I LOVE to write. I LOVE to talk to people too. When I write, I feel like someone else is on the other side of this screen that is drinking in what I am saying and will no longer feel alone in their struggle or getting a laugh at what I am saying. When I cannot sort through my emotions, I rarely talk about what it going on in my mind. If I do, I end up talking about things that has nothing to do with anything and rambling on about something completely insignificant. If I am struggling with confusion and anger and I speak or write, it will not be in the right spirit and I do not want to lead someone to think something that is incorrect about my life or about what action to take in their own. Therefore, I have not been as faithful in my blogging as I want to be. Sometimes, the struggle is currently going on or we are on the other side of it and it is too fresh. I want those of you that enjoy my blogs to continue to do so and not feel the need to have me committed.
I'm working on a project for an event coming up and in that work, I have been doing a little research on needing God DAILY. I believe that God is now trying me out to see if I believe what I say I believe. This week, I will be married for 10 months. To those of you that have been married for 20 years plus years, I can almost hear you chuckle as I say how thankful I am we made it for 10 months! My husband is a great man and I love him more than I ever knew possible to love someone that you have only known for such a short time. We are both divorced and are blending our families. You know you love each other when... One of my "whens" is making order out of chaos with our families. I have always like order and since we have been together that is not something I would associate with our lives or our house. I believe VERY strongly about just about everything and I have a very nonchalant husband. He is avid about his job and I about the children. We deal with our exes and our own emotions in regards to those exes. We deal with our guilt about not being with our children all the time and missing out on some of their milestones. We deal with different parenting methods. We deal with so many things, you wouldn't believe it or would have the time to read it all. It can be OVERWHELMING.
Right before I sat down to write this, I had to take several deep breaths to calm my self down and get my heart rate back to normal. If I don't, I am at risk for having a panic attack. That's embarrassing to admit. When I was younger, I believed those attacks were a sign that the person didn't have enough faith. Now, I know it is when I am trying to depend on myself rather than on the Lord. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great it thy faithfulness." They are new every morning. I need that. My problem is, I try to take on a month at a time and sometimes a few years. When I think about the future in some areas, I cringe. I panic. I want to crawl in the bed and hide under the covers. I can't do that or I will forget to enjoy today and I won't be able to deal with it all. We aren't built to carry all of that at once. I know that, but sometimes I have to just breathe, shake off my worries while I am laying them in God's hands. I may have to do that every hour upon the hour but I do it.
God has given you the very air you breathe and the ability to take that breath. Why would He waste time on something that precious? The answer is: He wouldn't. We are precious to Him. He tries us to make us grow. (Personally, I feel like I should be a giant by now) Growing is painful but it is necessary and if you know me, you know a little growth would do me some good!! This may feel silly but it really works! Take a second and inhale really deep and let it out slowly. Now, do it again and think of those verses. Tell God that you are laying your worries, burdens and future in His capable hands and you NEED Him to get you through today. You may have to do that several times today and then again tomorrow but JUST BREATHE. He's got this!!
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