PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE

  One of the hardest things I've ever done is parent my kids through my divorce. It has been harder than walking away from a detrimental relationship, a church I loved and even telling my family what the truth was in my marriage. It was harder than receiving a 5 page hand written letter blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong in my marriage and his family's life. It was harder than having people I thought loved me, turn their back on me or "break fellowship" with me so their name wouldn't be lumped in with mine. It was harder than showing up to church acting as if nothing was wrong. It was harder than helping other people manage their heartbreak when I could hardly breathe through mine. Some people may not understand how parenting through divorce could be so difficult but the ones that have been there or are there, get it completely!

  From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.

  This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.

  You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.

  I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.

 When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.

 The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.

LEAVE ME ALONE

 Most Sunday mornings I try to play music that will help get my spirit right and prepare my heart for church. This past Sunday I had taken a shower and had pressed play on one of my favorite Mandisa songs, "That's what scars are for" and I had a little one knocking on the door telling me she put the dog up so we could get dressed and not worry about accidents. By the time I deciphered what she was saying I missed the song. I pressed replay and started to dry my hair just to hear the puppy whining at my door. I could have swore that the little one just told me the puppy was on her crate! How in the world will we ever crate train this dog if they don't quit popping her in and out of her crate without taking her out?! I chased down the culprit and reprimanded her for letting the dog out again. (The same situation happened the day before, several times. They ask their dad when they know I will say no and he hasn't learned their game yet) I was beyond frustrated at this point. All I want to do it get dressed for church. For church, people! I start drying my hair since I have officially missed the entire sone THREE times at this point. I hear the girls beating the other bathroom door trying to talk to their dad while he's in the shower. Seriously? Is the sky falling? Am I not speaking clearly? LET US GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH! I find out what the problem is and herd them back to their rooms to tidy up and finish getting their clothes and shoes on, which I put together on the floor, even with the the shoes laid out so they will end up on the right feet and the bow pinned on each dress. They can't find their shoes. Really? You can't find your shoes but your found your dress right beside the shoes?

 Again, I go back to the bathroom. My hair has started to dry all crazy with product in it and it wildly bouncing around on top of my head while I'm barking orders and trying not to lose my temper. I dry my hair and hear my husband come out of the bathroom and is telling the girls something opposite of what I just said, oh my word! Breathe! Just breathe!

  I take a deep breath and press play for the fourth time. The first verse goes by as I'm applying my makeup. I start singing with the chorus. I jumped back in time and was at my little house in Durham singing the same song. I was getting ready to go to church and feeling quite defeated. I heard my roommate in the other room and felt wistful that I was hearing my future husband instead. I heard the kids getting ready and talking to each other like they were sharing a secret of great importance. I wondered if my ex would fight me on going through the child support enforcement since he was holding some of the child support as ransom. The burden of the kids innocence was feeling heavier by the day. I was singing the song and remembering the various scars I had on my body and on my heart. I felt so lonely and somewhat alone to carry the burdens that I had. What I wouldn't give for some happy chaos.

  Ashamed of my earlier reaction to such trivial things washed all over me. I was singing this song and hearing my happy chaos and instead of being thankful for where I am at, I was trying not to lose my temper. I wasn't being grateful for my scars mending and my new life and the challenges it has presented. I have felt quite overwhelmed. I haven't even written much in my blog at all. I didn't want to reveal too much of my heart for fear someone would take it wrong.

  For all the step-parenting books out there, I haven't found one that walks me through my day. I haven't found one that helps me cope with the hatred I feel at times for our exes. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for forgiveness for my thoughts and emotions regarding our exes and at times my stepchildren. They are a reflection of their parents. Sometimes, a child can look exactly like their parent. Therefore, we live with his ex (and mine). One looks just like her and one acts just like her. She is everywhere. She texts and calls him more than I do and I fight with my feelings towards her. I fight with my feelings towards my ex as well. We are currently going through our lawyers to have a written custody order. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. We have some very emotional girls that I don't relate to in regards to those emotions. We have to maintain a balance of structure and standards without making them feel as if the other parent is wrong or being downed by our actions. Yet, while the kids are not with us, everything we have built with them and have established feels like it's being undone. Overwhelmed doesn't even cover it. On top of it all, one of my best girlfriends is MIA and I miss her like a would miss a sister. I pray for her often and pray if I did something thoughtless, I could figure out what it was and make it right.  I don't want anyone to think I am airing my dirty laundry or complaining about my adventure I am currently on. It's just the beginning of... a little bit of everything and it takes time to get your mind and heart in gear.
  We are Christians. We don't turn the other cheek for something we believe is worth the fight. In the case of our exes, we have to let some things go. It doesn't seem fair or just, but it is right. I am not a door mat but having my way doesn't mean that I will get the gratification I think will come. Sometimes when you get your way, you lose. I want to show that I am not who I was. I am not who the gossips say I am, as does my husband. We have risen above so much and refuse to let anyone or any circumstance drag us down now. We want to show Whose we are by our lives, reactions and direction. Do you know how hard that is when you are dealing with people that hate you, even if it is unjust? Those same people know your "buttons". They have power and pull with the little people you love most in the world. They know that you will not jeopardize those babies security for anything in the world and use that against you, sometimes every chance they get. Tell me how cool you would be...
  Instead of losing my temper to the emotions I was fighting, the fear of what is inevitably looming with my ex, the whining dog, the children knocking on the door and my husband giving opposite marching orders while I was trying to get my spirit right, I felt in my heart, LEAVE ME ALONE! Don't try to take away my happiness! Don't try to make me feel so overwhelmed that I can't enjoy the every day things. Don't try to make me feel alone again. Don't make me feel... Any kind of way. You aren't welcome here! That spirit left me. That negative, "bitey", overwhelmed and emotional spirit was replaced by peace and some common sense. I saw the situation for what it was and left the chaos I had felt behind as I left my bathroom and finished locating the items that were previously laid out the day before that were now crammed in the toy box and in the wrong drawer. I slid on my prettiest,  sparkly, 4" heels, draped my pearls across my neck and set out for church with a renewed purpose in my heart.