When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that she knew something was wrong when I got quiet. I know it is hard to imagine that I was such a motor mouth. That still describes me today. I have not written in this blog for over two months. I have been in the fight of my life. I have been hit from every angle, home, church, play, kids, family, ex's, coaching, and in my marriage. The Devil has been allowed to rain his terror on my life.
Here are some things I have discovered. He would not be fighting if he had victory over my life. He would not be fighting if there wasn't Someone to fight against. He would not be fighting if God hadn't allowed it. For a short time, I allowed the Devil to tell me that I had no purpose except to ruin everyone's life that I touched. For a short time, I allowed him to convince me that I had no place in this world. Did you catch that? I ALLOWED. I allowed him to reign in my mind. Past tense.
I couldn't speak for all the pain and anger that was at the surface. I couldn't speak because all I wanted to do was declare the injustice. I couldn't speak to someone that needed encouragement because I was as low as I have ever been. I couldn't speak through the grip of depression. I couldn't speak through the hurt. A friend pointed out that my tone sounded harsh and I wasn't even mad. It hurt me but it made me stop and think. Was that true? Was all the things in my life coming out in my tone even when I thought I had covered my hurt so well?
The black cloud was swirling all around me again and the pit that was looming at my feet, I had finally succumbed to. I was but broken glass at the bottom of the pit, unable to see the Light. I swore I would never be there again but here I am, feeling like God wasted precious time on me.
When I was a teenager, I went to camp and these girls tried to play a prank on my by attempting to syran me to my bunk bed. After they were done, someone screamed like something was wrong, I wasn't even aware of what had happened. All I could think about was someone was in need. I got out of the syran wrap and jumped to the floor. There were 20 girls with their mouths wide open that couldn't believe I had gotten free. That is exactly how I felt when I broke free of that black cloud. I had a burst of anger for the tricks that had been played on my mind and irritation that I allowed it and in one swift jump, I had wiggled free of the blackness that was blinding me.
I am still building the ladder that is helping me climb out of the pit. Each rung looks like it is built from words. If you look at it closely, you will see Jeremiah 31:3 on the first one, "...I have loved you with everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." The next one reads, Malachi 3:6, "For I am the Lord, I change not;" As I felt the truth from each verse resonate through my body, I closed my eyes and allowed His strength fill me. As I opened my eyes in faith, another rung on the ladder had formed. Psalms 27:14, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall stregthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." I'm not "there" yet but I keep climbing. I am not allowing the Devil to reign supreme in my mind. He is not welcome here. He may have felt like he had a cushy seat to my mental demise, but that chair was broken up by the sword of Truth.
Sometimes I still cannot speak for the heaviness in my heart. Forgive me. I have learned that each "trial", hardship, valley, tough time, is a building block for the next one. Doesn't that sound exciting? I don't think so either. However, I believe that we are ordained to go through these times so we will build a closer relationship with God. Each time may be tougher than before, but if we use it to further God's love and message, it will serve the purpose that was intended.
If you are in the pit, have faith. Claim his promises and the rungs of the ladder will appear for you too. Don't give up. Allow this to push you towards God, not away. I am not searching for validation or pity. I was reminded today that I am WANTED and LOVED. Let this be a reminder to you that you too are LOVED, WANTED and God has a PLAN that only YOU can fulfill.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
ALREADY THERE
For the past few weeks, I had been writing out my story to speak at a women's retreat. I have relived moments I haven't thought of in a very long time. As I sat at my desk and wrote each word, I could feel the presence of the Lord in that room as if He was sitting beside me. I cried, laughed and sang His praises. Some of it was hard to remember. I have worked very hard at forgetting some things that have left major scars. Some things I still experience "phantom pains" from and I thought those pains would resurface. Instead, God showed me what we have come through together. He's shown me how He is building on what I've gone through to prepare me for the future.
I didn't realize as I was going through all of that growth, it was preparing me for even more. At times, I can see the past. I can sit in a room and the walls fade away, with me in the center. I sit there and the moments and people from the past step into my view. I hear the noises, smell the fragrance, feel the coolness of the night, and see their eyes as if they were still looking at me. Every breath I took, I take again. I see the events unfold and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. The ghosts of my past do not hear me. The me that I see cannot heed the warning or advice that is on the tip of my tongue as I watch.
I am in that place where in a few years, my walls will again fade and I will want to tell my past self something that only my future self knows. What would that advice be? What am I doing in this present moment that I would wish differently in times to come? How can one know that? That about drives me crazy thinking about it. Then. Then, I think. I think about the One that was with me then and is with me now. How do I know what I should do? How will I prevent a mistake that I cannot undo? I ask the One who is with me now and Who will be with me then. How silly that may sound but it is true. It isn't the answer we want, is it? We want to fix everything and then allow God to step in when we get stuck or make a bigger mess just to call on Him to fix it plus clean up the mess we created. It drives me crazy to feel helpless. It physically makes me feel "heavy", like I am running in water, to see a problem and not be able to make it go away. My younger self would just barge ahead and let come what may. I knew I was right. So there!
Now, I can see events unfolding. I can see potential mistakes. I can see the damage that will change my world and the world of those around me that people are creating. I sit and watch like I am watching a movie and the actors cannot see or hear me. I sit there helpless to change anything in my own power. However, I know Someone. The wind and seas obey His every whim. The planets spin on their axis because He caused it to be so. The mountain I climb, He has gone before me. The valley, I fear, He is with me even there. He breathed the very life into my body. I will not be afraid. I will not feel helpless because He has gone before me.
