BEAUTIFUL MESS

  Lately, I feel like I am overwhelmed with piles of something every time I walk into my house. Actually, I have felt quite discouraged and at a loss of what to do. The promise has been given that every toy in the house will be confiscated if these repeat offenders do not learn there lesson and clean up after themselves.

  I swear, if I have to say, "Pick up after yourselves", one more time, they may lock me in a loony bin. I've got a decluttering plan in the works. Tonight, we have all five kids home and wanting to show off their dancing skills, play games and watch a family movie together. We finished Bingo, which I am the reigning champion, and I pulled out a book while they all got interested in a show on the History channel. I looked up and Robby was lying on the couch with one child wedged in between him and the back cushion, one was on his lap with a pillow lying on his chest, one was scrunched by his legs and both dogs were lying on him in the mix. The other two were on the love seat with me and we were crammed under a little black and red plaid blanket.

  The way the dining room table seems to have more of the kids "projects" on it than places to eat, the way the island is the catch all for the business paperwork, or the way the laundry seems not quite find it's way to the drawers didn't matter. At that moment, we were all together. We were haphazardly piled on one another and loving it. It didn't matter my mop was going to start looking for other employment if I didn't use it this weekend or that I haven't even looked in the laundry room in 3 days. It didn't matter I was going through some, "what's my purpose moments". What mattered is we were all in a wad, scootched up to each other as close as possible laughing at everyone's reaction to the show. Everyone was visibly wore out from the week but at that moment, everything melted for me. The tightness in my chest, the anxiety of something I can't quite put my finger on was gone. I love my family. We are a hot CrAzY mess, almost all the time. Sometimes, I feel like I will lose my mind if we don't get a break on chaos. We are just a beautiful mess.

  I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know if my house will ever look clean again. I don't know if I will ever get my book finished or score good on my class that starts next week. However, I know that we have a great life. We have a great family. I have all I could ever want under this roof. This beautiful mess is mine and it will be what I make of it. I feel such a sense of satisfaction in that.

  We take for granted so many things. Many things we don't realize how amazing we had it until it is gone or we are grown and have a little more wisdom. I will not miss the mess but I would rather have the people around that are the creators of the messes than have a clean, quiet and empty house. For now, I am embracing my beautiful mess of a life and praying that our kids will always feel comfortable here to pile on us and just be.

THE DAVID INSIDE YOU

  For the past two years, Jayden has gone through some tough times at school. He has had a very hard time adjusting in school. He is not one of the "cool kids" but he isn't a part of the super academic kids either. I would say he sits somewhere in the middle. He is a very innocent kid. He doesn't have a lot of the knowledge the kids his age does about the world, or at least the way other kids his age interprets the world.

  I have such a hard time seeing him struggle. It makes my heart ache to see him come to the car so downcast and fighting to hold back the tears as he relays his day to me. There is only so much I can say when I wasn't there and don't truly know the situation. Today was one of those days. The struggle was REAL. As my son is sitting beside me fighting to maintain his composure, I am thinking of ways to solve this problem for him. In my mind, I'm looking for a "bubble" just his size to put him in.

  This year, I decided to start a "My gift to Jesus tree". We have the cutest Charlie Brown tree, decorated with a taupe colored bow, burgundy berries and a strand of lights. On that tree will hang the ornaments with our gifts we are giving to Jesus written on them. One of my "gifts" is to take time every day to help my children learn how to read, study, memorize the Word and to make the principles of the Bible come alive to them.

  As I fumed and fretted about how to resolve the burden my son seems to be carrying, the object lesson I had with the girls this weekend, popped in my mind. I drove home with a plan. I had Jayden put some water in a white soup bowl and sprinkle enough pepper to just about cover the surface of the water. I started with my questions to make them think and to lead them to where I was wanting to go. We went over what God did for us when he died on the cross for our sins. We discussed what the Bible is, it's accuracy and it's purpose. God's word is like a love letter to us but not only that but it helps us in our every day walk. It teaches us how to handle situations, how to follow in the path of Christ and how to reach other people. I told them of my "gift" to Jesus and my plan to further their knowledge of Christ spiritually and practically, starting tonight.

