When I was younger, I was introduced to Doris Day movies. She became my favorite movie star and still is. She played on a movie called "I'll see you in my dreams" and was trying to explain to the man in the movie that you write songs for the ones that do not know how to say "I love you". The reason that I write is for the people that do not know how to translate their emotions on paper. In addition to that, I want everything I write to be a help to anyone that reads it. Whether it makes you laugh, cry or it sticks with you, I want every post on this blog to touch someone. I don't care to have millions of followers but I do hope to touch 1, every time.
I've had some people comment to me recently that they read and loved my blogs. I think that is so awesome! I feel the need to apologize for my sporadic posts. As you know, I got remarried in June and now have 3 stepchildren. If I thought my life was crazy before, it is insane now! Sometimes it is very hard for me to write a post because I feel that my audience has changed some but I still want to be able to touch all the people I had reached before. Not only that, but my mind and heart has been assaulted with so many new emotions that is has become quite difficult to decipher them in order to write something that would be helpful, make sense and not too informative. Hopefully, I was very discrete about some things through my divorce. Now, I have an ex, his family, husband, his ex, his family, his kids and so much more to make sure I am not too descriptive about. I went from carrying the burdens of divorce to carrying the burdens of divorce, a blended family, being remarried and many more. I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have but with it comes so much more no one can really prepare you for unless they knew the future. My mind has been so clouded with the burdens and people around me that it has been hard to find the clarity to write.
I know there are others that are dealing with loss, a spouse, children or just life in general and just wish they could put their feelings on paper. I think my problem isn't not having anything to say but rather saying too much. I know what it feels like to not know if my groceries will last. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a crowded room. I know what it feels like to be on the brink of hopelessness, insignificant and a waste of space. Sometimes I felt like if someone could just speak to my heart, I could catch a glimmer of hope again. If I could just get a hug, human contact, from someone that loved me, I could breathe again. If I could just go back and undo some mistakes, maybe I could repair my current situation. If I... Could last all day, a lifetime even.
When I was in my early twenties, married, and we were going through a rough patch, I would slip into the "if only" and fantasize about what would have been if I would have made a more informed decision when it counted. That fantasy life was a dangerous place to go to. Now, I have a firm grasp of reality and sometimes reality can weigh you down. I find myself longing for a simple life where there is no such things as traffic jams, divided homes and what you eat is what you have grown. It isn't a possibility right now but I pretend that eventually it will be. I even set goals for myself. It may be a small goal of putting on makeup and doing all the laundry, including folding and putting it away, in an entire day. It may be a large goal of finishing my book I've been writing. If I can check one thing off on a bad day and several things off on a good day, I've made progress.
The "if only", fantasy world (even found in books and tv) is not a healthy place to live. There are many things about my current status that I cannot change, like how the "other parent" thinks, feels or rears the children. What I can do is do what's right and do it consistently. That is itself and a daunting tasking. I can pray for the children when they are home and while they are away. I can pray for my hubs and show him what he needs to see of God in me. I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like "enough". I want everyone around me to be ok and when I can't fix it, I feel myself spiraling into a pit. I've had to learn that it is ok to "let go" of it and give it to God. If I'm tugging on the problem, He may not have the room to work that He needs. When I feel that pit looming, I have to take myself out of the situation and try to step back and find some good in the fact it cannot be fixed when I want it to be. Sometimes, that is SO HARD!
I've read James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Variableness means that there no chance of him changing. I love that about God. Life changes every second and sometimes my emotions follow suit. I love that no matter what is going on God is the same. He loves me as much right now as He did before I messed up, lost faith, felt overwhelmed, etc.
The "situation" I'm in is my gift? Seriously? Think about that verse from that angle, it helped me to. The situation, tough time and even good times were a gift from God. Breathing is a gift, everything else a bonus. Heard that one? I'm thinking.... No more bonuses! Even in a tough time God is showing you what you're made of, even if we really didn't care to know right now.
I apologize to those of you who have told me that my posts have been too few and to those who only like to read only the funny stuff I write about the kids, I'm working on a good one for you too! Just know that no matter what is weighing you down (or bringing you up), you aren't alone. Sometimes our wings get wet and makes it harder to fly. They will dry and we will be soaring once again!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Saturday, December 12, 2015
MY CHILDREN ARE SPIES
I have discovered, my children are spies. They are clever spies and are very covert. They are at the top of their game at such early ages. As I vacuumed the floor, I happened across several of their trade secrets. They had unfolded a Bobby pin and stuck it through the carpet by the bathroom door to serve as a hidden "key" just in case they were locked out. I also discovered that where their curtains puddled on the floor, was an excellent place to hide little things that they didn't want their co-conspirators to find. There was little hair things and itty bitty toys they never thought anyone would find as I lifted the curtains to vacuum underneath. They had taken great care to hide all kinds of valuable Intel. There were books hidden in between mattresses, under the bed and carefully shoved in between the mattress and the headboard. Instead of bread crumbs to lead the way, my modern day Hansel and Gretels put a path of the tiny colorful hair ties, that they can also use for crafts, as clues to where they had been. These amazing spies that I am apparently raising had also written messages on the walls of the bathroom when the steam had caused the walls to be wet. The palm scanner was so covertly hidden on the opposite wall, that all I could see were the handprints. It is uncanny how smart they are. As I was on my hands and knees, wiping the bathroom floor, I noticed globs of toothpaste strategically placed so they could leave messages stuck to them whenever the need would arise.
I moved onto the couches and thought of how suspicious the weight of the couches would have been if we were going to move them since they were heavy with all kinds of goodies. There were toys, hairbrushes, pencils, finger nail clippers and all sorts of hidden treasures. What is so ironic about that particular stash is they can never produce any of these things when they need them. Apparently they are such good secret keepers, even they forgot where they were hidden.
They have not mastered going through my room without leaving a trace. As they cross over into my room, everything has to be searched for "bugs". They must touch everything in the room to ensure it is safe to talk. However, they do not return each item where they found it or sometimes in the same condition that they found it in. So far, we've been "bug" free but you never know when that could change. They leave their "calling cards" in the shape of colorful, mismatched socks, throughout the house just to let everyone know they were there. How kind and thoughtful they are.
My sweet little spies are stealthy little things that need lots of practice until they go to the "big time". I'm happy to oblige my .007 agents in training. I try to make it as challenging as I can when I wipe off their messages and stashes of goodies, just to keep them on their toes!
Sunday, November 15, 2015
I'VE GOT A QUESTION
I have been married for almost 6 months. We have been a blended family for almost 6 months. We have learned A LOT about each other. It is such a struggle for me to get my thoughts together and post a blog. I carry more on me in some ways than I thought I would. Having 3 additional children. It isn't a bad thing at all. It has taught me a lot about myself. I have seen myself through someone else's eyes. I have had emotions towards them that I would have never thought I would. I have struggled with jealousy, love, injustice, opinions, beliefs and fear. It has been a wonderful and tumultuous ride.
