One of my greatest fears in my life is to fail to make God real to my kids. I pray that they aren't blinded by my humanity and fail to see the Light in me. I pray that experiencing parents that were divorced when they were at such a young and impressionable age, will not provide a life-long excuse for every inadequacy and failure. I want them to be more compassionate, loving and discerning than they would have been if their dad and I were to stay together.
A few nights ago, my son had decided he would protest his current circumstances to someone that loves that kind of ammunition for a "rainy day." I was hurt. I was angry and I was very disappointed. When I found out, I gave it about 30 minutes and walked back into his room to confront him about what I had discovered. You know, it is very hard to talk to someone logically when they hurt you. It is even harder when that person is totally clueless about the amount of damage they could cause because they were naive. For the next 15 minutes I lectured, scolded and tried to make him understand that you do not "throw a fit" (verbally) because you aren't getting your way. I ask him if he knew that he gave that person ammunition and he said he did. WOW! Talk about removing the knife from your heart... That was rough. Afterwards, I sat on the couch trying to focus on what was I was watching, very unsuccessfully. I felt AWFUL!! He needed what I gave him but every time I get on to the children, I worry nonstop if I said the right things, went too far or if I scarred them for life. I made it plain that he had to take what was given without a comment or tear but an hour later, I walked by his room and heard what I was dreading to hear. He was crying. Do you know how awful it feels to see tears on this little mans face that is almost as tall as I am? I guessed he was upset about our one-sided conversation. Instead, he was upset about a whole different thing that I would have never guessed.
I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just wished his dad and I were together still. "I hate divorce. I just want everything to be perfect and it isn't." (Tell me your heart didn't break a little bit because mine did.) You know that moment when your life flashes before your eyes in a split second? I had that. I envisioned his dad and I together. I remembered when we laughed together. I remembered when the kids were born. I remembered the end of our marriage and the times in between. It wasn't perfect and I told him so. Both of my children tell me that their dad was happier when we were together. It feels like my heart is a brick when they say that. "I promise you that I did everything I could to prevent our divorce." Those promises felt empty when his face showed the pain his heart was feeling. "The divorce happened and this is our life. Daddy is re-married and so am I. No amount of wishing changes that. Did you know that I struggled when my parents divorced? My reasons were a little different than yours but I did struggle. You were just born and I felt like a 12 year old child in the turmoil that I had in my mind and heart." His little brow furrowed for a second and he listen as if something I said would make all of this okay again. "You cannot resent Robby because he isn't your daddy and you cannot resent Heidi because she isn't me. That isn't fair. This is our life and life is NEVER perfect. It is almost always messy. If you wait to be happy until life is perfect, you will never find happiness. Happiness comes from within and it comes from God."
"Do you remember when we watched the Panthers play, the coaches have on headphones with a microphone? They were talking to other coaches in the coaches box way above the field, the teams playing and the people cheering them on. They are way up there because they can see everything. They have a view of the teams, the plays and even what they should do to help anticipate what the opposing team is going to do. That is what God does for us. He is in our coaches box. He can see EVERYTHING. He knew the decisions we would make to wind up here. He knew your heartbreak before you shed the first tear. You have to trust that God wants you to win and that He knows the best plays to get you there. He is calling those plays down to me, your teachers and to the Pastor. Right now, we are the ones that tells you the plays He tells us to call. Eventually, you will be the one wearing the headphones and it will be your choice whether or not to listen to the Coach in the box. Personally, I believe going through this divorce and learning to cope with the consequences of it is going to make you a kinder and more compassionate man. I believe it will help you make a better decision when it comes to picking a spouse. I know it is rough and you may always struggle in some ways but don't give up on your coaches. Listen and trust us. One day, you will understand why we made the calls we made."
It was a reminder that I may be happy in my marriage and be healing but they will struggle with the divorce long after my scars have healed. Their little hearts will always be tender towards what they went through. It was a reminder to be more aware of the struggles they currently are having. It was a challenge to keep communicating to the ones that impact their life as well. My heart breaks when they hurt but it was a reminder that God was in my coaches box and calling the plays that I needed in order to be victorious. Listen, trust and run the plays with the knowledge our "Coach" wants us to win even more than we do!
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