   The water in the soup bowl represents the world and the pepper represents the sin in the world. When we enter the world without Christ, (I stuck my dry, clean finger in the water), what happens? The pepper/sin sticks to us. (The pepper coated my finger) I wiped my finger off and got out the Dawn that represents God. I coated my finger with the Dawn and explained how when we become a believer, it isn't all we need in order to not get caught up in the sin of this world. We need to put on the "armor of God". (Ephesians 6:11-18) Once my finger was coated with the Dawn (God), I stuck my finger in the middle of the bowl of  and the pepper (sin) immediately moved to the side. It is such an amazing depiction because the pepper moves away from it in a circle almost like the burst of "God's power" made it move. It's not enough to just pray and ask for forgiveness, we have to seek God through His Word everyday to help us prepare for whatever comes.

  Then, I remembered this statement that forever changed my life: "If there's a Goliath in front of you, that means there's a David inside of you." ~Carlos A Rodriguez

   I got really excited then. I found the saying and showed Jayden. No matter what your giants are: mean kids, school work you just don't quite get, adjusting to school. Just know, God may have allowed that giant to come into your life but only because there is a David inside you waiting for the chance to pick up those stones, swing that slingshot around your head and with a prayer of faith, fell that giant. YOU can can make that giant fall!

  Wherever Jesus went, He caused division. He healed the sick and raised the dead but He also caused a ruckus. You may feel like when you walk in a room, everyone bolts to the other side of it but just remember that you are supposed to be separate. II Corinthians 2:17 "Therefore come out from among them, and be ye separate...". You aren't supposed to "fit in". You should be kind to everyone and not try to shove Christianity down people's throats but being different isn't a bad thing. Be a David. Pick up those stones and march towards that giant with your head held high and know that you have the best weapon of anyone, God lives within you. II Corinthians 6:16 "...God has said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people."

   God is giving you this chance to show your faith and allow the David in you to be seen by those around you. It is up to you to take the first steps toward the river.

I CHOOSE YOU

"I choose you." I don’t know why that phrase is so important to me. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be chosen above all others. I wanted to be that special person that stood out among the crowd. As I got older and started being interested in boys, I wanted that moment where you saw “the guy” and he saw you. Although the room was full of people, you knew that you were the only one that he could see. Even the Barbie blonde that sashayed when she walked, legs were as long as my entire body and her laugh sounded like a beautiful chime in the wind that stood near me, he didn’t see. He still only saw me. The little ‘ol country girl, every inch of me, with the mousy brown hair, a shapely figure and my laughter made you feel the need to look for an egg.

I remember several times in my life that I wanted that “I chose you” feeling so bad I could taste it. Once, I was sitting in my dad’s study with the Chairman of the Board, a Deacon and my dad, AKA the Pastor. He was telling me that because I went to my “friends” and told them to quit gossiping about me, I made this “matter” a public one and he would have to publicly punish me. What in the world could this offense have been that I was punished for 90 days from having any leading role at my church; no singing, teaching, helping or attending any functions? I kissed a boy. No, I am not kidding.

One of my best friends, a boy 3 years younger than me that had fallen for me, saw me kissing my boyfriend, (that actually became my husband) and starting talking about it with the other teenagers. It escalated into stuff that wasn’t true. I walked in the middle of them and called them out. As soon as I did that, I pulled my dad and mom off the platform and sat them down in the Pastor’s study and broke the news. I will never forget my dad’s face. Ever. I’ve never visibly seen disappointment before. I did that day. My first kiss wouldn’t be at the altar. It was in an elevator, the day after I turned 19.

