk. I cannot stand for someone to imply that being "just a mom" or being a stay at home mom isn't a big job. YES IT IS. I have had to work 13 hours a day and be a single parent and I've worked 24 hours a day being a stay at home mom. What isn't said is when you do stay in the home and work, you feel complete guilt when you don't do what is "expected" or don't work yourself into falling asleep on the couch every night. If you work outside the home and don't get your checklist completed, you tell yourself about the 40 hours you did get done at work that week.
I wanted to tell her how her "invisible hands" that folded hundreds of items from the dryer, the dishes she washed, rinsed and repeated, the meals she prepared, the tears she dried, the floors she swept, vacuumed, mopped, the beds she made, the lessons taught, the heads and bodies she washed, the diapers she changed, the walls she decorated, the bathrooms she cleaned and the home she organized wasn't invisible to me. Sometimes it feels like no matter how much you clean, it doesn't matter. It feels like the work you do isn't important but it is. You get to see your children every day. You get to be the one to tuck them into bed at night. You get to be the one that teaches your kids how to make their beds, clean their rooms and brush their teeth. Sometimes, it is very thankless and to be completely honest, it gets old. There are those times when that baby looks at you like you are their world. Those times when your kids hug your neck with all their might and you know you are "it" for them. Those times your son looks at you and says, " Mom, you really ARE the best." It's those times that the mundane becomes a hurdle to jump to get those smiles, hugs and bits of encouragement. It's in those times that mountain of laundry you have to wash AGAIN isn't as bad as it seems.
I go through the same guilt now that I'm married again, stay home with my kids, help with the business and am going to be homeschooling. I've been sick for over 2 months and it makes the guilt worse. If I go through a day that I don't feel as if I have "earned my keep", I'm like a dog with a bone. I just happen to be married to a man that only cares if the bed is made and everything else is a bonus. It still doesn't matter. I seldom give myself a break.
As a mom, you don't get holidays, weekends or even nights off. You are on call 24/7 and you don't get a physical check or benefits for the work you do. You are seldom thanked for wiping a 3 year olds bottom for the umpteenth time in a day. No one puts a gold star on YOUR chart because you go to the bathroom to make sure it's tidy for the 2, 768th time that day and again it looks like a puppy has gotten into the toilet paper and the trash can has been overturned. The 5 towels that were neatly hanging on their hooks have new been blown off their hooks and the door that is the gateway to a magical wonderland of bows, hair things is and all the extras for the bathroom is standing open and random things are disheveled, opened or spilled. Their is toothpaste on the sink, under the medicine cabinet, caked in the shower curtain and under the drawer pull and now on my hand. Their is a even tile now missing in the bathroom. I find myself wondering if they have magic powers that they may turn into little tornadoes when they come into the bathroom. I will never wear socks again into the bathroom that our children use. Ever. The rug is squishy wet and they haven't even taken baths yet. What in the world?!? No one knows how many times you truly clean up after your children and utter the same instructions daily. But, hat box in the living room that I keep forgetting to take to Goodwill, laughs at my inadequacy every time I pass it. As I'm sitting on the couch right now there are 3 bins staring at me begging me to be taken to their owners from my WEDDING. The wedding that happen several weeks ago.
Give yourself a break! It is ok to be human. It is ok to feel like you don't want to do anything but eat and sleep all day. Your body is talking to you, listen. If all you do is play with your kids all day, every once in a while, you aren't a failure. It's called being a mom... That is human.... That accepts that humanity with pride.
I am a mom. Whether I stay at home with my kids or work 40 hours a week, being a mom is job enough. I may not get thanks for the little things but it is my name they call when they need
something or want to talk. It is me that they will wish they could curl up in my lap one more time when life gets too much. We never know what we will say to them, how we love them or what they learn from us will impact them as adults. Being a mom is an honor. Being a mom is a reward. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom sucks when you have to be THAT mom but you do it because that's who you are and one day our kids will thank us for what we were to them.
