WHAT IF IT WERE THEM

  Lately I have been tossing around the "why" in my mind in regards to a lot of things. It hit me today when I told someone that I wished I could take what they were carrying. I can take it. A few hours later I started thinking about that conversation. What if some of the things I am going through is in place of someone else, like my children? What if the reasoning behind this is in order to protect them?
   When they are sick, running a fever or have a test coming up, I wish I could go in their stead. I wish it were me that were sick and they would never feel that pain. What if I am going through this because I am keeping them from this type of situation? What if I can teach them how to think for themselves, the warning signs, how to make informed decisions, etc, because of where I have been?
   Life is life. It is hard. It is fun. It is scary. It doesn't make sense. It is what it is. BUT, just wonder what I am saving my kids from by going through it myself? First of all, it is so much easier to take. Secondly, to experience something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and maybe be saving your kids from the same fate, is awe inspiring.
   I can handle it. I have said that a lot. When the horse landed on my leg and crushed my knee, I remember thinking that I can handle the pain. I was grinding my good foot into the ground, trying not to move, holding onto handfuls of grass, gripping it as hard as I could and groaning, but in my mind I was telling myself, "I'm ok. I'm ok. I've got this. I'm just glad it was me." I've told my friends, my family and God the same thing.
 I DO have this. I AM okay.
   If I were completely honest, sometimes I just want to be mad. I want to scream to the top of my lungs while tearing something into shreds like a crazy lady. I want to just pout and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes, I do. I want to laugh hysterically for no reason at all. I want to not care what anyone thinks and do whatever I want. Sometimes I do and live to regret it. I feel like sometimes I live in a haze and I conquer something just to start struggling with something else I thought I conquered already. But what if the reason for it all was my kids?

   What if the countless hours I spend alone and missing them so bad I feel like I won't be able to keep the tears from coming was for them? Maybe to be strong and give them the example they need for the future. Maybe it is because it is preparing me for letting them go one day when they go off to college. Each time I tell someone goodbye because they aren't a good fit, is for the kids. Each hour I work, each piece of clothing I fold, each moment I spend cooking or cleaning, each decision I make, each laugh that I have, each tear that I cry is for my children. My purpose in this world is for my kids. I may not ever remarry and that is something I will adjust to if it means giving my kids what they need. God gave me these two incredible, special, little people to love, teach and show that He is real. Every hurt, ache and pain has a place in the scheme of my life and in theirs. They may not ever know the nights like this one and for that I will be so thankful. They may not ever know the feeling of seeing the one they saved themselves for and gave them everything, in a picture with another woman and a wedding band, she gave him, on his finger. They may not ever see their children get in a car with a person they no longer know, a woman who has the name you used to say with pride and leave for a week at a time. They may not ever have to experience the loneliness and emptiness from losing a spouse. BUT IF THEY DO, I pray I will have the example they will follow. I pray that all of this will be for a greater purpose in their lives. I pray that if I died tomorrow, the legacy I leave behind me will live on in them. I pray that through my life their journey is sweeter.

 What if it were them? I would rather it be me.