His face went from disappointed to embarrassed. He didn’t say it, but I could tell he was mortified. Then, he was angry. I could see his thoughts, “everyone knew, this is a reflection of me”. I didn’t get caught having sex or was pregnant, I kissed a boy. He sat up straight and further back in his chair. I could feel the separation. I could see it as if he wrote it out and signed his name that his little girl, his “nearly perfect” kid, was tarnished. I was tainted. His sermon illustration of his parenting ability was gone. Now, it would be a tale of woe. It was if I traded that kiss for my dad’s approval. He will tell you, to this day, that I was the perfect kid until I started liking boys.

When I was sitting in the study and hearing my punishment, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I could hear the voices, see the disapproval and even see myself sitting there listening to every word with a blank look on my face. I looked up from staring at my hands because a new voice got my attention. The deacon was speaking. It wasn’t just a different voice that snapped me out of my revelry; it was the quiver in it. I caught his gaze and saw that he had tears in his eyes and was struggling to keep it together. He told me that his girls had gotten excited about church and serving the Lord since they had gotten to know me. That he wanted to thank me for being me and was sorry that I had to go through this. He couldn’t believe that I sat there and just took it without saying a word. He felt that it showed maturity and integrity. He got done and I had to remind myself to close my mouth. Why would this man that has known me for a year say those things and my own dad sounded as if he disowned me? What I didn’t know until I was an adult was this man and his wife was pregnant with their first child when they got married. Can you imagine how he felt when the law was brought down upon my head for a kiss? He and his family, which was half of the church, left shortly after. My dad eventually resigned the church.

What most people never knew was when he resigned, we moved into a home that was set up almost like a college dorm for missionaries to stay temporarily. I had a room down a couple hallways and my parents shared a room with a kitchenette. My dad wouldn’t even stay in the same room with me. If I tried to talk, he would ignore me or walk out of the room. I cried myself to sleep for a while. I just kissed a boy. After the tears stopped, the disbelief and desperation came. I was married within 4 months.

I was so confused and lost. I had done it all right. I abode by every rule and guideline I was ever given. I had never even put a pair of pants on my body at that point. I wore dresses. I could ride a bike or get up into the bed of a truck, all while wearing a dress. I was teaching Jr Church by age 11. We went from 10 in attendance to 50 in less than a year and that was in a little mountain church. I helped in the bus, nursing home and music ministry for as long as I can remember. I read my Bible. I had a passion for Christ. My nickname was “Pastor Lamb” in high school. There was even an ongoing bet with some of the guys in school who could get to me first. No one won. I never rebelled. I was never grounded. I never even questioned anything. I followed everything my dad said because he said it. Why couldn’t he have chosen me? Why did he have to write me off?

“I choose you”. 

I have lead many people to Christ in my lifetime but since this instance, there is a part in the “Roman’s Road” that gets me every time. Romans 5:8 “But God commendeth (to praise someone in a public way, to mention approval) his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” When I am talking to someone about Jesus and leading them through the verses, I describe this verse a little something like this:

“Jesus didn’t turn away from us although we are sinners. He doesn’t turn His face, raise His nail scarred hands blocking us from His vision. He loves us even more because we are sinners. He loves us because He died for us. He was hanging on that cross and He looked through time and saw my face, knew my name and knew that I would sin against Him and still died for me. If I was the only person in this world, I believe with my whole heart, that He would die for me.”

HE CHOSE ME. Jesus, God incarnate, chose me. He loves every inch of my 5’2 ¾” frame. He loves that I have a 30 year smoker laugh when I get really tickled. He loves that my love language is sarcasm. He loves me no matter that I have made mistakes. He loves me even though I let Him down. He loves me when I come off biting because my heart is breaking and I don’t realize its showing. He loves me when I feel like I’m a failure or He made a mistake in me. He loves me even though I kissed a boy. He loves me even though I am divorced. He loves me even though I am not perfect. He chose me!!!

That is a feeling that I will never, ever get over. Sometimes, I let the Devil convince me that Jesus regrets His choice but if I wait and listen, I can hear Him calling my name in love. 