No one may know everything we have done in our lifetimes but that's not why we do it. We do it because we love them. We do it because no matter how much poop that baby produces, it can never top the amount of love you feel for them. We do it because no matter how many Legos have broken the skin to the soft part of our feet, nothing can replace that little man wrapping his arms around you in front of his friends. We do it because we needed someone to love and God gave us our kids. We do it because we are moms.
My heart just felt so heavy for her. I wanted to take her to the side and give her a pep talk. I cannot stand for someone to imply that being "just a mom" or being a stay at home mom isn't a big job. YES IT IS. I have had to work 13 hours a day and be a single parent and I've worked 24 hours a day being a stay at home mom. What isn't said is when you do stay in the home and work, you feel complete guilt when you don't do what is "expected" or don't work yourself into falling asleep on the couch every night. If you work outside the home and don't get your checklist completed, you tell yourself about the 40 hours you did get done at work that week.
I wanted to tell her how her "invisible hands" that folded hundreds of items from the dryer, the dishes she washed, rinsed and repeated, the meals she prepared, the tears she dried, the floors she swept, vacuumed, mopped, the beds she made, the lessons taught, the heads and bodies she washed, the diapers she changed, the walls she decorated, the bathrooms she cleaned and the home she organized wasn't invisible to me. Sometimes it feels like no matter how much you clean, it doesn't matter. It feels like the work you do isn't important but it is. You get to see your children every day. You get to be the one to tuck them into bed at night. You get to be the one that teaches your kids how to make their beds, clean their rooms and brush their teeth. Sometimes, it is very thankless and to be completely honest, it gets old. There are those times when that baby looks at you like you are their world. Those times when your kids hug your neck with all their might and you know you are "it" for them. Those times your son looks at you and says, " Mom, you really ARE the best." It's those times that the mundane becomes a hurdle to jump to get those smiles, hugs and bits of encouragement. It's in those times that mountain of laundry you have to wash AGAIN isn't as bad as it seems.
I go through the same guilt now that I'm married again, stay home with my kids, help with the business and am going to be homeschooling. I've been sick for over 2 months and it makes the guilt worse. If I go through a day that I don't feel as if I have "earned my keep", I'm like a dog with a bone. I just happen to be married to a man that only cares if the bed is made and everything else is a bonus. It still doesn't matter. I seldom give myself a break.
As a mom, you don't get holidays, weekends or even nights off. You are on call 24/7 and you don't get a physical check or benefits for the work you do. You are seldom thanked for wiping a 3 year olds bottom for the umpteenth time in a day. No one puts a gold star on YOUR chart because you go to the bathroom to make sure it's tidy for the 2, 768th time that day and again it looks like a puppy has gotten into the toilet paper and the trash can has been overturned. The 5 towels that were neatly hanging on their hooks have new been blown off their hooks and the door that is the gateway to a magical wonderland of bows, hair things is and all the extras for the bathroom is standing open and random things are disheveled, opened or spilled. Their is toothpaste on the sink, under the medicine cabinet, caked in the shower curtain and under the drawer pull and now on my hand. Their is a even tile now missing in the bathroom. I find myself wondering if they have magic powers that they may turn into little tornadoes when they come into the bathroom. I will never wear socks again into the bathroom that our children use. Ever. The rug is squishy wet and they haven't even taken baths yet. What in the world?!? No one knows how many times you truly clean up after your children and utter the same instructions daily. But, hat box in the living room that I keep forgetting to take to Goodwill, laughs at my inadequacy every time I pass it. As I'm sitting on the couch right now there are 3 bins staring at me begging me to be taken to their owners from my WEDDING. The wedding that happen several weeks ago.
Give yourself a break! It is ok to be human. It is ok to feel like you don't want to do anything but eat and sleep all day. Your body is talking to you, listen. If all you do is play with your kids all day, every once in a while, you aren't a failure. It's called being a mom... That is human.... That accepts that humanity with pride.
