Recently, I had an encounter with a prominent person from my past. We will call her Gertrude to protect the innocent. Gertie was one that I was warned against as a teenager. In my mind, the source wasn't very reliable so I disregarded the warning. Looking back, it should have been taken a little more seriously. She was my teacher and trainer of sorts. She taught me to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and kept a meticulous "ledger" of every mistake that I made. Later, Gertrude shared it with me. She made a statement to me when my marriage had ended that wasn't to comfort but rather to push me into the despair she thought I was on the brink of. "One day, your pictures will be replaced by another women. You will soon be forgotten to us. Someone else will be helping to raise your children because of your decisions."
During that time, God had moved within me in a way I never thought possible. I was granted a great insight to that teacher and many more with the same type of comments. It took the strength that I didn't posses to forgive them all. It still does. When I walked up to Gertrude 3 years later and tried to pretend business as usual, she made it clear to me that she had not changed her opinion of me a bit. At first, I felt sad and then angry. Finally, I felt relief. Relief that if I still grate on her nerves and don't meet with her approval. It showed me that I am doing something right! I don't want to be approved by someone that won't allow anyone to be human. I don't want to be approved by someone that has caused devastation in the wake of their self appointed position as judge, jury and executioner. I want to be loathed by the people that I refuse to be like and loved by the ones that are compassionate, true friends and are regular humans that need Jesus, just like me. I want to be loved by people that can overlook my imperfections and see my heart.
I've had many people ask me questions about my divorce and how I coped with it in different areas. What I'm afraid is getting lost in the message is divorce is wrong. You don't get a divorce because he gets on your nerves or he is mean when he is mad. You don't get a divorce because his sins were more than yours. You don't get a divorce to get rid of problems.You don't get a divorce because you cannot forgive their past. I understand more and more every day why God doesn't like divorce. There are biblical reasons for divorce, I get that. I have been there but even then, you can still forgive, get help and become the couple God wants you to be. I believe our generation is full of weak people that quit instead of working harder. I did it. I gave forgiveness and I did my best to out it out of my mind. There is so much more about my situation that I cannot share with anyone. There is a point, even with the knowledge that you are "justified" in your situation, that you have to protect yourself. You have to do what is in the best interest of you, your family and right in the eyes of God. It took guts to end my marriage. I knew the fallout would be catastrophic and I still feel the effects. I knew I would be alone. I knew that only God knew the entire truth of what went on behind closed doors. Some people that I talk to, I feel so burdened for. Some, I'm amazed that they haven't been struck by lightning. Some have justified an affair. Some are just tired of him or her. Some, just don't want to put in the effort because they are selfish and some, of no fault of their own, now have a scarlet D on their forehead.
Gertrude sat there looking at me through judgmental eyes, with a flaming tongue and a heart of stone and a pious look. I looked at her and, not even for a second, did I feel like I did 3 years ago. However, I wanted to plead with her. I wanted to ask her to release me from the past, to release me from the sins she puts at my feet and to allow her eyes to be opened and see who I really am. I didn't feel like cowering in front of her and begging for her approval. I had grown through her teaching in a much different way than she ever knew. I was relieved that I did not have to deal with her unless it was of my choosing. I live with the knowledge that my children can be touched by that poison but I send them in armed with the love of Christ and a spirit of grace. Prayerfully, through my own learning from Gertie's teachings, my children can be spared.
The ironic thing about the entire encounter was I still loved her. I still felt compassion. It used to aggravate me that I could love people that have done everything in their power to destroy me. Now, I'm thankful for it. God put that there. I believe He wants us to know what it is like to love people that try to destroy you, to love the ones that don't understand the truth. He wants us to know Him and only through that type of love can He truly be known.
