WHAT IF IT WERE THEM

  Lately I have been tossing around the "why" in my mind in regards to a lot of things. It hit me today when I told someone that I wished I could take what they were carrying. I can take it. A few hours later I started thinking about that conversation. What if some of the things I am going through is in place of someone else, like my children? What if the reasoning behind this is in order to protect them?
   When they are sick, running a fever or have a test coming up, I wish I could go in their stead. I wish it were me that were sick and they would never feel that pain. What if I am going through this because I am keeping them from this type of situation? What if I can teach them how to think for themselves, the warning signs, how to make informed decisions, etc, because of where I have been?
   Life is life. It is hard. It is fun. It is scary. It doesn't make sense. It is what it is. BUT, just wonder what I am saving my kids from by going through it myself? First of all, it is so much easier to take. Secondly, to experience something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and maybe be saving your kids from the same fate, is awe inspiring.
   I can handle it. I have said that a lot. When the horse landed on my leg and crushed my knee, I remember thinking that I can handle the pain. I was grinding my good foot into the ground, trying not to move, holding onto handfuls of grass, gripping it as hard as I could and groaning, but in my mind I was telling myself, "I'm ok. I'm ok. I've got this. I'm just glad it was me." I've told my friends, my family and God the same thing.
 I DO have this. I AM okay.
   If I were completely honest, sometimes I just want to be mad. I want to scream to the top of my lungs while tearing something into shreds like a crazy lady. I want to just pout and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes, I do. I want to laugh hysterically for no reason at all. I want to not care what anyone thinks and do whatever I want. Sometimes I do and live to regret it. I feel like sometimes I live in a haze and I conquer something just to start struggling with something else I thought I conquered already. But what if the reason for it all was my kids?

   What if the countless hours I spend alone and missing them so bad I feel like I won't be able to keep the tears from coming was for them? Maybe to be strong and give them the example they need for the future. Maybe it is because it is preparing me for letting them go one day when they go off to college. Each time I tell someone goodbye because they aren't a good fit, is for the kids. Each hour I work, each piece of clothing I fold, each moment I spend cooking or cleaning, each decision I make, each laugh that I have, each tear that I cry is for my children. My purpose in this world is for my kids. I may not ever remarry and that is something I will adjust to if it means giving my kids what they need. God gave me these two incredible, special, little people to love, teach and show that He is real. Every hurt, ache and pain has a place in the scheme of my life and in theirs. They may not ever know the nights like this one and for that I will be so thankful. They may not ever know the feeling of seeing the one they saved themselves for and gave them everything, in a picture with another woman and a wedding band, she gave him, on his finger. They may not ever see their children get in a car with a person they no longer know, a woman who has the name you used to say with pride and leave for a week at a time. They may not ever have to experience the loneliness and emptiness from losing a spouse. BUT IF THEY DO, I pray I will have the example they will follow. I pray that all of this will be for a greater purpose in their lives. I pray that if I died tomorrow, the legacy I leave behind me will live on in them. I pray that through my life their journey is sweeter.

 What if it were them? I would rather it be me. 

COMPARING MOUNTAINS

  A very important lesson that I have learned this week is not to compare mountains. Something all mothers have been through is child birth. Some were laying on the bed and had a major contraction to hit, pause, laugh a little nervously and say,"Oop. There's another one." then continued on talking. Others have a contraction hit and start ripping sheets, throwing stuff, grabbing nurses and screaming at them to give them more drugs and using choice language. We have all been through some of the same things but we each have different ways we handle those things. You cannot measure the strength of one mother to-be against the other one. There is no winner and loser comparing the two. Did they have a successful child birth? Did everyone around them recover mentally? (haha) There ya go.
  Some of us can turn down a piece of chocolate or an extra piece of pizza and not think anything about it. Some, turn it down and then spend the day with their mouth watering and eating as much as you want that night in your dreams. When you turn down dessert or don't literally lick your plate clean, you feel like you deserve a trophy, sticker, something. Some people get commended for not ever eating chocolate and secretly it gives them diarrhea. It is no victory but they act like they are supreme. It makes you envision holding them down and making them eat a King size Hershey bar.
  I made a remark the other day that I felt like I was tougher than I thought I was and maybe, just maybe I have a purpose I didn't realize. Maybe God isn't done with me yet. Then, the more I thought about it the dumber I felt. I could have been diagnosed with cancer, paralyzed, had a total knee replacement and the list goes on. Instead, the doctors cannot explain my injuries and are amazed at how my knee is still intact. Did it minimize the amount of pain I experienced and the severity of the situation? No. The situation wasn't as severe as it could have been but the pain was real. Did I die from it...obviously not. If I compare my mountains or valleys to someone else's I may always come out second best or not even in the running. I didn't have hundreds of people raising money for my recovery or rallying to my aid. What I did have was some people that gave a little to help me get in to see the doctor. I had family members that came to check on me. I had an amazing gesture made by my mom's husband by ordering me supper to be sent to the house and volunteering to take a sick day to come help me. I had a friend that lives in a few states away trying to work it out where she could come up and help me as well. The amazing people I work with calling me and volunteering to bring me stuff. That's what I had. My knee was crushed but I will recover without surgery. Some people may not rally until someone dies. I think I would rather not go that far just to have them come.
  My problem was, I compared what I went through to someone else. I started feeling loved and victorious and strong. Then, I felt silly because what I went through wasn't as severe as someone else. God gives us all circumstances to go through. He gives us opportunities to depend on Him more. Choices to make. Hard times to triumph over. In my case, I am a people person, a servant. Being alone is something I hate. I mean, I despise it. God allowed me to go through this, somewhat alone, meaning I have no spouse or significant other to help me on a daily basis. I hate not being able to do for myself. I am supremely independent. Sometimes to a fault. Someone else may prefer to be alone and them being in my situation wouldn't have brought them out of their comfort zone at all. I have had the opportunity to see who my friends are, to see the heart of my church, and to see the attitude of my kids. Some things I have seen, I didn't like. Some things, I will never forget.
  Comparing what I have gone through does nothing but take away the triumph I have. It takes away what God has brought me through. Comparing anything usually gets is into trouble. This situation made me remember to not compare my mountains or victories and valleys or hard times with someone else's. To not discredit what I have been through for any reason. God brought me to and He will bring me through. How I handle each thing will show what I am made of. It doesn't have to be a big deal to you but it is a victory or defeat to someone. Don't discredit someone or even yourself. If someone gives you praise, be thankful for it. If someone is there to give you a hand up, reach out your hand freely. We are each fearfully and wonderfully made. To say anything contrary, no matter the situation, would be to discredit God.
   The only comparing you should do is compare how you handle your present situation to the past one.  Let's celebrate our victories, cry over the defeats but never, ever give up in them!!

I WAS LOST

  The past two weeks had really opened my eyes up to who I am and how I really feel about things. I have realized that I have felt lost for a long time. There is no one telling me what to do or planning my life out for me. There is no one helping me with my decisions. Everyone has an ulterior motive of some kind. I remember who I used to be. I have been able to pinpoint the handful of decisions made by me or for me that made my life what it is today.
  I feel jipped. I feel like that I wasn't giving the opportunities I should have been given. I wasn't given the chance I deserve to choose where my life should go. If I would have had .....in my life, where would I be now? I am sure we have all said the same thing about a person, instance or circumstance in our lives. I devoted my life to two men that let me down. I honored them and did everything they asked of me and more and where are they now? I feel like I have been betrayed by the ones I supported and were blindly loyal to. Now, where do I go from here?
  I feel insignificant. I feel like anything that happens in my life is so inconvenient for everyone. I don't know how I could be so selfish to not schedule life changing things around everyone else, but that is just how it worked out. A couple days afterwards, I felt like that if that horse would have crushed me and killed me that there would still be complaints about how my funeral interrupted someone's day. There would be some that said that was "God's judgement on me." I sat in my chair at the house after calling and texting everyone I knew that lived around me, church members included, and couldn't reach anyone. I sat there unable to even get up and get water and felt utterly alone and insignificant. I felt like I didn't matter. Everyone has their Facebook lives and shows up for church, but really doesn't care beyond what they can capture and upload on to their online timelines. I could have died. What kind of mark would I have left other than my headstone?
  Those instances that I mentioned that led me to where I am in life seem so clear to me now. If I would have just waited a few more days, weeks or months. If I would have listened to what my heart told me and not sought advice from someone up to their neck in their own secret sins, I wouldn't be where I am.
  The other side of me looks at those moments and decisions and tells myself, if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have what I have. Not only knowledge through experience but friends and family as well. I wouldn't just be in a different place, I would be a different person. During all of this, I have prayed so often that God would let me see when someone needed a lift, an encouraging word, a friend. Put people in my path that I can show them they aren't alone. Again, where do I go from here?
  At any given moment, there are people telling me what I should do. What job I should take. Where I should live. Who I should or shouldn't date. How to raise my kids. There are so many voices coming at me at once that they sometimes drown out the voice of the One that I need to hear the most. In a way, my life feels like a shambles. I feel like I am trying to rebuild a house with burnt wood and shattered glass. I am scrambling to make myself ok when I went through something that broke me. I went through several things that almost, almost destroyed me. I was angry. I don't mean mad, I mean angry. I have been so mad that I wanted to run over anything and everything in my way. So angry, that it started from deep inside me and radiated to my toes up to my hair. I have been so broken that I couldn't even cry anymore. I have felt so dead that I felt like I walked through life like a robot waiting, praying God would take me home. I have felt so alone I was afraid to die because no one would show up for me at my funeral, no one would grieve my loss. I was afraid to love because the ones I love, leave. I was afraid to breathe because even that hurt. I felt like everything I was died. I was a shell. My laugh was hollow. My eyes were just and dead as all my dreams.
   I am lost. I always had someone in my life to listen to and point myself towards. When I was younger, it was my dad. Once I was married, it was my husband. Now, who is my "North"?

[Knowing God is with me and is Who I should pattern my life after is a given in this whole post]

Who is the one to debate the current decisions and child rearing with? Who do I call now when I have a bad day? Who will even care when I want to vent without throwing Bible verses or knowledge I already have, at me when I just want to be human for a minute? Yes, God is and has become my everything. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting, desiring a physical representation of that relationship. Nothing. 

  I have been spending the last few weeks determining what I want. Who I want in my life. What is my main goal right now? For me, my main goal is to provide for my kids and rear them to be amazing earth changing adults. I may not have been created to change the world, but I may have been created to raise the ones that do. THEY are my reason for being who I need to be right now. Eventually, I will be that person because it is what I should do. For now, they are my drive. They are the reason I want to better myself. Who are they going to emulate? Why would I want them to copy someone else that may have ulterior motives? 

  What are my goals? What is my drive? Just because I have that knowledge doesn't mean the scars, hurt and the feeling of being lost leaves me. I believe, it will come. Honestly, I believe I am standing at a crossroads and the decisions I make right now will determine not only my future but the future of my kids. 

   I have been through so much. I have had people in the background but even those people don't know that half of it. Some things, I am just admitting to myself. I would never voice certain things to ANYONE. 

   I have discovered how strong I really am. I have discovered how determined I am. I have discovered how driven I am. I have discovered how tough I am. I have discovered how amazing my kids really are. These are amazing discoveries that only come in extreme situations. I have the knowledge that a lot of people never realize about themselves and when they do they let the anger, hurt, fear and circumstances overtake them instead of fighting through it. 

I AM A FIGHTER. 

Watch me change the world. Whether it be through my kids or fighting to overcome all odds.

JOIN ME. 

Join me in a battle of the mind. Join me in the battle over the ones who seek to destroy our hopes and dreams. Join me in meeting this enemy head on while maintaining a good heart, mind and spirit. 

SIT ON THE SIDELINES BUT ROOT FOR THE WINNING TEAM. 

If you don't have that tenacity that you admire in others. Cheer them on instead. 

I AM A WARRIOR.

In my hand I have a Book to guide me. In my heart I have a fire that was lit by suffering but continues to burn because of the desire to see the ones that suffer find comfort. My arms are built for battle but find that offering a hug conquers more fears than wielding a weapon. My shoulders are stout but have been made for helping carry not just my load by helping with my fellow combatants. My legs are built to walk on when others cannot take another step. They were made to help me walk to the ones that need someone even in the roughest terrain. My feet are tough and wide to help me maintain my balance as my legs carry my and my shoulders carry someone else when they give up walking their path. My head hold the key to getting through the battles I go through. My spirit never quits. My spirit sometimes guides my head and my heart to walk on even in the darkest times. 

I AM A MOTHER

There is nothing that drives me more than being a mother. My kids are the ones I fight for. When the battle seems hopeless, pointless and lost, all I have to do is look at them and my spirit is renewed. No person comes before my kids. But my kids are why I am a fighter and a warrior. They are the reason you should watch me. Because of them I have been counted down, but not been counted out. They are the ones I fight for and they will be the ones I win for. 

WATCH ME.

Watch me become victorious

THE RIDE....well, sort of

Growing up, I was fearless. I had initial fears in meeting new people but realized they were probably as afraid as I was so I would just be the first one to take the leap. I did the plunge on the biggest "swing" there was in the U.S. I had written permission from dad, but mom knew about it after the fact via video. Lately, I have been afraid of a lot of things. There's a lot of things I want to do, try, experience but let the fear of the unknown keep me from it.
July 4, I had the opportunity to ride four wheelers and horses. I got on an awesome four wheeler and opened it up full speed and wasn't scared a bit. It felt wonderful knowing I was in control and doing something I loved and I helped made it happen. It was freeing. Then, they got out a horse and were going to take turns riding it. I hadn't ridden horses in a year. I love horses. They are big, unpredictable and majestic. I was a bit hesitant. If it can happen to someone, it will happen to me. As soon as I stepped towards the horse, she side stepped. I got up on her like a pro. I was so proud. I could feel her body very tense. I sat on her for a few minutes, talking to her and trying to get situated. As soon as I nudged her to go she started off and my brains felt like they were rattling from the beginning. She jostled me so much, I thought my organs were shaking loose. She was not in the mood for anyone to be on her. She started acting a little worried and I almost jumped off but we were too close to the fence and I was afraid she would kick me in the head. I had to nudge her on a couple times and she didn't seem to keen on me on her back. As I was attempting to ride this gigantic horse, she was shaking my pony tail loose. It was messily going up and down on my head in a ridiculous way. I know I looked like a hilarious clip from a movie. I got tickled and laughed at the picture I must have made. We were more than half way around the circle and the horse stopped again. I wanted to get off but I didn't want to quit. I didn't want to move or holler, just in case it spooked her. She was right beside the fence and I was talking to her softly. I nudged her flank just a little and she shook her head. Right when I thought she would start walking again, she reared up. We went straight up in the air. At that moment a myriad of things went through my mind. For one, it looked exactly like it did on the movies looking through her ears as she went up in the air. I didn't want to die yet. I wanted to raised my kids. I wanted to recover from this with minimal damage. When she went up, is when I realized the saddle wasn't as tight as it should have been. It shifted when my weight did and she started to go straight backwards. I knew that if I didn't let go, I would be on the bottom and she would crush me. When I let go, my arm landed on the fence and then I hit the ground. I couldn't get away fast enough and part of the saddle and her flank landed on my knee. She then fell through the wooden fence. If the fence wouldn't have been rotten, she would have still fell back on me. I laid flat back so she wouldn't kick me and then tried to move. I looked at my knee right after it happened and to the left of my knee cap was completely flat. I felt something what I thought was wet on my head and my ear. I reached up and felt it and found it was just my earring. I immediately thought, "Oh good. I'm glad I didn't lose my ear or that earring."
Up to that point in my life, I had never experienced that kind of pain, ever. It was debilitating. I felt like I would be sick. I couldn't cry. I wouldn't cry. I was so embarrassed this happened to me and in front of an audience, no less. What are the odds? They are forever in my favor. It felt like it took forever for anyone to walk over to me. No one was running. I felt like they should have been running. I needed help FAST. Do you think I hollered at anyone to come? No. I was too busy writhing in pain. I was holding on to the grass with my hands and digging my uninjured leg into the ground. All I could do is moan through gritted teeth. It was insane how much it hurt. There were three men there by that time, hands on hips, staring at me discussing the next plan of action. One of them, I knew better. I asked him to come down there with me instead of staring at me. He allowed me to squeeze his hand until my mind had time to adjust to the pain and I could think of what I wanted to do next.
Finally, I was put on the four wheeler, over my protests of how heavy I felt like I was. Every bump and jostle made me just about crazy. Finally, I was able to talk and started cracking jokes to help me cope with what I was going through. I didn't want to do to the hospital because I didn't have insurance or the funds to cover...anything. It was embarrassing to be the center of attention and not be able to do anything for myself, all the sudden. My friends took care of my like I was family. I hobbled on the one crutch we could find until Sunday night when I went to the ER. I went to work all week with a knee stabilizer on and a set of crutches. I went to the Doctor today and it is looking like a torn ACL and MCL and possibly bone damage inside my knee. I will not know for sure until Monday.
I have discovered that I do not know how to take help. I do not know how to respond to it, ask for it and much less insist on it. I am always the one that is serving someone. I am the one that is fixing meals, doing laundry, being independent. I don't know how to depend on anyone. I don't ask for help anymore because I can no longer handle the rejection of no one showing up.
I faced my fears and did what I wanted to do and now I am paying the price. Now, I wish I would have listened to my intuition. Ultimately, I am glad I finally took the risk and did what I wanted to do without worrying about every little thing. I am hurting and having to depend on my kids for a lot of things. Everywhere I go, people ask me, "Who's with you?" "Is no one here to drive you?"  "Are you alone?" I felt like screaming at one point, " YES! I AM ALONE! NO. NO ONE IS WITH ME. NO, I AM NOT REALLY OK WITH IT BUT THIS IS MY LIFE!!!" It makes me feel a little more sensitive about being "single". Makes me feel more alone than "single".  I realize God will take care of me but I am also human. I bleed when cut and I cry when hurt, sometimes. My life isn't the way I thought it would be, but it is my life. It is going to be a life worth writing about.

2014 is supposed to be my year and what a ride it has been so far!! 

YOU LEFT YOUR MARK

  In this post, I am going to for-warn you that I am going to be honest, blatant and expose my heart, again. To those of you that posts ugly posts and send me messages when you don't like what you read, I wouldn't read this one.

   You left your mark on me when you went away. You left your mark on me when you chose someone else over me. You left your mark on me when I continually felt alone when you were there. You left your mark when I still have dreams about the rejection I have felt and the words that were said. You left your mark when you said, "No one will ever be good enough for you." You left your mark when I could never do enough to make you proud. You left your mark when I need you and am too afraid to say because I cannot handle the rejection. You left your mark when someone gives me help and I have no idea how to handle it. You left your mark on me because sometimes I am afraid. You left your mark on me when I still dream of what it was like inside your hug.

You left your mark on me. 

  Don't think for one second it is one person of which I am referring. I believe we have all had people to "leave a mark on us". Sometimes, I am weirdly afraid I will bump into certain people when I go to certain places and they were so mean and cruel to me in a public way, I am afraid I would crumble in front of them. My silence was mistaken for weakness, when in fact it took me more strength to bite my tongue than it did to say the truth that I was thinking. It would kill me to think that leaving "my mark" on someone was a bad thing. I want "my mark" to be of kindness and laughter and encouragement. 

   It is my belief that ones that have the "ugliest marks" left on them are the ones that leave the prettiest on others. We know how it feels to be rejected and utterly alone. We know how it feels to want for that parent to be proud of us and wear our heart on our sleeve around them, just to feel the rejection and loss every time we walk away. We know how it feels to be there for everyone else but no one is there for us when we need it. We (I) am not the type of person to say I need help. I long for the person and friend that knows when I need it and comes over my protests. 

  I have discovered I have a fear of rejection. Not a fear of rejection of men, necessarily, but a fear of rejection from my friends and family. I am that girl that a guy asks out and by the end of the conversation he now knows he isn't healed yet from a past relationship or he is getting back with his person. I am that girl! I have to try to help everyone. It's a blessing and a curse. In my case, I help people, hold their hand, build their confidence and watch them go. One day, just maybe one day, I want to look back at the hand I thought I let go of and see that they never let go. That guy that asks me out will be ready to date and see me for me. The one time I build up my courage to ask for help, I don't live to regret it or be "owned" for the next 50 years of my life. I want a knock to sound at my door and be someone that I would have never imagined, just because. 

  I want my mark to be something beautiful. I want that mark to be one that changes someone's perspective. I want that mark to be a pivotal time in someone's life that they can trace back to me. I don't mean that in a self-centered way, I mean that in a way that I want that to be my gift from God. I am up most of the time. I don't like to let people know how really low I feel until after I see the silver lining, until after I have processed it and can turn it around to something good. I was just gotten on to, quite strongly, because I don't ask for help or let people know when I actually need something. What I didn't get across properly was if there is a history of someone not showing up or I think it will inconvenience anyone, I will not ask. Example. The last time I asked for help moving, when that person got mad at me, they said I used them. First of all, they volunteered. I just actually said yes, this time. If this sounds familiar to you, if you are as I have described, if you have a friend that is as I have described and you know of a remedy, I am opening myself up to hear it. 

  I have had people in my life that have helped me through an unbearable time. God sent them when I least expected it. It is those in between times that I have a hard time with. It is those times when I could use a no strings attached hug. I miss having someone I can be human with and cry and protest without being berated or quoted scripture to for feeling the way I do. I have the head and the heart knowledge. Doesn't change the fact I am human. I am imperfect and have needs just like you do. 

   What kind of mark are we leaving? Are we the person others call because they know we will come or are we the ones that are thought of years down the road when the realization of certain issues comes up because of a thoughtless or angry comment that we made? I pray that I am a memorable person. I know I am a bit crazy and I laugh instead of crying most times but it is my prayer I am that person that leaves an impression. Hopefully, a good impression, a good mark on everyone that I meet. You don't have to be "up" all the time or even perfect to make an impact. Sometimes those "ugly marks" that were left on us help us identify the ones like us and we can help each other along the way.  Every time I write in this blog, I pray that this blog is doing just that.