I have been complimented on how strong others perceive me but I am not that strong. I have been told, if I could just have a little bit of your courage but I am not that courageous. I struggle. I feel overwhelmed. I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel lost. I go through the same emotions that anyone else does. I am driven to follow the principles I have decided I would follow a long time ago. For some unknown reason, I am fighter of injustice and always stick up for the "under dog" even if that person is me. Being a people pleaser is a bit of a curse but if I don't stand up for myself, who will?
I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone, that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
My Problems Should be OVER!
As you know, my journey has been quite an interesting one to say the least. A lot of people think once you meet the one you are going to marry will "fix" some things that you haven't had in your other relationship. What you don't expect is the emotions and complications that come with the amazing happiness that you find.
Once Robby and I met, I didn't expect the resentment, anger, anxiety and insecurity that would follow. Although, it made me more compassionate towards my exes wife. The anxiety of not being exactly what everyone needs all the time, not being the perfect step mom, not meeting everyone's expectations, not listening more and talking less, not being patient, not being...enough. The insecurity of the the feeling I have to compete with his past, my totally hot mom bod getting old, the wonder if me or my children will be a disappointment. The resentment of what "she" took from him and feeling that she took time away from me. The constant fight of my anger and emotions because of her being everywhere. The resentment that it wasn't me that had his first baby. It wasn't me that shared that intimate first time parent moment with your spouse. The anger of feeling like our lives are constantly disrupted by petty, selfish fits of immaturity all the while trying to remain neutral. No one says, his kids may hate you at some point. No matter what you say, that reassurance has to come from their parents. No one says that you will grieve the kids you don't have together. Just to have all those emotions compounded with guilt because you love the kids you have. No one tells you that you will feel like a failure more times than not at first, especially when you feel like they think your mode of transportation is a broom.
Everything should be perfect and in some aspects they are. The deal is, you are dealing with children, someone that's views are distorted with anger and also "lost time". I've had to constantly remind myself to be thankful for the time that I have now. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better but I believe that you can have a happy home in your blended family. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone in this "fight". He doesn't understand why I'm emotional about things that are said, done or misunderstood. I refuse to change who I am but is that the right thing to do? Or should I be me and just almost "ignore" their ups and downs until they start to warm up to me again? You don't know what line his or your kids are being fed. You don't know what the other very verbal parent is saying that is tearing you down or if the kids are trying to manipulate you for attention. You can't resent them. They are just kids but yet you live with the chaos they leave in their wake, better yet "her" chaos. Sometimes, you feel as if you have to "pay" for her sins. A simple word or phrase said in complete innocence can trigger something from the past you didn't know was there. No one I talked to had said anything like this to me. I was clueless.
How do you process that without losing your mind, feeling on an island or being perceived as the evil stepmother? I have personally started reading books on marriage, again, and on being a wise stepparent. If our marriage is strong, we will be a united front for when the kids start getting older and everything gets more complicated. I'm looking into getting the kids into some safe, Christian counseling, and making sure I do not taking all this personally. Divorce is SO hard. Can you imagine being a kid in it and not being able to perceive who's looking out for you and who just wants an ego boost? Some parents just want the kids angry at their ex like they are, but don't understand the lifelong damage that can do. You may have satisfaction in their anger but I can assure you, it will be short lived.
Sometimes the "other children" will resent you because you are what their mom is not and they can't be angry at their mom because, well, she's their mom. When they hurt their dad, all you can do is being loving, kind and show them another way with your actions because at this point, your words mean nothing. Never had a child treat you with blatant disrespect? Become a stepparent. Feel Madea creeping out of you? Walk away. If you know me, you know what a challenge this truly is. Children do not comprehend that you can love and be loyal to both parents. However, some parents make their children choose sides. When they are smaller, that control is powerful. However, as they get older they will hate the parent that required the choice and the time they lost with the one that didn't make them choose.
Having an ex, stepchildren and dealing with his ex is a constant source of growth for me, I'm growing in leaps and bounds and it is PAINFUL. Just when I think everything is over, I realize I just started a new chapter with all new characters and all new situations and opportunities to overcome and create a better me. There are so many places that I've never been that he has. There are pictures I'm not in. There are children that will never be. There are laughs I missed out on. I've had to stop and look at what I have and what we share, not what I don't have or share. There's a very good chance, I wouldn't have even liked Robby 10 years ago but I love who has become. I hate there are things I don't share with him but I would rather be with him now than not have him at all. What we went through in our lives made us who we are. The emotions are strong, real and sometimes come to me, back to back. I love the challenge and I will meet it head on. I can see how special his girls are. I can see their potential and what I believe they need. I know he is an amazing man.
I can say, have to remind myself to not feel guilty for being human and not doing it all right all the time. I know he fell in love with me knowing that I am not perfect. Patience with myself is what I have to find now. Some "problems" are over. Many things are better than I could have ever hoped for. Ultimately, his kids aren't my kids to raise. They are my kids to support and give their dad another team member. I am more there for guidance than as another "parent". This has been very hard to grasp for me at first because of the lack of things they need that he can't provide. The struggle can be real but dependence on my own knowledge isn't enough. Grace, patience, understanding, prayer and not being too hard on myself is going to have to be daily goals. Sometimes, new problems, aka challenges are in store right when you least expect it but we've got this!! Breathe and know that being human isn't as bad as it seems. I'm good back up. I am a great friend. I love deeply and want the best for everyone. We are going to be family and we will learn what that means from a blended family's perspective together. Problems are also called opportunities and I am sure we will have lots of opportunities to grow and to help others in our journey.
