GOD'S GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR....YOU.

   How many times have we quoted that "My grace is sufficient for you."? How many times have you told someone else that? We all believe it when we tell people that God's grace is sufficient for them. Here is where I stopped in my tracks. I believe it 100%, with everything that is in me that God has and gives us His amazing grace everyday. I do. What I found that I believe or didn't realize I believed, that His grace is sufficient for everyone else, but me. That sounds horrible. I know it does. I have told people of God's grace and God's love so many times, but what is so hard for me to grasp is that he has grace and love for ME. Not just my friends, church family, preacher, etc. He has it all and wants to give it all to ME.
   I have talked to many of you and tried to help you in any way I can. I have seen marriages put back together, women who were falling apart become so strong and determined, men who were at their wits end with their situations find hope. I am not crediting all of that to me but I would hope I had a part in their encouragement. I have a good grasp on spiritual things. I have a relationship with God. I know Bible verses and have had some personal experience with the Lord showing Himself to me. I "get" it, I really do.
   Here I am, telling everyone these things and I am not even listening to my own words. I do not apply them to me. God will show up when you least expect Him. God will never let you starve. God will speak to you, you just need to make sure your are listening. I have said it. I have experienced it. It just seems like, after so much that you quit believing it for yourself.
   I have never doubting the existence of God. The thought of Him being here since before time began, and knows everything seems completely illogical. On the flip side, it makes perfect sense. Once I asked Jesus into my hear to save me, I never doubted my salvation. It's just ironic to me that I believe He is God enough to "keep" my salvation but not God enough to take care of me. Think about it. How many times do we pray and "give" our problems to the Lord, just to turn around and be worrying ourselves over it a few minutes later? How many times do we try to make our own way because He hasn't "shown up" yet?
   I love my son just as much as I love my daughter. There are things about them that I love, that the other one doesn't posses. I love them equally. Sometimes, I feel closer to one than the other and then it changes again. I believe that we are made in Christ image and He feels the same way about us. If God can do ___ for ____, he can do it for me. Where I think we mess up is comparing our lives to someone else. We are different people. Just like I love certain things about one child that other doesn't posses. There are things that God knows we need because we have or don't have something in us or in our lives. We cannot expect to have everything the same as the next person. Just like buying presents for your kids. You may have a $100 budget. One may get a large present and a couple small things. The other may have a lot of smaller gifts. You spent the $100 on both, but with their perception, they may think the other one got more or a better gift, etc. It is the same with us, I believe. God loves us equally but gives us what we need at different levels, times and "costs" as He would one of His other children.
   The love is the same. The grace is the same. He is the same. It is us that are different. We perceive time and what He give to us in a different way than God does. How do we expect to think that same that He does, when we don't even have the whole picture?
  God's grace is sufficient for me. His love is the "same" for each one of His children. It doesn't matter what we go through, what we lack, what we don't have or need, He loves us. Period. There is nothing you can do to earn His love and approval. He gives it freely. There is nothing I can do. I am just as capable of receiving something from the Lord as anyone else. Just because I do not feel worthy doesn't make God any less likely to lavish me with His favour.
   I thank the Lord that He loves unconditionally. Even if I do not feel Him near, or hear His voice, I know He is there. My own worries drown out His voice. My own pain fills my ears that I cannot even hear Him speaking to my heart. He is there. I know that He is there.

  "I've been through enough to know He will be enough for me."

THE JOURNEY (part 2)

 THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING

  When our journey began, everything was exciting. We were unsure of where our path split off so we were very intent and careful, reading the map, looking for the blazes and teaching everyone what to look for on the way. The kids were prattling on about each little bug, flower and rock they saw. They felt like they were prepared for this trip. For a few weeks before, I had been walking 2-4 miles several times a week to try to prepare for the excursion. I felt like I was as prepared as I was going to be. Honestly, I was a little wary of the kids coming. Five miles is a long way for a kid. I was tired at the end of it, I couldn't imagine how a child with even shorter legs than mine would feel. I knew I would be in "mommy mode". I wouldn't be okay with listening to complaining or anything like that. This was my much needed getaway. I wanted it to go off without a hitch and them make it pleasant. They had been warned that this was my birthday trip and I invited them to come. Because of it being my weekend, there would be no fighting, whining or anything related to negativity. Period. 

   Obviously, I can be a talker. I didn't speak as much as I usually do. I was taking it all in: the company, the other conversations, the feeling of hiking up the ridge, the noises and smells. I was so excited about the trip when I first found out about it. There had been a lot going on in between then and the present that sent me into a funk. I didn't want to go. There had been forecasts of thunderstorms and who wants to get caught out in the middle of a thunderstorm with two kids in tow, in the middle of nowhere? 

   I wish I could adequately describe where my head was at the beginning of the trip. I had another big disappointment before our journey began and then a let down on top of it. It just hurt. I hurt. I wanted to be left alone to sulk and feel broken, abandoned, unloved, undesired and miserable. But, here I was at the beginning of a 5 mile adventure, listening to children prattle on and acting like they would be able to maintain a ridiculous pace the entire trip. We had went about 100 yards and I heard, "I'm hungry. Can I have a snack?" Yep. This is going to be interesting. 

   I was able to watch my mom and her husband on this trip. In a way, it hurt to see how happy they were. I was selfish in wishing I had that happiness. In another way, I continued to flash back to a time where I described the man mom would meet. She can tell you, I nailed it. He isn't perfect, but he is for her. He isn't my dad, but I seek his advice a lot. My kids and I hang on his every word. He is a balanced man and Christian. God has richly blessed our family when he brought my mom's husband into it. It brought me back to me, of course. We talked of the various people I have dated. Each having good qualities but none being exactly what I needed. I feel that it is possible to find someone that is my "match" I just haven't found him yet. Since cloning mom's husband isn't an option...I will have to continue on. 

   You know that I compare my life to a lot of the things that I see. Here we were on this trail, beginning a journey, armed with snacks, water, good shoes, light clothes and any necessities we would need that night. The kids felt like this would be like a walk in the trails by the park. Little did they know, there would be almost every kind of woodsy terrain you could think of. There were stone steps, bridges to cross, gravels, leaves, mud, wood walkways, roots and rocks. It was beautiful but there were some scraped legs, twisted ankles and stubbed toes before it was over. There were twists and turns, inclines and downgrades. It was a great trail and we had a really neat place to stay that night. It was peaceful and serene. 

   My heart still felt opened and kind of raw. My emotions were everywhere. That funk just had a tight grip on me. That night, I had a hard time sleeping. I hadn't really enjoyed the surroundings as much as I thought I would. I just had a longing in my heart that would not go away. The next day, my son was about to come out of his skin in anticipation of going back down. My daughter discovered she didn't like to hike. Her legs were in agreement with her. The trek down was very different. Mom had twisted her knee the day before and was not only stiff but in a lot of pain. She became a cross country skier and we were the commentators as she crossed "hurdles" and mile markers with the "tenacity" rarely seen". We made up stories and told funny stories on our way back. I still felt in a fog, but watching the kids respond to the interaction was intriguing. They voted me the best story teller. My ego needed that. My concern for mom overcame my concern for myself. I talked to her and tried to keep her distracted as well. It took us a little longer with a 5 mile hike the day before still lingering and an injury. 

   By the end of the trail, we were all feeling like we had been on the wagon train for months. It was great overall, but tired, didn't begin to cover it. I knew that as soon as we reached the cars again and grabbed a much needed bite to eat, I would be meeting the step-mom and my kids would be gone for another week. In a way, I was ready for solitary confinement, but in another way, somehow over the past 2 days, it felt like we were closer. The closer I got to the meeting place, the more the tears pooled in my eyes. I was almost to the sobbing point when we pulled into the parking lot. 

   After the dreaded drop off had taken place I had realized that I was in the town my dad used to pastor my senior year in high school. I decided I would take a walk down memory lane........

THE LITTLE VICTORIES (part 1)

