WHEN MY HEART WENT DARK

I am a happy, go lucky person. I always saw the bright side of life. There was nothing a little determination could fix and then... Just a few years ago, my heart was broken. In that time, I was distraught, confused and lost and then...I was angry. I wasn't just angry, I was mad! I was so mad, I saw red. I could feel it from my toes all the way up to the top of my head, even my hair hurt. I felt the injustice of that time. I knew that my well laid out plans with having children with someone to watching them grow up to dancing together at their wedding to babysitting the grandkids were over because of what? Selfishness. Inconsideration. "A tough time." "A bad day." Not only were my dreams shattered but my children's security was gone as well. He had taken so much.

  To say one is mad is one thing, at one point my heart went dark. I felt as if I had not just built a wall but it had bobbed wire on top and if by chance someone got too close or asked about the ex, the venom that spewed from my mouth was something to be reckoned with. Every man was the same. Every man secretly had the heart of the one that hurt me. Every man was punished for his sins. I would date but I would feel myself setting them up to see if they would "take the bait" and prove what I thought in my heart was right. After all, they were just like the one that hurt me. Since I couldn't make him pay, I would make everyone else pay instead. I told myself this wasn't the case, that I was ok but it was the furthest thing from the truth. Everyone else, including me, paid for his sins. I was drinking poison and expecting him to get sick. 

  Everyone that was kind to me HAD to have an ulterior motive. Every church was the same as the one that turned their back on me. Every "friend" was the same as the one that didn't want to associate with me because of what I was going through. I had even cut myself off from my family for a time. I was "protecting" myself. If I was protecting myself, why did it hurt so much and feel so lonely? Oh, I was ok,  but could still feel the anger inside me so strongly that it literally burned. I could speak his name but only through gritted teeth. I could tell "my story" but with more anger than understanding and compassion. My heart was cold and dark. I consistently had a scowl on my face and didn't even know that I did. 

  One day, my son said, "Mom, why are you angry all the time?" I chuckled and said,"I'm not. Why would you say that?" He very seriously looked at me and then wrinkled up his face in a hideous scowl and said, "because your face always looks like this." I felt my face fall. I just stared at him and the first time in ages, I felt tears in my eyes. I AM angry all the time and they are suffering for it. Everyone is suffering for what one person did. I knew my heart was dark. I believed that everyone turned their backs on me and I was suffering an unjust punishment for something that I must have done a long time ago. If God was REALLY a God of love, why would he allow that? What an unfair question but i said it anyway. 

  I took some time and went through the days of my marriage and everything that lead up to that moment but I processed it through different eyes and with a different heart. I allowed myself to be angry but not to stay that way. I allowed myself time to cry but not to continue to cry. I could feel the darkness fighting with the new knowledge that I had and love I wanted to feel. It felt as though I was cutting away at the weeds and briars that had overtaken my "garden" with dull pair of child's scissors. I felt as though I had made some progress and then I would see him again. He would say something hurtful and I would see red. I wanted to take those dull scissors and... Well, I would have to start over. Each time was less and less. I eventually found some "weed killer". I began to open up to my real friends. I shared my story. I learned compassion and how to turn around such a unimaginable situation into a tool to help other people. I still struggle. He says something hurtful or uses the kids as a tool to hurt me and I see red! Again! I stop, take a breath, cry, vent and then I ask for forgiveness for the anger that overtook me for that time and move on. Sometimes it takes longer than others but it always goes away. I refuse to drink the poison and allow that darkness to overtake my heart again. 

  The darkness still looms. It is an ever present feeling. Some days it is almost akin to the feeling you get when you feel someone staring at you. Or someone that is standing near you that you don't see but you feel. Sometimes it doesn't even seem like that was ever a part of my life. It doesn't seem real. If it weren't for the kids, my mind could be convinced it never happened. I realize that once I have seen and felt that darkness, it is something that I will have to be conscious of and know it would be so easy to let it overtake me again. Sometimes the light has to fight the darkness but the light has always won. The light that came into my life was the realization of Gods unconditional love. That love will always overpower anything but it is up to me to allow it to.