No matter who didn’t choose us when we needed them to most, we ARE chosen. 1 Peter 2:9 “But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light:” Don't give up hope. Don't lose faith. We could all take a trip down memory lane and see times like these when we just wanted someone to choose us even when we weren't making it easy. Even if you feel completely alone. YOU ARE CHOSEN. He looked through time and saw YOUR face and died with you in mind. He chose you. He chose to bear the cross so you could have a relationship with Him and live with Him forever in Heaven. It is up to you whether you choose to accept that beautiful gift of love that He displayed for all the world to see. It's there, say to God, "I choose you."

IT'S NEVER ENOUGH

  I have come to the conclusion that I can never be enough. It doesn't matter how large of a filter I have, I'll still say something to offend someone. It doesn't matter how much I care, I'll still not do quite enough. It doesn't matter how "perfect" I try to be, I never quite measure up. Sometimes I feel like I should totally win an award for not saying what I truly want to say and at times needs to be said. "Congratulations for not being as truthful as you want to be."

  A few months ago I was sitting in an office hearing about how something I said in love that was 100% true was not my place. I was told I didnt have the relationship with the ones I spoke to in order to say those things. Don't be confused here, I told some girls I love that their attitudes stunk. I sandwiched that in with praise and admiration for their hard work but it wasn't paying off because of their attitudes. I sat there and heard these explanations as to why telling these girls the truth, a truth everyone was afraid to say for fear of fall out made me sound like an unfeeling bully. How shameful it is to be an adult in a position to make someone younger, stronger, more resilient and make them a better person, and not do it out of fear. I took note of everything I heard in order to recall it later after the shock wore off. I went for weeks feeling like I was completely inadequate. That I was publicly failing. I spoke with a couple of those girls and their parents that were in the midst of the conversation I had with this group and asked them their take. People I knew would tell me the truth no matter if it hurt or not.  They told me in no uncertain terms that I was right and how they respected me more for calling them out. Amazing.

  One of the most baffling things I have heard in quite some time was a mother that asked the pediatrician to bump up their kids meds because the child still isn't listening to her. This same mother came to me several month prior and asked me how I get her child to listen to me when she can't. Disclaimer: I'm not a super parent. My kids mess up. I mess up. I fail them more than I would like to admit to myself. I also know every kid is different. I don't always punish my son the way I do my daughter. They respond to it differently. However, I do know that you should set up a "response plan" when dealing with and disciplining your children. It should be the same response for that particular problem or offense. They like structure and knowing what to expect. If you scream at them when they do something wrong, you set the precedent of how you have to react in order to get their attention. If they don't hear you in your normal voice, they will not listen when you have lost it. In truth, they lose respect for you. Love is yes and love is no. You cannot turn your child into a zombie and expect them to be anything but that. You can't look to meds or the school to raise them. I believe we all feel like failures as parents at some point and sometimes we feel that way daily. Sometimes, when our faith is lacking, we try to "fix" the problem on our own.

Although those two stories don't seem related, they are. We all feel inadequate. We all feel like we will never be enough. I think one of the reasons we cannot take truth from anyone is because we already feel like royal failures. We already feel like we cannot take one more thing, one more person telling us we don't measure up. It's overwhelming. I have some theories about that. I know you're shocked!

  One is that we seek people's approval and not the One that truly matters. We have instant gratification on social media. We look for likes and comments to justify or validate our lives. We aren't used to a "thumbs down". We live in a world that is high pressure and fast paced. We are expected to be everywhere and do everything all at the same time. Do you know that we were created to have a relationship with God? That was Adam's sole purpose in the garden was because God wanted "company". Our lives are so full of everything. We've even eliminated church except for one service a week all in the name of "spending time with our families".

  If our sole purpose at the beginning of our time was to have fellowship God and then it became for us to minister to others, do you see how off we have gotten? I find myself obsessing over I think this person is mad at me at church because I didn't say this just right, that I forget the whole reason I'm attending church. I start losing my drive to want to go. I start feeling like churmches are just full of uncaring, hypocritical people. Don't act like you've never thought it.

