There are many times I realize that my life has changed forever. As a divorced woman, those times come more often when I am around my ex, his wife or my ex in-laws. It is disconcerting to know that I am not the only "woman" in my kids life. I am not the only one who gives pep talks at games or snaps pictures when they aren't paying attention. I am not the only person who tucks them in at night. I am not the only one that reviews homework and plays tickle games anymore. It is not always the easiest thing. One thing that I keep reminding myself is that I am glad that they have their grandparents to love them and their step-mom will be able to offer them something that I cannot. No one will ever replace me.
There is nothing I can do about not being there when their dad has them. There is nothing I can do about the differences in households, but I can have a good attitude about it. When their dad and step-mom isn't around, I support them. When the chlidren have a problem with the "other parents" I make sure that I have a good understanding of what the problem is, talk them through it and then let the "other parents" know what was said on both sides so they can be prepared when the occasion arises. I had to realize, it isn't about me or what I want or what I am comfortable with. It is about the children and what is best for them. A united front between the parents is the best thing. I have to know what I can do to make that happen and then put it into play.
Don't think for one second it isn't frustrating. Don't think that I am skipping among the tulips and singing to the butterflies and excited about this new venture all the time. Uh, no. It has it's challenges and frustrations. If the communication is one sided, then it is very frustrating. In order to keep my sanity, I have to do what I know is right and what will make my life easier and hang the rest. My kids need to see me keep my cool when an explosion would be warranted. They need to know that life doesn't always go as plan, but you adjust. This is part of my adjustment. This is part of my learning experience. I want my kids to be able to see me at any time, read any document, message or letter and see that I practiced what I preached. It was never about me. From the moment I found out that I was expecting each baby, it quit being about me. If others didn't follow suit, it is on them.
My goal isn't to see their step-mom fail or not do a good job. If she asks for my advice about the kids, I tell her something that she doesn't know in a way that doesn't belittle her. She is new at this. She married into a ready made family. It isn't an easy job or an easy family to marry into. I want the best for my kids so I have given her some heads up on them when she asked and it made it much easier for both of us. What purpose would it serve to begrudge information? What if it made her look bad? But wouldn't that hurt the kids in the long run if she wasn't doing what she needed to? So what, their grandparents do not like me? Would it serve a purpose to try to turn them against people that love them? All that would do is make them choose between us. More than likely, the one that dishes the dirt is the one that ends up muddy. Everything works for the good with the right attitude. I am not pretending that it is all glamorous and I don't have to calm myself before I get into a public situation. I guess I am saying that I need to continue to look on the positive side and show my kids by example to make the best of a not so ideal situation.
What happens when they have a situation at school or on the ball team and you are trying to instruct them on how to act? Will they think back and how I lost my temper or bashed the people who aren't in favor of me? Or will they see that I have had a positive attitude even when no one would have faulted me for giving them a piece of my mind? How do I want them to act in a "bad" situation? How do I want them to treat someone that it is hard to see them succeed? That is the point. You cannot ever tell a child to do as you say not as you do. It doesn't work. What you say is not always said with your mouth. What you say with your actions will impact them for years to come. I pray that everything I say with my mouth and my actions teaches my children in a way that would glorify God and represent our family name in a honorable way.
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