You left your mark on me when you went away. You left your mark on me when you chose someone else over me. You left your mark on me when I continually felt alone when you were there. You left your mark when I still have dreams about the rejection I have felt and the words that were said. You left your mark when you said, "No one will ever be good enough for you." You left your mark when I could never do enough to make you proud. You left your mark when I need you and am too afraid to say because I cannot handle the rejection. You left your mark when someone gives me help and I have no idea how to handle it. You left your mark on me because sometimes I am afraid. You left your mark on me when I still dream of what it was like inside your hug.
You left your mark on me.
Don't think for one second it is one person of which I am referring. I believe we have all had people to "leave a mark on us". Sometimes, I am weirdly afraid I will bump into certain people when I go to certain places and they were so mean and cruel to me in a public way, I am afraid I would crumble in front of them. My silence was mistaken for weakness, when in fact it took me more strength to bite my tongue than it did to say the truth that I was thinking. It would kill me to think that leaving "my mark" on someone was a bad thing. I want "my mark" to be of kindness and laughter and encouragement.
It is my belief that ones that have the "ugliest marks" left on them are the ones that leave the prettiest on others. We know how it feels to be rejected and utterly alone. We know how it feels to want for that parent to be proud of us and wear our heart on our sleeve around them, just to feel the rejection and loss every time we walk away. We know how it feels to be there for everyone else but no one is there for us when we need it. We (I) am not the type of person to say I need help. I long for the person and friend that knows when I need it and comes over my protests.
I have discovered I have a fear of rejection. Not a fear of rejection of men, necessarily, but a fear of rejection from my friends and family. I am that girl that a guy asks out and by the end of the conversation he now knows he isn't healed yet from a past relationship or he is getting back with his person. I am that girl! I have to try to help everyone. It's a blessing and a curse. In my case, I help people, hold their hand, build their confidence and watch them go. One day, just maybe one day, I want to look back at the hand I thought I let go of and see that they never let go. That guy that asks me out will be ready to date and see me for me. The one time I build up my courage to ask for help, I don't live to regret it or be "owned" for the next 50 years of my life. I want a knock to sound at my door and be someone that I would have never imagined, just because.
I want my mark to be something beautiful. I want that mark to be one that changes someone's perspective. I want that mark to be a pivotal time in someone's life that they can trace back to me. I don't mean that in a self-centered way, I mean that in a way that I want that to be my gift from God. I am up most of the time. I don't like to let people know how really low I feel until after I see the silver lining, until after I have processed it and can turn it around to something good. I was just gotten on to, quite strongly, because I don't ask for help or let people know when I actually need something. What I didn't get across properly was if there is a history of someone not showing up or I think it will inconvenience anyone, I will not ask. Example. The last time I asked for help moving, when that person got mad at me, they said I used them. First of all, they volunteered. I just actually said yes, this time. If this sounds familiar to you, if you are as I have described, if you have a friend that is as I have described and you know of a remedy, I am opening myself up to hear it.
I have had people in my life that have helped me through an unbearable time. God sent them when I least expected it. It is those in between times that I have a hard time with. It is those times when I could use a no strings attached hug. I miss having someone I can be human with and cry and protest without being berated or quoted scripture to for feeling the way I do. I have the head and the heart knowledge. Doesn't change the fact I am human. I am imperfect and have needs just like you do.
What kind of mark are we leaving? Are we the person others call because they know we will come or are we the ones that are thought of years down the road when the realization of certain issues comes up because of a thoughtless or angry comment that we made? I pray that I am a memorable person. I know I am a bit crazy and I laugh instead of crying most times but it is my prayer I am that person that leaves an impression. Hopefully, a good impression, a good mark on everyone that I meet. You don't have to be "up" all the time or even perfect to make an impact. Sometimes those "ugly marks" that were left on us help us identify the ones like us and we can help each other along the way. Every time I write in this blog, I pray that this blog is doing just that.
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