I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW

   You may not agree with me, and that is okay. I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to be confused. It is okay to not know what you want. It is okay to not know where to go from here. It is okay. There is no time limit on growth. There is no time limit on finding out what you want to do for the rest of your life.

   I grew up in a strict Independent Fundamental Baptist Pastor's home. The first time I was asked what I wanted to do was after my kids were born and I was without a husband. My life had been planned from a very early age. After I was married my life was centered around my husband and what he wanted. Then, the children came and from the moment I knew that it would never be about me again.

    What do I want out of life? Where do I want to live? Where do I want to go to church? What do I want to do for work? What are my goals? Where do I see myself in 5 years? Where do I want my children to attend school? What is the ultimate goal I want for them in their schooling? How much do I want to duplicate my childhood for them? Who do I want to date? Who will be the best for me AND the children?

   I could sit here and write questions until my fingers cramp. There is so much to figure out. There are so many pivotal decisions that need to be made. It isn't like I can share the responsibility of those decisions with anyone. It is on me. What I decide, I have to fight for. I get pushed one way or another by a multitude of people all of the time. I am the one that has to live with the consequences of my decisions, just me. My children will have to live with the results. I had someone tell me the other day, I don't know what I want. That was true a few weeks ago. Today, I have found that I am being pointed in a specific direction. This time it isn't because of a guy, friend, or someone that seems they know more about my situation than I do. I believe the Lord is guiding me. Once I have quieted my doubts and the helpful suggestions by others, I feel a pull that isn't me pushing something to happen.
 
    I have conflicted with some people in my journey. I have vented to very close friends that wouldn't use my frustration against me. I have also chosen poorly and vented to friends that did just that. It doesn't mean that I am going to turn on them the way they did me. It just means that I have learned a very valuable lesson in my journey. Those whose vision is distorted towards everyone else, will be distorted towards me as well. The conflict doesn't make me any less determined and I don't sit for hours at my computer writing out all the wrongs that I felt were done towards me or refuting their inaccurate stories. It is okay to have different opinions. It is okay to have people that don't like me. Truthfully, I do not like everyone I meet or get to know better either. It isn't just one person, couple or family that have conflicted with the way I see things or the way they see things. It is okay to see the world differently. I believe if you are a true Christian you can have a conflict or difference of opinion and not try to destroy how the world sees that person just because they rubbed you the wrong way.

    The questions I have to get answered and the conflicts that I have had along the way just makes for an action packed life. I have learned that life unfolds one moment, step and path at a time. It will not be all mapped out for me. There will not be a right and wrong to some of those questions but the answer that I choose will have definite results. For now, I know I am okay. I know the direction I am going and I pray every step of the way for God to shut a door if it isn't meant for me to go through it. His approval is all I need. He loves me quirks and all. I don't have to be perfect or always make good decisions for Him to love me. That is such a wonderful feeling! Perfection isn't in my future. I do what I know I need to do for today and don't even think about tomorrow. I can make it a day at a time.

I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW

I don't know about tomorrow

I just live from day to day

And I don't borrow from the sunshine

'Cause the skies might turn to gray

And I don't worry about the future

'Cause I know what Jesus said

And today I'm gonna walk right beside Him

'Cause He's the one who knows what is ahead

There are things about tomorrow

That I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand

And each step is getting brighter

As the golden stairs I climb

And every burden is getting lighter

And all the clouds, their silver line

And over there the sun, it's always shining

There no tears will ever dim the eye

And the ending of the rainbow

Where the mountains, they touch the sky

CONVERSATIONS

     The other day, we met a little boy name Cole in McDonald's. When I sat down Jayden and Cole had already decided it would be great if they were brothers. This bright eyed, red headed little boy. was eating his Blizzard and enlightening us about girls. He said that girls don't sweat, they glow. Their eyes look like diamonds and their faces glow. He had such great wisdom and advice about girls, that involved their heads that are full of clothes and shoes, that Chloe and I just kept looking at each other trying not to laugh.  He had just turned 7 and I could just see him on "Kids say the Darndest Things".

