July 4, I had the opportunity to ride four wheelers and horses. I got on an awesome four wheeler and opened it up full speed and wasn't scared a bit. It felt wonderful knowing I was in control and doing something I loved and I helped made it happen. It was freeing. Then, they got out a horse and were going to take turns riding it. I hadn't ridden horses in a year. I love horses. They are big, unpredictable and majestic. I was a bit hesitant. If it can happen to someone, it will happen to me. As soon as I stepped towards the horse, she side stepped. I got up on her like a pro. I was so proud. I could feel her body very tense. I sat on her for a few minutes, talking to her and trying to get situated. As soon as I nudged her to go she started off and my brains felt like they were rattling from the beginning. She jostled me so much, I thought my organs were shaking loose. She was not in the mood for anyone to be on her. She started acting a little worried and I almost jumped off but we were too close to the fence and I was afraid she would kick me in the head. I had to nudge her on a couple times and she didn't seem to keen on me on her back. As I was attempting to ride this gigantic horse, she was shaking my pony tail loose. It was messily going up and down on my head in a ridiculous way. I know I looked like a hilarious clip from a movie. I got tickled and laughed at the picture I must have made. We were more than half way around the circle and the horse stopped again. I wanted to get off but I didn't want to quit. I didn't want to move or holler, just in case it spooked her. She was right beside the fence and I was talking to her softly. I nudged her flank just a little and she shook her head. Right when I thought she would start walking again, she reared up. We went straight up in the air. At that moment a myriad of things went through my mind. For one, it looked exactly like it did on the movies looking through her ears as she went up in the air. I didn't want to die yet. I wanted to raised my kids. I wanted to recover from this with minimal damage. When she went up, is when I realized the saddle wasn't as tight as it should have been. It shifted when my weight did and she started to go straight backwards. I knew that if I didn't let go, I would be on the bottom and she would crush me. When I let go, my arm landed on the fence and then I hit the ground. I couldn't get away fast enough and part of the saddle and her flank landed on my knee. She then fell through the wooden fence. If the fence wouldn't have been rotten, she would have still fell back on me. I laid flat back so she wouldn't kick me and then tried to move. I looked at my knee right after it happened and to the left of my knee cap was completely flat. I felt something what I thought was wet on my head and my ear. I reached up and felt it and found it was just my earring. I immediately thought, "Oh good. I'm glad I didn't lose my ear or that earring."
Up to that point in my life, I had never experienced that kind of pain, ever. It was debilitating. I felt like I would be sick. I couldn't cry. I wouldn't cry. I was so embarrassed this happened to me and in front of an audience, no less. What are the odds? They are forever in my favor. It felt like it took forever for anyone to walk over to me. No one was running. I felt like they should have been running. I needed help FAST. Do you think I hollered at anyone to come? No. I was too busy writhing in pain. I was holding on to the grass with my hands and digging my uninjured leg into the ground. All I could do is moan through gritted teeth. It was insane how much it hurt. There were three men there by that time, hands on hips, staring at me discussing the next plan of action. One of them, I knew better. I asked him to come down there with me instead of staring at me. He allowed me to squeeze his hand until my mind had time to adjust to the pain and I could think of what I wanted to do next.
Finally, I was put on the four wheeler, over my protests of how heavy I felt like I was. Every bump and jostle made me just about crazy. Finally, I was able to talk and started cracking jokes to help me cope with what I was going through. I didn't want to do to the hospital because I didn't have insurance or the funds to cover...anything. It was embarrassing to be the center of attention and not be able to do anything for myself, all the sudden. My friends took care of my like I was family. I hobbled on the one crutch we could find until Sunday night when I went to the ER. I went to work all week with a knee stabilizer on and a set of crutches. I went to the Doctor today and it is looking like a torn ACL and MCL and possibly bone damage inside my knee. I will not know for sure until Monday.
I have discovered that I do not know how to take help. I do not know how to respond to it, ask for it and much less insist on it. I am always the one that is serving someone. I am the one that is fixing meals, doing laundry, being independent. I don't know how to depend on anyone. I don't ask for help anymore because I can no longer handle the rejection of no one showing up.
I faced my fears and did what I wanted to do and now I am paying the price. Now, I wish I would have listened to my intuition. Ultimately, I am glad I finally took the risk and did what I wanted to do without worrying about every little thing. I am hurting and having to depend on my kids for a lot of things. Everywhere I go, people ask me, "Who's with you?" "Is no one here to drive you?" "Are you alone?" I felt like screaming at one point, " YES! I AM ALONE! NO. NO ONE IS WITH ME. NO, I AM NOT REALLY OK WITH IT BUT THIS IS MY LIFE!!!" It makes me feel a little more sensitive about being "single". Makes me feel more alone than "single". I realize God will take care of me but I am also human. I bleed when cut and I cry when hurt, sometimes. My life isn't the way I thought it would be, but it is my life. It is going to be a life worth writing about.
2014 is supposed to be my year and what a ride it has been so far!!
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