I'm a tad bit opinionated. However, I try to base my opinions on what the Bible says. When my opinions are asked for, I give it without a problem. Now I am in the position of a stepmother and my filter must be put on high. As an ex wife, it must remain on high as well. I asked one of our 5 children what they were scared of with each parent in their life. They were very honest, even about me. Have you ever saw yourself through your kids eyes? It can be enlightening. She told me that what scares her about me is when they do something they shouldn't and how it makes them feel bad that they did wrong. Another parent, they were scared of because they screamed and threatened them when they were bad. As they went through all the parents, their school and friends, it really painted a picture for me of how they viewed things.
This same child had an attitude with me a couple weeks ago with her voice, neck and body. I saw red! I had to walk away. However, when she said she feels guilt for doing wrong, I felt like that was a success. When the children do wrong, I walk them through the whole ordeal...
What did you do? Why is that wrong? How should you have acted or reacted? You chose wrong, do you understand that? When you do wrong, what is that? Sin. Sin has to be what? Punished. Your parents are practice for learning to listen to God one day. When we ask you to do something that you don't understand or don't want to do and you do it with a good attitude anyway, you will eventually respond to God in the same way. Do we punish you because we want to see you sad? No. We punish you because that is what God says to do. It teaches you to think about the consequences the next time you come to that crossroads.
Tonight, I was tucking the girls in and he let me pray with them this time. I started a silly tradition with Kayden, 9 years old, when Robby and I were dating and we would tuck them in. I would peek in her room just enough for her to see the outline of my face. She starts to giggle and I take off running and jump in her bed. I was leaning over her and kissed her little soft cheek and she said, "I've got a question." To which I responded, "I have an answer. You can ask me anything." She smiled really big and said, "Do you have to go to church to be saved?" All the bells and whistles in my head went off. I started praying in my head that this would be the opportunity I was looking for to share the gospel with her. I had thought about it this week a few times, wondering if I should open that door or let her.
I started from the beginning with Adam and Eve and told her where sin came from and how it was passed to us all. I explained what sin is and how Jesus died on the cross for us. I drew the picture of Jesus dying on the cross and He looked through time and saw me. He knew I would meet her. He knew I would marry her daddy. He knew my heart and my need for Him. As he hung there on the cross, he knew of our existence and He died for us. I explained our need for Him, the purpose behind church and reading our Bible. Then, I asked her if she would like to ask Jesus into her heart. She said YES. I called her dad into the room and told him what had taken place. I asked her, "If you disobeyed your mom, would you no longer be her kid?" She shook her head no. "The same way is with God. If you disobey and sin, you are still His child. You still must ask for forgiveness, just like you do when you wrong someone else, but you will always be His child once you ask Him into your heart." I saw the light come on in her mind and that it had hit its mark. I prayed for her and thanked God for softening her heart towards Him. I begged Him to help us show that God is real every day. When I paused, she prayed something like this... Lord, forgive me of my sins. Please come into my heart. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Help us tomorrow as we go to church to learn more about you. Please help all of my family to get saved too. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
It took everything in me to not start blubbering. We told her we would get her a Bible to take to her moms house and I would underline really good verses that would help her everyday. We assured her that if she had any questions to come ask us and we would explain anything to her. If we didn't know, we would find out and learn together. I walked out so her dad could talk to her alone and express how proud he was of her alone. As I stepped out of the room I heard noises in the little girls room. I peeked inside and they said, "Would you read that Bible to us too?" If I could have melted, I would have been a puddle. It was then I hid in the bathroom and cried. Robby came in there and we held each other rejoicing over that sweet little girl answering the call and seeing her need for a Savior.
Honestly, I have been discouraged. There has been a lot going on lately and you get to wondering if anything is taking? I try to have lessons with the kids every time they come. They will beg sometimes. You wonder, are you understanding? Am I being clear? Am I saying the right things? Are their spirits growing? Guess what? They are!! Tonight was total proof. The lessons that we have had, the prayers prayed, the rules and guidelines implemented have all been working together. Isn't it amazing how God works? I have a question for you. Is God real to you? Is He real to your kids? How are you showing them that you aren't just going through the motions? Don't be discouraged! They are listening even when you think they aren't! This has lit a fire under me. This has encouraged me to make sure my steps are ordered by the Lord in every area of my life so I can lead by example. What an awesome responsibility we have as parents and as Christians.
I'm a tad bit opinionated. However, I try to base my opinions on what the Bible says. When my opinions are asked for, I give it without a problem. Now I am in the position of a stepmother and my filter must be put on high. As an ex wife, it must remain on high as well. I asked one of our 5 children what they were scared of with each parent in their life. They were very honest, even about me. Have you ever saw yourself through your kids eyes? It can be enlightening. She told me that what scares her about me is when they do something they shouldn't and how it makes them feel bad that they did wrong. Another parent, they were scared of because they screamed and threatened them when they were bad. As they went through all the parents, their school and friends, it really painted a picture for me of how they viewed things.
This same child had an attitude with me a couple weeks ago with her voice, neck and body. I saw red! I had to walk away. However, when she said she feels guilt for doing wrong, I felt like that was a success. When the children do wrong, I walk them through the whole ordeal...
What did you do? Why is that wrong? How should you have acted or reacted? You chose wrong, do you understand that? When you do wrong, what is that? Sin. Sin has to be what? Punished. Your parents are practice for learning to listen to God one day. When we ask you to do something that you don't understand or don't want to do and you do it with a good attitude anyway, you will eventually respond to God in the same way. Do we punish you because we want to see you sad? No. We punish you because that is what God says to do. It teaches you to think about the consequences the next time you come to that crossroads.
Tonight, I was tucking the girls in and he let me pray with them this time. I started a silly tradition with Kayden, 9 years old, when Robby and I were dating and we would tuck them in. I would peek in her room just enough for her to see the outline of my face. She starts to giggle and I take off running and jump in her bed. I was leaning over her and kissed her little soft cheek and she said, "I've got a question." To which I responded, "I have an answer. You can ask me anything." She smiled really big and said, "Do you have to go to church to be saved?" All the bells and whistles in my head went off. I started praying in my head that this would be the opportunity I was looking for to share the gospel with her. I had thought about it this week a few times, wondering if I should open that door or let her.
I started from the beginning with Adam and Eve and told her where sin came from and how it was passed to us all. I explained what sin is and how Jesus died on the cross for us. I drew the picture of Jesus dying on the cross and He looked through time and saw me. He knew I would meet her. He knew I would marry her daddy. He knew my heart and my need for Him. As he hung there on the cross, he knew of our existence and He died for us. I explained our need for Him, the purpose behind church and reading our Bible. Then, I asked her if she would like to ask Jesus into her heart. She said YES. I called her dad into the room and told him what had taken place. I asked her, "If you disobeyed your mom, would you no longer be her kid?" She shook her head no. "The same way is with God. If you disobey and sin, you are still His child. You still must ask for forgiveness, just like you do when you wrong someone else, but you will always be His child once you ask Him into your heart." I saw the light come on in her mind and that it had hit its mark. I prayed for her and thanked God for softening her heart towards Him. I begged Him to help us show that God is real every day. When I paused, she prayed something like this... Lord, forgive me of my sins. Please come into my heart. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Help us tomorrow as we go to church to learn more about you. Please help all of my family to get saved too. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
It took everything in me to not start blubbering. We told her we would get her a Bible to take to her moms house and I would underline really good verses that would help her everyday. We assured her that if she had any questions to come ask us and we would explain anything to her. If we didn't know, we would find out and learn together. I walked out so her dad could talk to her alone and express how proud he was of her alone. As I stepped out of the room I heard noises in the little girls room. I peeked inside and they said, "Would you read that Bible to us too?" If I could have melted, I would have been a puddle. It was then I hid in the bathroom and cried. Robby came in there and we held each other rejoicing over that sweet little girl answering the call and seeing her need for a Savior.
Honestly, I have been discouraged. There has been a lot going on lately and you get to wondering if anything is taking? I try to have lessons with the kids every time they come. They will beg sometimes. You wonder, are you understanding? Am I being clear? Am I saying the right things? Are their spirits growing? Guess what? They are!! Tonight was total proof. The lessons that we have had, the prayers prayed, the rules and guidelines implemented have all been working together. Isn't it amazing how God works? I have a question for you. Is God real to you? Is He real to your kids? How are you showing them that you aren't just going through the motions? Don't be discouraged! They are listening even when you think they aren't! This has lit a fire under me. This has encouraged me to make sure my steps are ordered by the Lord in every area of my life so I can lead by example. What an awesome responsibility we have as parents and as Christians.
Friday, October 23, 2015
LOVE IS YES. LOVE IS NO.
As my hubs and I were talking about our differences in child rearing, I made the statement,”Love is yes. Love is no. Love is hugs and kisses and presents. Love is discipline and creating rules.” How many times have we wanted to be the “good guy” and make our kids lives like a giant vacation? How many times would we like to tell them yes to anything that they wanted it just because we love them so much? Then again, how many times have we told them no for that very same reason?
When my children were smaller, I took their bed frames out to their rooms and out the mattresses on the floor. You can't imagine the looks of “bless your heart” I received for that and “are you kidding me?” The reason was, I allowed my kids to jump on their beds until they were so big they got hurt flipping off the mattresses. When their friends came over, they jumped on the beds too. It was so great! That was my “yes”. Why they got to the point that injury was prevalent, I got “official beds” and told them they were no longer able to jump on the beds. If they did, they would be punished. Not only would they get hurt but they would break the bed. We must always take care of what God has given us. That, was my “no”. Did I love them any less because they now couldn't jump on their beds? Absolutely not. The reason they were told “no” was because they would be hurt if we continued to do what we were doing.
Think about this. What happens if you illuminate every opportunity to tell your kid no? What will happen? If your first thoughts may be, no more fights, I won't feel like the “bad guy”, they will be happier, I have another thought for you. What does it teach them? If they are never told “no” and they group up to be adults, in a real world, what do you think they will do when they are told “no” by a friend, boy/girlfriend or boss? If they have never been told no, they will not know how to deal with the emotions that are going to hit them, no matter their age, when that word hits their ears. How fair is that? Are you really doing them any favors? Have you ever went to work or school with someone that has never been told “no”? I have. They had be told “yes” by everyone or they would pay dearly.
I have recently been able to get aquatinted with a very unhappy child. This child used to scream and beat her head against the wall when she didn't get her way. She would hide and pout for hours and scream and shove if she didn't get attention. She is such an unhappy little person with so much built up anger inside. Her mother tried to not tell her “no” and everyone around her as well. Then, in walks me. I have observed her for months. Do you know when she is most happy? She is most happy in doing something for me or serving others. She doesn't realize that but it is true. It's amazing.
Let's take this one more direction and see if it makes sense. After my divorce, I had prayed that I would meet a guy I had already knew along the way or someone I trusted knew so I wouldn't get into a mess on down the line. I started talking to a guy I knew in grade school. We had a similar background, went to the same school, our parents used to be close and we hit it off just like the “good old days”. He told me he was divorced. He kept asking me to meet him for supper. So, I had asked him if we could go to church together first. That always illuminates who it needs to. He said, “Well, my ex would flip.” To which I respond, “Um, why would that matter, you are divorced?” He smoothly replies, “We just have this agreement because church is more personal than a meal.” Yes. I was shaking my head and realizing something wasn't right. “You told me you are divorced, I'm still not following.” Well, TECHNICALLY we aren't divorced yet. We are actually living in the same house because she won't leave. WHAT?!?!? You have got to be kidding me! He wasn't. Needless to say, I no longer spoke to him and was fed up with the whole dating scene. I was over it! I told the lord to take away my desire to be with someone that loves me and would help me raise my kids. My mom decided that she would pay for a months subscription to “Christian Mingle” and within the month I met my husband.
I had prayed, fervently but God said “wait”. Sometimes, he out and out said “no”. That can still be aggravating as an adult. Did that mean that God didn't love me? Did that prove that He tried to “take back” dying in the cross for me? Did that show that I really am not important enough to be given a “yes”? No to all the above. God loves us to tell us “yes” and He loves us enough to tell us “no”. His love doesn't change just because our likes and circumstances do. His love is always the same. No matter what the question, even life or death, His love doesn't change according to what He answers.
I believe if I pattern my life after Christ then I will be the parent I need to be. Why is ok for the One that created us and literally gave His life for us to say “no” and still be a good God but we are horrible parents if we say “no” to our own children? You don't have to agree with me but I do believe we are selfish parents if we spoil our children and never tell them “no”. We want the “parent of the year award”, we want to be our children's friend. That isn't our job yet. Our job is to parent. Another word for parent is rear, raise or nurture. Nurture means to care for and encouraging the growth and development of someone or something. Do we fit that description? Are we equipping our kids with the knowledge and discipline they need to be contributing adults? We are teaching them how to handle being told "no". How to have a good spirit even when they don't get their way. What if God didn't give them their way when they prayed. Maybe it wasn't even a selfish prayer, but the answer was still "no". Knowing how to handle an answer they don't want will possibly save them from being so bitter at God they reject everything they have learned. I love my children enough to tell them "yes" and I love my children enough to tell them "no". Do you?
When my children were smaller, I took their bed frames out to their rooms and out the mattresses on the floor. You can't imagine the looks of “bless your heart” I received for that and “are you kidding me?” The reason was, I allowed my kids to jump on their beds until they were so big they got hurt flipping off the mattresses. When their friends came over, they jumped on the beds too. It was so great! That was my “yes”. Why they got to the point that injury was prevalent, I got “official beds” and told them they were no longer able to jump on the beds. If they did, they would be punished. Not only would they get hurt but they would break the bed. We must always take care of what God has given us. That, was my “no”. Did I love them any less because they now couldn't jump on their beds? Absolutely not. The reason they were told “no” was because they would be hurt if we continued to do what we were doing.