As I sit and the walls fall apart and the events of the past unfold before my eyes, I look with new eyes. I see the hand of God even when I couldn't feel it at the time. I stepped out in faith and although I didn't see the "net" it was always there. Even now, as things transpire in my life that I cannot control, I will trust that He is in control. He wants better for me than even I want for myself. I will take heart because He is already there.
I didn't realize as I was going through all of that growth, it was preparing me for even more. At times, I can see the past. I can sit in a room and the walls fade away, with me in the center. I sit there and the moments and people from the past step into my view. I hear the noises, smell the fragrance, feel the coolness of the night, and see their eyes as if they were still looking at me. Every breath I took, I take again. I see the events unfold and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. The ghosts of my past do not hear me. The me that I see cannot heed the warning or advice that is on the tip of my tongue as I watch.
I am in that place where in a few years, my walls will again fade and I will want to tell my past self something that only my future self knows. What would that advice be? What am I doing in this present moment that I would wish differently in times to come? How can one know that? That about drives me crazy thinking about it. Then. Then, I think. I think about the One that was with me then and is with me now. How do I know what I should do? How will I prevent a mistake that I cannot undo? I ask the One who is with me now and Who will be with me then. How silly that may sound but it is true. It isn't the answer we want, is it? We want to fix everything and then allow God to step in when we get stuck or make a bigger mess just to call on Him to fix it plus clean up the mess we created. It drives me crazy to feel helpless. It physically makes me feel "heavy", like I am running in water, to see a problem and not be able to make it go away. My younger self would just barge ahead and let come what may. I knew I was right. So there!
Now, I can see events unfolding. I can see potential mistakes. I can see the damage that will change my world and the world of those around me that people are creating. I sit and watch like I am watching a movie and the actors cannot see or hear me. I sit there helpless to change anything in my own power. However, I know Someone. The wind and seas obey His every whim. The planets spin on their axis because He caused it to be so. The mountain I climb, He has gone before me. The valley, I fear, He is with me even there. He breathed the very life into my body. I will not be afraid. I will not feel helpless because He has gone before me.
As I sit and the walls fall apart and the events of the past unfold before my eyes, I look with new eyes. I see the hand of God even when I couldn't feel it at the time. I stepped out in faith and although I didn't see the "net" it was always there. Even now, as things transpire in my life that I cannot control, I will trust that He is in control. He wants better for me than even I want for myself. I will take heart because He is already there.
Monday, May 9, 2016
DECLARING WAR
I was reading my Bible today and came across a verse that said "For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in a multitude of counsellors there is safety." Just a brief time earlier a statement was made that we need to go to our "war room" about a very important matter that needed prayer. As soon as I read that verse, I felt as if God was confirming those very words.
I decided that I am declaring war. I am declaring war on fear and doubt. I am declaring war on confusion. I am declaring war on hopelessness. I am declaring war on division. I am declaring war on pride. I am declaring war on my inhibitions. I am declaring war on ungratefulness. I am declaring war on selfishness. I am declaring war on the lies. I am declaring war on the belief that we need to be afraid to talk about God. I am declaring war on allowing the secular world determine how Christians speak. I am declaring war on lies that we have believed that we were "born that way." I am declaring war against maliciousness. I am declaring war against arrogance. I am declaring war on the belief that we cannot rise above our circumstances. I am declaring war for the ones that are suffering some form of abuse. I am declaring war against separation and divorce. I am declaring war for the ones that are not strong enough to declare war themselves. The lines have been drawn and the battle cry has been heard. What side will you be on? Will you be bullied into believing that we cannot change our circumstances, America and even the world? Are you convinced that no one cares? Do you tell yourself that if you weren't here, you wouldn't even be missed? Have you been told you are worthless? Do you see where our homes are headed? Do you see where America is headed? Are you blind, don't care or have been convinced that this is "progress"?
STAND AND FIGHT something bigger than yourself. We are the Isrealites sitting in our camps surrounded by other soldiers that are being bullied by ONE Philistine. We are all sitting there biting our nails and talking to each other about the insurmountable odds that we are facing but aren't willing to TRY. I will be David and say, "Is there not a cause?" Stand and fight because God is bigger than any giant you face. He is bigger than any mountain that you climb. He is bigger than any bully you are facing. He is bigger than any obstacle that you are staring at. He is bigger than any hardened heart. He can conquer our foes if we will stand and fight. TRY. Don't wonder if prayer will change anything. Just do it. Don't say our nation is going to hell in a hand basket but refuse to go out and vote. Don't allow yourself to be abused and bullied without trying to fight in some way.
DECLARE WAR. I cannot fight all the battles that I am facing at one time, but I am not alone in the battles I face. I will not fight all these battles in a public setting or even in a voting booth but I will fight these battles on my knees. That may sound like surrender to the untrained ear but to me it sounds like imminent defeat of my foes. I will not take any injustice without a fight. I will not allow someone to bully me into surrendering my rights. I will not allow someone to take away my safety or the safety of those I love because their platform is bigger than mine. I know the One who created the tree and the humans that cut down that tree to make the wood of the platform that they stand on. My opposition will rise and fall but the power of my God will always be.
WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? Pick a side. You cannot remain neutral in the fight that we are taking on in our homes, in America and in the world. Grow a backbone and pick a side. Quit worrying about what other people think. They can be on the losing side if they want to be. Show your kids how to fight and show them on bent knees.