I was going over "Stranger Danger" with the children and telling them what to do in several different types of scenarios. Chloe chimes in adamantly with, "If someone tries to hurt me I will beat them til their guts!!" I am not sure if she realized that she said an incomplete sentence or not, but she felt like she said enough.  I am constantly on the look out for threats and trying to teach them to not be scared but to be aware. I pray that the situation never arises, but if it does, they are prepared. I love the confidence they have. They have been my confidence when I am not sure where to turn. They are always so gracious and loving (and little pistols) when my head is still spinning.

Jayden was talking to me about his first game. The game was cancelled because of weather and then it was rescheduled to Sunday at noon. We were unable attend because we attend church so Jayden was giving me the scoop on why they lost. He said, "I am a very fast runner and am great at baseball (this is his first year playing). If I would have been there we would have won." Oh yeah? I asked. "Yes." How do you figure that? "I'm like Babe Ruth mom." Of course I looked at him in shock. How does he know about Babe Ruth and what makes him think he is BR? "Uh Babe Ruth mom....Hello?!" I just laughed out right. I LOVE it when my kids tell me about their dreams and how they see themselves. I am so glad that he hasn't been put down by people and squelch his aspirations. I want them to dream big and reach for the stars more than anything. I feel like I am doing something right when they have a positive outlook on themselves and the world and do not apologize for living.

     I love to listen to my kids talk. Sometimes their imaginations amaze me. They can be brutally honest and harsh sometimes, but they have no ulterior motives.They are so innocent and have such pure hearts. I pray I can teach them to tell the truth with grace and tact. To never try to hurt someone else in order to look better to others. To love with no conditions and to always prefer others over themselves. To me, one of the most important things is to not retaliate when someone hurts you. It hurts my heart to see another child push one of their friends or speak harshly to them, so much more with adults. The only way we will have balanced adults is to have balanced children. If our children throw temper tantrums and are not disciplined, then they will continue to do so as adults. I love the stuff my children say in their innocence. I pray that innocence continues. The world and the people in it can be so hateful and harsh, but children are what gives us hope for a better tomorrow.

ME AND MY BIG MOUTH!!

  When I was younger I didn't get humor or sarcasm very well at all. I inherited that from my dad. As a young adult, I started catching on pretty good. Now, I am full of sarcasm and LOVE to make people laugh. Every once in a while, I will have a friend bring up something I said before I learned the art of sarcasm and figured out how to filter what I said. How embarrassing it is to hear some of those stories. I just cringe! Several of those instances got me in BIG trouble without even knowing it.

  Chloe's first Christmas Jayden was a little over two and she was 7 months. We literally spent $10 on each them. They always get spoiled with all of my family and I had found what suited them on sale. I said told one of my "friends" about it at a church I used to attend. I was very proud of that fact and had proclaimed I wouldn't buy them hundreds of dollars worth of toys for any occasion. I just knew how blessed we were at the sale and that they were young enough, it didn't matter. She then proceeded to go to my mother in-law (at the time) and ask her if we had enough money for food and presents for Christmas because I was telling everyone that we didn't have money. Me and my big mouth struck again! I had no idea that she would take it to the extreme. I thought I was being a thrifty wife and doing something good. Apparently not.

  Then, I was talking to another "friend" at this same church about our kids. Hers were grown but I was telling her how I hoped Jayden would look when he grew up. I described one of her sons and said he had a man's man physique. That is what I hoped for Jayden and I was hoping Chloe was shaped like her dad's side of the family because they were long and lean. That "friend" started the rumor that I "wanted her son" and I made comments about his body and how attractive he was.... Me and my big mouth got me into trouble AGAIN!! How does this keep happening?? By the way, her son looked like a tall, broad shouldered, bulldog. Just to clarify.

   I am that type of person that if asked for my opinion, I will tell you. I have learned to have tact and be diplomatic with my answers. There really isn't any guess work about me. Some people love that and others use that against me. I rarely ask for help. I like to do things on my own and have too much pride to seek help unless it involves my kids. The VERY few times I have asked for help, it was a disaster! I have been making 2014 my year. It has been a year since I made some life changing discoveries and will be a year since my divorce in a few weeks. I decided I would "risk" it and tell some "friends" about where I was at. I ended up taking their advice and getting into an absolute mess!! When I needed them the most, they wrote me off and I haven't heard from them since. I was standing beside all of my stuff in a building with no home and no where to go when how stupid I was to trust someone like that was. Me and my big mouth struck again!! This time, my need for a hand up spurred me on and I ended up getting a boot in the back end.