  The truth is, we will never be enough. We will never be capable of doing enough. Isn't that encouraging? The amazing part is, WE don't have to be because HE IS. Who is this amazing "man" I'm speaking of? It is Jesus. The One who died for us. The One that loves us solely because we are His creation. He created mankind knowing that we would sorely disappoint, knowing as a result He would suffer and die a gruesome death.

  Before you start thinking how outlandish that is, think of this: (this is not an all inclusive comparison)
 You found out that you're pregnant. You've been hoping and praying and dreaming of nothing else. When you go to the doctor to get your "gender reveal" ultrasound, the doctor finds something very wrong. He calls you into his office and tells you that your baby that is growing inside you, will be the one that causes your death. You are told that if you have this child, you will not live to see this baby grow up. What do you do?

  In Jesus' case, He knew that by letting his "baby" live, He would live again. As mothers, we do absolutely whatever it takes to make sure our children are healthy and happy. We give of ourselves until there's nothing left and if need be, die for our children. He gave it all so we could live. Look how we live. We are a mess. A very good portion of people are on medication because they can't take their life. We are living in a way that we weren't designed for. Our emotions are so raw we can't handle truth.

  There are some days I'm so overwhelmed I feel like hiding just won't cut it. However, I know I'm doing that to myself. I'm putting that pressure on myself. Romans 8:37 says we are more than conquerors. God wants us to live and live abundantly (more than adequate) John 10:10. Just keep in mind that you DONT HAVE TO BE ENOUGH because HE is. There is hope for us because he provided it. Let us not get so caught up in this world that we forget about the One we are here for.

THIS IS SERIOUS

  This morning I was reminded about a time when my son had been struggling a little with my new work schedule. He had been missing me and having stomach aches. I believe the stomach issues were because of the stress he was under. I came home from work one night and was told he had been crying for me for 15 minutes. My big ol 9 year old boy was missing his mommy. It broke my heart but made me smile. It felt good to know that I was missed. Some mornings he woke up and would be suddenly deathly ill and could not go to school. One morning he came to the kitchen and walked up to me while I was helping get their lunches together. "Mom, I am sick. I cannot quit coughing and I feel really bad." I turned around and smiled at him and in a patronizing doting voice I hugged him and said,"Bless your heart!! Mommy's baby is sick." He stood there with his head on my chest and said, "Mom. You know this is serious, right?" "Of course it is! You can be my baby and no one has to know. (adding the voice again for good measure) You just be my baby and mommy will make it all better!" He relaxed in my arms again but shook his head at the same time. He went to school.

   Sometimes that's all it takes is a little love, attention and someone to share your burdens. How many times have I went to a friend or family before I ever went to God? I like to handle what I can without help in every area of life. I'm independent to a fault at times. I'm also a verbal person. Shocker, right? All I need to do sometimes is talk. I have fussed at many people that needed it in the privacy of my own home while I was cleaning. There's a good chance it started out as a prayer for the person and went a bit off track. After I got all of my feelings out in the "open", I could then think through the injustice and be able to respond to that person in the right spirit. Let's be real. Sometimes you need a voice that talks back that you can hear or an arm that you can feel the warmth and love as it is wrapped around you. For me, it is harder for me to pray through a situation when I am about to explode with my thoughts, opinions, hurt and sometimes rage. It is harder for me to open my Bible and seek wisdom when I have smoke coming out of my ears.

  What amazes me is that God will sometimes send someone that is the physical representation for what I need to hear. Women like for other women to agree with them or say something like, "No they didn't!, We will see about that!" We like that someone else is willing to walk beside us singing "Somebody's in trouble" while dragging a bat behind them. What I have found is the conviction I feel when I have sought out someone else's council before God's. When in fact, He sees it all. He sees it like a movie from beginning to end and knows every scene, even the ones that will get cut before completion. He wants justice for us even more than we do ourselves. After a while, I feel like I should start every prayer with, "Lord, it's me again..." I swear He chuckles every time I pray. I can almost feel Him patting my head!