STAND ALONE. Even if no one will join me, I will stand alone. If God is for me, I am never alone. If God used a donkey to open the eyes of Balaam, God can surely use me. Sometimes, you have to be completely against all odds in order for the world to see that it truly was God. No one will listen to you? You have done all you can do? PERFECT! Now let go and let God.
I declare war. I will step into my war room and strategize with my Commander and Chief and together, we will win this battle that I am fighting. Together we will show the ones that do not see how it looks to fight a battle on your knees. We will show the ones that do not believe what it looks like, in spite of all odds, to win a battle that was impossible to survive. Stand back and watch God as He moves mountains, defeats armies and changes a nation with the belief of one. Stand back as He takes the ones that were against me and with the sound of His voice they surrender. Stand back as He changes me. Stand back and watch as He takes His nail scarred hands that have scooped up little children and sat them on His knees, to take out my enemies. Be amazed at Who He is and what He will do. I declare war, will you?
I decided that I am declaring war. I am declaring war on fear and doubt. I am declaring war on confusion. I am declaring war on hopelessness. I am declaring war on division. I am declaring war on pride. I am declaring war on my inhibitions. I am declaring war on ungratefulness. I am declaring war on selfishness. I am declaring war on the lies. I am declaring war on the belief that we need to be afraid to talk about God. I am declaring war on allowing the secular world determine how Christians speak. I am declaring war on lies that we have believed that we were "born that way." I am declaring war against maliciousness. I am declaring war against arrogance. I am declaring war on the belief that we cannot rise above our circumstances. I am declaring war for the ones that are suffering some form of abuse. I am declaring war against separation and divorce. I am declaring war for the ones that are not strong enough to declare war themselves. The lines have been drawn and the battle cry has been heard. What side will you be on? Will you be bullied into believing that we cannot change our circumstances, America and even the world? Are you convinced that no one cares? Do you tell yourself that if you weren't here, you wouldn't even be missed? Have you been told you are worthless? Do you see where our homes are headed? Do you see where America is headed? Are you blind, don't care or have been convinced that this is "progress"?
STAND AND FIGHT something bigger than yourself. We are the Isrealites sitting in our camps surrounded by other soldiers that are being bullied by ONE Philistine. We are all sitting there biting our nails and talking to each other about the insurmountable odds that we are facing but aren't willing to TRY. I will be David and say, "Is there not a cause?" Stand and fight because God is bigger than any giant you face. He is bigger than any mountain that you climb. He is bigger than any bully you are facing. He is bigger than any obstacle that you are staring at. He is bigger than any hardened heart. He can conquer our foes if we will stand and fight. TRY. Don't wonder if prayer will change anything. Just do it. Don't say our nation is going to hell in a hand basket but refuse to go out and vote. Don't allow yourself to be abused and bullied without trying to fight in some way.
DECLARE WAR. I cannot fight all the battles that I am facing at one time, but I am not alone in the battles I face. I will not fight all these battles in a public setting or even in a voting booth but I will fight these battles on my knees. That may sound like surrender to the untrained ear but to me it sounds like imminent defeat of my foes. I will not take any injustice without a fight. I will not allow someone to bully me into surrendering my rights. I will not allow someone to take away my safety or the safety of those I love because their platform is bigger than mine. I know the One who created the tree and the humans that cut down that tree to make the wood of the platform that they stand on. My opposition will rise and fall but the power of my God will always be.
WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? Pick a side. You cannot remain neutral in the fight that we are taking on in our homes, in America and in the world. Grow a backbone and pick a side. Quit worrying about what other people think. They can be on the losing side if they want to be. Show your kids how to fight and show them on bent knees.
STAND ALONE. Even if no one will join me, I will stand alone. If God is for me, I am never alone. If God used a donkey to open the eyes of Balaam, God can surely use me. Sometimes, you have to be completely against all odds in order for the world to see that it truly was God. No one will listen to you? You have done all you can do? PERFECT! Now let go and let God.
I declare war. I will step into my war room and strategize with my Commander and Chief and together, we will win this battle that I am fighting. Together we will show the ones that do not see how it looks to fight a battle on your knees. We will show the ones that do not believe what it looks like, in spite of all odds, to win a battle that was impossible to survive. Stand back and watch God as He moves mountains, defeats armies and changes a nation with the belief of one. Stand back as He takes the ones that were against me and with the sound of His voice they surrender. Stand back as He changes me. Stand back and watch as He takes His nail scarred hands that have scooped up little children and sat them on His knees, to take out my enemies. Be amazed at Who He is and what He will do. I declare war, will you?
Monday, May 2, 2016
LEAVE THE STUMP
Daniel 4:14 & 15 "... Hew down the tree, and cut down the tree, and cut off the branches, shake off his leaves,and scatter his fruit: let the beasts get away from under it, and the fowls from his branches: Nethertheless, leave the stump of his roots in the earth, even with a band of iron and brass, in the tender grass of the field;..."
When I was a young, naive adult, I was convinced that depression meant that you didn't have a relationship with God and the use of medication showed your lack of faith. There are so many variables in regards to medication so hold the debate on that. However, I went through a deep, dark and lonely depression. I felt so heavy. I felt hopeless. I felt like I would never recover. I felt like I was beyond recognition. Even if I prayed, God couldn't recognize the shell that I was. I hated nighttime but I hated trying to get out of bed even more. I WANTED to go out and have a good time but I couldn't get motivated. Everything that I said sounded negative. I put off a vibe where it felt as if I repelled people. I was in this place that I desperately wanted out of but couldn't move. I was weighed down and hated it.