"Remember why you chose to come together in the first place--the love that you have for your partner. Your partner's children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness." -Beth Huber
"You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come." _Kelly LeFurgey
Once Robby and I met, I didn't expect the resentment, anger, anxiety and insecurity that would follow. Although, it made me more compassionate towards my exes wife. The anxiety of not being exactly what everyone needs all the time, not being the perfect step mom, not meeting everyone's expectations, not listening more and talking less, not being patient, not being...enough. The insecurity of the the feeling I have to compete with his past, my totally hot mom bod getting old, the wonder if me or my children will be a disappointment. The resentment of what "she" took from him and feeling that she took time away from me. The constant fight of my anger and emotions because of her being everywhere. The resentment that it wasn't me that had his first baby. It wasn't me that shared that intimate first time parent moment with your spouse. The anger of feeling like our lives are constantly disrupted by petty, selfish fits of immaturity all the while trying to remain neutral. No one says, his kids may hate you at some point. No matter what you say, that reassurance has to come from their parents. No one says that you will grieve the kids you don't have together. Just to have all those emotions compounded with guilt because you love the kids you have. No one tells you that you will feel like a failure more times than not at first, especially when you feel like they think your mode of transportation is a broom.
Everything should be perfect and in some aspects they are. The deal is, you are dealing with children, someone that's views are distorted with anger and also "lost time". I've had to constantly remind myself to be thankful for the time that I have now. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better but I believe that you can have a happy home in your blended family. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone in this "fight". He doesn't understand why I'm emotional about things that are said, done or misunderstood. I refuse to change who I am but is that the right thing to do? Or should I be me and just almost "ignore" their ups and downs until they start to warm up to me again? You don't know what line his or your kids are being fed. You don't know what the other very verbal parent is saying that is tearing you down or if the kids are trying to manipulate you for attention. You can't resent them. They are just kids but yet you live with the chaos they leave in their wake, better yet "her" chaos. Sometimes, you feel as if you have to "pay" for her sins. A simple word or phrase said in complete innocence can trigger something from the past you didn't know was there. No one I talked to had said anything like this to me. I was clueless.
How do you process that without losing your mind, feeling on an island or being perceived as the evil stepmother? I have personally started reading books on marriage, again, and on being a wise stepparent. If our marriage is strong, we will be a united front for when the kids start getting older and everything gets more complicated. I'm looking into getting the kids into some safe, Christian counseling, and making sure I do not taking all this personally. Divorce is SO hard. Can you imagine being a kid in it and not being able to perceive who's looking out for you and who just wants an ego boost? Some parents just want the kids angry at their ex like they are, but don't understand the lifelong damage that can do. You may have satisfaction in their anger but I can assure you, it will be short lived.
Sometimes the "other children" will resent you because you are what their mom is not and they can't be angry at their mom because, well, she's their mom. When they hurt their dad, all you can do is being loving, kind and show them another way with your actions because at this point, your words mean nothing. Never had a child treat you with blatant disrespect? Become a stepparent. Feel Madea creeping out of you? Walk away. If you know me, you know what a challenge this truly is. Children do not comprehend that you can love and be loyal to both parents. However, some parents make their children choose sides. When they are smaller, that control is powerful. However, as they get older they will hate the parent that required the choice and the time they lost with the one that didn't make them choose.
Having an ex, stepchildren and dealing with his ex is a constant source of growth for me, I'm growing in leaps and bounds and it is PAINFUL. Just when I think everything is over, I realize I just started a new chapter with all new characters and all new situations and opportunities to overcome and create a better me. There are so many places that I've never been that he has. There are pictures I'm not in. There are children that will never be. There are laughs I missed out on. I've had to stop and look at what I have and what we share, not what I don't have or share. There's a very good chance, I wouldn't have even liked Robby 10 years ago but I love who has become. I hate there are things I don't share with him but I would rather be with him now than not have him at all. What we went through in our lives made us who we are. The emotions are strong, real and sometimes come to me, back to back. I love the challenge and I will meet it head on. I can see how special his girls are. I can see their potential and what I believe they need. I know he is an amazing man.
I can say, have to remind myself to not feel guilty for being human and not doing it all right all the time. I know he fell in love with me knowing that I am not perfect. Patience with myself is what I have to find now. Some "problems" are over. Many things are better than I could have ever hoped for. Ultimately, his kids aren't my kids to raise. They are my kids to support and give their dad another team member. I am more there for guidance than as another "parent". This has been very hard to grasp for me at first because of the lack of things they need that he can't provide. The struggle can be real but dependence on my own knowledge isn't enough. Grace, patience, understanding, prayer and not being too hard on myself is going to have to be daily goals. Sometimes, new problems, aka challenges are in store right when you least expect it but we've got this!! Breathe and know that being human isn't as bad as it seems. I'm good back up. I am a great friend. I love deeply and want the best for everyone. We are going to be family and we will learn what that means from a blended family's perspective together. Problems are also called opportunities and I am sure we will have lots of opportunities to grow and to help others in our journey.
"Remember why you chose to come together in the first place--the love that you have for your partner. Your partner's children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness." -Beth Huber
"You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come." _Kelly LeFurgey
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