  This past weekend I went on a hike. We hiked 5 miles to a lodge, stayed the night and hiked 5 miles back. To avid hikers, it would have been a breeze and record times could have been set. To a group of 5 with 2 kids, it took us a little while. Little legs were tired and tummies were growling, wanting real food, not just snacks.
   I had been in a funk the entire week before. I was verging on ill/frustrated the entire week. Normally, it takes me a day to snap out of it. Lately, I have been so tired that it has taken me a little longer to come back to a good mind set. As we started our journey, everyone was excited and talking nonstop. The kids were getting ahead of us and we were trudging along at a steady pace. As the path got narrower and steeper, the group was quit. The longer we went, the less likely running ahead was happening. The more tired everyone was, the more we had to  think outside ourselves to come up with things to talk about to keep the kids distracted from their tired legs and aching feet.
   My mom had read a book called "South bound-The barefoot sisters" It was a book telling of 2 sisters that hiked the Appalachian trail barefoot. So, being the daredevils we are, we decided to see if we could hike barefoot as well. We started at the 2 mile marker. Mom didn't go the entire 3 miles but she did go quit far. I went 3 miles there and then the next day went the entire 5 miles back, barefoot.
   For me, the hike was healing. I was outside, in the woods, two of my favorite things. Everywhere I looked there was luscious green leaves, beautiful trees, some flowering plants, and birds singing just out of view. There were frigid creeks that gurgled happily as we past by or took a moment to soak sore feet. The trail was peaceful. We passed hikers periodically that were would pass us going to or from and just smiling as they trudge on. The entire time we were on the hike, we didn't pass one person that was ill or mean. Everyone wore a smile and each person looked as if they were walking away from their stress and burdens they carry daily. As they lifted their hiking gear onto their backs, they cares of their life were put aside. That ten pound pack didn't feel near as heavy as what we carry every day.
   I am hooked. I love to hike. I am already planning another hike and my calves are still a little sore from my journey. When you hike barefoot, you use different muscles. It was a small accomplishment and to some, quite a silly one. I felt victorious. I had walked through a horrible patch of holly leaves, rocks, stones, leaves and wonderful cold and gooey mud. I had walked over roots that would hit the arch of your foot and make you see stars. I had walked on no matter what was in front of me. I kept an awesome pace and didn't lag behind. I did it. It was only 5 miles compared to the Appalachian trail but it was my victory.
   Lately, I have needed a victory, even if it is a small one. I needed to feel like I could accomplish something. Something, no matter how small was in my control. Honestly, my feet were not sore. For maybe an hour, I could feel the little gravels, that were at the beginning/ending of the trail, still piercing my feet. After that, I was not sore at all. Now my calves have taken a couple days to not be stiff and sore. A wise man told s on the trail, "Pain is weakness leaving your body."
   Our little family adventure showed me a lot about each one of us. It also showed me that on any journey, having good company is crucial. Whether it is a hike or in life, being with people that can get you through sore feet, a twisted knee, a funky week, is beyond important. As we each pulled our hiking packs on, we took off the load we carry everyday. We became hikers. We were no longer, tellers, students, etc, we were just everyday hikers walking towards a goal. It didn't matter what was going on outside of the woods or even off the trail. What mattered was their was tea, lemonade and cookies waiting for us at the end of our trail. It was the small victories as we saw each mile marker. It was the stories that were spun and the last mile of the hike being turned into an enchanted tale as we tried to keep a little 7 year old's mind busy. The small victories add up to a huge achievement. I needed to feel like I did something. I needed to see the tenacity of my kids. I needed to have the company I had on the trail. I needed a victory and a victory is what I had.

  There are many more stories to come from this little adventure of ours......

WHY PRETEND?

