Today, I would have been married twelve years. I swear it seems longer than that but it would have been my anniversary. I do not advocate for divorce and every day I realize why God stands so strongly against it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying but I am happier today than I ever thought possible. My life, in many ways, is harder than it was 12 years ago. I was so young and innocent and had the world at my feet. Now, I feel like I've climbed a mountain every other morning before 8 and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders on the other days but I'm happy.
I do not want to be forgotten. I was there at the beginning. I went through all the painful growth and messes and I bore the children. I feel like driving over to the church where we were married and planting a flag in the yard! Wouldn't that be a sight? Sometimes I want to tell every sordid detail. I want to share the laughs and the tears but all of that is packed away in a different chapter, in a different book, in a different series that's stored in a different lifetime. I've talked to other women who have gone through divorce and I believe there's a general feeling of unfinished business. I like things a certain way and in a certain place. I'm that way with my relationships. I don't do messy. When you plan a life with someone and even have children with them, you are forever tied to them. Those dreams can no longer be fulfilled but the one that you shared those dreams and children with is still around. It feels wrong. It is wrong. When you parent your child, you feel alone even if you have an ex that coparents. You still feel like you are fighting a battle with a spoon and no protection.
In the midst of this epiphany, I realized for the first time, that I despise the fact that I care. I'm afraid of caring too deeply for the girls, for his family, for the new relationships we are forming. I'm afraid if I care, something will happen and it will all be gone. I'm afraid that I care for others and they don't return that feeling. I'm afraid to get close to anyone that was friends with Robby's ex. I'm afraid that everything I do and say is being weighed. It's debilitating at times. When I hear myself talk around those people, I sound like a stranger to my own ears. I go home and go through every conversation and wonder if they interpreted what I was saying the way it was intended. Did I sound like I was whining or negative? Was I laughing too much? Was I too strict on the girls? Do I teach them enough? What do they see what they watch us? Do they like what their home is becoming since their dad and I have been married?
It's hard to miss them. It's hard to feel like if you don't entertain them, they won't want to come. If you have rules, they will hate you. I miss my own kids on the weekends but missing the girls is harder. I'm not their mom. I really do realize that. It's different with kids that aren't your own. Your kids love you because you are their mom. Other kids, they aren't required to love you or even like you. I'm scared every day that I turned everyone's world upside down and they miss what used to be. I despise that they have made me care. Used to, I could hang around other people's kids and be the entertainer, go home and not have to worry about what they go through during the week, what they do and don't know and what they are hearing about me every day. There's no attachment. It's a different ballgame now.
If I could hold myself aloof from all of them, I would have less worries. If I didn't care... I would miss so much. I would miss the lessons and the play acting. I would miss the mess and the constant fact that my house looks like miniature tornados came through (well, I don't think I would miss the mess), the little arms wrapped around my neck before bed and wet kisses, the letters I write every week, the times they burst through the door. I would miss the children's growth, tears, laughter, concerns, school work, hearing them pray and leading them to the Lord. I would miss so much. If I hold myself at arms length and constantly worry about what everyone is thinking, I will run through myself pleasing people that in the end, won't matter. I'll lose my mind wandering if I'm doing everything right. There's only One person I want to please and only one true guideline I need to follow. If I don't let down my guard and make new friends, whether I get burnt or not, I'll never grow. If every man is your teacher, I have an opportunity to learn.
Sometimes, I do despise that I care. It seems to get me into more trouble. Mostly, I'm thankful where my life is now. If you compare my life to 12 years ago, I'm so thankful who I am and where I am now. I'm a richer person for it. Yes, it can be scary, frustrating and exhausting but it can also be exciting, amazing and rejuvenating. If you have experienced this, don't hold yourself at arms length. Don't spend any time worrying about what anyone else thinks. If we are pleasing the Lord, that's all that matters! He will send the right friends and He will give us what we need for what we are going through! Let's be real, if you've ever met me, you've never forgotten it!
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