Remember when you were a kid and you found a "rolley polley"? When you pick them up, they would roll into a ball. As long as you were holding them, they couldn't be coaxed out of that ball.
Tonight, I realized that I have been that rolley polley for a long time. I have heard that I need to look like this girl or that. I need to lose weight or change my style. I have seen the one I was married to walk a distance away to give the allusion we weren't together although at the time, we were. I have been made to feel like there was something wrong with me because of the way that God made me. The gifts, strengths and weaknesses that were created in me were not right so I have had to fight myself and natural tendencies to make another happy. I would feel completely alone in a crowded room. I didn't sing, smile easily or even laugh much at all. I gained weight and was miserable. My body was dying from the inside out because my spirit was broken. I learned to protect myself from these hurts. I learned to use laughter as a defense mechanism. I learned how to skim off the top about my story so no one knew "too much" to later use it against me when it suited them. No matter who was around me, I would not relinquish myself from that little protective ball I was in and then.....
A few months ago, I moved to the city of Durham. Honestly, I do not like the city as a whole. I started attending an amazing church that has become a big part of my healing. I feel needed, loved and wanted. I believe it was because of that my heart was prepared for the next steps in my life. This journey to the eastern side of state hasn't been easy. As a matter of fact, it has gotten much harder in some ways. I now can see that the crossroads I was at, was a pivotal moment in my life. It was here that I started allowing myself to open again and allow myself to find healing in a new way.
I have met a lot of nice guys in my dating experience and some that have been quite interesting. I became very frustrated and started praying that God would take away my desire to want to be a wife again. The need to share my life with someone and to be loved the way God intended. It was too hard to have those desires and not have them fulfilled. It was more frustrating and exhausting that anything and then......
At first, when I would get compliments and doting, I would laugh and wonder if I was in the middle of a joke that I wasn't aware of. The constant thinking the best of me at all times was enough to make me stop and look at the eyes, body language and really listen to the voice fluctuation of the one saying those things, just to ensure the sincerity of the giver. Slowly, I began to relax and "unroll" from my little ball. That ball kept me protected. Now, I have no protection. Now, I am a part of something that I always felt was possible but never believed it for myself. The way that I am, my personality, gifts, looks, shape, size, laugh, style, etc is not only "good enough" but just right. Who I am is wanted and not just for what I can give. Just think of all I would have missed out on if I would have stayed in that tight little ball.
I have found that I cannot protect my heart because you cannot protect what you aren't in possession of. I gave God my heart as I prayed for those desires to be taken away and asked Him to give it to whomever He deems worthy, even if it was only to Him. In this relationship, I do not fear for myself anymore. Now, I know what real is. You don't realize you haven't had something real until you experienced something genuine for yourself. Where our journey will lead, only God knows. I do know that the little ball I have unknowingly created for myself is no longer something I can do anymore.
I am on an emotional roller coaster but I am not rolled up, eyes closed feeling every jerk, hill, or corkscrew and dreading every possibility. I have my hands straight up in the air, eyes wide open, a goofy grin on my face and a laugh in my voice. Now this is a ride that I have been waiting in line for for a long time and I am going to enjoy every moment of the ups and downs, highs and lows and not knowing what is around the corner.
No comments:
Post a Comment