My Problems Should be OVER!

  As you know, my journey has been quite an interesting one to say the least. A lot of people think once you meet the one you are going to marry will "fix" some things that you haven't had in your other relationship. What you don't expect is the emotions and complications that come with the amazing happiness that you find.

  Once Robby and I met, I didn't expect the resentment, anger, anxiety and insecurity that would follow. Although, it made me more compassionate towards my exes wife. The anxiety of not being exactly what everyone needs all the time, not being the perfect step mom, not meeting everyone's expectations, not listening more and talking less, not being patient, not being...enough. The insecurity of the the feeling I have to compete with his past, my totally hot mom bod getting old, the wonder if me or my children will be a disappointment. The resentment of what "she" took from him and feeling that she took time away from me. The constant fight of my anger and emotions because of her being everywhere. The resentment that it wasn't me that had his first baby. It wasn't me that shared that intimate first time parent moment with your spouse. The anger of feeling like our lives are constantly disrupted by petty, selfish fits of immaturity all the while trying to remain neutral.  No one says, his kids may hate you at some point. No matter what you say, that reassurance has to come from their parents. No one says that you will grieve the kids you don't have together. Just to have all those emotions compounded with guilt because you love the kids you have. No one tells you that you will feel like a failure more times than not at first, especially when you feel like they think your mode of transportation is a broom.

Everything should be perfect and in some aspects they are. The deal is, you are dealing with children, someone that's views are distorted with anger and also "lost time". I've had to constantly remind myself to be thankful for the time that I have now. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better but I believe that you can have a happy home in your blended family. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone in this "fight". He doesn't understand why I'm emotional about things that are said, done or misunderstood. I refuse to change who I am but is that the right thing to do? Or should I be me and just almost "ignore" their ups and downs until they start to warm up to me again? You don't know what line his or your kids are being fed. You don't know what the other very verbal parent is saying that is tearing you down or if the kids are trying to manipulate you for attention. You can't resent them. They are just kids but yet you live with the chaos they leave in their wake, better yet "her" chaos. Sometimes, you feel as if you have to "pay" for her sins. A simple word or phrase said in complete innocence can trigger something from the past you didn't know was there. No one I talked to had said anything like this to me. I was clueless.

  How do you process that without losing your mind, feeling on an island or being perceived as the evil stepmother? I have personally started reading books on marriage, again, and on being a wise stepparent. If our marriage is strong, we will be a united front for when the kids start getting older and everything gets more complicated. I'm looking into getting the kids into some safe, Christian counseling, and making sure I do not taking all this personally. Divorce is SO hard. Can you imagine being a kid in it and not being able to perceive who's looking out for you and who just wants an ego boost? Some parents just want the kids angry at their ex like they are, but don't understand the lifelong damage that can do. You may have satisfaction in their anger but I can assure you, it will be short lived.

  Sometimes the "other children" will resent you because you are what their mom is not and they can't be angry at their mom because, well, she's their mom. When they hurt their dad, all you can do is being loving, kind and show them another way with your actions because at this point, your words mean nothing. Never had a child treat you with blatant disrespect? Become a stepparent. Feel Madea creeping out of you? Walk away. If you know me, you know what a challenge this truly is. Children do not comprehend that you can love and be loyal to both parents. However, some parents make their children choose sides. When they are smaller, that control is powerful. However, as they get older they will hate the parent that required the choice and the time they lost with the one that didn't make them choose.

  Having an ex, stepchildren and dealing with his ex is a constant source of growth for me, I'm growing in leaps and bounds and it is PAINFUL. Just when I think everything is over, I realize I just started a new chapter with all new characters and all new situations and opportunities to overcome and create a better me. There are so many places that I've never been that he has. There are pictures I'm not in. There are children that will never be. There are laughs I missed out on. I've had to stop and look at what I have and what we share, not what I don't have or share. There's a very good chance, I wouldn't have even liked Robby 10 years ago but I love who has become. I hate there are things I don't share with him but I would rather be with him now than not have him at all. What we went through in our lives made us who we are. The emotions are strong, real and sometimes come to me, back to back. I love the challenge and I will meet it head on. I can see how special his girls are. I can see their potential and what I believe they need. I know he is an amazing man.
 
  I can say, have to remind myself to not feel guilty for being human and not doing it all right all the time. I know he fell in love with me knowing that I am not perfect. Patience with myself is what I have to find now. Some "problems" are over. Many things are better than I could have ever hoped for. Ultimately, his kids aren't my kids to raise. They are my kids to support and give their dad another team member. I am more there for guidance than as another "parent". This has been very hard to grasp for me at first because of the lack of things they need that he can't provide. The struggle can be real but dependence on my own knowledge isn't enough. Grace, patience, understanding, prayer and not being too hard on myself is going to have to be daily goals. Sometimes, new problems, aka challenges are in store right when you least expect it but we've got this!! Breathe and know that being human isn't as bad as it seems. I'm good back up. I am a great friend. I love deeply and want the best for everyone. We are going to be family and we will learn what that means from a blended family's perspective together. Problems are also called opportunities and I am sure we will have lots of opportunities to grow and to help others in our journey.

"Remember why you chose to come together in the first place--the love that you have for your partner. Your partner's children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness." -Beth Huber

"You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come." _Kelly LeFurgey