No matter who has purposefully tried to hurt you, broadcast your personal life, not allowed you to make mistakes, destroyed your world, has tried to take away your dignity, destroy your marriage, or has managed to make you feel insignificant. You can rise above that and love them in spite of the damage they have tried to do to you. It doesn't seem fair that they get love instead of retribution but it is mercy that sets you apart. My prayer is that we will be a teacher ourselves but instead of teaching to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and how to keep a "ledger" of everyone's mistakes, we can be the kind of teacher that teaches and shows, forgiveness, love, grace and mercy. We can release someone from the bondage we put them in through our own prejudices. We can forgive them and grant them freedom. What kind of teacher will we choose to be?
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Saturday, January 2, 2016
I DESPISE THAT YOU MAKE ME CARE
Today, I would have been married twelve years. I swear it seems longer than that but it would have been my anniversary. I do not advocate for divorce and every day I realize why God stands so strongly against it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying but I am happier today than I ever thought possible. My life, in many ways, is harder than it was 12 years ago. I was so young and innocent and had the world at my feet. Now, I feel like I've climbed a mountain every other morning before 8 and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders on the other days but I'm happy.
I do not want to be forgotten. I was there at the beginning. I went through all the painful growth and messes and I bore the children. I feel like driving over to the church where we were married and planting a flag in the yard! Wouldn't that be a sight? Sometimes I want to tell every sordid detail. I want to share the laughs and the tears but all of that is packed away in a different chapter, in a different book, in a different series that's stored in a different lifetime. I've talked to other women who have gone through divorce and I believe there's a general feeling of unfinished business. I like things a certain way and in a certain place. I'm that way with my relationships. I don't do messy. When you plan a life with someone and even have children with them, you are forever tied to them. Those dreams can no longer be fulfilled but the one that you shared those dreams and children with is still around. It feels wrong. It is wrong. When you parent your child, you feel alone even if you have an ex that coparents. You still feel like you are fighting a battle with a spoon and no protection.
In the midst of this epiphany, I realized for the first time, that I despise the fact that I care. I'm afraid of caring too deeply for the girls, for his family, for the new relationships we are forming. I'm afraid if I care, something will happen and it will all be gone. I'm afraid that I care for others and they don't return that feeling. I'm afraid to get close to anyone that was friends with Robby's ex. I'm afraid that everything I do and say is being weighed. It's debilitating at times. When I hear myself talk around those people, I sound like a stranger to my own ears. I go home and go through every conversation and wonder if they interpreted what I was saying the way it was intended. Did I sound like I was whining or negative? Was I laughing too much? Was I too strict on the girls? Do I teach them enough? What do they see what they watch us? Do they like what their home is becoming since their dad and I have been married?
It's hard to miss them. It's hard to feel like if you don't entertain them, they won't want to come. If you have rules, they will hate you. I miss my own kids on the weekends but missing the girls is harder. I'm not their mom. I really do realize that. It's different with kids that aren't your own. Your kids love you because you are their mom. Other kids, they aren't required to love you or even like you. I'm scared every day that I turned everyone's world upside down and they miss what used to be. I despise that they have made me care. Used to, I could hang around other people's kids and be the entertainer, go home and not have to worry about what they go through during the week, what they do and don't know and what they are hearing about me every day. There's no attachment. It's a different ballgame now.
If I could hold myself aloof from all of them, I would have less worries. If I didn't care... I would miss so much. I would miss the lessons and the play acting. I would miss the mess and the constant fact that my house looks like miniature tornados came through (well, I don't think I would miss the mess), the little arms wrapped around my neck before bed and wet kisses, the letters I write every week, the times they burst through the door. I would miss the children's growth, tears, laughter, concerns, school work, hearing them pray and leading them to the Lord. I would miss so much. If I hold myself at arms length and constantly worry about what everyone is thinking, I will run through myself pleasing people that in the end, won't matter. I'll lose my mind wandering if I'm doing everything right. There's only One person I want to please and only one true guideline I need to follow. If I don't let down my guard and make new friends, whether I get burnt or not, I'll never grow. If every man is your teacher, I have an opportunity to learn.