Think about this. What happens if you illuminate every opportunity to tell your kid no? What will happen? If your first thoughts may be, no more fights, I won't feel like the “bad guy”, they will be happier, I have another thought for you. What does it teach them? If they are never told “no” and they group up to be adults, in a real world, what do you think they will do when they are told “no” by a friend, boy/girlfriend or boss? If they have never been told no, they will not know how to deal with the emotions that are going to hit them, no matter their age, when that word hits their ears. How fair is that? Are you really doing them any favors? Have you ever went to work or school with someone that has never been told “no”? I have. They had be told “yes” by everyone or they would pay dearly.
I have recently been able to get aquatinted with a very unhappy child. This child used to scream and beat her head against the wall when she didn't get her way. She would hide and pout for hours and scream and shove if she didn't get attention. She is such an unhappy little person with so much built up anger inside. Her mother tried to not tell her “no” and everyone around her as well. Then, in walks me. I have observed her for months. Do you know when she is most happy? She is most happy in doing something for me or serving others. She doesn't realize that but it is true. It's amazing.
Let's take this one more direction and see if it makes sense. After my divorce, I had prayed that I would meet a guy I had already knew along the way or someone I trusted knew so I wouldn't get into a mess on down the line. I started talking to a guy I knew in grade school. We had a similar background, went to the same school, our parents used to be close and we hit it off just like the “good old days”. He told me he was divorced. He kept asking me to meet him for supper. So, I had asked him if we could go to church together first. That always illuminates who it needs to. He said, “Well, my ex would flip.” To which I respond, “Um, why would that matter, you are divorced?” He smoothly replies, “We just have this agreement because church is more personal than a meal.” Yes. I was shaking my head and realizing something wasn't right. “You told me you are divorced, I'm still not following.” Well, TECHNICALLY we aren't divorced yet. We are actually living in the same house because she won't leave. WHAT?!?!? You have got to be kidding me! He wasn't. Needless to say, I no longer spoke to him and was fed up with the whole dating scene. I was over it! I told the lord to take away my desire to be with someone that loves me and would help me raise my kids. My mom decided that she would pay for a months subscription to “Christian Mingle” and within the month I met my husband.
I had prayed, fervently but God said “wait”. Sometimes, he out and out said “no”. That can still be aggravating as an adult. Did that mean that God didn't love me? Did that prove that He tried to “take back” dying in the cross for me? Did that show that I really am not important enough to be given a “yes”? No to all the above. God loves us to tell us “yes” and He loves us enough to tell us “no”. His love doesn't change just because our likes and circumstances do. His love is always the same. No matter what the question, even life or death, His love doesn't change according to what He answers.
I believe if I pattern my life after Christ then I will be the parent I need to be. Why is ok for the One that created us and literally gave His life for us to say “no” and still be a good God but we are horrible parents if we say “no” to our own children? You don't have to agree with me but I do believe we are selfish parents if we spoil our children and never tell them “no”. We want the “parent of the year award”, we want to be our children's friend. That isn't our job yet. Our job is to parent. Another word for parent is rear, raise or nurture. Nurture means to care for and encouraging the growth and development of someone or something. Do we fit that description? Are we equipping our kids with the knowledge and discipline they need to be contributing adults? We are teaching them how to handle being told "no". How to have a good spirit even when they don't get their way. What if God didn't give them their way when they prayed. Maybe it wasn't even a selfish prayer, but the answer was still "no". Knowing how to handle an answer they don't want will possibly save them from being so bitter at God they reject everything they have learned. I love my children enough to tell them "yes" and I love my children enough to tell them "no". Do you?
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
BATH TIME
As some of you know, I was never the little girl that dreamed about having kids. I wanted to be a cowgirl, Calamity Jane or Anne Oakley. I wanted to raise horses and monkeys rather than children. I was the son my dad never had. I was tougher than most of the boys growing up and my dad was afraid that I would be a woman's lib leader. I overheard him telling my mom that if she didn't get me "in the kitchen", no man would want someone that was better than him in everything.
When I got married as a 19 year old girl, for the first time, I had a desire to be a mom. However, I wanted to have 4 boys that would all be red headed. Yes. I had great plans...
In reality, I have 10, 9, 8, 5 and 3 year old children. 2 of which were born to me and 3 that God gave me through marriage. We have a very busy and a very full house at times. We do not have a huge house but it is enough for us. Saturday night and Sunday's are always a circus at the house. Saturday night is in preparation for church on Sunday. Almost every Saturday night our night sounds a little bit like this...
"Everyone get your pjs and panties and underwear, it's time for baths" (Since we have 5 kids, they all have a number and a color so we can keep up with who's is who's, and where it goes) #4 says, "Do I HAVE to take a baaaath? I didn't even sweat today and I took a bath yesterday." To which I respond (every time), "Yes, you must have a bath. You need a bath every day, even if you don't sweat if it's just to wash germs off your body. Besides, you sweat very easily so I believe it's safe to say, you definitely require a bath tonight." The last statement was a huge mistake. "Feel my hair. It's not even wet. I really don't need a bath. I promise." In my head I'm thinking... Did I ASK your opinion? No. I said take a bath but out of my mouth I say, "#4, you have to take a bath. You may take it with a smile or with a frown but you will be getting into the tub first so you can get it out of the way."
