Last year, I met my husbands kids for the first time. They were and are full of energy and from a very different household than my children. There were some areas that I spotted right away that I could help them grow in. In my mind, I was "the child whisperer". I knew his girls didn't like vegetables or anything that resembled something good for you but with "the child whisperer" on your side, they didn't stand a chance. The first time I made supper for everyone, I had meticulously planned out the meal and timed it just right so we were sitting down to eat as Robby came home. How proud he would be of me as his girls devoured their food, including the vegetables. What do you think is the first thing they said even before I brought the food to the table? I don't like that. I don't want to eat... As I stood there with food in hand, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "But I'm the child whisperer!" My mind pleaded. I still put each thing on everyone's plate because we have to eat what is served. If it is something you do not like, you still must put a little on your plate and eat a couple bites. One of his girls decided she was NOT having it and for the next hour we had tears, hollering and finally hitting the table. I sat there with my eyes about to come out of my head as I tried to eat my food and ignore the scene. My children were staring at me and probably wondering if I was going to punish her or something else. If I was talking to anyone else, I would have explicit instructions to give them about enforcing discipline and making sure that the child wasn't rewarded for her behavior and how to prevent future outbursts. Here's the deal, I'm not her mom.
Never met a child that didn't like you or listen to you? Become a stepparent. You will be welcoming a huge dose of reality! As a stepparent, you aren't the parent. Although in your title is the word parent, it means more of a supervisor. You do not have that bond that a parent has with their child. You do not know their history. You weren't there when they were born, took their first step and learned how to talk. You stepped in, without their consent, and started setting rules and guidelines that they've never heard of or had to adhere to. Basically, a stranger to them married their dad and is now "running things" and taking their daddy away from them, in their mind.
You cannot imagine how many people told me that you could not be happy and have stepchildren. How awful! Wait until your kids are grown! Don't do it. You may love him but you may not love his kids. Can you imagine how overwhelming that was to me and how determined I became to make sure that didn't happen to me?
So I'm not "the child whisperer" or Nanny 911. I'm a mom. I have a mothers heart and I know children. What complicates it is I am now the devils advocate for my husbands ex, still dealing with my own kids dad and expected to work miracles without the children's consent. It changes your thinking. It's easy to take everything personally.
What I have learned is: I am not a miracle worker and I need to give myself a break. I am human. It is ok not to feel an immediate motherly bond with his kids. Love needs to be nurtured and to grow. There will be times when we ALL need space. It's ok if I feel overwhelmed. It's ok to not feel guilty I'm enjoying the house with no children in it. It's ok if we have a bad day or a bad weekend, it won't last forever. Also, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, divorced and newly married. I still have scars, emotional days and times when I have to be quiet. There are still emotions that come along with marriage and still some that remain from the past. It's ok to feel it all and sometimes all at the same time. I am not superwoman... I'll allow you time to absorb that because I needed time too.........
Wisdom from a "child whisperer" they are little people that have emotions and struggles just like we do, they just don't understand how to process it and talk through it like we do. Take the time to learn them and see the signs when they are struggling BEFORE the meltdown occurs. Have a time when you spend time with each of them alone. I have lesson times with all the kids but at night, I lay by each one of them and talk to them about the day, plans or tell them a story, if time allows. I have found when I do this as often as I can, our time together goes smoother and they listen quite well. We have even grown to the point that everyone tries what they don't like without a tirade. AMAZING! It's slow and sometimes looks like there won't be an end but then we have a breakthrough and it's better than a trophy.
Also, there are some things i cannot tell them. I am not their mom. One day they may remind me of that. Some things HAVE to come from their dad or mom. Sometimes all I can do is pray it will. I cannot control how different the rules are when they or my children are away so I cannot put that responsibility on myself either. All I can do is work on my own consistency and pray that they will make a choice one day that will honor what I taught them and honor the Lord.
Child whisperer, I am not but mother I am. I can love them, in my own way and receive the love they give me in the way that works for them. They may never know everything a stepparent goes through but they will always know our home is a happy and loving place that they are always welcome.
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