   Lately, I have been walking 3 or 4 miles almost every day if I don't work 13 hours. I have enjoyed it immensely. I listen to music on my phone and stop and take pictures when something catches my eye. It has been so soothing and healing to be able to do that. Sometimes, I start an hour before I need to go walk talking myself into it. I know I need to go and enjoy it so much but I want to sit down and melt into my chair. Often times, I don't want to be stopped or talked to. I'm in a mode and want to be in that place until my legs can't take it.
   I have seen such beauty on my walks. I have overcome my weird fear of cud-zoo.  I cannot stand the thoughts of that stuff overpowering yards, gardens and reaching up and grabbing my legs as I walk by. Oooh! It gives me the creeps. One day on my walk, I walked by an area covered in the stuff. The sun was setting between two huge trees that the cud-zoo had covered and was draping down them like curtains. You could see where bushes and trees were but they now had the covering of this plant. In the huge mass of the cud-zoo there was a path. The cud-zoo was still there just pressed down from the wheels and feet that had went over that place many times.
   It was such a beautiful sight. Almost breathtaking when looking at it through the window of my life. I feel like I am on that path. I am being overrun with work, kids, responsibilities that are usually shared, etc and I have to figure out how to muddle through. My path may not be clear and it may be covered with those responsibilities but it is winding its way through the curtain of my fears and everything that has been consuming me.
   This beautiful scenery grabbed me and held my mind captive. It was a moment in time I captured on my phone, but it made an impression.
   God has brought me through so much. If you talk to me or read my blog at all, you know that. I have just been so overwhelmed here lately. I am at my limit with my emotions, sleeplessness, loneliness, blame, hurt, tears. It has been all at once and way too much. My heart literally feels heavy. I go to bed most nights hoping it will be better by morning. I am so much stronger than I was, but have never felt weaker at this present moment. I feel like I am trying to run through water that is up to my chest. "It takes time." Yes, it does. Time and I just aren't on good terms right now.
   You know that when you have a bad day, you try not to show it or admit to the turmoil in your mind. You paste on a smile and keep trudging along pretending like your feet are coated with cement and it is taking all the effort you have to just lift them. You tell people what you know you are supposed to say but not the truth in your heart. No, people don't want to be drug down but we also don't want to feel alone.
   For the past couple years I have talked to a lot of people about a lot of things that I would have never thought I would have experience with. I have encouraged and rooted people on that I admired. Sometimes I cannot believe that I am the one giving the advice or encouragement. Those same people have picked up the pieces that represented their lives and/or marriages and made something beautiful from it. I have seen couples go from talking to a divorce attorney to being blissfully happy. I have seen scared lonely women, start talking marriage with "the one." I have watched some bloom where they were planted. I have seen some go for their dreams and accomplish them with gusto. On days like this, I wonder, why isn't it me doing those things? What purpose do I serve? Those who can't do, teach or advise. Does that describe me? It is troubling and scary to think that could be the truth. I would be honored if God continued to use me because of what I went through. I don't want that to be "all". Is that selfish? Am I Jonah saying I will do anything just to get my assignment and say, that's not what I thought you would say. I don't want to do that. Am I Moses getting impatient and striking out in anger instead of being patient and reaping my reward? Am I Eve desiring what I am not supposed have? Am I David shouting "Is there not a cause"? Am I Ruth loving, trusting and sacrificial? Am I broken but allowing God to make me beautiful? Who am I in this and who will I become?
   These days I have where all seems lost and without purpose will pass. It is up to me to figure out who I am now and who I will be when this part of my journey is over. I'm not going to lie. I would rather be writing a blog about life after divorce and talking about the one I met and am going to be with for the rest of my days. For now, you and I will be sharing our ups and downs and ins and outs of this path we are on. I hope there is something here you can relate to. I pray that we both see that there is more to it than what we are feeling. Feelings aren't facts. This has been the journey of a lifetime. I pray this particular part is just a portion. My mask is off. I am not pretending to feel some way I am not or be someone I am not. I do not believe I have been that way in a long time. Like me or not. Agree or not. This is my journey. This is my struggle. There is no reason to pretend.
 

LONELY BUT NOT ALONE

   Here lately I feel not just lonely, but totally alone. You know those days you call every friend in your contacts and everyone's too busy? Or you don't call because you don't want them to say they don't have time for you, even if you know it is for a very good reason. Very seldom in my life have I have admitted that I need someone to come keep me company or spend time with me. It seems when I do, no one is there. It hurts and makes me feel defective. I totally realize that my emotions being strung out over my kids, my jobs, my house, my bills, not being part of a team to help with the burdens, being away from family, etc is a big contributor to these emotions. I have the knowledge but the tears are at the ready. I HATE that. I hate being emotional. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling insignificant. That is how I feel. I am working to pay bills, not to live, have adventures or even have something of my own. It feels bad. It feels useless. I keep wondering when I will feel complete again.
   My emotions are raw. My eyes fill with tears at the most inopportune times. I want to hide but I can't. My heart feels like it's exposed and somehow I don't care right now. That part in me that lives to help people, fix problems and nurture my children is scrambling to fight off this wave of "blah-ness". I have come to term with the fact that these days and sometimes weeks will always be a part of my life. I have overcome a lot in my life, but sometimes I cannot keep this syndrome away. It's a bit of a "divorce hangover". You just don't have warning when it will come.
   Some days, I feel like I HAVE GOT THIS!! I am amazing! I am strong! I am MOMMA hear me ROAR! Then, some days, I feel like: Don't look at me that way Mr. I know what you are thinking and you don't want a piece of me. I will break you like a PENCIL! Then, some days I want to be hugged and held so bad my body aches. My skin pricks at the thought of strong arms encircling me and a steady voice assuring me that everything is gonna be ok.
   This is just how it is. I have to remind myself it doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. My friends are having babies, getting married, buying houses, getting promotions, new cars, etc and I am.... sitting here on a Saturday night is a deathly quiet house talking to...? My time is coming. I have to believe that or go crazy. Until then, I have to remind myself that I am never really alone. Sometimes it does feel like when I pray it hits the ceiling and goes no further. I remember reading about David sighing (in the Bible). It said that God heard his sighs. If God heard his sighs, why wouldn't He hear mine? Jesus knows how it feels to lose someone He loves. He experienced the ultimate rejection and died for it. I'm still breathing. It hurts to breathe sometimes, but I keep doing it. My feet refuse to move but they still work. My brain won't quit going on the track it is on, but eventually I will realize that lonely doesn't equal alone.
   I am not part of a physical team, but I am a part of a Heavenly one. I cannot feel God's arms around me but it doesn't mean He isn't there. My tears may flow freely sometimes but he catches them and feels my pain. My sorrow will be turned to joy. This evil that I have seen, God may mean it for good. One day, these worries will be nothing but words on a page and a distance memory. Until then, let's remember together that we are never really alone.