No sooner than this conversation ends, #5 comes to inform me she will NOT be taking a bath. Her favorite sentence is "I don't want to." "What did I say? I don't care if you want to. You go get into the tub." "I DONT WANT TO!", she wails. My husband will try to convince them to take a bath. I, on the other hand, will tell them to do it immediately or be punished and then they will still have to do it. I can hear him in there trying to soothe her and talk her into the tub. Either she got into the tub of her own will or was lifted over the edge due to her inability to bend her knees at this present moment. She's now crying and standing in the tub determined she will NOT be bathed. I round the corner and see her standing there with tears streaming down her face. I give her a look that says I mean business and tell my husband that I will take care of it. He leaves and I pick up the rag, ignoring her insistence and tell her she only has the option to sit down and take a bath. #4 and 5 are still young enough that they still take their baths together. It's helpful for me as well. Most of the time, I will talk to them, ask them about their week or tell them stories. Depending on the time, I may get right down to scrubbing. In this instance, I am wetting hair and scrubbing "clean" bodies as fast as I can. As I am bathing #4 and 5, #2 ALWAYS comes and finds me with a look that her dog just died, and says the same thing. "I can't find my pjs." "Did you look in your drawers?", I reply while counting to a hundred in my head. "Yes. I looked in my top drawer." I let the air out slowly and ask, "Did you try looking in ALL your drawers?" She smiles at me and turns around to find the mysterious pjs that continually crawl out of her drawers every weekend and hide just long enough for her to tell me she cannot find them. As I'm finishing up #4 and 5, #2 again makes her appearance. There are no pjs in her hands OR panties... "I cannot find anything in my drawers." I have now moved up to counting to a thousand. I'm telling myself in between numbers to not lose my cool. I walk her through the correct way to search her magic drawers that eat her clothes every weekend. We go into the bedroom and there are random clothes and things in these magic drawers. Apparently, the toys and clothes are fighting when we leave the room and they have had some of each cross enemy lines and have been captured because some are in the closet and some in the drawers. The very FIRST place I look, I find pjs (several) and enough panties to clothe the Cabarrus county Jr cheer squads. Before I could cross the threshold of her room to go back towards the bathroom, #1 comes up to me. "We are taking baths???? Do I have to take a bath?" He says "I" like he is a king on the throne and he couldn't possibly come to the commoners domain to wash his royal self. "Yes sir you do. You also get to wash your face, put on moisturizer and brush your teeth. Isn't that awesome?" He looks at me with a smirk on his face and turns back towards his room in defeat. #3 has yet to make an appearance because it is in her tactical plan for me to be so busy that I do not realize she has not yet bathed. She's the only one of the 5 that doesn't mind a bath, most of the time. However, #3 is the mom of the group. She wants to instruct everyone else about how to bathe and when it's their turn. I can hear her in the little ones room saying, "Where's your brush? Your hair looks like rats have lived there. You didn't clean your room either. You better do that before mom comes in here." She is our little mother. Bossy but a little mother.
"#2! Go hop in the shower." What seems like a week later, I hear the water still running and I go into the bathroom to see if she has fallen and knocked the sense out of her head as for the explanation of why she would still have the water running for that length of time. "Whatcha doing?" She responds, "I'm brushing my hair while there is conditioner on it and I cannot get all the tangles out." Have you washed your body? "Not yet." I have now counted to 300,479. "#2, if it is going to take you that long to comb through your hair, please do everything else first, shut off the water, comb through your hair and THEN turn the water back on and rinse. #1 or 3 hasn't gotten to take a bath/shower yet.
I then start trolling the hallway handing out vitamins and instructions to finish up our evening. I think to myself, who's in the shower now. I walk into the bathroom and find #2 STILL in the bathroom soaking wet. What in blue blazes could she be doing? "Um.... #2, why are you still in the bathroom? We have 5 kids to get in and out and you are still in. It took me less time to bathe your sisters than it is taking you." I hear a scramble around the corner of the bathroom, "oh I'm done." I realize I'm holding my breath and I let it out. "Good! So, you took a shower, washed your face and brushed your teeth?" "I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth." Heavenly Father up above, PLEASE help these children to live to see their next birthday. At this point my speech is slow and deliberate. "Why did you not wash your face and brush your teeth?" "You didn't tell me to." 536,284... 536,285... "Every time you take a bath or shower here, do you wash your face and brush your teeth as well?" She's smiling at this point and I am not. "Yes." "So, why would I have to tell you in order for you to do it? You know it must be done." She then goes into the bathroom to finish up. #1 and 3 believe they have gotten through the day with no bath. They have BOTH jumped into bed of their own volition and are saying their prayers like spiritual warriors. If I listened closely, they are probably beseeching Jesus to intercede for them with me and make me tell them no baths for the day.
At this point of the night, #2, 4 and 5 must call their mother. I never know when this may be going down but I hear ruckus and I have already told #4 and 5 to get into bed and wait for us to tuck them in. Get them all into bed is like herding chickens. By the time you have gotten one in the pin, the other 4 have gotten loose. I'm barking orders while they are talking to their mom! I know I sounded like a drill sergeant and she probably thinks I'm killing her kids. While I'm kicking myself for not checking what was really going on before I barge into the room and assuming they are disobeying, I'm now locating my little prayer warriors. "#3, go hop into the shower. Take a quick shower but do it correctly." #3 gets into the shower but must sing what she's doing, I mean everything. #2, 4, and 5 are done talking to their mom and I am trying to tidy up from the hurricane Hancock that blows in every day. They have been told they can read a book until their dad and I come in the finish tucking them in but they must not leave their beds. I hear footsteps down the hallway. They aren't man footsteps they are the steps of a disobedient child that will get no birthday presents next year. "What are we going to do tomorrow?"
A little bit about me, there's only so long I can refrain from being sarcastic and then My head explodes. I can only count but SO high! This child has escaped a huge 6' tall man, 4 other children who are warning her as she is passing their bedrooms and she lands in the kitchen like she hasn't a care in the world. I pause in disbelief at the sight before my eyes. I'm sure my eyes have flames bursting out of them and when I talk little bursts of smoke come out through my teeth I am trying to un-clench. "Do you have an emergency? Is some thing deathly wrong with you? Did I speak English when I gave you instructions to look at a book until I came back to your room to tuck you in?" The disobedient offender has taken off down the hall with a gallop like I'm after her with a paddle before I can finish my rhetorical questions.
#3 has finished her shower and is singing her way into her bedroom. #1 is faking sleep after his ultra spiritual prayer life had to come to a halt. "#1, go get in the shower really quickly. It's past bedtime and church is tomorrow." THIRTY seconds later he is emerging from the bathroom claiming he is clean. Smell me. I'm clean. I am just really fast." Even if he just jumped in and counted to 5, I just want them all in bed. I walk into the bathroom and look around. Apparently, a tiny drone with miniature bombs big enough to destroy a very small space without disrupting anyone in the next room. There is toothpaste on the sink, UNDER the mirror, on every conceivable item on the surface of the sink, on the floor and even on the shower curtain. There is a mound of towels that looked like they are trying to hide a body with in the middle of the room along with 5 sets of clothes. Apparently, there was temporary paralysis to everyone that entered the bathroom and until they left, they wouldn't regain use of their extremities. There is rags and lufa's piled in the tub or dripping off the side of the tub. My foot squishes as I step to a "safe zone", otherwise called the rug. The toilet seat is up and must have been on fire. Why else would it be wet on every square inch? There is toilet paper in little bitty pieces on the floor that is now soaking wet. Half a roll is in the trash can and the piece that was hanging down has now been taken captive by the dog and there is a trail, she doesn't realize I can follow, and she is playing in the middle of it. "What in the world?" I say in utter disbelief and just loud enough for the refugees to hear. The movement and whispering I heard before that moment stopped immediately. "Oh!" #1 says like the light bulb just went off. "Hey mom, Um, I forgot my,,, uh." He looks into the bathroom and what he missed earlier. I'm just assuming he was struck with blindness and temporary paralysis moments before and the veil has been miraculous lifted from his eyes. He sheepishly and quickly grabs his things and I summon the remainder of the refugees to do clean up on this battle zone.