My world had completely changed. In some ways I was relieved to be out of a volitle situation and in other ways, I was lost. I could make my own decisions but everything was scary and seemed impossible. I walked with God. I knew He could change everything but it was if my humanity couldn't look through the darkness and see the Light. I didn't feel like I had any friends I could lean on. My family and I were not close at that time and I was scared of my ex. I lived in constant fear of my kids being taken away. I was working any side job I could find to put food on the table. I had a job of cleaning a rental property where I had to tuck my pants inside my jeans and tape my boots shut so no creepy crawlers would get inside. I had to be careful to only step on floor joist because the animal waste had seeped through the carpet and the flooring until it was rotten. I pulled the carpet up, rolled it up and threw it on a trailer along with a black trash bag full of empty pill bottles. There were clothes, toys and a refrigerator and cabinets full of rotten food. I would go clean every day when the kids would leave for school and come home to throw my clothes directly into the washing machine in enough time to change and pick up the kids again. I loaded up an innumerable amount of trash into a truck and trailer and would unload it at a nearby dump. I did all that for less than you can imagine. It was enough to feed us on, pay some bills and attempt to keep my kids in school.
No one knew. No one knew how much I would have liked to get gussied up and get my nails done or go to a 9-5 job and be able to make ends meet. No one knew how I would have like to have not slept every night with a knife in my hand and many hid all over the house. I would have liked to have gone to church to listen to the preacher instead of constantly looking for the nearest exit away from my ex just to get pinned in a corner with him. No one helped me. No one rescued me. No one knew.
I felt low. I felt stupid for getting myself in that mess. I felt angry for feeling that I needed to hide my situation because I didn't want my kids having to live with "the sins of the father." I would lay in bed at night and the darkness felt like it would swallow me whole. As much as I hated the darkness, knowing that morning was coming wasn't any more of a relief. I prayed. I read my bible. I believed in God but I hadn't counted in my humanity. My humanity "weighed me down."
It felt like there was a black hole looming and no matter where I went, it was there. If I thought I was walking away from it, I would look up and it would be even closer than before. I started feeling hopelessness creep into my mind. I started feeling muddled. I was so confused. Nothing in my life made sense. I didn't feel like anything else could hit me and make me feel any worse, any lower than I felt at that time. What I didn't realize when I was in "the pit" was God was still protecting me even when I felt the most vulnerable. He was still listening even when I thought He didn't even know who I was anymore. He took all my fruit, trimmed my limbs, and cut back my branches but he put a "band of brass and iron" to protect the stump that was me. He didn't allow my roots to be destroyed. He allowed me to be taken down to nothing but protected me in the process. I remained, rooted in Him. Then, before I even realized it, I started to grow again. His light came through. He put friends, verses, sermons, wisdom from my children, lessons from nature in front of my eyes and wouldn't relent until I saw His purpose for each thing.
That pit still looms at times and I still bear scars but where all that was left of me was a stump, there now grows a budding tree. It was painful to grow but once I did, I started feeling hope once again. I started seeing that the fear and confusion was strategically put in my heart by the Devil to block God's voice. When I felt alone, it was my own humanity trying to tell God I could do it in my own strength. The people in my life that scared me, do not own me. I am a child of the King and He is my stay. (Psalms 18:17&18) I thank God every day that He "left the stump" and allowed me, in His sovereignty, to grow once again.
When I was a young, naive adult, I was convinced that depression meant that you didn't have a relationship with God and the use of medication showed your lack of faith. There are so many variables in regards to medication so hold the debate on that. However, I went through a deep, dark and lonely depression. I felt so heavy. I felt hopeless. I felt like I would never recover. I felt like I was beyond recognition. Even if I prayed, God couldn't recognize the shell that I was. I hated nighttime but I hated trying to get out of bed even more. I WANTED to go out and have a good time but I couldn't get motivated. Everything that I said sounded negative. I put off a vibe where it felt as if I repelled people. I was in this place that I desperately wanted out of but couldn't move. I was weighed down and hated it.
My world had completely changed. In some ways I was relieved to be out of a volitle situation and in other ways, I was lost. I could make my own decisions but everything was scary and seemed impossible. I walked with God. I knew He could change everything but it was if my humanity couldn't look through the darkness and see the Light. I didn't feel like I had any friends I could lean on. My family and I were not close at that time and I was scared of my ex. I lived in constant fear of my kids being taken away. I was working any side job I could find to put food on the table. I had a job of cleaning a rental property where I had to tuck my pants inside my jeans and tape my boots shut so no creepy crawlers would get inside. I had to be careful to only step on floor joist because the animal waste had seeped through the carpet and the flooring until it was rotten. I pulled the carpet up, rolled it up and threw it on a trailer along with a black trash bag full of empty pill bottles. There were clothes, toys and a refrigerator and cabinets full of rotten food. I would go clean every day when the kids would leave for school and come home to throw my clothes directly into the washing machine in enough time to change and pick up the kids again. I loaded up an innumerable amount of trash into a truck and trailer and would unload it at a nearby dump. I did all that for less than you can imagine. It was enough to feed us on, pay some bills and attempt to keep my kids in school.
