HER LAST REQUEST

This past week, we laid to rest one of my heros. She was a mother of 10 children, grandmother to 27 and great grandmother to 17 children. No matter what happened in life, she overcame it all. She fought for  her family, her beliefs and her marriage. Before her last son was born, she adopted her 4 nieces. Since the day those girls were brought to her house, they were hers. She took them in and loved them as her own. She had a way to make you feel like you were her favorite. She never belittled or spoke ill of you but she was a straight shooter. Her heart was bad but her love was never not felt. She had went through personal and family struggles that she didn't speak much about to those around her. Her greatest concern was for her children and grandchildren. She loved the Lord and wanted all of those she loved to love Him too. She served him unfailingly.
  When I was young, we lived on the family land. I saw grandma almost every day. She always had a great supply of pickles, popcorn, and ketchup. A sleepover at grandma's was a treat. The Disney chanel, Matlock, The Waltons, Little House on the Prairie or a western was always on. Every Sunday night we would go to her house for Avonlea. We would book it home from church and pile in front of the fireplace while grandpa snoozed in the chair after a healthy dose of popcorn. If we were lucky, dad would let us crash on the couch and we would sneak popsycles out of the freezer sometimes reaching over the most recent kill to get to the box. If Amy snuck one first, she would shreak!
   I could talk to grandma about anything. She never belittled my quirks or made me feel silly for the way I felt about things. I remember complaining to her about everyone always telling me how beautiful my sister was, how she always looked just so, how her hair was never out of place... I asked her, "Why does no one say that about me? Am I not pretty?" She patted my hand and said,"One day you will blossom." I asked her the other day, "Did I blossom grandma?" She did her little "ch" laugh and said,"You blossomed beautifully."
  No matter where our paths have led, there's always a path that leads back to grandma's house. She was loving and kind. She was fiesty. She was the calm in the storm. She kept the family together. She had the tenacity of a strong warrior but the gentleness to love everyone around her without question or expectation of a return of her investment. I sat by her bedside in her last hours. I thought of all the years that sped by and I was unable to come as often as I wanted. My plan to move back home didn't go exactly as I planned. That regret is strong in my mind. Every time I came to visit grandma, I felt like I stepped back in time. Nothing had changed. Grandpa and grandma were still in their chair, the sliding glass door still made a whooshing sound when it was opened, there was always a ready welcome, the smells were the same, the look was the same and the outside... well, still resembled Sanford and sons complete with guineas on the roof. I sat there trying to visualize what life would be without walking in the door and not seeing grandma in her chair, not hearing her voice on the phone or hearing her laugh. I couldn't. What I could imagine is her face when she sees her three sons that died before her or her babies she miscarried. I could see her eyes as she looked at Jesus. I could see the age in her hands disappear as she crossed into the gates. I could hear the commotion as my uncles barrelled their way through the crowd. I could almost see her look back at me and say,"It's ok Sweetie." I sat there as she struggled to breathe and decided that I wanted to send her off to Heaven by singing to her. After swallowing the lump in my throat, several times and working up my courage, I sang "Beaulah Land". I imagined that she was laying there with her eyes clothes smiling and then God pulled back the veil from her eyes and there were angels all around her bed, singing along with me. I imagined my voice fading ino the background as the angels voices got stronger. I imagined her tilting her head to the choir and seeing the host that awaited her arrival. As I held her hand, I felt as though I was holding on to her as she was inbetween this world and the next one. As she took her last breath, peace flooded my soul. It was so reassuring that she was ready, at peace and I was able to tell her "goodbye".
  Grandma is now in Heaven and I miss her. It will not be the same walking into the house and seeing her chair empty. Grandpa has slept with her in his arms for 62 years and now he sleeps alone. Her last request was that we all meet her in heaven. There is comfort in knowing you will see your loved ones again. I cannot imagine not having that peace. I'm so thankful at a young age, I asked the Lord to forgive me of my sins and save me. One day, I will see her again. I pray her last request is one that is fulfilled. It was an honor to watching the homegoing of one of my heros, sing at her bedside and at her funeral. It was a comfort to be surrounded by family and see how much she was loved. These past 6 months has been a pivitol time in my life. I feel like I have seen two faithful Christians come to the end of their journey as a visual aide of how my life should be and how I desire my earthly journey to end. The Legacy that my grandma has started will be continued on through me. I pray I can earn the praise from my children and grandchildren as she did. I pray that I will be found faithful as I am sure she did. Her last request was spoken at the end of her journey but an amazing beginning for others.

11 YEARS AGO TODAY.....

As I drove away from dropping the kids off, I thought About 11 years ago today. I didn't know that when i walked down the aisle to pledge myself to the man I thought only death would part us, that it would only last less than 10 years. I had no idea that one day I would be looking at my future and it would seem like a dark chasm. I would feel lost and instead of my world spinning out of control, I would feel as if I lost gravity and I was floating in a dark void with no direction. I had no idea that I would have a little boy and girl looking to me for guidance when I wasn't even sure what to do myself. I remember thinking that my life didn't even feel real on my wedding day and at that moment, that feeling returned. On the day I was to be married, I had no point of reference to what my life would be like and again that feeling returned when I realized we would no longer be together. On my wedding day, there was the usual drama, stress and pandemonium. The day our marriage ended, there was no one. I was alone. I sat on the grass outside and tried to find direction, to hear His voice. It felt like an injustice was done to me and to the kids. The past 9 plus years had been a waste. Then, through the rustle of the leaves, the coolness of the breeze and the noises all around me, it was if a bigger picture was revealed to me. The confusion was still there, the pain was still present, he was still gone but I knew I wasn't really alone. The decision that was made wasn't the "Lords will" for my life but I knew it would all serve a purpose. 

Today, as I drove away, the song "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe came on. I do not believe it was a coincidence. I could feel His purpose for my life even stronger today than ever. I know where I'm going. I know who I will be traveling with. I know that what I have gone through has a purpose. At the time, none of it made sense. At the time, it hurt with no mercy. At the time, the impossibility of my situation loomed. Now, now, I can see that there was a path before me. At first, it was too dark to see. Each step, I took in faith. Each step, I was terrified I would fall. Every time I placed my foot, I had to get my balance again. I felt as if I was learning to walk all over again. I would walk into church and feel like I would hyperventilate. I would will my eyes to close at night so sleep would come to give me some peace from my worries and fears. But now, I go to church and I feel at home. I close my eyes and rest in peace. I know that God went through that dark chasm before I took my first step. He had a plan to make the mess I called my life into something remarkable. 11 years ago today, as I took the first steps down that aisle, I was taking steps towards who I am today. God has proved himself time and time again though He didn't need to, He did it for me. That void became an amazing new life. There has been incredible struggles but His plan for me is slowly being revealed. There are still times when the life I had before comes back in a rush. There are times when I look at my kids and grieve for what they will never know. There is also the knowledge that new people will come into to their lives that will enrich their lives far more than I would had ever thought. No matter what, God is with me. There will never be a time that He doesn't love me and be there to guide me in my journey. I am not where I thought I would be back then but I know where I am heading now. I find comfort in that and excitement that it is up to "us" where we go from here. 11 years ago today marked the timeline of my life but my life didn't end when my marriage did. It started me on a path that has been slowly revealed to me. Each day a little more light has been cast in my path and the scary shadows that danced in the darkness are now taking shape to reveal beauty all around me. The journey I thought I would travel alone I have found that I have people all around me shining their light along the way. I am walking towards a new light, a new life and no matter what happens, I know I am not alone.