Finally, everyone is in their beds. Prayers, snuggles and bear hugs have been given, in some cases multiple times. We sit on the couch and hear that dreaded sound that every parent knows so well, footsteps down the hallway, AGAIN, but that story is for another time!!
When I got married as a 19 year old girl, for the first time, I had a desire to be a mom. However, I wanted to have 4 boys that would all be red headed. Yes. I had great plans...
In reality, I have 10, 9, 8, 5 and 3 year old children. 2 of which were born to me and 3 that God gave me through marriage. We have a very busy and a very full house at times. We do not have a huge house but it is enough for us. Saturday night and Sunday's are always a circus at the house. Saturday night is in preparation for church on Sunday. Almost every Saturday night our night sounds a little bit like this...
"Everyone get your pjs and panties and underwear, it's time for baths" (Since we have 5 kids, they all have a number and a color so we can keep up with who's is who's, and where it goes) #4 says, "Do I HAVE to take a baaaath? I didn't even sweat today and I took a bath yesterday." To which I respond (every time), "Yes, you must have a bath. You need a bath every day, even if you don't sweat if it's just to wash germs off your body. Besides, you sweat very easily so I believe it's safe to say, you definitely require a bath tonight." The last statement was a huge mistake. "Feel my hair. It's not even wet. I really don't need a bath. I promise." In my head I'm thinking... Did I ASK your opinion? No. I said take a bath but out of my mouth I say, "#4, you have to take a bath. You may take it with a smile or with a frown but you will be getting into the tub first so you can get it out of the way."
No sooner than this conversation ends, #5 comes to inform me she will NOT be taking a bath. Her favorite sentence is "I don't want to." "What did I say? I don't care if you want to. You go get into the tub." "I DONT WANT TO!", she wails. My husband will try to convince them to take a bath. I, on the other hand, will tell them to do it immediately or be punished and then they will still have to do it. I can hear him in there trying to soothe her and talk her into the tub. Either she got into the tub of her own will or was lifted over the edge due to her inability to bend her knees at this present moment. She's now crying and standing in the tub determined she will NOT be bathed. I round the corner and see her standing there with tears streaming down her face. I give her a look that says I mean business and tell my husband that I will take care of it. He leaves and I pick up the rag, ignoring her insistence and tell her she only has the option to sit down and take a bath. #4 and 5 are still young enough that they still take their baths together. It's helpful for me as well. Most of the time, I will talk to them, ask them about their week or tell them stories. Depending on the time, I may get right down to scrubbing. In this instance, I am wetting hair and scrubbing "clean" bodies as fast as I can. As I am bathing #4 and 5, #2 ALWAYS comes and finds me with a look that her dog just died, and says the same thing. "I can't find my pjs." "Did you look in your drawers?", I reply while counting to a hundred in my head. "Yes. I looked in my top drawer." I let the air out slowly and ask, "Did you try looking in ALL your drawers?" She smiles at me and turns around to find the mysterious pjs that continually crawl out of her drawers every weekend and hide just long enough for her to tell me she cannot find them. As I'm finishing up #4 and 5, #2 again makes her appearance. There are no pjs in her hands OR panties... "I cannot find anything in my drawers." I have now moved up to counting to a thousand. I'm telling myself in between numbers to not lose my cool. I walk her through the correct way to search her magic drawers that eat her clothes every weekend. We go into the bedroom and there are random clothes and things in these magic drawers. Apparently, the toys and clothes are fighting when we leave the room and they have had some of each cross enemy lines and have been captured because some are in the closet and some in the drawers. The very FIRST place I look, I find pjs (several) and enough panties to clothe the Cabarrus county Jr cheer squads. Before I could cross the threshold of her room to go back towards the bathroom, #1 comes up to me. "We are taking baths???? Do I have to take a bath?" He says "I" like he is a king on the throne and he couldn't possibly come to the commoners domain to wash his royal self. "Yes sir you do. You also get to wash your face, put on moisturizer and brush your teeth. Isn't that awesome?" He looks at me with a smirk on his face and turns back towards his room in defeat. #3 has yet to make an appearance because it is in her tactical plan for me to be so busy that I do not realize she has not yet bathed. She's the only one of the 5 that doesn't mind a bath, most of the time. However, #3 is the mom of the group. She wants to instruct everyone else about how to bathe and when it's their turn. I can hear her in the little ones room saying, "Where's your brush? Your hair looks like rats have lived there. You didn't clean your room either. You better do that before mom comes in here." She is our little mother. Bossy but a little mother.
"#2! Go hop in the shower." What seems like a week later, I hear the water still running and I go into the bathroom to see if she has fallen and knocked the sense out of her head as for the explanation of why she would still have the water running for that length of time. "Whatcha doing?" She responds, "I'm brushing my hair while there is conditioner on it and I cannot get all the tangles out." Have you washed your body? "Not yet." I have now counted to 300,479. "#2, if it is going to take you that long to comb through your hair, please do everything else first, shut off the water, comb through your hair and THEN turn the water back on and rinse. #1 or 3 hasn't gotten to take a bath/shower yet.
I then start trolling the hallway handing out vitamins and instructions to finish up our evening. I think to myself, who's in the shower now. I walk into the bathroom and find #2 STILL in the bathroom soaking wet. What in blue blazes could she be doing? "Um.... #2, why are you still in the bathroom? We have 5 kids to get in and out and you are still in. It took me less time to bathe your sisters than it is taking you." I hear a scramble around the corner of the bathroom, "oh I'm done." I realize I'm holding my breath and I let it out. "Good! So, you took a shower, washed your face and brushed your teeth?" "I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth." Heavenly Father up above, PLEASE help these children to live to see their next birthday. At this point my speech is slow and deliberate. "Why did you not wash your face and brush your teeth?" "You didn't tell me to." 536,284... 536,285... "Every time you take a bath or shower here, do you wash your face and brush your teeth as well?" She's smiling at this point and I am not. "Yes." "So, why would I have to tell you in order for you to do it? You know it must be done." She then goes into the bathroom to finish up. #1 and 3 believe they have gotten through the day with no bath. They have BOTH jumped into bed of their own volition and are saying their prayers like spiritual warriors. If I listened closely, they are probably beseeching Jesus to intercede for them with me and make me tell them no baths for the day.
At this point of the night, #2, 4 and 5 must call their mother. I never know when this may be going down but I hear ruckus and I have already told #4 and 5 to get into bed and wait for us to tuck them in. Get them all into bed is like herding chickens. By the time you have gotten one in the pin, the other 4 have gotten loose. I'm barking orders while they are talking to their mom! I know I sounded like a drill sergeant and she probably thinks I'm killing her kids. While I'm kicking myself for not checking what was really going on before I barge into the room and assuming they are disobeying, I'm now locating my little prayer warriors. "#3, go hop into the shower. Take a quick shower but do it correctly." #3 gets into the shower but must sing what she's doing, I mean everything. #2, 4, and 5 are done talking to their mom and I am trying to tidy up from the hurricane Hancock that blows in every day. They have been told they can read a book until their dad and I come in the finish tucking them in but they must not leave their beds. I hear footsteps down the hallway. They aren't man footsteps they are the steps of a disobedient child that will get no birthday presents next year. "What are we going to do tomorrow?"