No one knew. No one knew how much I would have liked to get gussied up and get my nails done or go to a 9-5 job and be able to make ends meet. No one knew how I would have like to have not slept every night with a knife in my hand and many hid all over the house. I would have liked to have gone to church to listen to the preacher instead of constantly looking for the nearest exit away from my ex just to get pinned in a corner with him. No one helped me. No one rescued me. No one knew.
I felt low. I felt stupid for getting myself in that mess. I felt angry for feeling that I needed to hide my situation because I didn't want my kids having to live with "the sins of the father." I would lay in bed at night and the darkness felt like it would swallow me whole. As much as I hated the darkness, knowing that morning was coming wasn't any more of a relief. I prayed. I read my bible. I believed in God but I hadn't counted in my humanity. My humanity "weighed me down."
It felt like there was a black hole looming and no matter where I went, it was there. If I thought I was walking away from it, I would look up and it would be even closer than before. I started feeling hopelessness creep into my mind. I started feeling muddled. I was so confused. Nothing in my life made sense. I didn't feel like anything else could hit me and make me feel any worse, any lower than I felt at that time. What I didn't realize when I was in "the pit" was God was still protecting me even when I felt the most vulnerable. He was still listening even when I thought He didn't even know who I was anymore. He took all my fruit, trimmed my limbs, and cut back my branches but he put a "band of brass and iron" to protect the stump that was me. He didn't allow my roots to be destroyed. He allowed me to be taken down to nothing but protected me in the process. I remained, rooted in Him. Then, before I even realized it, I started to grow again. His light came through. He put friends, verses, sermons, wisdom from my children, lessons from nature in front of my eyes and wouldn't relent until I saw His purpose for each thing.
That pit still looms at times and I still bear scars but where all that was left of me was a stump, there now grows a budding tree. It was painful to grow but once I did, I started feeling hope once again. I started seeing that the fear and confusion was strategically put in my heart by the Devil to block God's voice. When I felt alone, it was my own humanity trying to tell God I could do it in my own strength. The people in my life that scared me, do not own me. I am a child of the King and He is my stay. (Psalms 18:17&18) I thank God every day that He "left the stump" and allowed me, in His sovereignty, to grow once again.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
WHEN LOVE GETS TIRED
I've heard many times that love can see you through. Love conquers all. Love is all you need. So... What happens when love gets tired? What happens when you are tired of covering sins with mountains of love? What happens when you love someone that continually hurts you? Can love run out? I've asked myself that so many times. How can someone take constant "abuse" and still love? The verse comes to mind, 1 Corinthians 13:4&7 where it talks of charity or love suffering long and endures all things. If that's the case, than doesn't that answer the question?
You may think it sounds feeble to reference the Bible or even a way to justify my thoughts but hang with me for a minute. So many times I think about God's love towards His children and the love I have towards my own. How would I answer those questions I asked above if I view it from the love of a mother? Do we only display unconditional love for our children and not for our spouse, co-workers, friends and family? Think about how God created Eden. Everything was perfect. You couldn't have asked for anything better or more. Do you know what happened? They wanted the one thing they couldn't have and their perfect world was gone. What about our kids? We give them everything. We give them a home, clothes, food, love, discipline, schooling, college and much, much more. Are they satisfied? Do they REALLY appreciate what is given to them? Then, why do we love them still?
I have this working theory about our spouses. We start dating and we feel like they are the answers to the questions we have. We feel that they are the "ying" to our "yang" and then it happens. You've been married for a little while and they do that thing. You know the thing that makes your hair stand on end? Some days you can brush it off and others you feel like you will come unglued. You may have a little crack in your armor and they know exactly where it is and constantly poke at it causing the crack to get bigger and bigger. That amazing love you have for them starts getting depleted. Then, one day before you realized what happened, you don't even like each other much less love each other. The love that conquered all is failing you. What do you do? Does this mean that you have "fallen out" of love? Does this mean imminent divorce?
I believe love is a choice. God didn't have to create us. He chose to. He chose to love His creation. He was selfless and that is what love is. Love sacrifices but because it is love, it doesn't feel as if it a sacrifice. I believe that is because God IS love (1 John 4:8). Therefore HIS love is perfect! Why does it seem that we can't cover those things with our own love? 1 John 4:12 says His love is perfected in us. Perfected means to bring to completion. We are a work in progress. We are incomplete. Only through God can we love like that. Where we are lacking, He is there. Where we struggle, He is the strength at the end of us to help us to keep going. You may think that God is only for weak people. Let me assure you that it takes a strong person to admit that they NEED Him. It takes a lot more for me to admit that I am lacking than it does for me to try to fix everything and everyone around me.
Our love may get tired. We may get tired of being hurt over and over and over again and still loving the one that does the hurting but His love never tires. His love covers it all. If we utilize His strength and depend on HIM, our love will never tire because it is His love that will come through us. Think of this:
Did you know that the moon doesn't shine without the sun? The moon reflects the sun and shines on us all. Did you know that the moon only reflects in between 3 and 12% of the sunlight that hits it? Think about how bright the sun can be. Now, compare the moon to the sun. God is the sun and we are the moon. Do you see the difference? The moon has no significance unless the sun shines on it. It lights up the night sometimes but it also goes through phases. Sometimes the moon is closer to the one that is shines on and sometimes it is farther away. The moon is like a mirror, albeit not a clear one, that reflects the sun and shares that light with the earth.
When your love is tired, are you reflecting the Son like you should be? How close are you to the ones you should be sharing your light with? What phase are you going through? We all go through phases, just as the moon goes through its phases. John 17:22 & 23, "And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as though hast loved me."
