COMING HOME FROM BATTLE

  I am not a soldier. I have never physically been to battle. My battle was a different type. This week I realized I have come home from battle. I was fighting in a war, a battle not many knew about. Suffering from phantom pains and hidden scars, I go about my day trying to fit into the civilian life. No one sees the turmoil in my mind. Sitting in the service I started thinking about singing again and being in the choir. I had to make my body relax and tell myself how to breathe. As if unattached to my brain, my body started remembering old fears and worries of another time, at another church. It remembered that my every move was watched and anything I didn't do right I would be scolded or belittled for it. The last time I sang was one of the biggest victories I had at that point. It has been over two years that I have lifted my voice to the Lord in a church service as a soloist. No one saw my chest tighten and could see how light headed and panicky I felt. No one could hear my frustration as my head and my heart struggling against each other. I have not had anything like that happen in over a year! Where did that come from!?!
   The next day I was talking with some awesome people that I am learning to trust and love. I looked at them and I felt like I did not fit in. I felt like when I spoke that it was all coming out wrong. I felt that I would never measure up to who they are. Of course, I know how silly that is. As humans, we require other people to "measure up" to this insane standard we created when God, as the Creator of everything, knows we will never "measure up" and loves us anyway. I get that. I really do. However, I am still human. I looked at this young woman as she talked and saw how untouched by the world she seemed. I am sure she has had some hardships and challenges but she was untouched by the ugliness I have known. There may as well been a spotlight on me. I just felt so used, old, and battle worn. I felt like anything I said would come out wrong. The words and thoughts coming out of my mouth had a reference and a basis but that wasn't known. How much do I want them to know about me? Countless times I have shared little parts of my story just to have people look at me differently or act weird towards me afterwards and not be used to help others. Do I want to risk it?
  I walk into church and am so excited about being there but find myself more comfortable meeting someone off the street and helping a stranger than speaking to the "pillar" church members. It feels like I have two people fighting inside me. I have that strong warrior that has fought for myself and others for a long time and I have this lady that wants nothing more than to feel at home again. They do not coexist very well. When a simple line was spoken at a ladies meeting I recently attended, I bristled and wanted to rescue the speaker from feeling "not smart" or from "getting into trouble" with her husband. When she spoke of insecurities I heard, protection. When she spoke of doing this or that and "hiding it" from her husband, I heard domination. How did my thinking change so much? Where did this come from? Will I ever be that lady again or will I always be ready to run to the aid of others?
  Now, I walk into a room and don't just see some cute shoes or an outfit, I look at body language and their eyes. I can see almost see and feel their pain, tension or grief. It is like all of my nerve endings are on the outside of my body. People say, once a soldier, always a soldier. I have come home from battle but the war still rages, even if it is just inside of me.
   I started to wonder how long it takes a soldier to relax into civilian life. Really, once you have seen war and the destruction it brings, you can never un-see it.You are forever changed. The key is, figuring out how to cope with what you have gone through and how to use to it help other people.

  I am a daughter of the King. He loves me. I don't mean He loves me IF......He loves me (period)! No matter what battle or war you are going through, whether you feel like you are winning or losing, you are loved. I may not can wrap my arms around you when you cry but He can. I may not be able to take away the pain but He can. I may not even know your name but He does. Some of us have been in a relationship where we didn't know what love was so we assume God loves us in that same way. PLEASE don't judge God by how others portray Him. That feeling you get when you feel so alone and hopeless that you can't breathe and all the sudden you feel eerily calm....that is God. He is there. He is holding you. He was holding us up so we wouldn't be destroyed. (Ps 37:23&24) He will be here as we pick up the pieces and march on. Come home and know you aren't alone.