11 YEARS AGO TODAY.....

As I drove away from dropping the kids off, I thought About 11 years ago today. I didn't know that when i walked down the aisle to pledge myself to the man I thought only death would part us, that it would only last less than 10 years. I had no idea that one day I would be looking at my future and it would seem like a dark chasm. I would feel lost and instead of my world spinning out of control, I would feel as if I lost gravity and I was floating in a dark void with no direction. I had no idea that I would have a little boy and girl looking to me for guidance when I wasn't even sure what to do myself. I remember thinking that my life didn't even feel real on my wedding day and at that moment, that feeling returned. On the day I was to be married, I had no point of reference to what my life would be like and again that feeling returned when I realized we would no longer be together. On my wedding day, there was the usual drama, stress and pandemonium. The day our marriage ended, there was no one. I was alone. I sat on the grass outside and tried to find direction, to hear His voice. It felt like an injustice was done to me and to the kids. The past 9 plus years had been a waste. Then, through the rustle of the leaves, the coolness of the breeze and the noises all around me, it was if a bigger picture was revealed to me. The confusion was still there, the pain was still present, he was still gone but I knew I wasn't really alone. The decision that was made wasn't the "Lords will" for my life but I knew it would all serve a purpose. 

Today, as I drove away, the song "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe came on. I do not believe it was a coincidence. I could feel His purpose for my life even stronger today than ever. I know where I'm going. I know who I will be traveling with. I know that what I have gone through has a purpose. At the time, none of it made sense. At the time, it hurt with no mercy. At the time, the impossibility of my situation loomed. Now, now, I can see that there was a path before me. At first, it was too dark to see. Each step, I took in faith. Each step, I was terrified I would fall. Every time I placed my foot, I had to get my balance again. I felt as if I was learning to walk all over again. I would walk into church and feel like I would hyperventilate. I would will my eyes to close at night so sleep would come to give me some peace from my worries and fears. But now, I go to church and I feel at home. I close my eyes and rest in peace. I know that God went through that dark chasm before I took my first step. He had a plan to make the mess I called my life into something remarkable. 11 years ago today, as I took the first steps down that aisle, I was taking steps towards who I am today. God has proved himself time and time again though He didn't need to, He did it for me. That void became an amazing new life. There has been incredible struggles but His plan for me is slowly being revealed. There are still times when the life I had before comes back in a rush. There are times when I look at my kids and grieve for what they will never know. There is also the knowledge that new people will come into to their lives that will enrich their lives far more than I would had ever thought. No matter what, God is with me. There will never be a time that He doesn't love me and be there to guide me in my journey. I am not where I thought I would be back then but I know where I am heading now. I find comfort in that and excitement that it is up to "us" where we go from here. 11 years ago today marked the timeline of my life but my life didn't end when my marriage did. It started me on a path that has been slowly revealed to me. Each day a little more light has been cast in my path and the scary shadows that danced in the darkness are now taking shape to reveal beauty all around me. The journey I thought I would travel alone I have found that I have people all around me shining their light along the way. I am walking towards a new light, a new life and no matter what happens, I know I am not alone.