I have come to the conclusion that I can never be enough. It doesn't matter how large of a filter I have, I'll still say something to offend someone. It doesn't matter how much I care, I'll still not do quite enough. It doesn't matter how "perfect" I try to be, I never quite measure up. Sometimes I feel like I should totally win an award for not saying what I truly want to say and at times needs to be said. "Congratulations for not being as truthful as you want to be."
A few months ago I was sitting in an office hearing about how something I said in love that was 100% true was not my place. I was told I didnt have the relationship with the ones I spoke to in order to say those things. Don't be confused here, I told some girls I love that their attitudes stunk. I sandwiched that in with praise and admiration for their hard work but it wasn't paying off because of their attitudes. I sat there and heard these explanations as to why telling these girls the truth, a truth everyone was afraid to say for fear of fall out made me sound like an unfeeling bully. How shameful it is to be an adult in a position to make someone younger, stronger, more resilient and make them a better person, and not do it out of fear. I took note of everything I heard in order to recall it later after the shock wore off. I went for weeks feeling like I was completely inadequate. That I was publicly failing. I spoke with a couple of those girls and their parents that were in the midst of the conversation I had with this group and asked them their take. People I knew would tell me the truth no matter if it hurt or not. They told me in no uncertain terms that I was right and how they respected me more for calling them out. Amazing.
One of the most baffling things I have heard in quite some time was a mother that asked the pediatrician to bump up their kids meds because the child still isn't listening to her. This same mother came to me several month prior and asked me how I get her child to listen to me when she can't. Disclaimer: I'm not a super parent. My kids mess up. I mess up. I fail them more than I would like to admit to myself. I also know every kid is different. I don't always punish my son the way I do my daughter. They respond to it differently. However, I do know that you should set up a "response plan" when dealing with and disciplining your children. It should be the same response for that particular problem or offense. They like structure and knowing what to expect. If you scream at them when they do something wrong, you set the precedent of how you have to react in order to get their attention. If they don't hear you in your normal voice, they will not listen when you have lost it. In truth, they lose respect for you. Love is yes and love is no. You cannot turn your child into a zombie and expect them to be anything but that. You can't look to meds or the school to raise them. I believe we all feel like failures as parents at some point and sometimes we feel that way daily. Sometimes, when our faith is lacking, we try to "fix" the problem on our own.
Although those two stories don't seem related, they are. We all feel inadequate. We all feel like we will never be enough. I think one of the reasons we cannot take truth from anyone is because we already feel like royal failures. We already feel like we cannot take one more thing, one more person telling us we don't measure up. It's overwhelming. I have some theories about that. I know you're shocked!
One is that we seek people's approval and not the One that truly matters. We have instant gratification on social media. We look for likes and comments to justify or validate our lives. We aren't used to a "thumbs down". We live in a world that is high pressure and fast paced. We are expected to be everywhere and do everything all at the same time. Do you know that we were created to have a relationship with God? That was Adam's sole purpose in the garden was because God wanted "company". Our lives are so full of everything. We've even eliminated church except for one service a week all in the name of "spending time with our families".
If our sole purpose at the beginning of our time was to have fellowship God and then it became for us to minister to others, do you see how off we have gotten? I find myself obsessing over I think this person is mad at me at church because I didn't say this just right, that I forget the whole reason I'm attending church. I start losing my drive to want to go. I start feeling like churmches are just full of uncaring, hypocritical people. Don't act like you've never thought it.
The truth is, we will never be enough. We will never be capable of doing enough. Isn't that encouraging? The amazing part is, WE don't have to be because HE IS. Who is this amazing "man" I'm speaking of? It is Jesus. The One who died for us. The One that loves us solely because we are His creation. He created mankind knowing that we would sorely disappoint, knowing as a result He would suffer and die a gruesome death.
Before you start thinking how outlandish that is, think of this: (this is not an all inclusive comparison)
You found out that you're pregnant. You've been hoping and praying and dreaming of nothing else. When you go to the doctor to get your "gender reveal" ultrasound, the doctor finds something very wrong. He calls you into his office and tells you that your baby that is growing inside you, will be the one that causes your death. You are told that if you have this child, you will not live to see this baby grow up. What do you do?
