Recently, I had an encounter with a prominent person from my past. We will call her Gertrude to protect the innocent. Gertie was one that I was warned against as a teenager. In my mind, the source wasn't very reliable so I disregarded the warning. Looking back, it should have been taken a little more seriously. She was my teacher and trainer of sorts. She taught me to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and kept a meticulous "ledger" of every mistake that I made. Later, Gertrude shared it with me. She made a statement to me when my marriage had ended that wasn't to comfort but rather to push me into the despair she thought I was on the brink of. "One day, your pictures will be replaced by another women. You will soon be forgotten to us. Someone else will be helping to raise your children because of your decisions."
During that time, God had moved within me in a way I never thought possible. I was granted a great insight to that teacher and many more with the same type of comments. It took the strength that I didn't posses to forgive them all. It still does. When I walked up to Gertrude 3 years later and tried to pretend business as usual, she made it clear to me that she had not changed her opinion of me a bit. At first, I felt sad and then angry. Finally, I felt relief. Relief that if I still grate on her nerves and don't meet with her approval. It showed me that I am doing something right! I don't want to be approved by someone that won't allow anyone to be human. I don't want to be approved by someone that has caused devastation in the wake of their self appointed position as judge, jury and executioner. I want to be loathed by the people that I refuse to be like and loved by the ones that are compassionate, true friends and are regular humans that need Jesus, just like me. I want to be loved by people that can overlook my imperfections and see my heart.
I've had many people ask me questions about my divorce and how I coped with it in different areas. What I'm afraid is getting lost in the message is divorce is wrong. You don't get a divorce because he gets on your nerves or he is mean when he is mad. You don't get a divorce because his sins were more than yours. You don't get a divorce to get rid of problems.You don't get a divorce because you cannot forgive their past. I understand more and more every day why God doesn't like divorce. There are biblical reasons for divorce, I get that. I have been there but even then, you can still forgive, get help and become the couple God wants you to be. I believe our generation is full of weak people that quit instead of working harder. I did it. I gave forgiveness and I did my best to out it out of my mind. There is so much more about my situation that I cannot share with anyone. There is a point, even with the knowledge that you are "justified" in your situation, that you have to protect yourself. You have to do what is in the best interest of you, your family and right in the eyes of God. It took guts to end my marriage. I knew the fallout would be catastrophic and I still feel the effects. I knew I would be alone. I knew that only God knew the entire truth of what went on behind closed doors. Some people that I talk to, I feel so burdened for. Some, I'm amazed that they haven't been struck by lightning. Some have justified an affair. Some are just tired of him or her. Some, just don't want to put in the effort because they are selfish and some, of no fault of their own, now have a scarlet D on their forehead.
Gertrude sat there looking at me through judgmental eyes, with a flaming tongue and a heart of stone and a pious look. I looked at her and, not even for a second, did I feel like I did 3 years ago. However, I wanted to plead with her. I wanted to ask her to release me from the past, to release me from the sins she puts at my feet and to allow her eyes to be opened and see who I really am. I didn't feel like cowering in front of her and begging for her approval. I had grown through her teaching in a much different way than she ever knew. I was relieved that I did not have to deal with her unless it was of my choosing. I live with the knowledge that my children can be touched by that poison but I send them in armed with the love of Christ and a spirit of grace. Prayerfully, through my own learning from Gertie's teachings, my children can be spared.
The ironic thing about the entire encounter was I still loved her. I still felt compassion. It used to aggravate me that I could love people that have done everything in their power to destroy me. Now, I'm thankful for it. God put that there. I believe He wants us to know what it is like to love people that try to destroy you, to love the ones that don't understand the truth. He wants us to know Him and only through that type of love can He truly be known.
No matter who has purposefully tried to hurt you, broadcast your personal life, not allowed you to make mistakes, destroyed your world, has tried to take away your dignity, destroy your marriage, or has managed to make you feel insignificant. You can rise above that and love them in spite of the damage they have tried to do to you. It doesn't seem fair that they get love instead of retribution but it is mercy that sets you apart. My prayer is that we will be a teacher ourselves but instead of teaching to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and how to keep a "ledger" of everyone's mistakes, we can be the kind of teacher that teaches and shows, forgiveness, love, grace and mercy. We can release someone from the bondage we put them in through our own prejudices. We can forgive them and grant them freedom. What kind of teacher will we choose to be?
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