  Every once in a while, I get worried that my blog isn't being taken for what I want it to be used as. My desire is to HELP others. It is also to give me an outlet and a journal of this year. There is only so much I can write in a public forum without exposing or hurting some people. I try to filter things and say them in a good spirit. I try to display grace in the truth that I write. I could tell you the struggles I have been going through with family, ex's, step moms, ex in-laws, jobs or joblessness, personal struggles, dating, etc. In great detail. I have learned through my big mouth that I have to be careful what I reveal. There are those who add those golden nuggets up to use against me later. I have talked to a lot of people since the beginning of my divorce and have been able to help them through parts of my story. I share what I do not care is public knowledge. I do not use what is told to me as leverage later against someone or to discredit them when I see fit. I want this blog to lift up the Lord to others and let those who read it know they aren't alone in their daily struggles. It isn't for a gossip column or to try to convince the world I am something I am not. I am just as human as they come. Me and my big mouth get me into some fixes, but if writing about where I am or where I have been will help someone, I am willing to risk it. I am so thankful for those of you who have sent me messages of encouragement or written comments of how much my blog has helped you. I even have been told that some just love to read it because they feel like they are sitting on the couch with a friend. That is my goal. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it!!

PLEASE CHANGE

  Please change!! I have been in that place where I just wished and prayed and try to verbally motivate someone to change. I have been told that if I loved enough or was a better Christian, I could motivate them to change. Let me tell you now, that could not be further from the truth! You cannot MAKE someone change, love you or do the right thing. If that was possible, do you think Jesus would have had to leave Heaven and die on the cross for us? Really? So, we have more power than the Creator and the Savior? Not so much.

   I have done everything I could think of. I have read hundreds of books. I have counselled with people. I have asked those people that I didn't measure up to, what could I do to please them? None of it seems to matter. It didn't help. Do you want to know why I think it didn't help? When someone holds something against you or has a measuring stick up to your life with their phantom rules on it, there is nothing you can do to achieve that goal. Even if you did everything "right" it still wouldn't make them happy. They have not experienced or know unconditional love. It is not something that we are familiar with. They have a heart problem. It has nothing to do with you. Understanding the love of God is so foreign because we love with conditions. It takes effort to try to love t unconditionally. Most of the time, if someone has a conditional heart, they place those unattainable conditions on everyone but themselves. "The have eyes that will not see and ears that will not hear." To me, they have set themselves up as a god and demand things from the ones that are "inferior" to them. They demand allegiance but give nothing other than even more unrealistic expectations in return.

   Personally, I would rather please the Lord. If that conflicts with someone else's idea of who I should be, then that is no longer my problem. I love everyone, whether they are loveable or not. I have worked my whole life, and my whole marriage to gain people's approval. One of the best moments of my life was when I let other's opinions be just that, opinions. They are not guidelines for my life nor will they determine my happiness. I will not change for anyone but the Lord. I will not wear something that someone else wants me to wear because THEY think it determines my Christianity. I will not worship the Lord the way THEY say I need to worship Him. I will not raise my children the way THEY say I should. That is something the Lord and I will determine together. (Who are they and who cares what they say?) If He can hold the universe in its place and make a home in Heaven for me, surely He can help me be the person He wants me to be with no help from anyone else. I am a big girl. I do not need someone else's permission for anything. I do not need anyone's approval but God's.

   Finally, I prayed for understanding. I prayed that God would change MY heart. I didn't pray for God to change them. It works, I promise. I do have a limit with certain people. I cannot spend very much time with those people that are constantly criticism me, my decisions or my life. I can love them from a distance. There is nothing wrong with someone that does or believes differently than you do. They are just different. God made us all different. What a boring world would it be if we were all the same. I have yet to find anyone that can fit me into their "mold". I have yet to find a mold that works for me. I try to be the best me I can be. There is only one me. I believe I should be the best me that you know.

   Change isn't a bad thing unless you wish it on other people. May your life be full of change. Good changes that shape and mold you into the person God created you to be. 

TOUCHED AGAIN

  As I sat in the service and heard the Preacher read in Luke about the blind man being touched again, it's as if my mind went on a trip into the past that happened within a few minutes. I saw myself at several different crossroads and I also saw where God was preparing me to be "touched again". I saw myself sitting in my car with the children in the back seat being asked to leave for good. I remember thinking if I could just record what was happening, no one would believe it unless they saw it. I remember feeling so lost and discouraged that I started looking for trouble and being so very angry and bitter. Then, I fast forwarded a space in time and saw myself talking to my friends and telling them I wasn't sure if I did everything in my power for my marriage. Quickly my mind switched to another place and I saw myself sitting in a restaurant saying, this is what's up. Here is the game plan and this is what we should do regardless of any indiscretions of any sort. We owe it to our children. I felt the pain as I saw myself crying for him as he was away with the military and thinking I had lived through a miracle. Then, it came. The vision of me sitting at the computer looking at evidence I wasn't even sure existed. There it was right in front of me. a few days later, I received a letter in the mail. This letter altered my world even more than the discovery did. I know now that what I did determined if I felt that touch. I could feel the sudden ache all over of what that letter did to me. It was a 5 page, typed instrument of blame and anger. I had felt for years that what was said in that letter was sitting dormant in that person but was told repeatedly it wasn't so. It was if my eyes feasted on the accusations and I couldn't look away. I sat there and cried until I was sick. I called my Pastor and asked him what to do, how to feel, why was this happening too?
  He told me that if he took to heart every letter that came across his desk, he would never preach. He said to see if there is any truth to it. If there is, change it. If not, don't worry about it. You cannot be responsible for others assumptions and feelings. Later that night, I wrote a letter that was 12 pages long and I was still going. I stopped, started rereading it and tore it up. I waited a few days and prayed and cried and was angry and then I took a deep breath and with as much grace and compassion as I could muster, I typed a letter in return. I didn't refute anything or defend myself. I simply apologized for being a part of her holding that anger for so long. There was one truth in the letter and I also apologized sincerely for that as well. I realized that she would never see the Lord as I did. She would always have a ruler in her pocket that she felt like represented the Lord. I grieved for her and what she would probably never know as I responded. I read it to a very few family and friends and made sure it sounded the way I was hoping it did. I signed, sealed and mailed it. I felt as if the weight of 11 years had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt new. I actually FELT. I thought I would be numb for a long time, but my heart was released and my mind was unchained from the guilt and accusations that had been swirling inside. I was FREE. The lie that ended up being my marriage, didn't even register at that moment because I was FREE.
  It was then, that I realized I was touched again and now the "men didn't look like trees" I could see "all men clearly". I was given a second sight! There is absolutely nothing I can think of that felt better than that realization.
  Since this "second touch" I have been able to see the world through new eyes. I do not see things the same way I did. I do not respond to situations the way I used to. I am not perfect and the life I had "before" still is there but I do not let my past determine my future. I walked through life blind in a lot of ways, that time can never be recovered, but the time I have remaining will not be wasted. My vision is clear. I can not only forgive but try to find the positive behind the loss. I see the Lord differently. I see my children differently and I definitely see my future differently. Jesus gave me that second touch and I received it in faith. That gift was not without sacrifice for Him and myself. It wasn't received without tears of hurt, anger doubt and then acceptance. It was given out of love and received with such. The world can be dark, ugly, scary and lonely. Sometimes you have to look for the beauty but it is there. First, you must be willing to receive the touch. Then, you must be willing to use the vision God gives you for Him and know your life will never be the same.

