Ever wonder what you would do if you received what you know would make you happy(ier)? If you received everything you have ever wished for, how would you feel?
Recently, I feel like the desires and dreams I have had secretly and publicly have been unfolding right before my eyes. What do you do when you realize your dreams are no longer something you wish on a star or a stray eyelash, they are now a part of your life? If you realize one day in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life that it isn't just going to work, putting the kids to bed, cleaning house, preparing for the next day, getting ready to go to work or bed, dealing with mad, frustrated, concerned or upset members, or even loving on the new people that comes into your life. It has become more. I feel like I slowed down just long enough to know that the things and people in my life every day are part of the dreams I have held close for so long. There are still daily struggles that I have and cannot seem to ever find a remedy or a middle ground for but that is reality. There are people I meet every week that make an impact on me one way or another. There are people that have come into my life, I find myself checking to make sure that it is possible that they are real. The longing and brokenness I have lived with has started to melt away into a feeling I have yet to label.
It seems as if every week something new hits me, that hasn't changed but what has is the ones around me and what is within me. My heart has begun to soften and my desire for more in life has begun to burn strongly once again. All of this has started unfolding right before my eyes. The encouraging words I have offered to a friend have started coming true in my own life. The unspoken longing that I have felt for as long as I can remember now has a glimmer of hope to finding a home. It's amazing and terrifying all at the same time. My kids have a stability and a better future than I could have imagined. Time has past and it no longer feels like my enemy. The future that I kept telling myself is possible is now my present life. The future that I now see is even better than I could have hoped. Not everything is rainbows and butterflies but I am moving and growing towards that place, the place where I have written about, desired and dreamed about for a long, long time.
My path looms ahead at times but it quit being scary. The nights are still long but they aren't as lonely as they have been.The days are still exhausting but they have purpose and drive me to a better tomorrow.
If your desires and dreams start unfolding right before your eyes, what will you do with it? Are you more scared of what will happen if they do come true or if they don't? What we want and what we need may be two different things but what if you get both? Why not expect more? God said He will give us the desires of hearts, why do we expect any different? Be looking for your desires, dreams and passions to unfold right before your eyes.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
THE GUILT THAT I CARRY
It wasn't long after I became an adult, I discovered what guilt was. I carried it with me every day. When I cleaned the house, dealt with the kids and even went to church, I lugged around that guilt. It was so heavy. Every day, I was emotionally exhausted from carrying around that extra weight in my mind and my heart. I was physically tired.
Now, I am a divorced, single mom with a job, the kids, church and many more responsibilities that I have on me every day. I have struggled with guilt again. There are times, I cry because my kids need their dad and I want them to just need me, I don't get home until after 6, they aren't with me most Sundays, etc. I feel guilty for having to work and not be there to pick them up from school or cook supper for them. It's been just us three a lot in their lives and that guilt comes back to me often.
Every child needs their mom and dad, regardless of what that parent is like. I feel guilty for struggling with the fact they need a man in their life and no matter what I do, I can never fill that void. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get upset when there are verbal attacks launched at me or having things from my past life pop up in my current one.
We re not made to carry guilt. Our bodies or minds are not able to sustain that weight. Lamentations 3:22-23 "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." God only gives us what we can handle for that day. He doesn't give us more or less, it's just enough. I have this knowledge but it doesn't mean I don't fight with my emotions and guilt.
Some of where I am is because of the choices I have made. Some of those choices were not good ones and some were. It seems that in times like these, the not so good choices, are the ones that stick out. I cannot change the past, but I can determine that what ever comes my way in the future I will meet and exceed the challenge. No one can control what is to come but we can control how we react to it. There are days I feel completely overwhelmed. I want to craw under the covers, cry, eat pizza and cookie dough and not come out for a week. Then there are days that I get up with a smile on my face and I know no matter what, I am going to be okay.
When I was little, the Lion King was a popular movie. My favorite line is when the baboon hits Simba in the head and Simba says, "Ow! What did you do that for?" He then replies, "it doesn't matta, it's all in da past" That's so true. No matter what happened (that -ed makes it past tense) it isn't what is happening NOW. We process it, deal with it, forgive it and move on.
The guilt we carry is a very real thing. I do not want to make it sound like it's unimportant. Sometimes we tell ourselves it is our punishment for whatever happened. We don't deserve to be forgiven. You are right, we don't deserve forgiveness but that is why it is called forgiveness. Forgiveness is always given to the ones who deserve it the least. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luck 23:34 If God can forgive the ones he created for murdering Him, who are we not to forgive? He forgave us. He knows we will fail. He knows our humanity but gave Himself for us.