We may get tired of the hurt, rejection or feeling like we are on repeat all the time but if we use the light/love that He gives us, we will not fail or falter.
You may think it sounds feeble to reference the Bible or even a way to justify my thoughts but hang with me for a minute. So many times I think about God's love towards His children and the love I have towards my own. How would I answer those questions I asked above if I view it from the love of a mother? Do we only display unconditional love for our children and not for our spouse, co-workers, friends and family? Think about how God created Eden. Everything was perfect. You couldn't have asked for anything better or more. Do you know what happened? They wanted the one thing they couldn't have and their perfect world was gone. What about our kids? We give them everything. We give them a home, clothes, food, love, discipline, schooling, college and much, much more. Are they satisfied? Do they REALLY appreciate what is given to them? Then, why do we love them still?
I have this working theory about our spouses. We start dating and we feel like they are the answers to the questions we have. We feel that they are the "ying" to our "yang" and then it happens. You've been married for a little while and they do that thing. You know the thing that makes your hair stand on end? Some days you can brush it off and others you feel like you will come unglued. You may have a little crack in your armor and they know exactly where it is and constantly poke at it causing the crack to get bigger and bigger. That amazing love you have for them starts getting depleted. Then, one day before you realized what happened, you don't even like each other much less love each other. The love that conquered all is failing you. What do you do? Does this mean that you have "fallen out" of love? Does this mean imminent divorce?
I believe love is a choice. God didn't have to create us. He chose to. He chose to love His creation. He was selfless and that is what love is. Love sacrifices but because it is love, it doesn't feel as if it a sacrifice. I believe that is because God IS love (1 John 4:8). Therefore HIS love is perfect! Why does it seem that we can't cover those things with our own love? 1 John 4:12 says His love is perfected in us. Perfected means to bring to completion. We are a work in progress. We are incomplete. Only through God can we love like that. Where we are lacking, He is there. Where we struggle, He is the strength at the end of us to help us to keep going. You may think that God is only for weak people. Let me assure you that it takes a strong person to admit that they NEED Him. It takes a lot more for me to admit that I am lacking than it does for me to try to fix everything and everyone around me.
Our love may get tired. We may get tired of being hurt over and over and over again and still loving the one that does the hurting but His love never tires. His love covers it all. If we utilize His strength and depend on HIM, our love will never tire because it is His love that will come through us. Think of this:
Did you know that the moon doesn't shine without the sun? The moon reflects the sun and shines on us all. Did you know that the moon only reflects in between 3 and 12% of the sunlight that hits it? Think about how bright the sun can be. Now, compare the moon to the sun. God is the sun and we are the moon. Do you see the difference? The moon has no significance unless the sun shines on it. It lights up the night sometimes but it also goes through phases. Sometimes the moon is closer to the one that is shines on and sometimes it is farther away. The moon is like a mirror, albeit not a clear one, that reflects the sun and shares that light with the earth.
When your love is tired, are you reflecting the Son like you should be? How close are you to the ones you should be sharing your light with? What phase are you going through? We all go through phases, just as the moon goes through its phases. John 17:22 & 23, "And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as though hast loved me."
We may get tired of the hurt, rejection or feeling like we are on repeat all the time but if we use the light/love that He gives us, we will not fail or falter.
Monday, April 4, 2016
JUST BREATHE
I LOVE to write. I LOVE to talk to people too. When I write, I feel like someone else is on the other side of this screen that is drinking in what I am saying and will no longer feel alone in their struggle or getting a laugh at what I am saying. When I cannot sort through my emotions, I rarely talk about what it going on in my mind. If I do, I end up talking about things that has nothing to do with anything and rambling on about something completely insignificant. If I am struggling with confusion and anger and I speak or write, it will not be in the right spirit and I do not want to lead someone to think something that is incorrect about my life or about what action to take in their own. Therefore, I have not been as faithful in my blogging as I want to be. Sometimes, the struggle is currently going on or we are on the other side of it and it is too fresh. I want those of you that enjoy my blogs to continue to do so and not feel the need to have me committed.
I'm working on a project for an event coming up and in that work, I have been doing a little research on needing God DAILY. I believe that God is now trying me out to see if I believe what I say I believe. This week, I will be married for 10 months. To those of you that have been married for 20 years plus years, I can almost hear you chuckle as I say how thankful I am we made it for 10 months! My husband is a great man and I love him more than I ever knew possible to love someone that you have only known for such a short time. We are both divorced and are blending our families. You know you love each other when... One of my "whens" is making order out of chaos with our families. I have always like order and since we have been together that is not something I would associate with our lives or our house. I believe VERY strongly about just about everything and I have a very nonchalant husband. He is avid about his job and I about the children. We deal with our exes and our own emotions in regards to those exes. We deal with our guilt about not being with our children all the time and missing out on some of their milestones. We deal with different parenting methods. We deal with so many things, you wouldn't believe it or would have the time to read it all. It can be OVERWHELMING.
Right before I sat down to write this, I had to take several deep breaths to calm my self down and get my heart rate back to normal. If I don't, I am at risk for having a panic attack. That's embarrassing to admit. When I was younger, I believed those attacks were a sign that the person didn't have enough faith. Now, I know it is when I am trying to depend on myself rather than on the Lord. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great it thy faithfulness." They are new every morning. I need that. My problem is, I try to take on a month at a time and sometimes a few years. When I think about the future in some areas, I cringe. I panic. I want to crawl in the bed and hide under the covers. I can't do that or I will forget to enjoy today and I won't be able to deal with it all. We aren't built to carry all of that at once. I know that, but sometimes I have to just breathe, shake off my worries while I am laying them in God's hands. I may have to do that every hour upon the hour but I do it.