A little bit about me, there's only so long I can refrain from being sarcastic and then My head explodes. I can only count but SO high! This child has escaped a huge 6' tall man, 4 other children who are warning her as she is passing their bedrooms and she lands in the kitchen like she hasn't a care in the world. I pause in disbelief at the sight before my eyes. I'm sure my eyes have flames bursting out of them and when I talk little bursts of smoke come out through my teeth I am trying to un-clench. "Do you have an emergency? Is some thing deathly wrong with you? Did I speak English when I gave you instructions to look at a book until I came back to your room to tuck you in?" The disobedient offender has taken off down the hall with a gallop like I'm after her with a paddle before I can finish my rhetorical questions.
#3 has finished her shower and is singing her way into her bedroom. #1 is faking sleep after his ultra spiritual prayer life had to come to a halt. "#1, go get in the shower really quickly. It's past bedtime and church is tomorrow." THIRTY seconds later he is emerging from the bathroom claiming he is clean. Smell me. I'm clean. I am just really fast." Even if he just jumped in and counted to 5, I just want them all in bed. I walk into the bathroom and look around. Apparently, a tiny drone with miniature bombs big enough to destroy a very small space without disrupting anyone in the next room. There is toothpaste on the sink, UNDER the mirror, on every conceivable item on the surface of the sink, on the floor and even on the shower curtain. There is a mound of towels that looked like they are trying to hide a body with in the middle of the room along with 5 sets of clothes. Apparently, there was temporary paralysis to everyone that entered the bathroom and until they left, they wouldn't regain use of their extremities. There is rags and lufa's piled in the tub or dripping off the side of the tub. My foot squishes as I step to a "safe zone", otherwise called the rug. The toilet seat is up and must have been on fire. Why else would it be wet on every square inch? There is toilet paper in little bitty pieces on the floor that is now soaking wet. Half a roll is in the trash can and the piece that was hanging down has now been taken captive by the dog and there is a trail, she doesn't realize I can follow, and she is playing in the middle of it. "What in the world?" I say in utter disbelief and just loud enough for the refugees to hear. The movement and whispering I heard before that moment stopped immediately. "Oh!" #1 says like the light bulb just went off. "Hey mom, Um, I forgot my,,, uh." He looks into the bathroom and what he missed earlier. I'm just assuming he was struck with blindness and temporary paralysis moments before and the veil has been miraculous lifted from his eyes. He sheepishly and quickly grabs his things and I summon the remainder of the refugees to do clean up on this battle zone.
Finally, everyone is in their beds. Prayers, snuggles and bear hugs have been given, in some cases multiple times. We sit on the couch and hear that dreaded sound that every parent knows so well, footsteps down the hallway, AGAIN, but that story is for another time!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
WHAT DID I ASK YOU TO DO?
This weekend we celebrated my son's 10th birthday! I cannot believe I have a kid in double digits! I picked up one of his friends that he had at his school in Durham, we had the girls and my mom and her husband as well. We had a total of 6 kids, 4 adults and our near perfect "baby", Bitsy. The house was full. There were people everywhere. My mom and her husband slept at our house instead taking the of a comfort a kid free room and a bed that felt like a cloud that his parents offered and piled in with us. Bless them! My daughter even talked my mom into letting her share her twin bed while her husband slept on the pop up trundle beside them.
The next morning we decided we would make the kids pancakes and let them eat so we could have some adult conversation and could eat in peace. The children ate 2-4 pancakes a piece and were released to go outside while we got our meal finished and table set. My mom and I play music while we cook. She had been wanting me to hear a song that she said reminded her of my grandpa that passed away before she was remarried. She started the song and the first couple notes were played and a child emerges in front of me with the most pertinent of questions. Can I play with the puppy??
"What did I ask you to do while the adults ate?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast."
The song is still playing in the background of the door opening and shutting and in that small window of opportunity another child comes into the house. Can we ride four wheelers? "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast." So... We can't ride four wheelers? At that point "the look" was administered.
Mom started laughing and said, "I don't know why I thought you could listen to an entire song." Welcome to my world! We started the song again and almost made it through the entire thing. We put the finishing touches to our breakfast and called the men inside. We said the prayer and began to eat. The door burst open and I heard "Chloe is hurt and she needs you right now!!" What happened? "I think she got hit in the head by the soccer ball!" Is her head still attached? Is she bleeding? Is she walking and talking, then she can come inside and let me look at her. The door slams and we try to continue our conversation. During this time, I notice our puppy running back and forth from one of the girls rooms to my room. I put a little bell on her because she is so small, we can find her and won't step on her. That bell is jingling as hard as it can. I'm telling stories about the kids and about every 2 minutes she's running like the devil is chasing her. Her back is hunched over and her tail is tucked beneath her body and her ears are flopping. The door flies open and Chloe come stomping in and down the hallway. She isn't happy I didn't run to her aid. SLAM! The door shut once again. Jingle, jingle, jingle the dogs collar goes as she is flying across the hallway once again. Apparently she has gotten into one of the rooms that she isn't supposed to be and is running around in victory of stealing a toy. I start back into my story, yet again and the door chimes again, "front door". "They won't let me have the bike! Daddy said he would teach me how to ride without training wheels!" Excuse me. "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating? Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast. We will fix it all then." The dog runs across, once again. I believe we were able to get through several bites and the littlest one comes in with pure panic on her face. Patenna (McKenna) fell down and is bweeding! "Oh Lord! Can she walk? Ask her to come inside." She tan't walk, she's BWEEDING! As if on queue, the puppy runs across and back again as if in emphasis of he impending doom that awaited us.
Robby jumps up and comes to her aid. She had fallen while using her roller blades and skinned her "bad eh-bow" (she broke her elbow a few months back, yes you can do that). She had a spot of blood on her elbow and she was walking but acted as though she needed a wheelchair. I took a deep breath and looked at mom and David. We all just started laughing. What a nice relaxing breakfast we were having. I started winking and twitching like I was starting to get a tick. No sooner than my sarcasm overtakes me, one more child comes through and asks about something that was not an emergency. I didn't even respond. We just all started moving in different directions showing our defeat trying to get some peace and the guys went outside to play with the kids while we cleaned up from breakfast as the dog runs back across the hallway.
I did find out why she was acting so crazy. She had gotten into the girls room and stole a stuffed baby puppy. She thought she had done something big! Mom and I cleaned up and watched the kids play and learn how to ride their bike without training wheels. The boys threw the football and the girls painted on the hammock. It looked so peaceful to watch them play outside. Looks can be deceiving. The morning was pure chaos. When they are gone, we miss it.