STEP-MOMS AND EX IN-LAWS

  There are many times I realize that my life has changed forever. As a divorced woman, those times come more often when I am around my ex, his wife or my ex in-laws. It is disconcerting to know that I am not the only "woman" in my kids life. I am not the only one who gives pep talks at games or snaps pictures when they aren't paying attention. I am not the only person who tucks them in at night. I am not the only one that reviews homework and plays tickle games anymore. It is not always the easiest thing. One thing that I keep reminding myself is that I am glad that they have their grandparents to love them and  their step-mom will be able to offer them something that I cannot. No one will ever replace me.
   There is nothing I can do about not being there when their dad has them. There is nothing I can do about the differences in households, but I can have a good attitude about it. When their dad and step-mom isn't around, I support them. When the chlidren have a problem with the "other parents" I make sure that I have a good understanding of what the problem is, talk them through it and then let the "other parents" know what was said on both sides so they can be prepared when the occasion arises. I had to realize, it isn't about me or what I want or what I am comfortable with. It is about the children and what is best for them. A united front between the parents is the best thing. I have to know what I can do to make that happen and then put it into play.

   Don't think for one second it isn't frustrating. Don't think that I am skipping among the tulips and singing to the butterflies and excited about this new venture all the time. Uh, no. It has it's challenges and frustrations. If the communication is one sided, then it is very frustrating. In order to keep my sanity, I have to do what I know is right and what will make my life easier and hang the rest. My kids need to see me keep my cool when an explosion would be warranted. They need to know that life doesn't always go as plan, but you adjust. This is part of my adjustment. This is part of my learning experience. I want my kids to be able to see me at any time, read any document, message or letter and see that I practiced what I preached. It was never about me. From the moment I found out that I was expecting each baby, it quit being about me. If others didn't follow suit, it is on them.

  My goal isn't to see their step-mom fail or not do a good job. If she asks for my advice about the kids, I tell her something that she doesn't know in a way that doesn't belittle her. She is new at this. She married into a ready made family. It isn't an easy job or an easy family to marry into. I want the best for my kids so I have given her some heads up on them when she asked and it made it much easier for both of us. What purpose would it serve to begrudge information? What if it made her look bad? But wouldn't that hurt the kids in the long run if she wasn't doing what she needed to? So what, their grandparents do not like me? Would it serve a purpose to try to turn them against people that love them? All that would do is make them choose between us. More than likely, the one that dishes the dirt is the one that ends up muddy. Everything works for the good with the right attitude. I am not pretending that it is all glamorous and I don't have to calm myself before I get into a public situation. I guess I am saying that I need to continue to look on the positive side and show my kids by example to make the best of a not so ideal situation.

  What happens when they have a situation at school or on the ball team and you are trying to instruct them on how to act? Will they think back and how I lost my temper or bashed the people who aren't in favor of me? Or will they see that I have had a positive attitude even when no one would have faulted me for giving them a piece of my mind? How do I want them to act in a "bad" situation? How do I want them to treat someone that it is hard to see them succeed? That is the point. You cannot ever tell a child to do as you say not as you do. It doesn't work. What you say is not always said with your mouth. What you say with your actions will impact them for years to come. I pray that everything I say with my mouth and my actions teaches my children in a way that would glorify God and represent our family name in a honorable way.

PARENTHOOD

  I remember when I discovered I wanted to start a family. It was very unlike me at all. Growing up, I was a tomboy. I believed I was Calamity Jane. When we went to a rodeo or I played outside, I wore my cowgirl outfit with boots, spurs, a vest with a star, a fringed skirt (or jean), a cowgirl hat and a trick rope that I got after hearing "The Sons of Tennessee" sing at a rodeo we attended. I would ride my bike with one leg thrown over the bar and sing to the top of my lungs some of the music from the "Calamity Jane" movie starring Doris Day. I was her. I didn't have a horse but I dreamed about one every day. I named it and in my mind we were closer than any human I knew. I was a cowgirl. I had a cowboy "Barbie" and an Indian Barbie. I also played with my monkey instead of dolls. My sister blackmailed me into playing house with her but other than that, tomboy all the way. I made up stories and read books in my inside time. Otherwise, you could find me outside.