   What I believe is, just as Jayden wanted to spend more time with me and his physical and emotional needs were real, God wants that time with us. Sometimes the situations we are in is to open up an opportunity that He will be able to wrap us in His arms and tell us lovingly that we are His child. Even the person that is blinded by their insecurities and do not care how badly their words and actions have hurt you, He sees. Even when you feel the circumstances you are in are totally unjust, He knows. Even the pain that the situation is causing you, He feels. He is allowing it for a specific reason. When we don't acknowledge Him through it is when the injustice doesn't get thwarted.

  I have recently encountered someone that I respected after speaking with them for just a few minutes. She made me laugh til I cried and she had Jesus all over her. She parented her children like I do. We had similar ideas but I felt like she would sharpen me. I felt like she would make me better by knowing her. God may have wrapped His arms around me but it was hers that I felt. I want to be that for someone else. "I'm going to make everything around me beautiful-that will be my life." Elsie de Wolfe There is something about that line that spoke to me. I want to make the world around me beautiful because I was in it. My name may not be written in history books or even in the local newspaper but I can change the world that I live in even if no one sees. It can be the "unseen" things that make the biggest impact.

  I do have some friends that will check that they have a full round while getting their keys if I need them. I also have friends and family that will wrap me in their arms as I fall apart. People that didn't even know I felt like my life was over and they sent some love and encouragement to me just in time. Every one of those friends were sent to me. Every one of those friends have been a way that God told me that He heard me. My prayer today is that I will seek him before I check the chamber. No, really. I pray that we all may find solace in God. It sounds trite, like a cop-out to say read the Word and pray but most of the time we make things a lot more complex than it has to be. No matter how serious it is, God can take it and let your heart, mind and body rest.
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

I CANNOT SPEAK

  When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that she knew something was wrong when I got quiet. I know it is hard to imagine that I was such a motor mouth. That still describes me today. I have not written in this blog for over two months. I have been in the fight of my life. I have been hit from every angle, home, church, play, kids, family, ex's, coaching, and in my marriage. The Devil has been allowed to rain his terror on my life.

  Here are some things I have discovered. He would not be fighting if he had victory over my life. He would not be fighting if there wasn't Someone to fight against. He would not be fighting if God hadn't allowed it. For a short time, I allowed the Devil to tell me that I had no purpose except to ruin everyone's life that I touched. For a short time, I allowed him to convince me that I had no place in this world. Did you catch that? I ALLOWED. I allowed him to reign in my mind. Past tense.

  I couldn't speak for all the pain and anger that was at the surface. I couldn't speak because all I wanted to do was declare the injustice. I couldn't speak to someone that needed encouragement because I was as low as I have ever been. I couldn't speak through the grip of depression. I couldn't speak through the hurt. A friend pointed out that my tone sounded harsh and I wasn't even mad. It hurt me but it made me stop and think. Was that true? Was all the things in my life coming out in my tone even when I thought I had covered my hurt so well?

  The black cloud was swirling all around me again and the pit that was looming at my feet, I had finally succumbed to. I was but broken glass at the bottom of the pit, unable to see the Light. I swore I would never be there again but here I am, feeling like God wasted precious time on me.

  When I was a teenager, I went to camp and these girls tried to play a prank on my by attempting to syran me to my bunk bed. After they were done, someone screamed like something was wrong, I wasn't even aware of what had happened. All I could think about was someone was in need. I got out of the syran wrap and jumped to the floor. There were 20 girls with their mouths wide open that couldn't believe I had gotten free. That is exactly how I felt when I broke free of that black cloud. I had a burst of anger for the tricks that had been played on my mind and irritation that I allowed it and in one swift jump, I had wiggled free of the blackness that was blinding me.