In Jesus' case, He knew that by letting his "baby" live, He would live again. As mothers, we do absolutely whatever it takes to make sure our children are healthy and happy. We give of ourselves until there's nothing left and if need be, die for our children. He gave it all so we could live. Look how we live. We are a mess. A very good portion of people are on medication because they can't take their life. We are living in a way that we weren't designed for. Our emotions are so raw we can't handle truth.
There are some days I'm so overwhelmed I feel like hiding just won't cut it. However, I know I'm doing that to myself. I'm putting that pressure on myself. Romans 8:37 says we are more than conquerors. God wants us to live and live abundantly (more than adequate) John 10:10. Just keep in mind that you DONT HAVE TO BE ENOUGH because HE is. There is hope for us because he provided it. Let us not get so caught up in this world that we forget about the One we are here for.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
THIS IS SERIOUS
This morning I was reminded about a time when my son had been struggling a little with my new work schedule. He had been missing me and having stomach aches. I believe the stomach issues were because of the stress he was under. I came home from work one night and was told he had been crying for me for 15 minutes. My big ol 9 year old boy was missing his mommy. It broke my heart but made me smile. It felt good to know that I was missed. Some mornings he woke up and would be suddenly deathly ill and could not go to school. One morning he came to the kitchen and walked up to me while I was helping get their lunches together. "Mom, I am sick. I cannot quit coughing and I feel really bad." I turned around and smiled at him and in a patronizing doting voice I hugged him and said,"Bless your heart!! Mommy's baby is sick." He stood there with his head on my chest and said, "Mom. You know this is serious, right?" "Of course it is! You can be my baby and no one has to know. (adding the voice again for good measure) You just be my baby and mommy will make it all better!" He relaxed in my arms again but shook his head at the same time. He went to school.
Sometimes that's all it takes is a little love, attention and someone to share your burdens. How many times have I went to a friend or family before I ever went to God? I like to handle what I can without help in every area of life. I'm independent to a fault at times. I'm also a verbal person. Shocker, right? All I need to do sometimes is talk. I have fussed at many people that needed it in the privacy of my own home while I was cleaning. There's a good chance it started out as a prayer for the person and went a bit off track. After I got all of my feelings out in the "open", I could then think through the injustice and be able to respond to that person in the right spirit. Let's be real. Sometimes you need a voice that talks back that you can hear or an arm that you can feel the warmth and love as it is wrapped around you. For me, it is harder for me to pray through a situation when I am about to explode with my thoughts, opinions, hurt and sometimes rage. It is harder for me to open my Bible and seek wisdom when I have smoke coming out of my ears.
What amazes me is that God will sometimes send someone that is the physical representation for what I need to hear. Women like for other women to agree with them or say something like, "No they didn't!, We will see about that!" We like that someone else is willing to walk beside us singing "Somebody's in trouble" while dragging a bat behind them. What I have found is the conviction I feel when I have sought out someone else's council before God's. When in fact, He sees it all. He sees it like a movie from beginning to end and knows every scene, even the ones that will get cut before completion. He wants justice for us even more than we do ourselves. After a while, I feel like I should start every prayer with, "Lord, it's me again..." I swear He chuckles every time I pray. I can almost feel Him patting my head!
What I believe is, just as Jayden wanted to spend more time with me and his physical and emotional needs were real, God wants that time with us. Sometimes the situations we are in is to open up an opportunity that He will be able to wrap us in His arms and tell us lovingly that we are His child. Even the person that is blinded by their insecurities and do not care how badly their words and actions have hurt you, He sees. Even when you feel the circumstances you are in are totally unjust, He knows. Even the pain that the situation is causing you, He feels. He is allowing it for a specific reason. When we don't acknowledge Him through it is when the injustice doesn't get thwarted.