I have never in my life been on such an emotional roller coaster. Either they are in tears or I am most weekends. I feel like we should have this figured out by now but as my own sweet guardian angel and mom of 4 told me, we just started. I can't expect to have figured anything out yet and that is ok. There's so many things no one could ever understand that is going on behind the scenes. The accusations and tears, the emotional children being told to keep secrets and using the children's fears to get what they want. Dealing with emotional abuse and fearing what's going on that we don't know about. Knowing that the only power we have is prayer and not liking the feeling of having no control. Prayer can change things but it's hard to let that be your secret weapon. From the outside it looks like you are "taking" what's being dished out. It's humbling.
You may not can get through 5 minutes without some sort of "emergency " or one week without a lawyer calling or a threat from your ex but it's ok. Sometimes the hardest, most challenging and craziest things are what helps us be who we need to be. Sometimes it's the unexpected emotions that make us realize it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't reflect badly on your mothering skills to have a revolving door, it means your children are human and so are you. It's ok to want to hide in the closet and put a sign on the door that reads "Out of the office". Hang up your superwoman cape. She is only real in comics and movies. Just breathe. Plaster a smile on your face, force yourself not to scream at your children and remember that in moments they will not be right down the hall and forgetting to shut their doors. The dog won't be stealing their toys, she'll be whining by their doors because they don't live their anymore. Enjoy the chaos and smile through the tears. Besides, it all makes for a great story!
The next morning we decided we would make the kids pancakes and let them eat so we could have some adult conversation and could eat in peace. The children ate 2-4 pancakes a piece and were released to go outside while we got our meal finished and table set. My mom and I play music while we cook. She had been wanting me to hear a song that she said reminded her of my grandpa that passed away before she was remarried. She started the song and the first couple notes were played and a child emerges in front of me with the most pertinent of questions. Can I play with the puppy??
"What did I ask you to do while the adults ate?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast."
The song is still playing in the background of the door opening and shutting and in that small window of opportunity another child comes into the house. Can we ride four wheelers? "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast." So... We can't ride four wheelers? At that point "the look" was administered.
Mom started laughing and said, "I don't know why I thought you could listen to an entire song." Welcome to my world! We started the song again and almost made it through the entire thing. We put the finishing touches to our breakfast and called the men inside. We said the prayer and began to eat. The door burst open and I heard "Chloe is hurt and she needs you right now!!" What happened? "I think she got hit in the head by the soccer ball!" Is her head still attached? Is she bleeding? Is she walking and talking, then she can come inside and let me look at her. The door slams and we try to continue our conversation. During this time, I notice our puppy running back and forth from one of the girls rooms to my room. I put a little bell on her because she is so small, we can find her and won't step on her. That bell is jingling as hard as it can. I'm telling stories about the kids and about every 2 minutes she's running like the devil is chasing her. Her back is hunched over and her tail is tucked beneath her body and her ears are flopping. The door flies open and Chloe come stomping in and down the hallway. She isn't happy I didn't run to her aid. SLAM! The door shut once again. Jingle, jingle, jingle the dogs collar goes as she is flying across the hallway once again. Apparently she has gotten into one of the rooms that she isn't supposed to be and is running around in victory of stealing a toy. I start back into my story, yet again and the door chimes again, "front door". "They won't let me have the bike! Daddy said he would teach me how to ride without training wheels!" Excuse me. "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating? Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast. We will fix it all then." The dog runs across, once again. I believe we were able to get through several bites and the littlest one comes in with pure panic on her face. Patenna (McKenna) fell down and is bweeding! "Oh Lord! Can she walk? Ask her to come inside." She tan't walk, she's BWEEDING! As if on queue, the puppy runs across and back again as if in emphasis of he impending doom that awaited us.
Robby jumps up and comes to her aid. She had fallen while using her roller blades and skinned her "bad eh-bow" (she broke her elbow a few months back, yes you can do that). She had a spot of blood on her elbow and she was walking but acted as though she needed a wheelchair. I took a deep breath and looked at mom and David. We all just started laughing. What a nice relaxing breakfast we were having. I started winking and twitching like I was starting to get a tick. No sooner than my sarcasm overtakes me, one more child comes through and asks about something that was not an emergency. I didn't even respond. We just all started moving in different directions showing our defeat trying to get some peace and the guys went outside to play with the kids while we cleaned up from breakfast as the dog runs back across the hallway.
I did find out why she was acting so crazy. She had gotten into the girls room and stole a stuffed baby puppy. She thought she had done something big! Mom and I cleaned up and watched the kids play and learn how to ride their bike without training wheels. The boys threw the football and the girls painted on the hammock. It looked so peaceful to watch them play outside. Looks can be deceiving. The morning was pure chaos. When they are gone, we miss it.
I have never in my life been on such an emotional roller coaster. Either they are in tears or I am most weekends. I feel like we should have this figured out by now but as my own sweet guardian angel and mom of 4 told me, we just started. I can't expect to have figured anything out yet and that is ok. There's so many things no one could ever understand that is going on behind the scenes. The accusations and tears, the emotional children being told to keep secrets and using the children's fears to get what they want. Dealing with emotional abuse and fearing what's going on that we don't know about. Knowing that the only power we have is prayer and not liking the feeling of having no control. Prayer can change things but it's hard to let that be your secret weapon. From the outside it looks like you are "taking" what's being dished out. It's humbling.
You may not can get through 5 minutes without some sort of "emergency " or one week without a lawyer calling or a threat from your ex but it's ok. Sometimes the hardest, most challenging and craziest things are what helps us be who we need to be. Sometimes it's the unexpected emotions that make us realize it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't reflect badly on your mothering skills to have a revolving door, it means your children are human and so are you. It's ok to want to hide in the closet and put a sign on the door that reads "Out of the office". Hang up your superwoman cape. She is only real in comics and movies. Just breathe. Plaster a smile on your face, force yourself not to scream at your children and remember that in moments they will not be right down the hall and forgetting to shut their doors. The dog won't be stealing their toys, she'll be whining by their doors because they don't live their anymore. Enjoy the chaos and smile through the tears. Besides, it all makes for a great story!
Monday, August 31, 2015
PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE
One of the hardest things I've ever done is parent my kids through my divorce. It has been harder than walking away from a detrimental relationship, a church I loved and even telling my family what the truth was in my marriage. It was harder than receiving a 5 page hand written letter blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong in my marriage and his family's life. It was harder than having people I thought loved me, turn their back on me or "break fellowship" with me so their name wouldn't be lumped in with mine. It was harder than showing up to church acting as if nothing was wrong. It was harder than helping other people manage their heartbreak when I could hardly breathe through mine. Some people may not understand how parenting through divorce could be so difficult but the ones that have been there or are there, get it completely!
From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.
This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.
You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.
I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.
When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.
The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.
From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.
This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.
You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.
I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.
When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.
The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.
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