TOUCHED AGAIN

  As I sat in the service and heard the Preacher read in Luke about the blind man being touched again, it's as if my mind went on a trip into the past that happened within a few minutes. I saw myself at several different crossroads and I also saw where God was preparing me to be "touched again". I saw myself sitting in my car with the children in the back seat being asked to leave for good. I remember thinking if I could just record what was happening, no one would believe it unless they saw it. I remember feeling so lost and discouraged that I started looking for trouble and being so very angry and bitter. Then, I fast forwarded a space in time and saw myself talking to my friends and telling them I wasn't sure if I did everything in my power for my marriage. Quickly my mind switched to another place and I saw myself sitting in a restaurant saying, this is what's up. Here is the game plan and this is what we should do regardless of any indiscretions of any sort. We owe it to our children. I felt the pain as I saw myself crying for him as he was away with the military and thinking I had lived through a miracle. Then, it came. The vision of me sitting at the computer looking at evidence I wasn't even sure existed. There it was right in front of me. a few days later, I received a letter in the mail. This letter altered my world even more than the discovery did. I know now that what I did determined if I felt that touch. I could feel the sudden ache all over of what that letter did to me. It was a 5 page, typed instrument of blame and anger. I had felt for years that what was said in that letter was sitting dormant in that person but was told repeatedly it wasn't so. It was if my eyes feasted on the accusations and I couldn't look away. I sat there and cried until I was sick. I called my Pastor and asked him what to do, how to feel, why was this happening too?
  He told me that if he took to heart every letter that came across his desk, he would never preach. He said to see if there is any truth to it. If there is, change it. If not, don't worry about it. You cannot be responsible for others assumptions and feelings. Later that night, I wrote a letter that was 12 pages long and I was still going. I stopped, started rereading it and tore it up. I waited a few days and prayed and cried and was angry and then I took a deep breath and with as much grace and compassion as I could muster, I typed a letter in return. I didn't refute anything or defend myself. I simply apologized for being a part of her holding that anger for so long. There was one truth in the letter and I also apologized sincerely for that as well. I realized that she would never see the Lord as I did. She would always have a ruler in her pocket that she felt like represented the Lord. I grieved for her and what she would probably never know as I responded. I read it to a very few family and friends and made sure it sounded the way I was hoping it did. I signed, sealed and mailed it. I felt as if the weight of 11 years had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt new. I actually FELT. I thought I would be numb for a long time, but my heart was released and my mind was unchained from the guilt and accusations that had been swirling inside. I was FREE. The lie that ended up being my marriage, didn't even register at that moment because I was FREE.
  It was then, that I realized I was touched again and now the "men didn't look like trees" I could see "all men clearly". I was given a second sight! There is absolutely nothing I can think of that felt better than that realization.
  Since this "second touch" I have been able to see the world through new eyes. I do not see things the same way I did. I do not respond to situations the way I used to. I am not perfect and the life I had "before" still is there but I do not let my past determine my future. I walked through life blind in a lot of ways, that time can never be recovered, but the time I have remaining will not be wasted. My vision is clear. I can not only forgive but try to find the positive behind the loss. I see the Lord differently. I see my children differently and I definitely see my future differently. Jesus gave me that second touch and I received it in faith. That gift was not without sacrifice for Him and myself. It wasn't received without tears of hurt, anger doubt and then acceptance. It was given out of love and received with such. The world can be dark, ugly, scary and lonely. Sometimes you have to look for the beauty but it is there. First, you must be willing to receive the touch. Then, you must be willing to use the vision God gives you for Him and know your life will never be the same.