  I am still building the ladder that is helping me climb out of the pit. Each rung looks like it is built from words. If you look at it closely, you will see Jeremiah 31:3 on the first one, "...I have loved you with everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." The next one reads, Malachi 3:6, "For I am the Lord, I change not;" As I felt the truth from each verse resonate through my body, I closed my eyes and allowed His strength fill me. As I opened my eyes in faith, another rung on the ladder had formed. Psalms 27:14, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall stregthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." I'm not "there" yet but I keep climbing. I am not allowing the Devil to reign supreme in my mind. He is not welcome here. He may have felt like he had a cushy seat to my mental demise, but that chair was broken up by the sword of Truth.

  Sometimes I still cannot speak for the heaviness in my heart. Forgive me. I have learned that each "trial", hardship, valley, tough time, is a building block for the next one. Doesn't that sound exciting? I don't think so either. However, I believe that we are ordained to go through these times so we will build a closer relationship with God. Each time may be tougher than before, but if we use it to further God's love and message, it will serve the purpose that was intended.

  If you are in the pit, have faith. Claim his promises and the rungs of the ladder will appear for you too. Don't give up. Allow this to push you towards God, not away. I am not searching for validation or pity. I was reminded today that I am WANTED and LOVED. Let this be a reminder to you that you too are LOVED, WANTED and God has a PLAN that only YOU can fulfill.

ALREADY THERE

 For the past few weeks, I had been writing out my story to speak at a women's retreat. I have relived moments I haven't thought of in a very long time. As I sat at my desk and wrote each word, I could feel the presence of the Lord in that room as if He was sitting beside me. I cried, laughed and sang His praises. Some of it was hard to remember. I have worked very hard at forgetting some things that have left major scars. Some things I still experience "phantom pains" from and I thought those pains would resurface. Instead, God showed me what we have come through together. He's shown me how He is building on what I've gone through to prepare me for the future.

  I didn't realize as I was going through all of that growth, it was preparing me for even more. At times, I can see the past. I can sit in a room and the walls fade away, with me in the center. I sit there and the moments and people from the past step into my view. I hear the noises, smell the fragrance, feel the coolness of the night, and see their eyes as if they were still looking at me. Every breath I took, I take again. I see the events unfold and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. The ghosts of my past do not hear me. The me that I see cannot heed the warning or advice that is on the tip of my tongue as I watch.

  I am in that place where in a few years, my walls will again fade and I will want to tell my past self something that only my future self knows. What would that advice be? What am I doing in this present moment that I would wish differently in times to come? How can one know that? That about drives me crazy thinking about it. Then. Then, I think. I think about the One that was with me then and is with me now. How do I know what I should do? How will I prevent a mistake that I cannot undo? I ask the One who is with me now and Who will be with me then. How silly that may sound but it is true. It isn't the answer we want, is it? We want to fix everything and then allow God to step in when we get stuck or make a bigger mess just to call on Him to fix it plus clean up the mess we created. It drives me crazy to feel helpless. It physically makes me feel "heavy", like I am running in water, to see a problem and not be able to make it go away. My younger self would just barge ahead and let come what may. I knew I was right. So there!

  Now, I can see events unfolding. I can see potential mistakes. I can see the damage that will change my world and the world of those around me that people are creating. I sit and watch like I am watching a movie and the actors cannot see or hear me.  I sit there helpless to change anything in my own power. However, I know Someone. The wind and seas obey His every whim. The planets spin on their axis because He caused it to be so. The mountain I climb, He has gone before me. The valley, I fear, He is with me even there. He breathed the very life into my body. I will not be afraid. I will not feel helpless because He has gone before me.

  As I sit and the walls fall apart and the events of the past unfold before my eyes, I look with new eyes. I see the hand of God even when I couldn't feel it at the time. I stepped out in faith and although I didn't see the "net" it was always there. Even now, as things transpire in my life that I cannot control, I will trust that He is in control. He wants better for me than even I want for myself. I will take heart because He is already there.