I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW

   You may not agree with me, and that is okay. I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to be confused. It is okay to not know what you want. It is okay to not know where to go from here. It is okay. There is no time limit on growth. There is no time limit on finding out what you want to do for the rest of your life.

   I grew up in a strict Independent Fundamental Baptist Pastor's home. The first time I was asked what I wanted to do was after my kids were born and I was without a husband. My life had been planned from a very early age. After I was married my life was centered around my husband and what he wanted. Then, the children came and from the moment I knew that it would never be about me again.

    What do I want out of life? Where do I want to live? Where do I want to go to church? What do I want to do for work? What are my goals? Where do I see myself in 5 years? Where do I want my children to attend school? What is the ultimate goal I want for them in their schooling? How much do I want to duplicate my childhood for them? Who do I want to date? Who will be the best for me AND the children?

   I could sit here and write questions until my fingers cramp. There is so much to figure out. There are so many pivotal decisions that need to be made. It isn't like I can share the responsibility of those decisions with anyone. It is on me. What I decide, I have to fight for. I get pushed one way or another by a multitude of people all of the time. I am the one that has to live with the consequences of my decisions, just me. My children will have to live with the results. I had someone tell me the other day, I don't know what I want. That was true a few weeks ago. Today, I have found that I am being pointed in a specific direction. This time it isn't because of a guy, friend, or someone that seems they know more about my situation than I do. I believe the Lord is guiding me. Once I have quieted my doubts and the helpful suggestions by others, I feel a pull that isn't me pushing something to happen.
 
    I have conflicted with some people in my journey. I have vented to very close friends that wouldn't use my frustration against me. I have also chosen poorly and vented to friends that did just that. It doesn't mean that I am going to turn on them the way they did me. It just means that I have learned a very valuable lesson in my journey. Those whose vision is distorted towards everyone else, will be distorted towards me as well. The conflict doesn't make me any less determined and I don't sit for hours at my computer writing out all the wrongs that I felt were done towards me or refuting their inaccurate stories. It is okay to have different opinions. It is okay to have people that don't like me. Truthfully, I do not like everyone I meet or get to know better either. It isn't just one person, couple or family that have conflicted with the way I see things or the way they see things. It is okay to see the world differently. I believe if you are a true Christian you can have a conflict or difference of opinion and not try to destroy how the world sees that person just because they rubbed you the wrong way.

    The questions I have to get answered and the conflicts that I have had along the way just makes for an action packed life. I have learned that life unfolds one moment, step and path at a time. It will not be all mapped out for me. There will not be a right and wrong to some of those questions but the answer that I choose will have definite results. For now, I know I am okay. I know the direction I am going and I pray every step of the way for God to shut a door if it isn't meant for me to go through it. His approval is all I need. He loves me quirks and all. I don't have to be perfect or always make good decisions for Him to love me. That is such a wonderful feeling! Perfection isn't in my future. I do what I know I need to do for today and don't even think about tomorrow. I can make it a day at a time.

I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW

I don't know about tomorrow

I just live from day to day

And I don't borrow from the sunshine

'Cause the skies might turn to gray

And I don't worry about the future

'Cause I know what Jesus said

And today I'm gonna walk right beside Him

'Cause He's the one who knows what is ahead

There are things about tomorrow

That I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand

And each step is getting brighter

As the golden stairs I climb

And every burden is getting lighter

And all the clouds, their silver line

And over there the sun, it's always shining

There no tears will ever dim the eye

And the ending of the rainbow

Where the mountains, they touch the sky