I feel jipped. I feel like that I wasn't giving the opportunities I should have been given. I wasn't given the chance I deserve to choose where my life should go. If I would have had .....in my life, where would I be now? I am sure we have all said the same thing about a person, instance or circumstance in our lives. I devoted my life to two men that let me down. I honored them and did everything they asked of me and more and where are they now? I feel like I have been betrayed by the ones I supported and were blindly loyal to. Now, where do I go from here?
I feel insignificant. I feel like anything that happens in my life is so inconvenient for everyone. I don't know how I could be so selfish to not schedule life changing things around everyone else, but that is just how it worked out. A couple days afterwards, I felt like that if that horse would have crushed me and killed me that there would still be complaints about how my funeral interrupted someone's day. There would be some that said that was "God's judgement on me." I sat in my chair at the house after calling and texting everyone I knew that lived around me, church members included, and couldn't reach anyone. I sat there unable to even get up and get water and felt utterly alone and insignificant. I felt like I didn't matter. Everyone has their Facebook lives and shows up for church, but really doesn't care beyond what they can capture and upload on to their online timelines. I could have died. What kind of mark would I have left other than my headstone?
Those instances that I mentioned that led me to where I am in life seem so clear to me now. If I would have just waited a few more days, weeks or months. If I would have listened to what my heart told me and not sought advice from someone up to their neck in their own secret sins, I wouldn't be where I am.
The other side of me looks at those moments and decisions and tells myself, if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have what I have. Not only knowledge through experience but friends and family as well. I wouldn't just be in a different place, I would be a different person. During all of this, I have prayed so often that God would let me see when someone needed a lift, an encouraging word, a friend. Put people in my path that I can show them they aren't alone. Again, where do I go from here?
At any given moment, there are people telling me what I should do. What job I should take. Where I should live. Who I should or shouldn't date. How to raise my kids. There are so many voices coming at me at once that they sometimes drown out the voice of the One that I need to hear the most. In a way, my life feels like a shambles. I feel like I am trying to rebuild a house with burnt wood and shattered glass. I am scrambling to make myself ok when I went through something that broke me. I went through several things that almost, almost destroyed me. I was angry. I don't mean mad, I mean angry. I have been so mad that I wanted to run over anything and everything in my way. So angry, that it started from deep inside me and radiated to my toes up to my hair. I have been so broken that I couldn't even cry anymore. I have felt so dead that I felt like I walked through life like a robot waiting, praying God would take me home. I have felt so alone I was afraid to die because no one would show up for me at my funeral, no one would grieve my loss. I was afraid to love because the ones I love, leave. I was afraid to breathe because even that hurt. I felt like everything I was died. I was a shell. My laugh was hollow. My eyes were just and dead as all my dreams.
I am lost. I always had someone in my life to listen to and point myself towards. When I was younger, it was my dad. Once I was married, it was my husband. Now, who is my "North"?
[Knowing God is with me and is Who I should pattern my life after is a given in this whole post]
Who is the one to debate the current decisions and child rearing with? Who do I call now when I have a bad day? Who will even care when I want to vent without throwing Bible verses or knowledge I already have, at me when I just want to be human for a minute? Yes, God is and has become my everything. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting, desiring a physical representation of that relationship. Nothing.
I have been spending the last few weeks determining what I want. Who I want in my life. What is my main goal right now? For me, my main goal is to provide for my kids and rear them to be amazing earth changing adults. I may not have been created to change the world, but I may have been created to raise the ones that do. THEY are my reason for being who I need to be right now. Eventually, I will be that person because it is what I should do. For now, they are my drive. They are the reason I want to better myself. Who are they going to emulate? Why would I want them to copy someone else that may have ulterior motives?
What are my goals? What is my drive? Just because I have that knowledge doesn't mean the scars, hurt and the feeling of being lost leaves me. I believe, it will come. Honestly, I believe I am standing at a crossroads and the decisions I make right now will determine not only my future but the future of my kids.
I have been through so much. I have had people in the background but even those people don't know that half of it. Some things, I am just admitting to myself. I would never voice certain things to ANYONE.
I have discovered how strong I really am. I have discovered how determined I am. I have discovered how driven I am. I have discovered how tough I am. I have discovered how amazing my kids really are. These are amazing discoveries that only come in extreme situations. I have the knowledge that a lot of people never realize about themselves and when they do they let the anger, hurt, fear and circumstances overtake them instead of fighting through it.
I AM A FIGHTER.
Watch me change the world. Whether it be through my kids or fighting to overcome all odds.
JOIN ME.
Join me in a battle of the mind. Join me in the battle over the ones who seek to destroy our hopes and dreams. Join me in meeting this enemy head on while maintaining a good heart, mind and spirit.
SIT ON THE SIDELINES BUT ROOT FOR THE WINNING TEAM.
If you don't have that tenacity that you admire in others. Cheer them on instead.
I AM A WARRIOR.
In my hand I have a Book to guide me. In my heart I have a fire that was lit by suffering but continues to burn because of the desire to see the ones that suffer find comfort. My arms are built for battle but find that offering a hug conquers more fears than wielding a weapon. My shoulders are stout but have been made for helping carry not just my load by helping with my fellow combatants. My legs are built to walk on when others cannot take another step. They were made to help me walk to the ones that need someone even in the roughest terrain. My feet are tough and wide to help me maintain my balance as my legs carry my and my shoulders carry someone else when they give up walking their path. My head hold the key to getting through the battles I go through. My spirit never quits. My spirit sometimes guides my head and my heart to walk on even in the darkest times.
I AM A MOTHER
There is nothing that drives me more than being a mother. My kids are the ones I fight for. When the battle seems hopeless, pointless and lost, all I have to do is look at them and my spirit is renewed. No person comes before my kids. But my kids are why I am a fighter and a warrior. They are the reason you should watch me. Because of them I have been counted down, but not been counted out. They are the ones I fight for and they will be the ones I win for.
WATCH ME.
Watch me become victorious
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