The guilt that I carry is heavy but not when I give it to God. There are so many things that I feel guilt over. Things that I cannot fix or emotions I have. I am not alone in my struggle because He is with me every step of the way. When I want to stomp my feet in protest, take off my earrings and heels and fight someone that is trying to hurt me, He is there telling me to settle down and helping me see the other side of things. When I feel guilty for even having those thoughts, I imagine Him chuckling at me and shaking His head because He knows me, my spunk and what I'm capable of and loves me anyway. The guilt that I carry is no longer on my shoulders, it is on His.
Now, I am a divorced, single mom with a job, the kids, church and many more responsibilities that I have on me every day. I have struggled with guilt again. There are times, I cry because my kids need their dad and I want them to just need me, I don't get home until after 6, they aren't with me most Sundays, etc. I feel guilty for having to work and not be there to pick them up from school or cook supper for them. It's been just us three a lot in their lives and that guilt comes back to me often.
Every child needs their mom and dad, regardless of what that parent is like. I feel guilty for struggling with the fact they need a man in their life and no matter what I do, I can never fill that void. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get upset when there are verbal attacks launched at me or having things from my past life pop up in my current one.
We re not made to carry guilt. Our bodies or minds are not able to sustain that weight. Lamentations 3:22-23 "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." God only gives us what we can handle for that day. He doesn't give us more or less, it's just enough. I have this knowledge but it doesn't mean I don't fight with my emotions and guilt.
Some of where I am is because of the choices I have made. Some of those choices were not good ones and some were. It seems that in times like these, the not so good choices, are the ones that stick out. I cannot change the past, but I can determine that what ever comes my way in the future I will meet and exceed the challenge. No one can control what is to come but we can control how we react to it. There are days I feel completely overwhelmed. I want to craw under the covers, cry, eat pizza and cookie dough and not come out for a week. Then there are days that I get up with a smile on my face and I know no matter what, I am going to be okay.
When I was little, the Lion King was a popular movie. My favorite line is when the baboon hits Simba in the head and Simba says, "Ow! What did you do that for?" He then replies, "it doesn't matta, it's all in da past" That's so true. No matter what happened (that -ed makes it past tense) it isn't what is happening NOW. We process it, deal with it, forgive it and move on.
The guilt we carry is a very real thing. I do not want to make it sound like it's unimportant. Sometimes we tell ourselves it is our punishment for whatever happened. We don't deserve to be forgiven. You are right, we don't deserve forgiveness but that is why it is called forgiveness. Forgiveness is always given to the ones who deserve it the least. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luck 23:34 If God can forgive the ones he created for murdering Him, who are we not to forgive? He forgave us. He knows we will fail. He knows our humanity but gave Himself for us.
The guilt that I carry is heavy but not when I give it to God. There are so many things that I feel guilt over. Things that I cannot fix or emotions I have. I am not alone in my struggle because He is with me every step of the way. When I want to stomp my feet in protest, take off my earrings and heels and fight someone that is trying to hurt me, He is there telling me to settle down and helping me see the other side of things. When I feel guilty for even having those thoughts, I imagine Him chuckling at me and shaking His head because He knows me, my spunk and what I'm capable of and loves me anyway. The guilt that I carry is no longer on my shoulders, it is on His.
Friday, October 3, 2014
REBUILDING MY CASTLE
Here I am again, looking at my life. I have traveled many miles in the past two years. I have moved a few times and worked in many different jobs to make ends meet. I have started over and over and over. Now, I am working at a job with amazing career potential that will provide my children and I with a secure future. I am attending a caring and loving church. I meet new people every week there and feel like I have found what I have been looking for within those walls. I have discovered many things about myself and other people. I have seen what strong children that I have. As I look forward, I see nothing. No picture is painted before my eyes of my future, just a space in which anything can be built. This space that represents my future has unlimited possibilities. In this space is where I will rebuild my castle. This castle can be made out of anything that I desire. Only the people that I want to enter will have access to it and to me. Everything about this castle will represent me in some capacity.
The foundation needs to be strong, dependable and never change no matter what the weather. The walls of this castle need to be strong so all my enemies will be deterred but also inviting for the ones I love and that need to be loved to know that they can come in. The gate needs to be easy to lower for the ones that seek refuge and quick to be raised when danger is lurking. The furnishings need to represent royalty but make anyone of any station feel at home. The rooms need to be filled with love. The sounds should stir your soul and create a warmth deep within. The smells should take you back to a good place in your life and make you feel comforted. The spirit should put your mind at rest and make you feel safe as soon as you cross the threshold.
