This weekend we celebrated my son's 10th birthday! I cannot believe I have a kid in double digits! I picked up one of his friends that he had at his school in Durham, we had the girls and my mom and her husband as well. We had a total of 6 kids, 4 adults and our near perfect "baby", Bitsy. The house was full. There were people everywhere. My mom and her husband slept at our house instead taking the of a comfort a kid free room and a bed that felt like a cloud that his parents offered and piled in with us. Bless them! My daughter even talked my mom into letting her share her twin bed while her husband slept on the pop up trundle beside them.
The next morning we decided we would make the kids pancakes and let them eat so we could have some adult conversation and could eat in peace. The children ate 2-4 pancakes a piece and were released to go outside while we got our meal finished and table set. My mom and I play music while we cook. She had been wanting me to hear a song that she said reminded her of my grandpa that passed away before she was remarried. She started the song and the first couple notes were played and a child emerges in front of me with the most pertinent of questions. Can I play with the puppy??
"What did I ask you to do while the adults ate?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast."
The song is still playing in the background of the door opening and shutting and in that small window of opportunity another child comes into the house. Can we ride four wheelers? "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast." So... We can't ride four wheelers? At that point "the look" was administered.
Mom started laughing and said, "I don't know why I thought you could listen to an entire song." Welcome to my world! We started the song again and almost made it through the entire thing. We put the finishing touches to our breakfast and called the men inside. We said the prayer and began to eat. The door burst open and I heard "Chloe is hurt and she needs you right now!!" What happened? "I think she got hit in the head by the soccer ball!" Is her head still attached? Is she bleeding? Is she walking and talking, then she can come inside and let me look at her. The door slams and we try to continue our conversation. During this time, I notice our puppy running back and forth from one of the girls rooms to my room. I put a little bell on her because she is so small, we can find her and won't step on her. That bell is jingling as hard as it can. I'm telling stories about the kids and about every 2 minutes she's running like the devil is chasing her. Her back is hunched over and her tail is tucked beneath her body and her ears are flopping. The door flies open and Chloe come stomping in and down the hallway. She isn't happy I didn't run to her aid. SLAM! The door shut once again. Jingle, jingle, jingle the dogs collar goes as she is flying across the hallway once again. Apparently she has gotten into one of the rooms that she isn't supposed to be and is running around in victory of stealing a toy. I start back into my story, yet again and the door chimes again, "front door". "They won't let me have the bike! Daddy said he would teach me how to ride without training wheels!" Excuse me. "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating? Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast. We will fix it all then." The dog runs across, once again. I believe we were able to get through several bites and the littlest one comes in with pure panic on her face. Patenna (McKenna) fell down and is bweeding! "Oh Lord! Can she walk? Ask her to come inside." She tan't walk, she's BWEEDING! As if on queue, the puppy runs across and back again as if in emphasis of he impending doom that awaited us.
Robby jumps up and comes to her aid. She had fallen while using her roller blades and skinned her "bad eh-bow" (she broke her elbow a few months back, yes you can do that). She had a spot of blood on her elbow and she was walking but acted as though she needed a wheelchair. I took a deep breath and looked at mom and David. We all just started laughing. What a nice relaxing breakfast we were having. I started winking and twitching like I was starting to get a tick. No sooner than my sarcasm overtakes me, one more child comes through and asks about something that was not an emergency. I didn't even respond. We just all started moving in different directions showing our defeat trying to get some peace and the guys went outside to play with the kids while we cleaned up from breakfast as the dog runs back across the hallway.
I did find out why she was acting so crazy. She had gotten into the girls room and stole a stuffed baby puppy. She thought she had done something big! Mom and I cleaned up and watched the kids play and learn how to ride their bike without training wheels. The boys threw the football and the girls painted on the hammock. It looked so peaceful to watch them play outside. Looks can be deceiving. The morning was pure chaos. When they are gone, we miss it.
I have never in my life been on such an emotional roller coaster. Either they are in tears or I am most weekends. I feel like we should have this figured out by now but as my own sweet guardian angel and mom of 4 told me, we just started. I can't expect to have figured anything out yet and that is ok. There's so many things no one could ever understand that is going on behind the scenes. The accusations and tears, the emotional children being told to keep secrets and using the children's fears to get what they want. Dealing with emotional abuse and fearing what's going on that we don't know about. Knowing that the only power we have is prayer and not liking the feeling of having no control. Prayer can change things but it's hard to let that be your secret weapon. From the outside it looks like you are "taking" what's being dished out. It's humbling.
You may not can get through 5 minutes without some sort of "emergency " or one week without a lawyer calling or a threat from your ex but it's ok. Sometimes the hardest, most challenging and craziest things are what helps us be who we need to be. Sometimes it's the unexpected emotions that make us realize it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't reflect badly on your mothering skills to have a revolving door, it means your children are human and so are you. It's ok to want to hide in the closet and put a sign on the door that reads "Out of the office". Hang up your superwoman cape. She is only real in comics and movies. Just breathe. Plaster a smile on your face, force yourself not to scream at your children and remember that in moments they will not be right down the hall and forgetting to shut their doors. The dog won't be stealing their toys, she'll be whining by their doors because they don't live their anymore. Enjoy the chaos and smile through the tears. Besides, it all makes for a great story!
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