I'M NOT THAT STRONG

 I have been complimented on how strong others perceive me but I am not that strong. I have been told, if I could just have a little bit of your courage but I am not that courageous. I struggle. I feel overwhelmed. I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel lost. I go through the same emotions that anyone else does. I am driven to follow the principles I have decided I would follow a long time ago. For some unknown reason, I am fighter of injustice and always stick up for the "under dog" even if that person is me. Being a people pleaser is a bit of a curse but if I don't stand up for myself, who will?
  I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
  My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
  Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone,  that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
  Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
  I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
  No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.