PARENTHOOD

  I remember when I discovered I wanted to start a family. It was very unlike me at all. Growing up, I was a tomboy. I believed I was Calamity Jane. When we went to a rodeo or I played outside, I wore my cowgirl outfit with boots, spurs, a vest with a star, a fringed skirt (or jean), a cowgirl hat and a trick rope that I got after hearing "The Sons of Tennessee" sing at a rodeo we attended. I would ride my bike with one leg thrown over the bar and sing to the top of my lungs some of the music from the "Calamity Jane" movie starring Doris Day. I was her. I didn't have a horse but I dreamed about one every day. I named it and in my mind we were closer than any human I knew. I was a cowgirl. I had a cowboy "Barbie" and an Indian Barbie. I also played with my monkey instead of dolls. My sister blackmailed me into playing house with her but other than that, tomboy all the way. I made up stories and read books in my inside time. Otherwise, you could find me outside.

  When I was engaged, I remember thinking,"What now?" I never dreamed of my wedding or having kids. I had a timeline of my life and just knew that is how it would work. For sure I wouldn't be 19 and married. But, that is how it went. When I came to the realization that I wanted children, I really wasn't sure what I would do with a baby, I just knew I wanted children. I ended up getting pregnant and being completely surprised and so excited. I got books upon books and read the science behind the pregnancy. I read about raising babies to children and from children to adults. I read about the discipline and the training. I saw the differences that each book had in the tactics of raising kids. I talked to countless friends and strangers about their pregnancies and children. I had no idea what to expect. I always gravitated towards little boys, their clothes and anything else that related to them. I wanted a house full of boys. When I got home from the hospital, I can remember wanting everyone out of my house and I wanted to start being super mom without a crowd. I called my mom every day with questions or concerns. I wore out many books and tired out many listening ear. I remember telling myself with both children, "If I can get through the first 6 weeks, I can do anything." Then, when I hit that milestone, I thought about making it to a year, then two, then three and before long time passed without much thought. Every stage, every milestone, every lesson learned was logged into my mind and I cherished every second. I still do.

  Parenthood isn't what you think it will be. At some point everyone thinks they can do it better than their parents did. At some point, all that was thought about was the ribbons and bows and the itty bitty shoes and pants. All that was planned for was the birth day. At some point, we all knew our children would be destined to perfect because our invisible children were saints. Then, the babies came. That first day my son was born, I literally ached when we were a part. I asked the nurses to bring him to me as soon as possible. He slept in my arms the entire time we were at the hospital. I had never been so tired in my life but I couldn't sleep without him with me. When we got home, no one told me how loud babies were in their sleep. By day 2 he was in his own crib in his own room. I prayed over him every night for the Lord's protection and went to my bed exhausted and knowing his cry will wake me in a few short hours. I would nurse him and catch myself falling asleep. When we went through a few weeks of tummy troubles, my lips were chapped from shushing and singing and my back ached all the time from crouching and swaying. My arms had permanent cramps in them from patting a little bottom and cradling my sweet baby and trying to take away the belly ache. Then, with my daughter, I had to exercise control as I taught her to pacify herself and that mommy wasn't going to pick her up when she didn't want to go to bed or she decided to cry instead of sleep. We went from learning to smile, to learning to laugh, to learning to roll over, to learning to sit up, to learning to crawling, to learning to walk and then it jumped to Kindergarten graduation. I really do not believe I was adequately warned how fast they grow up.

  Parenthood to me now, is the greatest learning experience and God given teaching tool that I know of. God has taught me of his unconditional love through my children. I know that my kids will disappoint me. I know they will disobey but I do not love them less. I know that I will have to discipline them when they do wrong, but I would still give my life for them. If anything, I love them more for their humanity. They have taught me grace. They have seen me make mistakes and love me anyway. They know I am not perfect and they forgive me for it. They have shown me what love should be. They have made me be better than I would have been if they weren't around. You mess up but still get bountiful rewards for just being yourself. You pray that your children won't be exactly like you and have a better life than you could have ever imagined, just for them to have your personality or say they want to be like you when they grow up. It is full of hard decisions and sleepless nights and no matter how old they get, that never changes.

  I have never been so thankful for anything in my life as I am for being a mom. My kids represent my piece of Heaven on earth. At times, I feel like I should totally get a trophy and other times I feel like an absolute failure. Sometimes, I cannot wait for their bedtime just for me to miss them while they are asleep. I look forward to them getting home from school and some days they start complaining as soon as they walk in the door. Sometimes, I feel like their halo should be visible and some days, I am sure my children were replaced with little monsters that resemble my children, but act nothing like them.

  I love being a mom. I have had to make some of the hardest decisions  I have ever made for the sake of my children. I have had some of the longest nights apart from them. I have slept on the floor or by their side counting the seconds in between each breath. I have danced around my car waiting to pick them up from a week with their dad. I love it all. Every hard thing, every fun thing, every disappointment, every lesson, every hug, every kiss, every day with my children has been the best day ever. Parenthood is where I belong.   Parenthood is chaos and fun. Parenthood is the hardest job you will ever have but the most rewarding. It is taxing and makes you doubt yourself all the time. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart.