THE GUILT THAT I CARRY

  It wasn't long after I became an adult, I discovered what guilt was. I carried it with me every day. When I cleaned the house, dealt with the kids and even went to church, I lugged around that guilt. It was so heavy. Every day, I was emotionally exhausted from carrying around that extra weight in my mind and my heart. I was physically tired.
  Now, I am a divorced, single mom with a job, the kids, church and many more responsibilities that I have on me every day. I have struggled with guilt again. There are times, I cry because my kids need their dad and I want them to just need me, I don't get home until after 6, they aren't with me most Sundays, etc. I feel guilty for having to work and not be there to pick them up from school or cook supper for them. It's been just us three a lot in their lives and that guilt comes back to me often.
   Every child needs their mom and dad, regardless of what that parent is like. I feel guilty for struggling with the fact they need a man in their life and no matter what I do, I can never fill that void. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get upset when there are verbal attacks launched at me or having things from my past life pop up in my current one.
   We re not made to carry guilt. Our bodies or minds are not able to sustain that weight. Lamentations 3:22-23 "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." God only gives us what we can handle for that day. He doesn't give us more or less, it's just enough. I have this knowledge but it doesn't mean I don't fight with my emotions and guilt.
   Some of where I am is because of the choices I have made. Some of those choices were not good ones and some were. It seems that in times like these, the not so good choices, are the ones that stick out. I cannot change the past, but I can determine that what ever comes my way in the future I will meet and exceed the challenge. No one can control what is to come but we can control how we react to it. There are days I feel completely overwhelmed. I want to craw under the covers, cry, eat pizza and cookie dough and not come out for a week. Then there are days that I get up with a smile on my face and I know no matter what, I am going to be okay.
   When I was little, the Lion King was a popular movie. My favorite line is when the baboon hits Simba in the head and Simba says, "Ow! What did you do that for?" He then replies, "it doesn't matta, it's all in da past" That's so true. No matter what happened (that -ed makes it past tense) it isn't what is happening NOW. We process it, deal with it, forgive it and move on.
   The guilt we carry is a very real thing. I do not want to make it sound like it's unimportant. Sometimes we tell ourselves it is our punishment for whatever happened. We don't deserve to be forgiven. You are right, we don't deserve forgiveness but that is why it is called forgiveness. Forgiveness is always given to the ones who deserve it the least. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luck 23:34 If God can forgive the ones he created for murdering Him, who are we not to forgive? He forgave us. He knows we will fail. He knows our humanity but gave Himself for us.
  The guilt that I carry is heavy but not when I give it to God. There are so many things that I feel guilt over. Things that I cannot fix or emotions I have. I am not alone in my struggle because He is with me every step of the way. When I want to stomp my feet in protest, take off my earrings and heels and fight someone that is trying to hurt me, He is there telling me to settle down and helping me see the other side of things. When I feel guilty for even having those thoughts, I imagine Him chuckling at me and shaking His head because He knows me, my spunk and what I'm capable of and loves me anyway. The guilt that I carry is no longer on my shoulders, it is on His.