THE STRUGGLE

   I struggle within myself often. I am my greatest critic. I am the one who tells myself I can do something and I also tell myself I can't. There is a struggle between what I know and what I feel. Lately, my struggle has been about my kid's other set of parents.
   I have all the facts. I know both sides. I was there. No one knows better than me what took place for the last eleven years. The facts are that I know that history repeats itself. The way to ensure that you don't repeat it is to make sure you know the past, the mistakes made and by that you will know how to improve the future. When you do not see there is a problem, then you will repeat the problem in your ignorance.
   There is never a time someone will know my kids better than I do. There is never a time when I will ask anyone permission to keep my own children on my own days. I know that, but the knowledge isn't as well known as I thought it should be.
   My battle has been with the fact that I am away from my babies. I do not tuck them into bed every night. I cannot speak to them before they go to bed. I am not aloud that freedom. My heart hurts because of it. I am sleeping in my daughter's bed while she is away because I do not have a bed or a couch currently. I can smell her sent and almost feel her little hands wrap around my neck. I look over at Jayden's bed and can hear him giggle as he hears me telling them a story. Instead, the house is empty. The only sounds I hear are me. The only dishes I was are mine. The clothes that I have folded are mine. My week is coming, but for now, the house is quiet.
Today my children went to the dentist for the first time and I was not there. It may seem trivial to you but I have been there for everything. Every step, every word, every tear, I have been there. Do you know how hard it was for me to make myself be thankful that the step-mom took them? I have been working almost non-stop and do not have the time or the energy to do it right now. They have been needing to go for a while, I tell myself. I missed their reactions to all the different tools. I missed them looking at me for a smile and nod and telling them it's going to be okay. I missed the dentists run down on what shape their teeth are in. I'm struggling because I should not have missed anything. I'm so tired I want to cry (and as a general rule, I don't cry). My feet take about 2 hours every night to calm down enough for me to sleep. The injustice of it all, creates a struggle within.
   My spirit has not been right for the past two days. There is so much I could say but can't. Honestly, it doesn't matter how I feel. The facts remain the same. The kids are fine. I don't agree with certain things and the scheduling need to be tweaked but ultimately they see both of their parents and are happy kids. There are two more people that can take care of them when I cannot. I can see the history that is yet to be made. That is why I cannot be angry at someone for being naive. At one time, I was naive too. I had people that were angry with me for my innocence. It would have been better for us both if they would have been patient with me and would have been there for me during the fallout.
   I will do, and have always done, what is best for my kids. My spirit being in a good place and looking on the positive side of life is vital for them to see that. I will always be here. I will always be their mom, no matter who is in their life. I am irreplaceable. Decisions were made that I have had to live with the consequences of it. Decisions I made and some that were made for me. That is the facts. What I do with those facts are up to me. I could write post after post complaining in detail of the stuff I have been going through lately and have gone through in the past, but who wants to read more negativity? Everyone has something they are going through. Why not see the best side of it and worry about one thing less?
  Every day and sometimes every hour I pray that I will see the better side of what I am going through. I am praying that I will have the guts to stand up for myself and not be bullied into decisions about the kids. I pray that my knees will be strong enough to pray for the ones who hurt me and the ones who help me. I pray I will be able to show my kids, with my actions, how to rise above and conquer the world with a good attitude and a smile. I won't always succeed but I will always try.
   You may be having a similar struggle or just a struggle you could never voice. It is okay to question and feel the injustice. It is okay to acknowledge that the struggle is there. Just try to turn it into something good. Set the pattern with your actions for things in the future that will come. We cannot always be prepared for everything but our attitude and spirit being strong and right will give us the advantage that we need to overcome whatever comes our way!