Have you ever been so happy you feel as if it will bubble out of you? It makes you feel as if a piece of the sun has made it's home in your breast.You feel as if everywhere you go, flowers bloom inside your very footsteps and the birds are singing the song that is playing in your heart. No matter what anyone says to you, you still have a bit of a smile permanently on your face.
A few short years ago, I remember having the very opposite feelings. I felt so heavy all the time. It took effort to breathe. When people spoke to me, I felt as if I was in a haze. I constantly had this feeling I was in a play that I wasn't allowed to have an intermission during. I rarely laughed and if I ever did, it sounded odd and hollow to my own ears. I had a permanent worried look on my face. My children even told me they missed their mom. We loved each other but we carried the weight of the world on our shoulders. We didn't have that carefree spirit and laughter that we do now.
Fast forward to the present. I am happy and even satisfied. I feel as if I finally have a "normal" life (of sorts). Those of you that truly know me, know I can never be normal but to my standards, I am. I have that relationship that you love each other dearly but sometimes hear the "ding" of the bell when the next round begins. I have a beautiful husband (he LOVES when I say that) that has an incredible work ethic and loves deeply. He makes my heart skip a beat when I see him. I despise the mud that finds it's way in my house from his work boots but I love it too. I love that I see his ginormous boot prints outside where he has been working. The piles he leaves when we are working on his estimates for work, frustrates me to no end but I cannot express how thankful I am for them too. He loves his work. He takes pride in it and he thrives the busier he is. Not only that, but I have always wanted a big family and now I have one. I wanted 4 boys and for some reason the genders got mixed up in that prayer request. I have 4 girls and 1 boy. Please pity him, he loves the sympathy! We have a chaotic home. Most of our weekends we have 3 little hurricanes blow in and back out again. We are rarely home, it seems like. Our home is clean but it's not as tidy as it is in my head. I didn't feel nearly as challenged when I was teaching 2 kids to keep their rooms clean and helping me with the house, than I do with 5. Now that I have added 3 more kids, I am running in circles!
Our house isn't perfect but it is more than just a house to us. The molding needs to be caulked and repainted. We still haven't redone the bathrooms and we need to replace all the windows. Do you know that there's improvements done to this house that you may never know about by looking at it? In each room lies someone that their hearts have been broken but mended. In each room lies a person, whether big or small, that has found an oasis. They have found a place that they can come and not be judged. They can be themselves and be comfortable in their own skin. They are encouraged to be confident but to also be thankful for the talents that they have. In each room, there is someone that is learning to dream and starting to believe it can be a reality. These couches, that have seen better days, are where we sit to watch movies together, have lessons or where the judges sit in rapture while we judge each person entered in the bi-monthly"dance off". This house is more than the place that we sleep, it is the place that we come when we want to hide from the world, to play or just to be.
A few days ago, I planned a Valentine's day party for our little family. I decorated with raffia (which the kids thought was toilet paper), red and pink hearts, candles everywhere, place cards with special messages in them, red glasses with sparkling grape juice, a chocolate heart from Robby and a special meal that everyone loved. Once we all sat down and took a selfie with my handy dandy selfie stick, I went around the table and told each person something I loved about them. (I'm generally not a crier unless it has to do with my kids and I turn sappy.) Some of us were fighting tears and I was losing my battle. I asked the children if they wanted to say something. They took turns sharing some things they loved about each other or us as a family. One of the children said, "I love our home. It's such a happy place. I love this family because we stand together."
Have your children ever told you your home is a happy place? I remember my home life from the time I was very young. Our home was fun but I do not remember feeling like our home was happy. I don't mean that to be a slight on my parents at all. That's just not an emotion I remember feeling. I just wonder how many children that have their parents still together, live in a Christian home, and go to church have said that statement. Honestly, it made me stop. I kept looking at them all and wondering, "Do you all feel that way?" I think back to when I am disciplining or admonishing the children for various things all kids do and worrying through the night that they will be scarred for life. I wonder how they can still say that when they have to go through "the switch" every weekend. I've never lavished my kids with gifts and trips to assuage my guilt because of the divorce or because I worked a full time job and sometimes 2 when I was single. I look at others that have done that and wonder if their children feel happy. Would mine be happier if I did? I have never associated happiness with things and I believe that is probably the general consensus.
There has never been something I have prayed for more (that isn't spiritually related) than for our kids to say their home is a happy place. Those little handmade decorations didn't seem so silly anymore. They could have been made of gold and I wouldn't have valued them more than I did than what the children said as we sat at the table with the glow of candles all around us sharing their hearts. Our home, is such a happy place.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
BY HIS FEET
Every week I write a letter to one of Robby's girls. This week, I decided to share one of the letters I wrote to all three of them. The truth of it deserves to be shared.
Dear girls,
This week I wanted to write a letter to all of you. I hope Kayden will read this to you before bed, when the house is quiet and you can concentrate on my story.
When we were at Em’s party I noticed something. Do you remember where McKenna laid the gifts everyone brought? Take a minute and think about it… She laid them at Nate’s feet. Even if Em would have been feeling better, those gift would have been laid at her feet. Doesn't that sound like silly that I noticed that. Do you know why I noticed it? I believe God made sure I was paying attention because the entire weekend I thought about gifts.
Do you know that all 3 of you are a gift? Did you know God gave you to your parents as a gift? Some people cannot have children at all, other than through adoption, but He gave her and your dad THREE gifts!
Think about when you really want to buy a gift for someone.You save your money, think long and hard on what you want to give someone else because you love them so much and want to see them happy. You give your time and sometimes you give your money (Both of those are VERY valuable, like treasure) and then, what you do with that gift? You lay them at the feet of the one you got the gift for. One day, when we are in Heaven, God will give us crowns for what we do and how we serve Him on earth. Do you know what the Bible says we will do with those crowns? I bet you can guess. (You will have to tell me who guessed correctly) I imagine, we will get those crowns, hold them, admire them and maybe even try them on just to see if they really fit and then…. We will lay them at Jesus feet! Just like those gifts that were worked so hard for. Doesn't that sound silly? Why would someone spend their whole life serving God just to get a reward and not take it? You may not understand now, but serving the Lord IS the reward!
God gave our children to us and those children were God’s treasures! You were God's gifts that He gave us, remember? Do you know what we did in return? Guess!! I bet you can't guess it… We gave our children (you) BACK to God! WE LAID YOU AT HIS FEET! Can you imagine getting a gift and knowing the person loved that gift SO much that you gave it back to them instead of keeping it? Wouldn't that have seemed funny if Nate would have given all those presents back? You would have NEVER forgotten that party, ever!
What I mean is, God loves you more than anyone else does, even more than we do! Kayden, grab your Bible and look up John 3:16. Now, read it to the girls. Jesus loved us so much that He DIED for us! Now THAT is love! We knew how much God loves each and every one of you so we decided that we would raise you to love and serve the Lord and in doing that, we laid our 5 gifts (Jayden, Kayden, Chloe, McKenna and Skylar) down at Jesus feet. We gave up what we wanted and decided to raise you the way God wants, even when it is hard. THAT’S how much you are loved… Our most valuable things in this world isn't our house, cars, money or popularity, it is YOU!
When God gave you to us, He gave us our own little pieces of sunshine, laughter and chaos! He gave us a piece of His heart tucked away inside of YOU! That's how special you are! Kayden, now look up, Psalms 139:14 and read that as well. Did you catch that? God said we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Have you ever seen something so beautiful you didn't know how to describe it or maybe you gasped when you saw it? That is what we are to God. We are one of His most valuable things in His creation. Isn't that amazing? We are God’s crown with priceless jewels all over it.
Sometimes, we may have to be tough. We may have to discipline or get tough with you but it is ONLY because we are trying to raise our “gifts” the way God would have us raise them. Why is it SO important for us to teach you to have a positive (good) attitude and look at the good people do and not their mistakes? Why is it SO important for us to be kind to other people? What does it matter if we go to church? All of those things are SO important because those are the things that God wants us to teach you. We cannot always be with you but God is. When you are scared, lonely, confused, angry, happy, excited, God is there. Always! Our reward isn't getting a crown in heaven for helping to raise 5, wild children. Our reward is in raising you. Our reward is hearing you pray at the table before our meals and before bedtime. It is hearing what each of you said about what you love about each other at our family Valentine’s Day party. It is seeing you learning. It is seeing you be kind and sharing that kindness with others. Our reward is YOU!!!
We hope you will share your kindness, your heart and Jesus with those around you. I hope you give Him thanks before you eat and before you lay your head on your pillow every night when you are not with us. We love you so much!
This weekend we will be celebrating the one, the only Kaaaaaaayden’s TENTH birthday party!! Bring your dancing shoes and your best moves and meet me at the skating rink!
We love you sweet girls! XOXO
I hope you can see the picture that I am trying to paint. We need to hear that we are God's greatest treasures but can you imagine how much more our children need to know it? If you have a situation that your kids have 2 homes and you may not know what they experience during that time, allow me to tell you something that someone reminded me of lately. Strengthen their relationship with God because He is with them when you are not. He will ALWAYS be with them.
In the past several weeks, I have realized that I am trying so hard to make up for what the girls do not know, that I have forgotten my kids need this as well. I have purposed in my heart to reach out to my own children spiritually more than I have been. I used to really struggle with the fact I was always the "good kid" because I was left alone by the adults because they knew I did what I was supposed to. I craved knowledge spiritually and academically but most people took it for granted that I already knew the things they were teaching. PLEASE don't assume your kids know how amazing they are, not just to you but to God. I am looking forward to seeing my kids put their most valued possessions at Jesus' feet. When that happens, I believe that I will have insurmountable satisfaction because at that moment, I will see my gifts that He gave me at His feet.
Dear girls,
This week I wanted to write a letter to all of you. I hope Kayden will read this to you before bed, when the house is quiet and you can concentrate on my story.
When we were at Em’s party I noticed something. Do you remember where McKenna laid the gifts everyone brought? Take a minute and think about it… She laid them at Nate’s feet. Even if Em would have been feeling better, those gift would have been laid at her feet. Doesn't that sound like silly that I noticed that. Do you know why I noticed it? I believe God made sure I was paying attention because the entire weekend I thought about gifts.
Do you know that all 3 of you are a gift? Did you know God gave you to your parents as a gift? Some people cannot have children at all, other than through adoption, but He gave her and your dad THREE gifts!
Think about when you really want to buy a gift for someone.You save your money, think long and hard on what you want to give someone else because you love them so much and want to see them happy. You give your time and sometimes you give your money (Both of those are VERY valuable, like treasure) and then, what you do with that gift? You lay them at the feet of the one you got the gift for. One day, when we are in Heaven, God will give us crowns for what we do and how we serve Him on earth. Do you know what the Bible says we will do with those crowns? I bet you can guess. (You will have to tell me who guessed correctly) I imagine, we will get those crowns, hold them, admire them and maybe even try them on just to see if they really fit and then…. We will lay them at Jesus feet! Just like those gifts that were worked so hard for. Doesn't that sound silly? Why would someone spend their whole life serving God just to get a reward and not take it? You may not understand now, but serving the Lord IS the reward!
God gave our children to us and those children were God’s treasures! You were God's gifts that He gave us, remember? Do you know what we did in return? Guess!! I bet you can't guess it… We gave our children (you) BACK to God! WE LAID YOU AT HIS FEET! Can you imagine getting a gift and knowing the person loved that gift SO much that you gave it back to them instead of keeping it? Wouldn't that have seemed funny if Nate would have given all those presents back? You would have NEVER forgotten that party, ever!
What I mean is, God loves you more than anyone else does, even more than we do! Kayden, grab your Bible and look up John 3:16. Now, read it to the girls. Jesus loved us so much that He DIED for us! Now THAT is love! We knew how much God loves each and every one of you so we decided that we would raise you to love and serve the Lord and in doing that, we laid our 5 gifts (Jayden, Kayden, Chloe, McKenna and Skylar) down at Jesus feet. We gave up what we wanted and decided to raise you the way God wants, even when it is hard. THAT’S how much you are loved… Our most valuable things in this world isn't our house, cars, money or popularity, it is YOU!
When God gave you to us, He gave us our own little pieces of sunshine, laughter and chaos! He gave us a piece of His heart tucked away inside of YOU! That's how special you are! Kayden, now look up, Psalms 139:14 and read that as well. Did you catch that? God said we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Have you ever seen something so beautiful you didn't know how to describe it or maybe you gasped when you saw it? That is what we are to God. We are one of His most valuable things in His creation. Isn't that amazing? We are God’s crown with priceless jewels all over it.
Sometimes, we may have to be tough. We may have to discipline or get tough with you but it is ONLY because we are trying to raise our “gifts” the way God would have us raise them. Why is it SO important for us to teach you to have a positive (good) attitude and look at the good people do and not their mistakes? Why is it SO important for us to be kind to other people? What does it matter if we go to church? All of those things are SO important because those are the things that God wants us to teach you. We cannot always be with you but God is. When you are scared, lonely, confused, angry, happy, excited, God is there. Always! Our reward isn't getting a crown in heaven for helping to raise 5, wild children. Our reward is in raising you. Our reward is hearing you pray at the table before our meals and before bedtime. It is hearing what each of you said about what you love about each other at our family Valentine’s Day party. It is seeing you learning. It is seeing you be kind and sharing that kindness with others. Our reward is YOU!!!
We hope you will share your kindness, your heart and Jesus with those around you. I hope you give Him thanks before you eat and before you lay your head on your pillow every night when you are not with us. We love you so much!
This weekend we will be celebrating the one, the only Kaaaaaaayden’s TENTH birthday party!! Bring your dancing shoes and your best moves and meet me at the skating rink!
We love you sweet girls! XOXO
I hope you can see the picture that I am trying to paint. We need to hear that we are God's greatest treasures but can you imagine how much more our children need to know it? If you have a situation that your kids have 2 homes and you may not know what they experience during that time, allow me to tell you something that someone reminded me of lately. Strengthen their relationship with God because He is with them when you are not. He will ALWAYS be with them.
In the past several weeks, I have realized that I am trying so hard to make up for what the girls do not know, that I have forgotten my kids need this as well. I have purposed in my heart to reach out to my own children spiritually more than I have been. I used to really struggle with the fact I was always the "good kid" because I was left alone by the adults because they knew I did what I was supposed to. I craved knowledge spiritually and academically but most people took it for granted that I already knew the things they were teaching. PLEASE don't assume your kids know how amazing they are, not just to you but to God. I am looking forward to seeing my kids put their most valued possessions at Jesus' feet. When that happens, I believe that I will have insurmountable satisfaction because at that moment, I will see my gifts that He gave me at His feet.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
THE COACHES BOX
One of my greatest fears in my life is to fail to make God real to my kids. I pray that they aren't blinded by my humanity and fail to see the Light in me. I pray that experiencing parents that were divorced when they were at such a young and impressionable age, will not provide a life-long excuse for every inadequacy and failure. I want them to be more compassionate, loving and discerning than they would have been if their dad and I were to stay together.
A few nights ago, my son had decided he would protest his current circumstances to someone that loves that kind of ammunition for a "rainy day." I was hurt. I was angry and I was very disappointed. When I found out, I gave it about 30 minutes and walked back into his room to confront him about what I had discovered. You know, it is very hard to talk to someone logically when they hurt you. It is even harder when that person is totally clueless about the amount of damage they could cause because they were naive. For the next 15 minutes I lectured, scolded and tried to make him understand that you do not "throw a fit" (verbally) because you aren't getting your way. I ask him if he knew that he gave that person ammunition and he said he did. WOW! Talk about removing the knife from your heart... That was rough. Afterwards, I sat on the couch trying to focus on what was I was watching, very unsuccessfully. I felt AWFUL!! He needed what I gave him but every time I get on to the children, I worry nonstop if I said the right things, went too far or if I scarred them for life. I made it plain that he had to take what was given without a comment or tear but an hour later, I walked by his room and heard what I was dreading to hear. He was crying. Do you know how awful it feels to see tears on this little mans face that is almost as tall as I am? I guessed he was upset about our one-sided conversation. Instead, he was upset about a whole different thing that I would have never guessed.
I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just wished his dad and I were together still. "I hate divorce. I just want everything to be perfect and it isn't." (Tell me your heart didn't break a little bit because mine did.) You know that moment when your life flashes before your eyes in a split second? I had that. I envisioned his dad and I together. I remembered when we laughed together. I remembered when the kids were born. I remembered the end of our marriage and the times in between. It wasn't perfect and I told him so. Both of my children tell me that their dad was happier when we were together. It feels like my heart is a brick when they say that. "I promise you that I did everything I could to prevent our divorce." Those promises felt empty when his face showed the pain his heart was feeling. "The divorce happened and this is our life. Daddy is re-married and so am I. No amount of wishing changes that. Did you know that I struggled when my parents divorced? My reasons were a little different than yours but I did struggle. You were just born and I felt like a 12 year old child in the turmoil that I had in my mind and heart." His little brow furrowed for a second and he listen as if something I said would make all of this okay again. "You cannot resent Robby because he isn't your daddy and you cannot resent Heidi because she isn't me. That isn't fair. This is our life and life is NEVER perfect. It is almost always messy. If you wait to be happy until life is perfect, you will never find happiness. Happiness comes from within and it comes from God."
"Do you remember when we watched the Panthers play, the coaches have on headphones with a microphone? They were talking to other coaches in the coaches box way above the field, the teams playing and the people cheering them on. They are way up there because they can see everything. They have a view of the teams, the plays and even what they should do to help anticipate what the opposing team is going to do. That is what God does for us. He is in our coaches box. He can see EVERYTHING. He knew the decisions we would make to wind up here. He knew your heartbreak before you shed the first tear. You have to trust that God wants you to win and that He knows the best plays to get you there. He is calling those plays down to me, your teachers and to the Pastor. Right now, we are the ones that tells you the plays He tells us to call. Eventually, you will be the one wearing the headphones and it will be your choice whether or not to listen to the Coach in the box. Personally, I believe going through this divorce and learning to cope with the consequences of it is going to make you a kinder and more compassionate man. I believe it will help you make a better decision when it comes to picking a spouse. I know it is rough and you may always struggle in some ways but don't give up on your coaches. Listen and trust us. One day, you will understand why we made the calls we made."
It was a reminder that I may be happy in my marriage and be healing but they will struggle with the divorce long after my scars have healed. Their little hearts will always be tender towards what they went through. It was a reminder to be more aware of the struggles they currently are having. It was a challenge to keep communicating to the ones that impact their life as well. My heart breaks when they hurt but it was a reminder that God was in my coaches box and calling the plays that I needed in order to be victorious. Listen, trust and run the plays with the knowledge our "Coach" wants us to win even more than we do!
A few nights ago, my son had decided he would protest his current circumstances to someone that loves that kind of ammunition for a "rainy day." I was hurt. I was angry and I was very disappointed. When I found out, I gave it about 30 minutes and walked back into his room to confront him about what I had discovered. You know, it is very hard to talk to someone logically when they hurt you. It is even harder when that person is totally clueless about the amount of damage they could cause because they were naive. For the next 15 minutes I lectured, scolded and tried to make him understand that you do not "throw a fit" (verbally) because you aren't getting your way. I ask him if he knew that he gave that person ammunition and he said he did. WOW! Talk about removing the knife from your heart... That was rough. Afterwards, I sat on the couch trying to focus on what was I was watching, very unsuccessfully. I felt AWFUL!! He needed what I gave him but every time I get on to the children, I worry nonstop if I said the right things, went too far or if I scarred them for life. I made it plain that he had to take what was given without a comment or tear but an hour later, I walked by his room and heard what I was dreading to hear. He was crying. Do you know how awful it feels to see tears on this little mans face that is almost as tall as I am? I guessed he was upset about our one-sided conversation. Instead, he was upset about a whole different thing that I would have never guessed.
I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just wished his dad and I were together still. "I hate divorce. I just want everything to be perfect and it isn't." (Tell me your heart didn't break a little bit because mine did.) You know that moment when your life flashes before your eyes in a split second? I had that. I envisioned his dad and I together. I remembered when we laughed together. I remembered when the kids were born. I remembered the end of our marriage and the times in between. It wasn't perfect and I told him so. Both of my children tell me that their dad was happier when we were together. It feels like my heart is a brick when they say that. "I promise you that I did everything I could to prevent our divorce." Those promises felt empty when his face showed the pain his heart was feeling. "The divorce happened and this is our life. Daddy is re-married and so am I. No amount of wishing changes that. Did you know that I struggled when my parents divorced? My reasons were a little different than yours but I did struggle. You were just born and I felt like a 12 year old child in the turmoil that I had in my mind and heart." His little brow furrowed for a second and he listen as if something I said would make all of this okay again. "You cannot resent Robby because he isn't your daddy and you cannot resent Heidi because she isn't me. That isn't fair. This is our life and life is NEVER perfect. It is almost always messy. If you wait to be happy until life is perfect, you will never find happiness. Happiness comes from within and it comes from God."
"Do you remember when we watched the Panthers play, the coaches have on headphones with a microphone? They were talking to other coaches in the coaches box way above the field, the teams playing and the people cheering them on. They are way up there because they can see everything. They have a view of the teams, the plays and even what they should do to help anticipate what the opposing team is going to do. That is what God does for us. He is in our coaches box. He can see EVERYTHING. He knew the decisions we would make to wind up here. He knew your heartbreak before you shed the first tear. You have to trust that God wants you to win and that He knows the best plays to get you there. He is calling those plays down to me, your teachers and to the Pastor. Right now, we are the ones that tells you the plays He tells us to call. Eventually, you will be the one wearing the headphones and it will be your choice whether or not to listen to the Coach in the box. Personally, I believe going through this divorce and learning to cope with the consequences of it is going to make you a kinder and more compassionate man. I believe it will help you make a better decision when it comes to picking a spouse. I know it is rough and you may always struggle in some ways but don't give up on your coaches. Listen and trust us. One day, you will understand why we made the calls we made."
It was a reminder that I may be happy in my marriage and be healing but they will struggle with the divorce long after my scars have healed. Their little hearts will always be tender towards what they went through. It was a reminder to be more aware of the struggles they currently are having. It was a challenge to keep communicating to the ones that impact their life as well. My heart breaks when they hurt but it was a reminder that God was in my coaches box and calling the plays that I needed in order to be victorious. Listen, trust and run the plays with the knowledge our "Coach" wants us to win even more than we do!
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