Sometimes, I do despise that I care. It seems to get me into more trouble. Mostly, I'm thankful where my life is now. If you compare my life to 12 years ago, I'm so thankful who I am and where I am now. I'm a richer person for it. Yes, it can be scary, frustrating and exhausting but it can also be exciting, amazing and rejuvenating. If you have experienced this, don't hold yourself at arms length. Don't spend any time worrying about what anyone else thinks. If we are pleasing the Lord, that's all that matters! He will send the right friends and He will give us what we need for what we are going through! Let's be real, if you've ever met me, you've never forgotten it!
I do not want to be forgotten. I was there at the beginning. I went through all the painful growth and messes and I bore the children. I feel like driving over to the church where we were married and planting a flag in the yard! Wouldn't that be a sight? Sometimes I want to tell every sordid detail. I want to share the laughs and the tears but all of that is packed away in a different chapter, in a different book, in a different series that's stored in a different lifetime. I've talked to other women who have gone through divorce and I believe there's a general feeling of unfinished business. I like things a certain way and in a certain place. I'm that way with my relationships. I don't do messy. When you plan a life with someone and even have children with them, you are forever tied to them. Those dreams can no longer be fulfilled but the one that you shared those dreams and children with is still around. It feels wrong. It is wrong. When you parent your child, you feel alone even if you have an ex that coparents. You still feel like you are fighting a battle with a spoon and no protection.
In the midst of this epiphany, I realized for the first time, that I despise the fact that I care. I'm afraid of caring too deeply for the girls, for his family, for the new relationships we are forming. I'm afraid if I care, something will happen and it will all be gone. I'm afraid that I care for others and they don't return that feeling. I'm afraid to get close to anyone that was friends with Robby's ex. I'm afraid that everything I do and say is being weighed. It's debilitating at times. When I hear myself talk around those people, I sound like a stranger to my own ears. I go home and go through every conversation and wonder if they interpreted what I was saying the way it was intended. Did I sound like I was whining or negative? Was I laughing too much? Was I too strict on the girls? Do I teach them enough? What do they see what they watch us? Do they like what their home is becoming since their dad and I have been married?
It's hard to miss them. It's hard to feel like if you don't entertain them, they won't want to come. If you have rules, they will hate you. I miss my own kids on the weekends but missing the girls is harder. I'm not their mom. I really do realize that. It's different with kids that aren't your own. Your kids love you because you are their mom. Other kids, they aren't required to love you or even like you. I'm scared every day that I turned everyone's world upside down and they miss what used to be. I despise that they have made me care. Used to, I could hang around other people's kids and be the entertainer, go home and not have to worry about what they go through during the week, what they do and don't know and what they are hearing about me every day. There's no attachment. It's a different ballgame now.
If I could hold myself aloof from all of them, I would have less worries. If I didn't care... I would miss so much. I would miss the lessons and the play acting. I would miss the mess and the constant fact that my house looks like miniature tornados came through (well, I don't think I would miss the mess), the little arms wrapped around my neck before bed and wet kisses, the letters I write every week, the times they burst through the door. I would miss the children's growth, tears, laughter, concerns, school work, hearing them pray and leading them to the Lord. I would miss so much. If I hold myself at arms length and constantly worry about what everyone is thinking, I will run through myself pleasing people that in the end, won't matter. I'll lose my mind wandering if I'm doing everything right. There's only One person I want to please and only one true guideline I need to follow. If I don't let down my guard and make new friends, whether I get burnt or not, I'll never grow. If every man is your teacher, I have an opportunity to learn.
Sometimes, I do despise that I care. It seems to get me into more trouble. Mostly, I'm thankful where my life is now. If you compare my life to 12 years ago, I'm so thankful who I am and where I am now. I'm a richer person for it. Yes, it can be scary, frustrating and exhausting but it can also be exciting, amazing and rejuvenating. If you have experienced this, don't hold yourself at arms length. Don't spend any time worrying about what anyone else thinks. If we are pleasing the Lord, that's all that matters! He will send the right friends and He will give us what we need for what we are going through! Let's be real, if you've ever met me, you've never forgotten it!
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