God has given you the very air you breathe and the ability to take that breath. Why would He waste time on something that precious? The answer is: He wouldn't. We are precious to Him. He tries us to make us grow. (Personally, I feel like I should be a giant by now) Growing is painful but it is necessary and if you know me, you know a little growth would do me some good!! This may feel silly but it really works! Take a second and inhale really deep and let it out slowly. Now, do it again and think of those verses. Tell God that you are laying your worries, burdens and future in His capable hands and you NEED Him to get you through today. You may have to do that several times today and then again tomorrow but JUST BREATHE. He's got this!!
I'm working on a project for an event coming up and in that work, I have been doing a little research on needing God DAILY. I believe that God is now trying me out to see if I believe what I say I believe. This week, I will be married for 10 months. To those of you that have been married for 20 years plus years, I can almost hear you chuckle as I say how thankful I am we made it for 10 months! My husband is a great man and I love him more than I ever knew possible to love someone that you have only known for such a short time. We are both divorced and are blending our families. You know you love each other when... One of my "whens" is making order out of chaos with our families. I have always like order and since we have been together that is not something I would associate with our lives or our house. I believe VERY strongly about just about everything and I have a very nonchalant husband. He is avid about his job and I about the children. We deal with our exes and our own emotions in regards to those exes. We deal with our guilt about not being with our children all the time and missing out on some of their milestones. We deal with different parenting methods. We deal with so many things, you wouldn't believe it or would have the time to read it all. It can be OVERWHELMING.
Right before I sat down to write this, I had to take several deep breaths to calm my self down and get my heart rate back to normal. If I don't, I am at risk for having a panic attack. That's embarrassing to admit. When I was younger, I believed those attacks were a sign that the person didn't have enough faith. Now, I know it is when I am trying to depend on myself rather than on the Lord. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great it thy faithfulness." They are new every morning. I need that. My problem is, I try to take on a month at a time and sometimes a few years. When I think about the future in some areas, I cringe. I panic. I want to crawl in the bed and hide under the covers. I can't do that or I will forget to enjoy today and I won't be able to deal with it all. We aren't built to carry all of that at once. I know that, but sometimes I have to just breathe, shake off my worries while I am laying them in God's hands. I may have to do that every hour upon the hour but I do it.
God has given you the very air you breathe and the ability to take that breath. Why would He waste time on something that precious? The answer is: He wouldn't. We are precious to Him. He tries us to make us grow. (Personally, I feel like I should be a giant by now) Growing is painful but it is necessary and if you know me, you know a little growth would do me some good!! This may feel silly but it really works! Take a second and inhale really deep and let it out slowly. Now, do it again and think of those verses. Tell God that you are laying your worries, burdens and future in His capable hands and you NEED Him to get you through today. You may have to do that several times today and then again tomorrow but JUST BREATHE. He's got this!!
Friday, March 25, 2016
LIKE A STEP-CHILD
How many times have we teased each other saying things like, "I will beat/love you like a redhead step-child"? I was talking to a friend and made such a reference myself. I said, "A woman wants to be loved and cherished as a wife and not feel like a naughty step-child." I immediately felt ashamed. That phrase continued to echo in my mind for the next week. What does it mean to me?
I met my stepchildren about a year and a half ago. I had high hopes and crazy notions that they would love me at first sight and I would heal all wounds and we would fit immediately. I've never met a kid that didn't like me, I would reassure myself. I was brimming with confidence. I guess I thought they would think of me like a fairy that could speak the language that they spoke with the power of my fairy dust. Here I come, full of smiles and some expectations of the magic that I had in tow. To my great surprise, they didn't believe in fairies at all! They looked at me like I carried a secret vile of poison on me at all times. I was an intruder. Their daddy was spending time with me and I was invading their space. What audacity! The littlest was 3 and literally wouldn't look in my direction. If I spoke, she acted like I didn't. I laughed about it but it broke my heart. The second weekend I spent time with them all together, the two oldest started fighting over a stick of deodorant. They were screaming, pulling hair and rolling on the ground. I felt like I was in a scene from "The parent trap" and it wasn't as fun on set as I thought it would be. Their dad didn't even notice until he turned around and saw my face. I'm pretty sure my eyes were as big as possible without popping out of my head and my mouth was wide open. So much for mastering my composure, it was over!
A year and a half later, I have different aspirations. We all have a different relationship than we did then. I expect that will change every stage of their lives and it sometimes it changes daily. Loving a stepchild, a little person you have no connection with other than their parent, is something that is very hard to describe. I've learned to love them very much. At first, I felt a little threatened by them. Their daddy was completely different when they were around. If the girls wanted to go to McDonalds then that's what we did. If they didn't want to eat vegetables or if they wanted ice cream for supper, then by golly, that's what happened. I just about lost my mind. Bear in mind, I am serious about a schedule, making sure they eat properly and they have bows in the hair for church, and they go to bed at a decent time every night, etc. Give me a minute and I can give you a reason for everything I do. My husband is a fly by the seat if ya britches person. Give them what they want it will be ok. Within a few short months they were a part of "Stacy's boot camp". That was NOT the thing to do. They didn't know me and they for sure didn't care to listen to me. It got much worse. Our relationships all suffered in my naivete. I have learned many important things since then. One thing was that love grows slowly and trust us even slower. I have went through some emotions towards them that even when I was in the struggle I knew it was unjust but I didn't know how to make my mind and my heart connect on it. I couldn't "turn off" the struggle even if I knew it wasn't rational.
