From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.
This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.
You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.
I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.
When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.
The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.
No comments:
Post a Comment