How do I build this castle? Where do I begin? Every step has purpose. Every day holds a promise. The foundation will represent the Lord. His faithfulness, goodness and dependability is shown in every inch of the it. The walls represent every decision I have made. Every stone that is placed by me is a point in time that I decided to take the high road and do the right thing or let my humanity reign. If you look closely at those bricks you can see that decision play out as if it is a living picture. It takes time to build those walls and with every step, every day, a new stone is placed. The gate is what I allow in and out of the castle. Whether it is people, my own words or circumstances, it is up to me to allow it to come before my presence. Each time the gate is lowered I am risking the safety of the castle. The protection of the ones who reside within rests on my shoulders. The furnishings represent what I wear and how I carry myself. It represents my personality and class. The sounds of us lifting our voices in praise of each other and the Lord should be something that is commonplace. My spirit and love that I want others to learn and share should fill each and every area of the castle. When people come to my castle or in front of me, I want to leave feeling better than when they came. I want them to see a difference in me than anyone else. I want my castle and everything in it to represent a child of the King. I want the ones inside my castle to feel safe and loved. My castle may not be like the one I had before and that is my goal. I want it to be better than I could have even hoped for.
In those times when my enemies do try to enter into my castle I want to handle it with grace and poise and let them know they have been dealt with. It needs to be in such a way that it doesn't hurt or harm them but make them think twice before even pointing themselves in my direction. I want to be known as a loving and caring queen but one to be reckoned with.
Each day, I will look at my castle and see if there are any weak spots in its construction. Each day, I will remind myself of the responsibilities I have as a queen to the people and to myself. Each stone should be sturdy and represent a part of myself I am proud of. It is a big responsibility to build a castle but I have been equipped with the knowledge and fortitude to complete the task. The process is taking longer than I would like at times, but with the Lord as my foundation, there is nothing impossible that we cannot handle together. One day my castle will be completed and my story will be told to all of those who pass by my castle. My name will be carried on through generations. It is up to me what they see and the story that is told. You and I both know that story is gonna be nothing less than amazing!!
The foundation needs to be strong, dependable and never change no matter what the weather. The walls of this castle need to be strong so all my enemies will be deterred but also inviting for the ones I love and that need to be loved to know that they can come in. The gate needs to be easy to lower for the ones that seek refuge and quick to be raised when danger is lurking. The furnishings need to represent royalty but make anyone of any station feel at home. The rooms need to be filled with love. The sounds should stir your soul and create a warmth deep within. The smells should take you back to a good place in your life and make you feel comforted. The spirit should put your mind at rest and make you feel safe as soon as you cross the threshold.
How do I build this castle? Where do I begin? Every step has purpose. Every day holds a promise. The foundation will represent the Lord. His faithfulness, goodness and dependability is shown in every inch of the it. The walls represent every decision I have made. Every stone that is placed by me is a point in time that I decided to take the high road and do the right thing or let my humanity reign. If you look closely at those bricks you can see that decision play out as if it is a living picture. It takes time to build those walls and with every step, every day, a new stone is placed. The gate is what I allow in and out of the castle. Whether it is people, my own words or circumstances, it is up to me to allow it to come before my presence. Each time the gate is lowered I am risking the safety of the castle. The protection of the ones who reside within rests on my shoulders. The furnishings represent what I wear and how I carry myself. It represents my personality and class. The sounds of us lifting our voices in praise of each other and the Lord should be something that is commonplace. My spirit and love that I want others to learn and share should fill each and every area of the castle. When people come to my castle or in front of me, I want to leave feeling better than when they came. I want them to see a difference in me than anyone else. I want my castle and everything in it to represent a child of the King. I want the ones inside my castle to feel safe and loved. My castle may not be like the one I had before and that is my goal. I want it to be better than I could have even hoped for.
In those times when my enemies do try to enter into my castle I want to handle it with grace and poise and let them know they have been dealt with. It needs to be in such a way that it doesn't hurt or harm them but make them think twice before even pointing themselves in my direction. I want to be known as a loving and caring queen but one to be reckoned with.
Each day, I will look at my castle and see if there are any weak spots in its construction. Each day, I will remind myself of the responsibilities I have as a queen to the people and to myself. Each stone should be sturdy and represent a part of myself I am proud of. It is a big responsibility to build a castle but I have been equipped with the knowledge and fortitude to complete the task. The process is taking longer than I would like at times, but with the Lord as my foundation, there is nothing impossible that we cannot handle together. One day my castle will be completed and my story will be told to all of those who pass by my castle. My name will be carried on through generations. It is up to me what they see and the story that is told. You and I both know that story is gonna be nothing less than amazing!!
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