I have recently encountered someone that I respected after speaking with them for just a few minutes. She made me laugh til I cried and she had Jesus all over her. She parented her children like I do. We had similar ideas but I felt like she would sharpen me. I felt like she would make me better by knowing her. God may have wrapped His arms around me but it was hers that I felt. I want to be that for someone else. "I'm going to make everything around me beautiful-that will be my life." Elsie de Wolfe There is something about that line that spoke to me. I want to make the world around me beautiful because I was in it. My name may not be written in history books or even in the local newspaper but I can change the world that I live in even if no one sees. It can be the "unseen" things that make the biggest impact.
I do have some friends that will check that they have a full round while getting their keys if I need them. I also have friends and family that will wrap me in their arms as I fall apart. People that didn't even know I felt like my life was over and they sent some love and encouragement to me just in time. Every one of those friends were sent to me. Every one of those friends have been a way that God told me that He heard me. My prayer today is that I will seek him before I check the chamber. No, really. I pray that we all may find solace in God. It sounds trite, like a cop-out to say read the Word and pray but most of the time we make things a lot more complex than it has to be. No matter how serious it is, God can take it and let your heart, mind and body rest.
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
Sometimes that's all it takes is a little love, attention and someone to share your burdens. How many times have I went to a friend or family before I ever went to God? I like to handle what I can without help in every area of life. I'm independent to a fault at times. I'm also a verbal person. Shocker, right? All I need to do sometimes is talk. I have fussed at many people that needed it in the privacy of my own home while I was cleaning. There's a good chance it started out as a prayer for the person and went a bit off track. After I got all of my feelings out in the "open", I could then think through the injustice and be able to respond to that person in the right spirit. Let's be real. Sometimes you need a voice that talks back that you can hear or an arm that you can feel the warmth and love as it is wrapped around you. For me, it is harder for me to pray through a situation when I am about to explode with my thoughts, opinions, hurt and sometimes rage. It is harder for me to open my Bible and seek wisdom when I have smoke coming out of my ears.
What amazes me is that God will sometimes send someone that is the physical representation for what I need to hear. Women like for other women to agree with them or say something like, "No they didn't!, We will see about that!" We like that someone else is willing to walk beside us singing "Somebody's in trouble" while dragging a bat behind them. What I have found is the conviction I feel when I have sought out someone else's council before God's. When in fact, He sees it all. He sees it like a movie from beginning to end and knows every scene, even the ones that will get cut before completion. He wants justice for us even more than we do ourselves. After a while, I feel like I should start every prayer with, "Lord, it's me again..." I swear He chuckles every time I pray. I can almost feel Him patting my head!
What I believe is, just as Jayden wanted to spend more time with me and his physical and emotional needs were real, God wants that time with us. Sometimes the situations we are in is to open up an opportunity that He will be able to wrap us in His arms and tell us lovingly that we are His child. Even the person that is blinded by their insecurities and do not care how badly their words and actions have hurt you, He sees. Even when you feel the circumstances you are in are totally unjust, He knows. Even the pain that the situation is causing you, He feels. He is allowing it for a specific reason. When we don't acknowledge Him through it is when the injustice doesn't get thwarted.
I have recently encountered someone that I respected after speaking with them for just a few minutes. She made me laugh til I cried and she had Jesus all over her. She parented her children like I do. We had similar ideas but I felt like she would sharpen me. I felt like she would make me better by knowing her. God may have wrapped His arms around me but it was hers that I felt. I want to be that for someone else. "I'm going to make everything around me beautiful-that will be my life." Elsie de Wolfe There is something about that line that spoke to me. I want to make the world around me beautiful because I was in it. My name may not be written in history books or even in the local newspaper but I can change the world that I live in even if no one sees. It can be the "unseen" things that make the biggest impact.
I do have some friends that will check that they have a full round while getting their keys if I need them. I also have friends and family that will wrap me in their arms as I fall apart. People that didn't even know I felt like my life was over and they sent some love and encouragement to me just in time. Every one of those friends were sent to me. Every one of those friends have been a way that God told me that He heard me. My prayer today is that I will seek him before I check the chamber. No, really. I pray that we all may find solace in God. It sounds trite, like a cop-out to say read the Word and pray but most of the time we make things a lot more complex than it has to be. No matter how serious it is, God can take it and let your heart, mind and body rest.
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
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