I am a mom. Whether I stay at home with my kids or work 40 hours a week, being a mom is job enough. I may not get thanks for the little things but it is my name they call when they need
something or want to talk. It is me that they will wish they could curl up in my lap one more time when life gets too much. We never know what we will say to them, how we love them or what they learn from us will impact them as adults. Being a mom is an honor. Being a mom is a reward. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom sucks when you have to be THAT mom but you do it because that's who you are and one day our kids will thank us for what we were to them.
No one may know everything we have done in our lifetimes but that's not why we do it. We do it because we love them. We do it because no matter how much poop that baby produces, it can never top the amount of love you feel for them. We do it because no matter how many Legos have broken the skin to the soft part of our feet, nothing can replace that little man wrapping his arms around you in front of his friends. We do it because we needed someone to love and God gave us our kids. We do it because we are moms.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
THE CHILD WHISPERER
Last year, I met my husbands kids for the first time. They were and are full of energy and from a very different household than my children. There were some areas that I spotted right away that I could help them grow in. In my mind, I was "the child whisperer". I knew his girls didn't like vegetables or anything that resembled something good for you but with "the child whisperer" on your side, they didn't stand a chance. The first time I made supper for everyone, I had meticulously planned out the meal and timed it just right so we were sitting down to eat as Robby came home. How proud he would be of me as his girls devoured their food, including the vegetables. What do you think is the first thing they said even before I brought the food to the table? I don't like that. I don't want to eat... As I stood there with food in hand, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "But I'm the child whisperer!" My mind pleaded. I still put each thing on everyone's plate because we have to eat what is served. If it is something you do not like, you still must put a little on your plate and eat a couple bites. One of his girls decided she was NOT having it and for the next hour we had tears, hollering and finally hitting the table. I sat there with my eyes about to come out of my head as I tried to eat my food and ignore the scene. My children were staring at me and probably wondering if I was going to punish her or something else. If I was talking to anyone else, I would have explicit instructions to give them about enforcing discipline and making sure that the child wasn't rewarded for her behavior and how to prevent future outbursts. Here's the deal, I'm not her mom.
Never met a child that didn't like you or listen to you? Become a stepparent. You will be welcoming a huge dose of reality! As a stepparent, you aren't the parent. Although in your title is the word parent, it means more of a supervisor. You do not have that bond that a parent has with their child. You do not know their history. You weren't there when they were born, took their first step and learned how to talk. You stepped in, without their consent, and started setting rules and guidelines that they've never heard of or had to adhere to. Basically, a stranger to them married their dad and is now "running things" and taking their daddy away from them, in their mind.
You cannot imagine how many people told me that you could not be happy and have stepchildren. How awful! Wait until your kids are grown! Don't do it. You may love him but you may not love his kids. Can you imagine how overwhelming that was to me and how determined I became to make sure that didn't happen to me?
So I'm not "the child whisperer" or Nanny 911. I'm a mom. I have a mothers heart and I know children. What complicates it is I am now the devils advocate for my husbands ex, still dealing with my own kids dad and expected to work miracles without the children's consent. It changes your thinking. It's easy to take everything personally.
What I have learned is: I am not a miracle worker and I need to give myself a break. I am human. It is ok not to feel an immediate motherly bond with his kids. Love needs to be nurtured and to grow. There will be times when we ALL need space. It's ok if I feel overwhelmed. It's ok to not feel guilty I'm enjoying the house with no children in it. It's ok if we have a bad day or a bad weekend, it won't last forever. Also, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, divorced and newly married. I still have scars, emotional days and times when I have to be quiet. There are still emotions that come along with marriage and still some that remain from the past. It's ok to feel it all and sometimes all at the same time. I am not superwoman... I'll allow you time to absorb that because I needed time too.........
Wisdom from a "child whisperer" they are little people that have emotions and struggles just like we do, they just don't understand how to process it and talk through it like we do. Take the time to learn them and see the signs when they are struggling BEFORE the meltdown occurs. Have a time when you spend time with each of them alone. I have lesson times with all the kids but at night, I lay by each one of them and talk to them about the day, plans or tell them a story, if time allows. I have found when I do this as often as I can, our time together goes smoother and they listen quite well. We have even grown to the point that everyone tries what they don't like without a tirade. AMAZING! It's slow and sometimes looks like there won't be an end but then we have a breakthrough and it's better than a trophy.
Also, there are some things i cannot tell them. I am not their mom. One day they may remind me of that. Some things HAVE to come from their dad or mom. Sometimes all I can do is pray it will. I cannot control how different the rules are when they or my children are away so I cannot put that responsibility on myself either. All I can do is work on my own consistency and pray that they will make a choice one day that will honor what I taught them and honor the Lord.
Child whisperer, I am not but mother I am. I can love them, in my own way and receive the love they give me in the way that works for them. They may never know everything a stepparent goes through but they will always know our home is a happy and loving place that they are always welcome.
Never met a child that didn't like you or listen to you? Become a stepparent. You will be welcoming a huge dose of reality! As a stepparent, you aren't the parent. Although in your title is the word parent, it means more of a supervisor. You do not have that bond that a parent has with their child. You do not know their history. You weren't there when they were born, took their first step and learned how to talk. You stepped in, without their consent, and started setting rules and guidelines that they've never heard of or had to adhere to. Basically, a stranger to them married their dad and is now "running things" and taking their daddy away from them, in their mind.
You cannot imagine how many people told me that you could not be happy and have stepchildren. How awful! Wait until your kids are grown! Don't do it. You may love him but you may not love his kids. Can you imagine how overwhelming that was to me and how determined I became to make sure that didn't happen to me?
So I'm not "the child whisperer" or Nanny 911. I'm a mom. I have a mothers heart and I know children. What complicates it is I am now the devils advocate for my husbands ex, still dealing with my own kids dad and expected to work miracles without the children's consent. It changes your thinking. It's easy to take everything personally.
What I have learned is: I am not a miracle worker and I need to give myself a break. I am human. It is ok not to feel an immediate motherly bond with his kids. Love needs to be nurtured and to grow. There will be times when we ALL need space. It's ok if I feel overwhelmed. It's ok to not feel guilty I'm enjoying the house with no children in it. It's ok if we have a bad day or a bad weekend, it won't last forever. Also, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, divorced and newly married. I still have scars, emotional days and times when I have to be quiet. There are still emotions that come along with marriage and still some that remain from the past. It's ok to feel it all and sometimes all at the same time. I am not superwoman... I'll allow you time to absorb that because I needed time too.........
Wisdom from a "child whisperer" they are little people that have emotions and struggles just like we do, they just don't understand how to process it and talk through it like we do. Take the time to learn them and see the signs when they are struggling BEFORE the meltdown occurs. Have a time when you spend time with each of them alone. I have lesson times with all the kids but at night, I lay by each one of them and talk to them about the day, plans or tell them a story, if time allows. I have found when I do this as often as I can, our time together goes smoother and they listen quite well. We have even grown to the point that everyone tries what they don't like without a tirade. AMAZING! It's slow and sometimes looks like there won't be an end but then we have a breakthrough and it's better than a trophy.
Also, there are some things i cannot tell them. I am not their mom. One day they may remind me of that. Some things HAVE to come from their dad or mom. Sometimes all I can do is pray it will. I cannot control how different the rules are when they or my children are away so I cannot put that responsibility on myself either. All I can do is work on my own consistency and pray that they will make a choice one day that will honor what I taught them and honor the Lord.
Child whisperer, I am not but mother I am. I can love them, in my own way and receive the love they give me in the way that works for them. They may never know everything a stepparent goes through but they will always know our home is a happy and loving place that they are always welcome.
Friday, May 22, 2015
I'M NOT THAT STRONG
I have been complimented on how strong others perceive me but I am not that strong. I have been told, if I could just have a little bit of your courage but I am not that courageous. I struggle. I feel overwhelmed. I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel lost. I go through the same emotions that anyone else does. I am driven to follow the principles I have decided I would follow a long time ago. For some unknown reason, I am fighter of injustice and always stick up for the "under dog" even if that person is me. Being a people pleaser is a bit of a curse but if I don't stand up for myself, who will?
I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone, that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.
I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone, that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)