My bonus daughters represent love that isn't required but still given. There is no guarantee you will love your step kids and they you. They represent more prayers and grey hairs that will never be known. They represent more laundry, for sure! They bring laughter, tears, noise and a whole lot of mess. I strive every day to treat them as if they were my own, even when I don't feel like it. They represent their mother. They represent the children you will not have with their daddy. They represent the past. They bring in drama and destroy the peace but we treat them as if it's the best "disruption" ever and a lot of times, it is. They show me my weaknesses. Your children are very forgiving but your stepchildren (sometimes) are not as much. You don't have that bond like you do with your own children that comes naturally. You have to form it and it takes lots and lots of time. I believe that there is no love like a stepmomma's love. I don't say these things for praise. It is rare a stepmom gets praise. She is more likely to receive criticism. You are the referee. You are the one that ends up being the mediator. When things go awry and they will, you take the blame. Yet, you cannot help but love so deeply even when/if it isn't returned. What does "like a step-child" mean to me? To be treated like a stepchild is to be chosen to be loved beyond measure and without natural cause. Isn't that the same love that God gives to us? A love without measure. A love that will never be returned in the same way. What love! He gave and expected nothing in return. What an amazing gift to give your stepchildren. What a beautiful picture of God that we can paint every day for them to remember, value and never leave them no matter where they go in life. I am so grateful that I get that opportunity and pray that I paint the picture worth of their viewing.
I met my stepchildren about a year and a half ago. I had high hopes and crazy notions that they would love me at first sight and I would heal all wounds and we would fit immediately. I've never met a kid that didn't like me, I would reassure myself. I was brimming with confidence. I guess I thought they would think of me like a fairy that could speak the language that they spoke with the power of my fairy dust. Here I come, full of smiles and some expectations of the magic that I had in tow. To my great surprise, they didn't believe in fairies at all! They looked at me like I carried a secret vile of poison on me at all times. I was an intruder. Their daddy was spending time with me and I was invading their space. What audacity! The littlest was 3 and literally wouldn't look in my direction. If I spoke, she acted like I didn't. I laughed about it but it broke my heart. The second weekend I spent time with them all together, the two oldest started fighting over a stick of deodorant. They were screaming, pulling hair and rolling on the ground. I felt like I was in a scene from "The parent trap" and it wasn't as fun on set as I thought it would be. Their dad didn't even notice until he turned around and saw my face. I'm pretty sure my eyes were as big as possible without popping out of my head and my mouth was wide open. So much for mastering my composure, it was over!
A year and a half later, I have different aspirations. We all have a different relationship than we did then. I expect that will change every stage of their lives and it sometimes it changes daily. Loving a stepchild, a little person you have no connection with other than their parent, is something that is very hard to describe. I've learned to love them very much. At first, I felt a little threatened by them. Their daddy was completely different when they were around. If the girls wanted to go to McDonalds then that's what we did. If they didn't want to eat vegetables or if they wanted ice cream for supper, then by golly, that's what happened. I just about lost my mind. Bear in mind, I am serious about a schedule, making sure they eat properly and they have bows in the hair for church, and they go to bed at a decent time every night, etc. Give me a minute and I can give you a reason for everything I do. My husband is a fly by the seat if ya britches person. Give them what they want it will be ok. Within a few short months they were a part of "Stacy's boot camp". That was NOT the thing to do. They didn't know me and they for sure didn't care to listen to me. It got much worse. Our relationships all suffered in my naivete. I have learned many important things since then. One thing was that love grows slowly and trust us even slower. I have went through some emotions towards them that even when I was in the struggle I knew it was unjust but I didn't know how to make my mind and my heart connect on it. I couldn't "turn off" the struggle even if I knew it wasn't rational.
My bonus daughters represent love that isn't required but still given. There is no guarantee you will love your step kids and they you. They represent more prayers and grey hairs that will never be known. They represent more laundry, for sure! They bring laughter, tears, noise and a whole lot of mess. I strive every day to treat them as if they were my own, even when I don't feel like it. They represent their mother. They represent the children you will not have with their daddy. They represent the past. They bring in drama and destroy the peace but we treat them as if it's the best "disruption" ever and a lot of times, it is. They show me my weaknesses. Your children are very forgiving but your stepchildren (sometimes) are not as much. You don't have that bond like you do with your own children that comes naturally. You have to form it and it takes lots and lots of time. I believe that there is no love like a stepmomma's love. I don't say these things for praise. It is rare a stepmom gets praise. She is more likely to receive criticism. You are the referee. You are the one that ends up being the mediator. When things go awry and they will, you take the blame. Yet, you cannot help but love so deeply even when/if it isn't returned. What does "like a step-child" mean to me? To be treated like a stepchild is to be chosen to be loved beyond measure and without natural cause. Isn't that the same love that God gives to us? A love without measure. A love that will never be returned in the same way. What love! He gave and expected nothing in return. What an amazing gift to give your stepchildren. What a beautiful picture of God that we can paint every day for them to remember, value and never leave them no matter where they go in life. I am so grateful that I get that opportunity and pray that I paint the picture worth of their viewing.
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