  When I was engaged, I remember thinking,"What now?" I never dreamed of my wedding or having kids. I had a timeline of my life and just knew that is how it would work. For sure I wouldn't be 19 and married. But, that is how it went. When I came to the realization that I wanted children, I really wasn't sure what I would do with a baby, I just knew I wanted children. I ended up getting pregnant and being completely surprised and so excited. I got books upon books and read the science behind the pregnancy. I read about raising babies to children and from children to adults. I read about the discipline and the training. I saw the differences that each book had in the tactics of raising kids. I talked to countless friends and strangers about their pregnancies and children. I had no idea what to expect. I always gravitated towards little boys, their clothes and anything else that related to them. I wanted a house full of boys. When I got home from the hospital, I can remember wanting everyone out of my house and I wanted to start being super mom without a crowd. I called my mom every day with questions or concerns. I wore out many books and tired out many listening ear. I remember telling myself with both children, "If I can get through the first 6 weeks, I can do anything." Then, when I hit that milestone, I thought about making it to a year, then two, then three and before long time passed without much thought. Every stage, every milestone, every lesson learned was logged into my mind and I cherished every second. I still do.

  Parenthood isn't what you think it will be. At some point everyone thinks they can do it better than their parents did. At some point, all that was thought about was the ribbons and bows and the itty bitty shoes and pants. All that was planned for was the birth day. At some point, we all knew our children would be destined to perfect because our invisible children were saints. Then, the babies came. That first day my son was born, I literally ached when we were a part. I asked the nurses to bring him to me as soon as possible. He slept in my arms the entire time we were at the hospital. I had never been so tired in my life but I couldn't sleep without him with me. When we got home, no one told me how loud babies were in their sleep. By day 2 he was in his own crib in his own room. I prayed over him every night for the Lord's protection and went to my bed exhausted and knowing his cry will wake me in a few short hours. I would nurse him and catch myself falling asleep. When we went through a few weeks of tummy troubles, my lips were chapped from shushing and singing and my back ached all the time from crouching and swaying. My arms had permanent cramps in them from patting a little bottom and cradling my sweet baby and trying to take away the belly ache. Then, with my daughter, I had to exercise control as I taught her to pacify herself and that mommy wasn't going to pick her up when she didn't want to go to bed or she decided to cry instead of sleep. We went from learning to smile, to learning to laugh, to learning to roll over, to learning to sit up, to learning to crawling, to learning to walk and then it jumped to Kindergarten graduation. I really do not believe I was adequately warned how fast they grow up.

  Parenthood to me now, is the greatest learning experience and God given teaching tool that I know of. God has taught me of his unconditional love through my children. I know that my kids will disappoint me. I know they will disobey but I do not love them less. I know that I will have to discipline them when they do wrong, but I would still give my life for them. If anything, I love them more for their humanity. They have taught me grace. They have seen me make mistakes and love me anyway. They know I am not perfect and they forgive me for it. They have shown me what love should be. They have made me be better than I would have been if they weren't around. You mess up but still get bountiful rewards for just being yourself. You pray that your children won't be exactly like you and have a better life than you could have ever imagined, just for them to have your personality or say they want to be like you when they grow up. It is full of hard decisions and sleepless nights and no matter how old they get, that never changes.

  I have never been so thankful for anything in my life as I am for being a mom. My kids represent my piece of Heaven on earth. At times, I feel like I should totally get a trophy and other times I feel like an absolute failure. Sometimes, I cannot wait for their bedtime just for me to miss them while they are asleep. I look forward to them getting home from school and some days they start complaining as soon as they walk in the door. Sometimes, I feel like their halo should be visible and some days, I am sure my children were replaced with little monsters that resemble my children, but act nothing like them.

  I love being a mom. I have had to make some of the hardest decisions  I have ever made for the sake of my children. I have had some of the longest nights apart from them. I have slept on the floor or by their side counting the seconds in between each breath. I have danced around my car waiting to pick them up from a week with their dad. I love it all. Every hard thing, every fun thing, every disappointment, every lesson, every hug, every kiss, every day with my children has been the best day ever. Parenthood is where I belong.   Parenthood is chaos and fun. Parenthood is the hardest job you will ever have but the most rewarding. It is taxing and makes you doubt yourself all the time. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart.