When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that she knew something was wrong when I got quiet. I know it is hard to imagine that I was such a motor mouth. That still describes me today. I have not written in this blog for over two months. I have been in the fight of my life. I have been hit from every angle, home, church, play, kids, family, ex's, coaching, and in my marriage. The Devil has been allowed to rain his terror on my life.
Here are some things I have discovered. He would not be fighting if he had victory over my life. He would not be fighting if there wasn't Someone to fight against. He would not be fighting if God hadn't allowed it. For a short time, I allowed the Devil to tell me that I had no purpose except to ruin everyone's life that I touched. For a short time, I allowed him to convince me that I had no place in this world. Did you catch that? I ALLOWED. I allowed him to reign in my mind. Past tense.
I couldn't speak for all the pain and anger that was at the surface. I couldn't speak because all I wanted to do was declare the injustice. I couldn't speak to someone that needed encouragement because I was as low as I have ever been. I couldn't speak through the grip of depression. I couldn't speak through the hurt. A friend pointed out that my tone sounded harsh and I wasn't even mad. It hurt me but it made me stop and think. Was that true? Was all the things in my life coming out in my tone even when I thought I had covered my hurt so well?
The black cloud was swirling all around me again and the pit that was looming at my feet, I had finally succumbed to. I was but broken glass at the bottom of the pit, unable to see the Light. I swore I would never be there again but here I am, feeling like God wasted precious time on me.
When I was a teenager, I went to camp and these girls tried to play a prank on my by attempting to syran me to my bunk bed. After they were done, someone screamed like something was wrong, I wasn't even aware of what had happened. All I could think about was someone was in need. I got out of the syran wrap and jumped to the floor. There were 20 girls with their mouths wide open that couldn't believe I had gotten free. That is exactly how I felt when I broke free of that black cloud. I had a burst of anger for the tricks that had been played on my mind and irritation that I allowed it and in one swift jump, I had wiggled free of the blackness that was blinding me.
I am still building the ladder that is helping me climb out of the pit. Each rung looks like it is built from words. If you look at it closely, you will see Jeremiah 31:3 on the first one, "...I have loved you with everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." The next one reads, Malachi 3:6, "For I am the Lord, I change not;" As I felt the truth from each verse resonate through my body, I closed my eyes and allowed His strength fill me. As I opened my eyes in faith, another rung on the ladder had formed. Psalms 27:14, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall stregthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." I'm not "there" yet but I keep climbing. I am not allowing the Devil to reign supreme in my mind. He is not welcome here. He may have felt like he had a cushy seat to my mental demise, but that chair was broken up by the sword of Truth.
Sometimes I still cannot speak for the heaviness in my heart. Forgive me. I have learned that each "trial", hardship, valley, tough time, is a building block for the next one. Doesn't that sound exciting? I don't think so either. However, I believe that we are ordained to go through these times so we will build a closer relationship with God. Each time may be tougher than before, but if we use it to further God's love and message, it will serve the purpose that was intended.
If you are in the pit, have faith. Claim his promises and the rungs of the ladder will appear for you too. Don't give up. Allow this to push you towards God, not away. I am not searching for validation or pity. I was reminded today that I am WANTED and LOVED. Let this be a reminder to you that you too are LOVED, WANTED and God has a PLAN that only YOU can fulfill.
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