Daniel 4:14 & 15 "... Hew down the tree, and cut down the tree, and cut off the branches, shake off his leaves,and scatter his fruit: let the beasts get away from under it, and the fowls from his branches: Nethertheless, leave the stump of his roots in the earth, even with a band of iron and brass, in the tender grass of the field;..."
When I was a young, naive adult, I was convinced that depression meant that you didn't have a relationship with God and the use of medication showed your lack of faith. There are so many variables in regards to medication so hold the debate on that. However, I went through a deep, dark and lonely depression. I felt so heavy. I felt hopeless. I felt like I would never recover. I felt like I was beyond recognition. Even if I prayed, God couldn't recognize the shell that I was. I hated nighttime but I hated trying to get out of bed even more. I WANTED to go out and have a good time but I couldn't get motivated. Everything that I said sounded negative. I put off a vibe where it felt as if I repelled people. I was in this place that I desperately wanted out of but couldn't move. I was weighed down and hated it.
My world had completely changed. In some ways I was relieved to be out of a volitle situation and in other ways, I was lost. I could make my own decisions but everything was scary and seemed impossible. I walked with God. I knew He could change everything but it was if my humanity couldn't look through the darkness and see the Light. I didn't feel like I had any friends I could lean on. My family and I were not close at that time and I was scared of my ex. I lived in constant fear of my kids being taken away. I was working any side job I could find to put food on the table. I had a job of cleaning a rental property where I had to tuck my pants inside my jeans and tape my boots shut so no creepy crawlers would get inside. I had to be careful to only step on floor joist because the animal waste had seeped through the carpet and the flooring until it was rotten. I pulled the carpet up, rolled it up and threw it on a trailer along with a black trash bag full of empty pill bottles. There were clothes, toys and a refrigerator and cabinets full of rotten food. I would go clean every day when the kids would leave for school and come home to throw my clothes directly into the washing machine in enough time to change and pick up the kids again. I loaded up an innumerable amount of trash into a truck and trailer and would unload it at a nearby dump. I did all that for less than you can imagine. It was enough to feed us on, pay some bills and attempt to keep my kids in school.
No one knew. No one knew how much I would have liked to get gussied up and get my nails done or go to a 9-5 job and be able to make ends meet. No one knew how I would have like to have not slept every night with a knife in my hand and many hid all over the house. I would have liked to have gone to church to listen to the preacher instead of constantly looking for the nearest exit away from my ex just to get pinned in a corner with him. No one helped me. No one rescued me. No one knew.
I felt low. I felt stupid for getting myself in that mess. I felt angry for feeling that I needed to hide my situation because I didn't want my kids having to live with "the sins of the father." I would lay in bed at night and the darkness felt like it would swallow me whole. As much as I hated the darkness, knowing that morning was coming wasn't any more of a relief. I prayed. I read my bible. I believed in God but I hadn't counted in my humanity. My humanity "weighed me down."
It felt like there was a black hole looming and no matter where I went, it was there. If I thought I was walking away from it, I would look up and it would be even closer than before. I started feeling hopelessness creep into my mind. I started feeling muddled. I was so confused. Nothing in my life made sense. I didn't feel like anything else could hit me and make me feel any worse, any lower than I felt at that time. What I didn't realize when I was in "the pit" was God was still protecting me even when I felt the most vulnerable. He was still listening even when I thought He didn't even know who I was anymore. He took all my fruit, trimmed my limbs, and cut back my branches but he put a "band of brass and iron" to protect the stump that was me. He didn't allow my roots to be destroyed. He allowed me to be taken down to nothing but protected me in the process. I remained, rooted in Him. Then, before I even realized it, I started to grow again. His light came through. He put friends, verses, sermons, wisdom from my children, lessons from nature in front of my eyes and wouldn't relent until I saw His purpose for each thing.
That pit still looms at times and I still bear scars but where all that was left of me was a stump, there now grows a budding tree. It was painful to grow but once I did, I started feeling hope once again. I started seeing that the fear and confusion was strategically put in my heart by the Devil to block God's voice. When I felt alone, it was my own humanity trying to tell God I could do it in my own strength. The people in my life that scared me, do not own me. I am a child of the King and He is my stay. (Psalms 18:17&18) I thank God every day that He "left the stump" and allowed me, in His sovereignty, to grow once again.
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